6 yr old and his 27 yr old mom sleeps with her parents. Am i crazy for thinking this is wrong?

Rochelle - posted on 12/06/2010 ( 45 moms have responded )

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My 6 1/2 yr old stepson and his mom have always lived with her parents. He has always slept with his grandparents and still does every night and he said that sometimes his 27 yr old mom will sleep with them too. They have been giving us a hard time lately because we just moved into a very large home and they think he sleeps too far away from us and want him to sleep on an air mattress on the tile floor of the great room. but he has no problems with our new home and sleeps fine in his own room, always has. Am i crazy for thinking that what is going on in their home is really the problem???

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Jaime - posted on 12/06/2010

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Different family dynamics can be difficult for some people to accept because typically in North American society (and other countries too) we insist on certain aspects of independence by a certain age. So although it might seem a bit strange that the stepson sleeps with his grandparents and his mom in one bed, it might just be what they are all used to. I remember a classmate in high school that went to Finland to visit her family and she went through a bit of culture shock when they invited her to have a sauna with the family----completely naked! The entire family sat in the sauna naked...brother, sister, mom, dad, etc. Nothing wrong with it, but just not what we are typically used to.

I think that in this case you need to establish with the other household that there are different dynamics between you and them. If they choose to huddle together, so be it. But if the boy is perfectly able to sleep on his own in your home, and that's how you do it, then so be it. If, however, the boy wants to cosleep, you might consider making a compromise and letting him have a mattress on the floor in your room or somewhere closer to you, until he is comfortable being on his own.

Laura - posted on 12/06/2010

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They should have no business worrying about the sleeping arrangements in your home. And visa versa. Unless it's something that's going to be harmful to him you both have every right to you what you think is right in your own home. If he is happy with both situations and no harm is being done I think everyone needs to mind their own business. (sorry if it sounds a little harsh but that's my opinion)

JuLeah - posted on 12/07/2010

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In many places and cultures family sleeping is the norm. I see nothing wrong with it myself

Laura - posted on 12/07/2010

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The question you need to ask yourself isn't about co-sleeping or own bed: You need to assess whether or not you feel something like molestation is going on. That is the point that Melanie makes. If you suspect your stepson is being molested, then you need to report it to the authorities/social services as soon as possible.

If, however, you do not feel this is the problem and that he is safe, then you can approach the issue as a difference between sleeping options. Co-sleeping, even with extended families, is often cultural in nature. It is a legitimate sleeping arrangement. If your stepson has no problems sleeping at your home by himself, then communicate that fact to his mom and grandparents. Remind them that it is your house with your "rules" on how everyone sleeps. Let your stepson know that these are just different sleeping options and that at your house everyone has their own room and bed. It really isn't a big deal then. He will learn and adjust to the differences. Hope this helps!

Jaime - posted on 12/07/2010

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Melanie, why would you assume that because of their atypical sleeping arrangment that somehow the child is being abused?

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TracEy - posted on 12/14/2010

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I think it to be a little weird but no one what's going on it their home and the step mom didn't say she thought anything bad was happening. Sometime my 16 yr old or even 13 yr old will come sleep with me just because and I think that is just fine. Don't mean something is bad about that. Do in your house what u want and let others do what they want.

Becky - posted on 12/13/2010

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I don't have any problem with co-sleeping. We co-sleep quite a bit, although my kids do have and sleep in their own beds as well. And I completely trust my kid's grandparents and would have no problem with them sharing a bed during a sleepover. I do find the adult daughter sharing a bed with her parents odd - I'd share a bed with my mom if I had to (although I'd rather not, she makes wierd noises in her sleep!), but not with both of them. But, whatever, it's their business. However, that's up to them, and how you choose to sleep in your home is up to you. They shouldn't be trying to dictate that, especially if it is working just fine for your step-son.

Tiffany - posted on 12/13/2010

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There is no problem in co-sleeping and most countries around the world participate in some sort of co sleeping arrangements. They love eah other and thats a good thing!

Angie - posted on 12/13/2010

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I think it's none of our business. I wouldn't chose to do it but for some that may be totally acceptable. Not every one automatically think that everything has to be about sex. Why does age matter? If incest can happen at 27 then it can sure as heck happen at 8 when a child cannot defend himself. For some, a child sleeping with their parents after the age of 2 or 3 is totally sick. It's time to put the judgements aside, take our minds out of the gutter and get out of other people's business.

Sharon - posted on 12/13/2010

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And I agree. My 8 yr old frequently sleeps with us. I have no issues with co-sleeping for children. My older children transitioned just fine to sleeping on their own and so did my youngest.

But something happened and now she's scared alot and prefers to be with mom or dad at all times. Until she resolves this fear or can communicate it to us - she'll continue to do as she does that makes her feel comfortable until she is ok with sleeping on her own again.

