NIcki - posted on 11/29/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )
I need some opinions from people that have been in blended family type relationships. I have been with my BF for 4 years. We have lived together most of the relationship except for this most recent year. Part of it is due to the stress of his kids and part are just our own problems. His kids are 12 and 14 and he was with the mom for 15 yrs or so. Before we met him and the mom were separted for 2 years. He also had another short relationship before me but the children were never around her. The woman before me that he dated got pregnant so he also has a toddler, not from his teens mom. I guess most of my issue is how he deals with the issues. He has spoke to them, but they don't come that often. Sometimes it's every other weekend, and then when things are consistent the mom interrupts things out of bitterness and stops them from coming.
This makes it hard for him to be consistent with discipline. As I mentioned he and I have some of our own issues, as most couples do that aren't perfect. So when we are in a good place and things are working out the stress of the drama with his kids puts us 20 steps back. Mostly it's his daughter who purposely does not speak to me, she has played games by talking to me and making me think she is finally accepting me. To only give me the cold shoulder for no reason the next day. Her mom coaches her ( I believe), and she basically is sent to try and break me and BF up. She has also caused me physical harm, by purposely stepping on my feet and acting like she didn't know it. When we are walking she grabs her dads arm and purposely tries to pull him the other direction away from me. Which is very embarrassing when we are out in public, as it looks very dysfunctional and odd. She calls her mom when we are all in the car and talks to her on speaker the whole ride just to annoy me. As she knows me and my BF don't want to hear her moms voice in the car with us when we're trying to have our own time with the kids. She also last year did what I called my last straw, and that was to purposely almost knock me off of the couch twice. She had a cord plugged into the wall behind the couch. She came up and partially lifted and shifted the couch while I was sitting on it. It caused my neck to jerk back and forth several times, I almost fell, and my neck was in pain for three days. I was pissed and told my BF as I am careful not to discipline them. By BF tells me to, but I have learned from past experiences that he is so hyper-sensitive about his older kids that he ends up getting mad at me for doing what he told me to do. So now I do nothing. I just tell him, so he can deal with it. After that incident the kids hadn't come back until most recently. Not due to the incident, but again...their mom plays games and goes through phases of when she wants them to come and when she doesn't. So he out of the blue told me last minute they were coming for the holiday week. I should also add that he recently got custody of his toddler and I have been extremely supportive and his toddlers care giver from day one. Basically being like his mommy with out the parental rights (which is hard).
We had a disagreement about them coming because I felt that we should have a plan for how things are going to be different. I did not want to be knocked, stepped on, or so called accidentally knocked off a couch again. I felt he was force feeding us all to be together by doing a full week right away vs. a weekend. Also, I did not want his toddler to be exposed to any disrespect towards me from his other children and think it was every ok to not listen to me or have a good relationship with me. I love his toddler dearly and we have true bond. He unlike the others is smaller so willing to receive love. Vs they seem to make it their mission to break us up and to run me off. I guess most recently I realized I should just leave him alone and let him be a dad. I don't want to go through this for the rest of my life. I also, believe in marriage and am a lot more hopeful about love and relationships than he is. Not to mention, I love children and have none of my own. But have helped others in previous relationships with their children and love having a family. I just feel like when his older kids come I literally feel like I have a knot in my stomach, I go through deep sadness, as I feel like I am signing up for a weekend of abuse and feel very displaced. Ugh! Any input?