4 year relationship-Should I leave BF due to his kids?

NIcki - posted on 11/29/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Hello,

I need some opinions from people that have been in blended family type relationships. I have been with my BF for 4 years. We have lived together most of the relationship except for this most recent year. Part of it is due to the stress of his kids and part are just our own problems. His kids are 12 and 14 and he was with the mom for 15 yrs or so. Before we met him and the mom were separted for 2 years. He also had another short relationship before me but the children were never around her. The woman before me that he dated got pregnant so he also has a toddler, not from his teens mom. I guess most of my issue is how he deals with the issues. He has spoke to them, but they don't come that often. Sometimes it's every other weekend, and then when things are consistent the mom interrupts things out of bitterness and stops them from coming.
This makes it hard for him to be consistent with discipline. As I mentioned he and I have some of our own issues, as most couples do that aren't perfect. So when we are in a good place and things are working out the stress of the drama with his kids puts us 20 steps back. Mostly it's his daughter who purposely does not speak to me, she has played games by talking to me and making me think she is finally accepting me. To only give me the cold shoulder for no reason the next day. Her mom coaches her ( I believe), and she basically is sent to try and break me and BF up. She has also caused me physical harm, by purposely stepping on my feet and acting like she didn't know it. When we are walking she grabs her dads arm and purposely tries to pull him the other direction away from me. Which is very embarrassing when we are out in public, as it looks very dysfunctional and odd. She calls her mom when we are all in the car and talks to her on speaker the whole ride just to annoy me. As she knows me and my BF don't want to hear her moms voice in the car with us when we're trying to have our own time with the kids. She also last year did what I called my last straw, and that was to purposely almost knock me off of the couch twice. She had a cord plugged into the wall behind the couch. She came up and partially lifted and shifted the couch while I was sitting on it. It caused my neck to jerk back and forth several times, I almost fell, and my neck was in pain for three days. I was pissed and told my BF as I am careful not to discipline them. By BF tells me to, but I have learned from past experiences that he is so hyper-sensitive about his older kids that he ends up getting mad at me for doing what he told me to do. So now I do nothing. I just tell him, so he can deal with it. After that incident the kids hadn't come back until most recently. Not due to the incident, but again...their mom plays games and goes through phases of when she wants them to come and when she doesn't. So he out of the blue told me last minute they were coming for the holiday week. I should also add that he recently got custody of his toddler and I have been extremely supportive and his toddlers care giver from day one. Basically being like his mommy with out the parental rights (which is hard).

We had a disagreement about them coming because I felt that we should have a plan for how things are going to be different. I did not want to be knocked, stepped on, or so called accidentally knocked off a couch again. I felt he was force feeding us all to be together by doing a full week right away vs. a weekend. Also, I did not want his toddler to be exposed to any disrespect towards me from his other children and think it was every ok to not listen to me or have a good relationship with me. I love his toddler dearly and we have true bond. He unlike the others is smaller so willing to receive love. Vs they seem to make it their mission to break us up and to run me off. I guess most recently I realized I should just leave him alone and let him be a dad. I don't want to go through this for the rest of my life. I also, believe in marriage and am a lot more hopeful about love and relationships than he is. Not to mention, I love children and have none of my own. But have helped others in previous relationships with their children and love having a family. I just feel like when his older kids come I literally feel like I have a knot in my stomach, I go through deep sadness, as I feel like I am signing up for a weekend of abuse and feel very displaced. Ugh! Any input?

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Wanda - posted on 12/01/2014

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I hear you. When me and my be got together I was so not use to the way their son was being raised. Not the way I was doing things. And man that is hard...
We all want the best life we can have especially after a divorce. We r looking for love and when we find it, it is so differnt then the past relationship and family we had established the first round.
The second time should be when we find everything we missed the first time!
Life will be better. More fun. Better sex. And we won't put up with all those things we hated in the last relationship weather we created them or he did. So why should we put up with all this when it was suppose to be better right?

Well....that's what I think u r asking. And if I'm wrong then disregard my input.

I have a 14 yr old girl and an 11 yr old boy. Honestly, and I just asked my common law of 7 yrs, that if he came into my life right now how well he would do..he says horrible! My 14yr old is dealing with enough in her own life that having someone try to make things cute would just make her miserable. And my boy of 11 would grab onto me because he's at that age. So it's not just you, it's the timing.
Is this bf worth it? Is the timing right?