Stifler's - posted on 12/13/2010

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That's true but they can do what they want. I would still refuse to go along with it on my own time, the kid would sleep in his own bed in his own room at my house.

Sharon - posted on 12/13/2010

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lmao yeah - look at the picture. They look "ethnic'.



FACE it - your incest filled love in has been called OUT. The chances of this being 'cultural' are slim to none.



Oh and for all of you screeching "but its cultural!!!"



FGM is cultural too. Bet you don't wanna step on those toes do ya?



Circumcision is cultural as well as religious. Lets go there! There are times when "culture" is pure bullshit and you have to call people on it.



Sleeping with your 27 yr old daughter is gross in this day & age and modern housing situation.

Amber - posted on 12/13/2010

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@Sharon- Even if they currently live in a country that is culturally westernized, that does not mean they are from that country. Have you ever heard of moving? It happens.

Sharon - posted on 12/13/2010

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Sherri - if we're talking about an impoverished 3rd country with internet capabilities, I'll be friggen surprised.

unless she's an inuit indian or a deep jungle thai native - I sincerely doubt this is the social norm for them.

Nikki - posted on 12/13/2010

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@Sami, how is bed sharing irresponsible?
I don't have a problem with this, what I do have a problem with is that so many people come to the conclusion that there is more to it than a loving family sleeping together. The OP did not question sexual abuse.

Sherri - posted on 12/13/2010

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Oh please Sharon each to there own you are reading much more into the situation then needs to be. In other countries children sleep with their parents most of their entire life including grandparents. Would I do it no but do I mind that others do no, each to there own.

Diana - posted on 12/13/2010

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Lime on cat; sharing a bed is not sick. Family beds are for sleeping, feeling secure, keeping warm. That's it.

Sharon - posted on 12/13/2010

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AP @ 27 is ludicrous.

There are issues in that home. Seriously sick issues.

Diana - posted on 12/13/2010

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Co sleeping is NOT wrong! Getting into other people's business, implying wrongdoing and possibly changing custody IS wrong.

TracEy - posted on 12/13/2010

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I have three children 16,13 and 5 my older two always slept in their own beds without any problem and I thought that's the way it should be. My 5 yr old on the other hand has been coming into my bed every night since he has been out of the crib, he didn't like the big bed and feeling alone(not cuddled) I am okay with it, I put him in his bed every night and will. I think it just depends on the child.

Angela - posted on 12/09/2010

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you are not crazy for thinking that. Really, why at 27 are u still sleeping with mommy and daddy, come on now grow up. The 6 yr old, ok understandable, but not 27. there really is a problem there, and if he sleeps in his own room at ur house, you should continue to encourage him to do that, other wise he may end up being 27 wanting to sleep in your bed.

[deleted account]

If their home is cold and they cant afford heat then this is a way to keep warm..but to have children continue to sleep with adults is a no no..Independence is a key to success Asking questions instead of jumping to conclusions may ease tha mind..LOL

Stifler's - posted on 12/09/2010

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It's their culture. But they have to respect that you don't want the kid sleeping in your room/bed.

Mary - posted on 12/09/2010

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Yeah I agree as long as the child is happy then that's what's important, the next time my child requests to eat a whole big bag of candy just before dinner time, I'm gonna say "Whatever makes you happy dear", "cos i',m not a responsible parent and your the one whose in charge my dear" it's called lazy parenting.

User - posted on 12/08/2010

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Communal sleeping is not unheard of or wrong in and of itself. It may be odd, but there are a lot of odd people and odd situations in this world. The excess individualism and sleeping children alone breeds loneliness which can be as damaging as anything else. Saying that either one has to be right or wrong is really the problem. Whatever makes the child happy should be fine.

Lisa - posted on 12/08/2010

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Nope! At home, I sleep with my kids until they fall asleep. Up north we have bunk beds in a small room, i don't fit...they go to sleep on their own...it's what they get used to...different strokes for different folks...but whole grandparents too?!?!? a little weird. Good luck,

[deleted account]

Yes there is a dad. Rochelle's husband is the kid's dad. Why are some people missing that fact? This is her STEPson we are talking about after all. ;)

Mary - posted on 12/07/2010

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The strange thing is not the child sleeping with the mom, its the mom sleeping with her parents, whats she still feeling insecure about, and thats why the boy is role modelling her behavior, by the way is their no father here, come on i mean get a back bone dad, and talk to your wife, also Dad doesn't mind been turned down for the grandparents, or are they divorced, if not they should be soon, cos dads gonna be looking for action somewhere else.

