50/50 week on week off of 6 month old HELP

Kylie - posted on 07/22/2016 ( 13 moms have responded )

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If you read my other questions before this you will know whats going on. Basically Dad was not there for My daughters birth. Got a new GF when i was 3 months pregnant and didn't even tell her he was expecting a child. She found out on her own when i was 6 months. He didn't tell his folks till a month before i gave birth. Since our daughter has been born, I have never denied him when he wants to see her. We have a set schedule where he has her every other weekend and 2 days a week (since he is a cop his schedule is shifty so he watches her on the two days he has off while i work for 12 hours) so, we don't have to pay for day care. I work 40 hours a week with a flex day and my mom watches her the other 2 days a week. He has since missed multiple days of his where i have had to call in to work and cover. He tells me he is working and cant have her when i offer him more time only to find out he is lying and with his GF. He doesn't come to doc appointments and doesn't communicate with me with more than a "ok" or "sounds good*. When our daughter is with him he will not send me updates or little videos or anything! He has had her 3 overnights since she has been born. He is extremely immature and nasty towards me as well. He has not filed to get his name on the BC or carries her on his insurance...even though i have printed out the forms for him to do so. He is extremely Lazy, i even created a email address for him so he could use the APP i had for a parenting schedule cause he wouldn't do it himself.! I have basically spoon fed him! Well a month ago he failed to tell me he was going on vacation and i had to call into work again 10 hours before cause he wouldn't be home. He went gambling with his GF 4 hours away. SO at the point i said screw it and i filed for child support. He started paying me 250 a month (what we agreed too cause i didn't know any better and even that was a hassel to get out of him) I went to my court yesterday and filed for physical custody and then allowed joint legal custody. I told them i wanted to keep the schedule we have and just let him have her the recommended 83 overnights a year which is roughly 2 per week. SO i offered him more time with her but, since he knows his support is now going to go up he is going to fight this and take me to court for 50/50 custody. NOW before everyone calls me greedy and what not for denying a father 50/50 when he wants it, I don't have a problem with 50/50 when they are OLDER. She is 6 months old AND he wants a week on and a week off. I DO NOT want to be away from my baby for a full week at 6 months old! Nor do i think its a good think for him to be away from her for a full week! I also know they only reason he is doing this is because he doesn't want to pay me. If he really wanted 50/50 he would put his name on her BC and filed a long time ago! My questions is...i Live in Michigan. The county we would go to for court is unfortunately the county he is a deputy in..has anyone had a experience of week on week off with such a young child??? will a court grant him that???

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Dove - posted on 07/22/2016

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When my children were 6 months old... no way in hell would that work, but I was breastfeeding and not pumping.

Since you are not breastfeeding... there's really no way of telling what a judge will rule. Some judges would never go for that... some would have no problem w/ that. Your lawyer 'might' be able to predict what a particular judge will rule, but not necessarily.

He can ask whatever he wants in court and it will be up to the judge to determine.... and just because the court rules it doesn't mean that he will then abide by it. If he's already flaky on visitations he may just very well continue to be flaky.

Start preparing yourself for him being granted the 50/50 schedule... then whatever happens in court you will either already be resigned to it... or you will be pleasantly surprised. ♥

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Sarah - posted on 07/27/2016

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At this point I agree court or court ordered mediation will prove most helpful. You can simply ask the judge to order the DNA test and the BC will be amended. Then it does not matter how slow or lazy he is, he will get a subpoena to appear and be found in contempt if he does not show.
I personally think the week on and week off may prove stressful for the baby. Not really my area of expertise, but I do have pre-k kids at school that do this schedule and for most it works pretty well. It might be worth asking the opinion of her pediatrician. Ultimately though, since you don't live together, she will visit him often and I know you will miss her terribly.
The best advice has been given; document everything. communicate in writing and keep records of everything. Good Luck .

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/26/2016

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Time to stop the back and forth. Get it set in court, legally. I agree fully with all of Ev's points

Ev - posted on 07/25/2016

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{The reason i didn't go to court and do this was upon his request. In his words "we shouldn't have to have someone tell us when we get to see her" which i agree with. But when i have had to call into work 4 or 5 times already after cashing in all my sick time for pregnancy and doc apps for her and he doesn't make the effort to take off days to be with her on the days HE REQUESTED to be with her but, can take off days to go on 4 day vacations and concerts left and right...that's where i draw the line. }

------That is the very reason you both need to go to court and get this managed. That is what the judge does. Your so called agreement is verbal at best and there is nothing binding him to it so he changes it at will forcing you to nag him to see his child. He is taking advantage of this and you are allowing it. That is why you need to go to court to get it worked out. HE is a officer of the law and he should understand that the law is there to help with things not hinder them. The judge will take things into consideration and set the orders up to meet the needs of all involved if you ask him or her to do so. Trying to work out things on your own is not working as you have put in your posts.

