6 year old told her father that her stepfather touched her...help!

Ibelia - posted on 01/08/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I am the mother of a 6 year old little girl. Ive been married to my husband for almost a year, and have been with him for 2 1/2 years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and i have never even seen/caught him so much as looking at a playboy. Ive spoken to his ex,her sisters, all of his friends, family, god-family.. everyone. They all tell me that he has never been accused of molestation or rape ever in his life. In fact, he was the type to walk a female anywhere they needed to go just to protect them from predators.. But, back to the topic. My daughter told my ex that her stepdad touched her while i was at work. She never told me. Every day, i would talk to her, spend time with her, I was the only one to ever give her a bath, wash her hair, take her to the bathroom and everything. Also, i would look at her "privates" just to make sure everything was normal and everything, and they always appeared fine, and she tells me EVERYTHING.. well, at least i thought she did.. I asked my roommates if they had any idea about it, because there`s always someone home, and they said the doors to the bedrooms were always open and she was always running back and forth through the house. Now, i hear this about my husband, and im just at a loss... Part of me thinks her uncle put her up to saying this because they dont like to think of me not being with their brother, and theyre pretty maliputive. This is the same uncle who left an adult film in my daughter`s room, and later that day she caught him watching it. She came to me and told me about it and described what she saw in detail.. i was not happy to say the least, but my ex told me to let it go and not call the cops. Also, since this has allegedly happened, my daughter was taken to the er. The dr said he didnt see any signs of molestation, but they did a sexual assault kit anyway. They wont tell me anything about it or when it will be back because im not her legal guardian. My husband is now in jail because of the accusations...As a mother and a wife, im ripped in half and just need some support, advice, answers, just anything..... Also, my daughter never told me she was touched, just her father.... im just confused and intensely depressed

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Sarah - posted on 01/09/2015

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I do think if you want to have a successful relationship with your daughter, you will need to get this man out of both of your lives. If there was enough evidence to arrest him and then hold him without bond, then there must be some validity to her accusation. I have had students disclose to me that they have been assaulted. As a mandated reporter I must call CPS. Most times the child is placed in protective custody or the accused is barred from contact. In very few instance have I seen the accused arrested and then held without bail. What tests are they waiting for, the presence of semen and STD screenings are quick to return. If you are waiting on a DNA result, then somebody molested her.

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Kelli - posted on 01/09/2015

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As both a mother, as well as a former victim of family molestation myself, there is only one thing I can say with absolute certainty: whether she was abused or not, whether , no matter what, YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER - PUT HER ABOVE ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE The best suggestion I can make is always keep your ears, eyes, heart & mind open, utilize and trust professionals trained to deal with you situations like your, yet be open to any conclusions they may or may not reach, Research, locate & utilize people best suited to help you.
First of all, understand that the average 6 year old does not have the understanding, comprehension or even the simple factual knowledge to fabricate a story about being sexual abused on their own, not without the involvement of an adult, even a well-intentioned one, thrown somewhere in the mix. MOST children who report sexual abuse, especially when perpetrated by a family member, very often do so only after some type prompting or questioning by an adult, Understand, the adult may be genuinely concerned (a parent or family member, a babysitter/childcare worker, a medical professional, a member of law enforcement, a teacher/educator, etc.) someone who perhaps had picked up on some irregularity, for example an abrupt/radical change in the child's behavior, (one of the most common red flags, frequently indicative of childhood abuse or trauma.) Also, understand that many of these changes can be vastly diverse, with irregularities ranging from demonstrating a sudden and severe social detachment, to becoming emotionally vacant or suffering deep mental withdrawn, to the sudden and unreasonable clinginess, to emotional hyper-sensitivity, to extremely intense flashes of excessive anger, abruptly lashing out (verbally and/or physically) throwing tantrums or even becoming increasingly violent.)
In contrast, there is another possible scenario, one in which an adult will use a child as little more than a pawn in their own selfish personal agenda; often someone blinded by their own priorities and desires, perhaps motivated by bitterness, jealousy, anger, revenge or some other ulterior motive.
Regardless of the outcome, whether it's true or not, your daughter will need you to help her work through this, either way. And understand, you MUST be prepared and ready to accept ANY possible outcome, good or bad, being willing to do anything, give up anything (or ANYONE), in order to to ensure your daughter's safety, happiness and future well-being. I'm not claiming to be an expert in child psychology or psychiatry, nor am I saying that my suggestions are the only way to go. Despite any possible similarities between people and the events in their lives - everyone's journey is different, and is theirs and theirs alone to travel. I wish you the best on your journey, the road ahead will be rough. I'm ever hopeful that anything I've shared here can be helpful to you, or anyone else, in some small way. That allows me to take pride in how I can get something positive from the most negative thing I've endured. Stay strong, patient, objective and open-minded, I wish you the best.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/09/2015

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well, if the physician's and therapists statements were what got the arrest warrant issued, then they found something to be concerned enough about to warrant removing your husband from being able to further injure your daughter.

You do need to be there for her. I'm sorry that you are going through this, but you need to look seriously at removing him from your life permanently once this is settled. That will help bring her peace and help her move forward.