I know I sound like a horrible person. But. Is this man worth it? If so can you not just let him see his kids on his own time? If you do see the kids maybe just act like you don't care..just like the kids do..sit and text. .. Leave early..and let the kids think it's not so serious. I honestly believe the 14 yr old would see this and have less concern then a girlfriend who acts like she is never leaving and sooooo into her dad. Let her have her dad to herself. Yes it's selfish for her, but why shouldn't she be? She's 14 lol. That's all she has.

And if it is all too much.all to stressful, don't feel bad about letting them have the space they need. Let him visit his kids and you do your own thing during that time. But make sure that you let him know that you don't hold resentment but rather that you love him and for you, these times with his kids are important and one day it will all figure itself out. But for now, his kids need that time. If u give it to them they will appreciate it.

Just sayin...

Ev - posted on 12/01/2014

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Nicki-

I am glad to read your response and I can see where you are coming from with it. A lot of this does come from personal experience. But I have also known some women who came into the family and had no trouble as well. The children loved them from the get go. And a lot of the idea that the fathers of these teen girls worried that their daughters will become lost in whatever way is to me an excuse to explain their bad behavior (you said you were old school and so am I in the whole respect idea). And if a man is going to father his kids this way, they will get away with it. If any parent does not put their foot down and make the kids mind, then the kids will run the show and from your explanations it sounds just that way. Not a lot of parents this day want to do the right sorts of discipline for their kids. They do not want to make the kids mind because they are afraid of getting called in for doing anything. I would say that maybe you might rethink things going on in your life at this point with this man and his kids. If it were me, I would not be staying. That much time is a lot to pour into anything and not get something out of it.

NIcki - posted on 11/30/2014

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Hi Evelyn,

Thanks. Yes the ball is in his court. I think all of our opinions and comments are based on our personal experience. My thought on men feeling this way about their daughters is due to a previous relationship when I was engaged (yrs. ago) , and feed back from others in similar situations. He (ex-fiancé) had custody of his teen daughter,.. who by the way loved me and went with him to pick out my ring. I love children and have never disrespected anyone's child. If at all most adults I know say I am too soft and I should put my foot down (my child or not).

But back to the ex-fiancé....once he actually proposed and gave me the ring. She literally did a 180 on me and would not speak to me, would not walk next to me, went out of her way to try to sabotage his and my date night on Friday's. So many things to list. Well eventually it became too much and she got what she wanted. I was so hurt as I thought her and I had a bond. She wouldn't even speak to me and this went on for months not days. Long story short he and I broke up... and a couple of years and girlfriends' of his later. She had a revelation and calls me to apologize for "everything" she put me through. Tells me I was the best girlfriend her dad ever had and she was jealous and young. She asked me if we could keep in touch and that I was a woman she would want to know throughout her life.

Of course that made me cry and I was so happy to finally get recompense. But it was of course too late for her dad and I.
He too was scared when we were together that she would commit suicide or run away and become a lost woman for the rest of her life if her dad had a relationship. So my theory is not just out of nowhere. The men I have encountered have actually told me they have felt this way. And they are freaked out and don't know how to deal with teenage girls it seems. I have never had problems to this extent with sons.

The same is true in this situation. I have done nothing but love their dad, be nice to them. Try to get to know them and not be their mom. Nothing I do or don't do is good enough. I don't meant to sound cold, but to invest in "any" relationship for years and not get a return usually ends up being a waste of time. Especially when you're just girlfriend. I have also been "wife" and gone through the same thing. So in my opinion the title doesn't change the attitude from the child. Either they want to like you or they don't. It seems as though dad's girlfriend, fiancé, or new wife is the enemy no matter what (as I've held all titles..lol). I agree they just may decide they don't like me and never will. I am ok with that. Based on who I know I am, how I treat people, and my past experiences I usually get a heartfelt apology when they mature and know better.

I am just more concerned about the blatant disrespect. I guess my family is old school as they call it and children were never allowed to disrespect adults for "any reason".