{I do appreciate the advice and stuff and i do know no matter what people say they will never know the whole story. My only questions was what is the possibility of getting her week on week off.}

-----None here can tell you what chances there are for doing week to week on visitaiton/custody issues. It might not be in her best interest right now to be going back and forth week to week as little as she is. But that is for a judge to decide and I can not tell you how he or she will decide. All I can say is take it to court. Does he pay support at all?

{ Other than that i will never be sorry for trying to get him to be more involved with his daughter and yes i cholse him and my daughter is the result and i wouldnt change that for anything. she is the best thing in my life and i will fight to the very end for what it hink is right for her. }

-----Any good mother or father wants the best for their child and will do anything in their power to do it. I did. I let my kids go live with dad as primary parent because finances did not allow me to fight him for custody all the time and the kids had had enough happen in their lives and they needed stability. I made that choice. Was it what I wanted? No, but it was more for them. It was also done in court.

Kylie - posted on 07/25/2016

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I appreciate your advice and all i agree with you on most of it...You cannot add someone on a birth certificate when he isn't at the birth and he informed me he did and was not planning on doing anything until he got a paternity test. Which we did and he paid for it. So he has gotten everything he has wanted since day one.
I know being a cop is hard work...i have an uncle and 3 other friends who are cops as well and i am very flexible. I changed my whole schedule around at my job to accommodate the schedule he wanted. Luckily my work was very understanding in doing this as my flex day changes every other week to accommodate his changing schedule. Which is why i get mad when he changes and doesn't have her on those days he requested to have her from the get go.
The reason i didn't go to court and do this was upon his request. In his words "we shouldn't have to have someone tell us when we get to see her" which i agree with. But when i have had to call into work 4 or 5 times already after cashing in all my sick time for pregnancy and doc apps for her and he doesn't make the effort to take off days to be with her on the days HE REQUESTED to be with her but, can take off days to go on 4 day vacations and concerts left and right...that's where i draw the line.
I do appreciate the advice and stuff and i do know no matter what people say they will never know the whole story. My only questions was what is the possibility of getting her week on week off. Other than that i will never be sorry for trying to get him to be more involved with his daughter and yes i cholse him and my daughter is the result and i wouldnt change that for anything. she is the best thing in my life and i will fight to the very end for what it hink is right for her.
Thank you for your advice!

Ev - posted on 07/25/2016

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{I did not put him on the BC because he was not at her birth. It took him a week to visit his daughter.}
-----That is just an excuse. You already knew who the father was and you should have put him on there whether he signed off on it or not. And it does not matter if he did not come see his child until days or weeks later. He is the father from the get go.
{ I since then have printed out the forms and everything for him to get her on the BC but, he has not put in any effort to do so. We were supposed to sign it at her last doctors app. because it has to be signed by someone on the list of people that can notarize it but, shockingly the day of her 6 month app he didn't show up. I have done everything to try and get him to take her more and be involved but, he always has something else come up or is tired from work.}
-----What you need to do now is to stop trying to get him to do things. You make an offer and then write it down. Time, date, and what was supposed to happen. Keep records of this to prove you have made efforts to get him to take his child or come visit her for court purposes. This way he can not come back and say you kept her from him and try to get you in trouble with court. You also can not make him sign paperwork either but you can put him on it and if the need ever came up you could always request a paternity test for prove of him being the father.
{He works from 6 at night till 6 in the morning and his schedule changes like every month since he is a cop.}
-----Being a cop is gonna make it hard for him to have certain days to have her. You will need to be more flexible to his schedule and he is going to have to be held accountable for when he does have her such as vacation time---he needs to let you know when he plans to go so you can make other arrangements for care for your child or for his visitation times. You can not set up a certain time frame and expect him to follow it because of his job. It needs to be flexible.