Best of luck for your daughter in getting through this.

Ibelia - posted on 01/09/2015

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Thats what none of us understand. At the pleliminary hearing, it was stated that none of the tests or any evidence was back from the labs yet, but they have him in there anyway until a date is set for superior court. They issued warrants based off statements from the therapists seasons and the info that was provided to the doctor by my ex.

Like i said in my original post, I just want peace for my daughter and some advice and answers. I have no idea how to deal with this situation at all other than to just be there for my daughter.

Dove - posted on 01/09/2015

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I have to agree w/ the others on everything. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now, but you need to let the therapist and her father handle it at this point... unless you are legally able to be added to the file to be made aware of her medical stuff.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/09/2015

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Jodi and Evelyn have nailed it.

The reason that you shouldn't talk to her, and a therapist should is because: 1) you aren't trained to handle this type of therapy. 2) you could be (unintentionally) biasing her conversations with her therapist with your conversations.

Physical custody and legal guardianship are two different things. If you are not authorized to be on her medical files for information, this indicates that there was a deeper issue during the split that resulted in full legal guardianship being awarded your ex. None of that matters here, except that you'll need to have your ex add you to the 'authorized' list.

"How is she supposed to suppress it, get past it, and move on"...Well, the therapist is there to help with that. Suppressing it will not help her get past it and move on. Yes, her father did the correct thing by taking her for an examination and initiating therapy.

Furthermore, I'm sorry to say, arrests aren't made based on simple allegations. There has to be proof of something in order for someone to be incarcerated. If it were still 'allegations', then your current husband would not be in custody. He'd have been questioned, and considered a suspect, but without probable cause, an arrest cannot be made.

Ibelia - posted on 01/09/2015

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In my opinion, if can't talk to her about it some strange person that calls themselves a "therapist" should't be talking to my daughter abut it either. How's she supposed to suppress it, get past it and move on, if it's always brought up somehow

Ev - posted on 01/09/2015

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I had to agree with Jodi on everything in her post and also still need to comment that you should not be talking to her about it at all just for the fact that there is evidence that you are tampering with. And if you really wanted to get your custody issues tended by a lawyer, there should have been some legal aid that helps people who can not afford a lawyer.

Ibelia - posted on 01/08/2015

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Her step father is in jail. Her father asked me not to bring it up to my daughter, but he's the one who took her to the er, filed a report and everything. I don't have custody over my daughter because ath the time of our divorce, I had no job, my ex filed for it and I had no lawyer or the money for a lawyer to fight for some custody. I would check her "privates" because I dotn trust anyone outside of my close family. Especially my ex bro in laws who live in my exes home because they have been taken to court over a very similar situation. I have already warned her about strangers of all types, and she knows I just want to make sure she's ok. I'm living with my family to help with bills so that answers the living arrangement question. I'm not dismissing anything, and not tampering. When I say I check her , I literally just look, I dont do anything physical. Just a quick look to make sure she doesn't need medical attention. Trust me , if I could, Id fight for joint custody. At the end of the day, my daughter is number 1! All I want is for her to be safe and healthy

Jodi - posted on 01/08/2015

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I'm confused. You said her father asked you not to bring it up at all, but he's in jail?

And you don't have any legal guardianship? Why have you had that removed? In most instances, both parents would have legal guardianship over issues such as medical, etc.

One other thing that concerned me about your post was this "Also, i would look at her "privates" just to make sure everything was normal and everything, and they always appeared fine,".

Why do you feel the need to check her privates every day if you believe she is living in a safe environment? And if you are concerned it is NOT a safe environment, and that you need to be checking her all the time, why are you living there? And what do you tell her you are doing when you check her? DO you tell her why?

I agree with her dad, that it absolutely should be brought up in counselling, but because you are not a trained child counsellor or trained in this issue, by talking to her about it, you could actually be approaching it in the wrong way and tampering with "evidence" so to speak. I also agree not to dismiss that something did happen. It could be very real. She wouldn't necessarily tell you because she would know it would possibly upset you. You will need to wait for the outcomes of the tests and the counselling.

Ibelia - posted on 01/08/2015

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She`s going to counseling, and says she doesnt hate him at all.. she seems to remain calm when i do ask her about it. Her father would rather i not bring it up at all to her, or to even tell her he`s in jail now... It`s like when i try to talk to her and support her, he just wants it all blocked away, but doesnt mind it being brought up when shes in counseling. we are always somewhere private when i go to visit her. Thank you, by the way for the responses.

Keisha - posted on 01/08/2015

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Always let her know she can trust you and don't ever have to be afraid to tell you anything.. You are here for her.

Keisha - posted on 01/08/2015

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Wow! Please don't dismiss her accusations right away.. We don't know. Maybe she is telling the truth and maybe not. The one thing for sure is to really talk to her and calm as possible and ask her when did it happen? Ask her to show you where he touched her..etc. Many times family don't know that dark side of their loved one. It takes a brave and vocal child to come out and say something.. Maybe she didn't tell you because of fear... or maybe intimidated of your closeness to your new husband. She felt more comfortable to tell her father. Don't be depressed. You have to be strong especially for her.

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