Ev - posted on 11/30/2014

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Nicki, I am a divorced mom with two kids who have had to deal with the drama of a split home and custody issues as well. But I have to say that if you go in expecting things to be a certain way, they just won't. You have to work at it with the kids too if you want to be a big part of the family. I do not agree at their ages that they are being coaxed but maybe hear their mom's comments and act on that but there may be something about you they just do not like. They can pick up things from how you treat them, your body and facial expressions, tones of your voice and other things. Or they just may not like you at all and that is possible. I have a daughter and I can tell you her father never once thought she'd end up in a brothel or worse. He did say once if she got pregnant in his house she would come live with me but that was the only comment made. So I do not think that all fathers think the worst of their daughters in any respect. My children also have had two step moms. It was the step moms who did not ever try to make my kids feel like a part of the now blended family too a great degree though with the current step mom for a short time my daughter did get a lot of attention until her little sisters appeared on the scene and she was taken advantage of her age of being the oldest to watch the younger ones without even telling her anything. She never once treated her step moms badly or did things to them. So I do not know where you get the idea that fathers think their daughters will end up in brothels or worse. Also, he is the father and he needs to make a stand to his children period and set the ground rules and make them be enforced. Its up to him to teach his kids how to treat you and for you to treat them in a similar fashion. You can not make kids like or love you and it is a two way street. If kids get a feeling about the new person in mom's or dad's life and do not like them, there is not much to do about that but there is something that can be done in how that person gets treated. You can not demand respect but you have to earn it but there needs to be a respectful attitude. If your man is not going to stand up to his kids and get them on track with this, its not going to get any better.

NIcki - posted on 11/30/2014

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@ Catrina and Evelyn...thanks for both of your responses. To answer Evelyn's question. Yes he is divorced, and there is a visitation order. She is in violation but they live 4 hrs away and he would have to drive all the way there each weekend and have an officer meet him just to document, etc. He wasn't in a position for a few reasons to do that before, and now with his toddler he can't put him through an 8 hr round trip drive just to deal with their moms drama. He is passionate about being in the kids lives and willing to go to court now that he has more things in order.

Yes it could just be them, however there is so much to tell it would be a 500 page book. So there are many, many, reasons I believe they are being coaxed. Some I have witnessed myself with a text message from the daughter to her mom, and others are just plain out carbon copy characteristics of their mom. Also his son was very receptive of me when we first met, until little sister told mom, and he came back the second time acting cold like his little sister.

It's sad because I really feel sorry for my BF. I love him dearly but he absolutely is at a loss. He does not know what to do. When we go to counseling and he gets manly advice from the counselor he still doesn't follow through. I believe men especially have a time with this, and dealing with their daughters. They imagine their daughters ending up in a brothel if they stand up to them and give them any discipline after a divorce. It's the guilt syndrome, and no one wins. Not their daughters, not the bitter moms, and not them.

At the end of the day each of them remain miserable, never getting what they truly wanted. Oh and also regarding the comment on his toddler not being a teenager yet. So true. I have helped raised an ex's children and when they grow up they are "not" the same or as cute! LOL!

Ev - posted on 11/30/2014

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I agree with Catrina to a point. You should not be treated like this but the kids also need to be respectful to you. Respect is something that you have to earn. Its not something that comes over night. I know you have been in the picture for four years with the kids and all but is their dad still legally married to mom? You did not say if they got divorced yet or have a custody/visitation agreement. Because if they do, mom is in violation of it already when with holding time from dad like she is. Just a note to you. But in all honesty, you are a girlfriend. You can not expect kids to love you instantly when you first enter the picture and it takes time to learn trust and respect for each other. If the kids do not like you, then you can not change that. And at 12 and 14 I doubt that the kids are going to be coached. If they do things like those described it could be all them like the daughter who calls her mom when the four of you are in the car and has mom on loud speaker. She is doing this to bother you and it seems to work. Your BF should have set the rules up regarding treatment of you long ago. It seems he does not have consequences for their actions at all. If you feel strongly about leaving then do so, its not going to get better if its been like this for 4 years. Also, that toddler might love you now, but that toddler is not a teenager as yet.

Catrina - posted on 11/30/2014

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I think you should do what your gut is already telling you to do. I feel like you have been more than patient. Him telling you to discipline kids that aren't yours is not an option. He is the authority over them and should discipline them. Even if you did that would probably just stir up issues with the mother. Me personally I wouldn't let that be how I lived. It's your life and you deserve to be happy and not disrespected by a child.

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