{ so anything she has during the day app...pics..swimming lessons ect....he doesn't go to. which is why i dont like the idea of week on week off with him.}
-----You can also not expect him to come to everything. His job may not allow him to get off for EVERY doctor appointment or other things she does as a baby up to school age and then at school age he is not going to make everything there either. Also at the age of six months as you stated at the end of OP “I DO NOT want to be away from my baby for a full week at 6 months old! Nor do i think its a good think for him to be away from her for a full week!”; she is not going to be doing a lot of pictures, swim lessons or other things at 6 months of age. And even if she was doing things, he can not get to them all…he works. And you can not again make him go.
{ I even have a text from him saying he cant have her on both nights he works the one week because she has to sleep when he comes home and cant work all night then come home and have her and then go back to work...which i tried to explain to him is what i do every day.}
-----Yeah, but you work day time and he works at night. Did you ever think he might not have someone who can sit with her during the day while he sleeps and at night while she sleeps. Besides you said in OP you could not be away from her the week at a time. Maybe you could work out that he take her on his actual two days off instead of the set days on a visitation schedule. BE FLEXIBLE.
{im contacting an attorney today who has dealt with lots of these cases in my county. I don't want to keep her from him at all! I just don't like a week on week off right now.} Especially since his schedule changes like monthly and he works nights (6pm to 6am). Every time i even offer him more time with her he always has a reason why he cant. He sees her 2 times a week for 11 hours and every other Sunday (his choice) when he has the weekend off but, he usually only wants her for like 5 hours and that's it. So its very frustrating when you offer and offer and offer more time and it always gets shot down. :( Breaks my heart for my daughter}
-----I am glad you are contacting an attorney to see what you can do but you should have gone to court to set the custody, visitation and child support up. You guys would know your obligations to the letter and the child could have relationships with both parents. As I said, you nag him to come see or get her for the day all the time and that is not helping. You need to step back and record all days and times offered and what was said or agreed to and then add a note if he did get her and for how long or if he did not.
{He is extremely immature and nasty towards me as well.}
-----I took this from the OP because frankly, the reason he is nasty about things is because you have been pushing him to do things and it is getting irritating to him. Time to just get it to court and taken care of. You are not being very nice about it either. You left him off the BC and that can be construed as fraud for various reasons. You knew he was dad from the get go. That was immature. I do not see him as being that immature if he is an officer of the law and doing his job in public safety. He may seem immature because he is not taking his role of dad on well and sometimes it is harder for the dad to get his head wrapped around the idea of fatherhood—not to excuse his role or responsibility to the child, but sometimes it takes a guy a while to warm up so to speak. But your continued nagging him about seeing his child or taking her is why he gets nasty and I can not blame him for that.

You should have both sought out court orders for this a while back. It would have kept the stress and strain of getting him to be with his child to a minimum. And though it breaks your heart for her to be in this mess---you and dad created it. You chose him to be with and she is the result and for the next 18 years of her life you are tied to this man to raise her. She is going to be fine as long as you two act like adults and treat each other with respect and work together to raise her. There are more kids out there that are in this situation than you would know and even a lot whose parents are divorced. They are resilient and besides that right now she would not know what is going on anyway as she is 6 months old.

Dove - posted on 07/25/2016

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Document every time you offer and he refuses. He might ask for 50/50 in court, but if you have evidence that you are offering him time that he's not taking... the judge will probably take that into consideration.

Kylie - posted on 07/25/2016

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Thank you, im contacting an attorney today who has dealt with lots of these cases in my county. I don't want to keep her from him at all! I just don't like a week on week off right now. Especially since his schedule changes like monthly and he works nights (6pm to 6am). Every time i even offer him more time with her he always has a reason why he cant. He sees her 2 times a week for 11 hours and every other Sunday (his choice) when he has the weekend off but, he usually only wants her for like 5 hours and that's it. So its very frustrating when you offer and offer and offer more time and it always gets shot down. :( Breaks my heart for my daughter

Kylie - posted on 07/25/2016

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I did not put him on the BC because he was not at her birth. It took him a week to visit his daughter. I since then have printed out the forms and everything for him to get her on the BC but, he has not put in any effort to do so. We were supposed to sign it at her last doctors app. because it has to be signed by someone on the list of people that can notarize it but, shockingly the day of her 6 month app he didn't show up. I have done everything to try and get him to take her more and be involved but, he always has something else come up or is tired from work.
He works from 6 at night till 6 in the morning and his schedule changes like every month since he is a cop. so anything she has during the day app...pics..swimming lessons ect....he doesn't go to. which is why i dont like the idea of week on week off with him. I even have a text from him saying he cant have her on both nights he works the one week because she has to sleep when he comes home and cant work all night then come home and have her and then go back to work...which i tried to explain to him is what i do every day.

Ev - posted on 07/22/2016

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I have to agree with the others. A judge is going to do what he or she will think is best for the child. Why did you not put him on the BC anyhow?

Michelle - posted on 07/22/2016

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I started off with week on/week off when my 2nd son was 12 months. We did that until he was about 10 and we now do 3 weeks on 3 weeks off and every 2nd weekend.
You have to do what's right but you also have to put your own feeling aside a bit. This isn't about what you want, it's about what is best for your child.
It's something that you and your ex need to sort out and come to an agreement.

Kylie - posted on 07/22/2016

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You have been doing a week on week off??? I don't want to be away from her for a full week. I am not breastfeeding as i couldn't produce enough milk. I also don't think his schedule will allow for 50/50 since he works nights. I would rather her be with me at night then His mother if he cannot have her. I just think 6 months is too young.

Michelle - posted on 07/22/2016

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What about it?
I have been doing 50/50 since my 2nd was 12 months old, not 6 months.
It does depend if the child is still breastfeeding or not.

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