Sarah - posted on 12/07/2010

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Well, I'm 26 & when I picture myself sleeping with MY parents, I do find it a bit odd. My goodness, they must have a huge bed to fit 3 adults & a 6 year old. Do the pets join them, too? Ha ha :) Anyway, I don't have a problem with the idea of co-sleeping. My 14 month old co-sleeps with my husband & me. I don't like it necessarily, but I can't seem to get the little guy out of my bed lol. I just don't see how that could possibly be comfortable with all 4 of them piled in there together. BUT, whatever floats their boat. :)

Jane - posted on 12/07/2010

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What they do in their home is their thing and what you do in your home is your thing. If he's fine in your home in his own room, then great. Just tell his mom my house, my rules...your house, your rules.

Rochelle - posted on 12/07/2010

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i do understand that co-sleeping, especially in some cultures, is normal. we are in the USA where its not as normal and i dont have a problem with it to an extent. but where do you draw the line??? and why, if he's going to sleep with anyone else, isnt it his mom in a bed other than the grandparents? i feel i need to add that although we (his father and i) dont suspect any physical abuse we definatley do worry about his security and self confidence. he also still uses a blankie and sucks his thumb in their environment which is something he hasnt done in atleast 3 years in ours. we dont usually talk with the mother or grandparents about many things because whenever we do they immidiately get defensive and try to make a fight out of everything, always have, and nothing gets resolved. yet they always want to judge and control us and our life, as in this situation. the bottom line i guess is that he is a very confident kid when he is with us but as far as we can tell he is not with them and we are worried that this situation could be a big reason why. we are worried that they are coddling him too much and that that environment may not be the best for him.
i very much appreciate everyones responses and opinions, they are all welcome!

[deleted account]

I do find it odd, but unless, like a few others have mentioned, you feel there may be MORE going on than just co-sleeping.... family beds are the norm for some people.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/07/2010

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EEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!! Freud needs to answer this one...that's all I got.

Christy - posted on 12/07/2010

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Maybe it's a cultural thing? Some cultures sleep together and that's the way it is, esp if they are in a small house or apartment. If the Grandparents grew up with it being ok, I am sure the mom does and it trickles down to the 6 1/2 yr old. I think he should be in his own bed at this point, too (unless like someone else said a bad dream or storm, etc).

Fiona - posted on 12/07/2010

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I don't think there is anything wrong with co-sleeping per se, they could just be very close. However it may be time to ask the child if he is happy co-sleeping? If he is not that steps should be taken to ensure that this no longer happens.
I agree with Melanie in that if there was any inkling that anything untoward was going on then I would mention it to the "safeguarding" officer or phone the social services and do a "what if" this is something you can do in the UK without giving many details.

Rochelle, do you feel he is safe?

I have to say that although I wouldn't sleep all night with my parents I would think nothing of going and getting into bed in the morning when we have been on holiday etc, I am 31.
I also would not choose to have my 4 year old in bed with me or my hubby but have no probs with her coming into our room in the morning and having a morning snuggle.

I'm sorry its a bit rambling, its a bit of a complicated question and depends very much as to what is going on in the background IMO
Fi

Melanie - posted on 12/07/2010

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i think there is a huge problem with him sleeping with his mom and granparents and i would either be asking him some questions or taking him to someone to ask some questions and making sure i had full custody or speak to the natural father if he is in the picture that is wrong on so many levels you never know what can happen to children and who is doing them harm it may even be someone they know.trust me!

Katherine - posted on 12/06/2010

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Some people are just into AP/Co-sleeping and IMO there's nothing wrong with that.

Kellie - posted on 12/06/2010

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I think it is a bit odd. I never slept in my parents room let alone bed, and my kids have never slept in our bed. If one of them woke up we just put them right back in there own bed. Since you are not living with the grandparents and your stepson is doing fine in his own room then don't change it. Do you want to end up someday waking up to your 16 year old stepson?

Tracy - posted on 12/06/2010

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It's strange, to most of us, sure. And maybe a bit creepy, it's not illegal though. But it's their house, and they need to be reminded that when he's at your house it's YOUR rules. Period. End of story.

My 41 yr old ex still makes our 9 yr old and 4 yr old sleep with him when they're at his house. He says it's because he doesn't want to make 3 beds in the mornings, I say it's because he takes co-dependant control freak to a new level. My kids LOVE coming home and having their own space to chill out in and their own beds to sleep in. His house, his rules; my house, my rules.

Bonnie - posted on 12/06/2010

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I just find it a little odd that his 27 year old mother sleeps with them too. I mean it would make more sense for either the grandson to stay with the grandparents or the for him to just stay with his mother, but a little odd altogether. People do what they feel comfortable with, so whatever floats their boat.

Sherri - posted on 12/06/2010

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I don't think it is a problem either way. My kids personally have always slept in their own beds. However, families that choose to cosleep I have no problems with either. Each to there own.

Hayley - posted on 12/06/2010

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Personally, I'm a fan of sleeping in your own bed... except on a RARE occassion if they have a bad nightmare, bad storm going on outside or are sick and just want comforted. My 2 year old has slept perfectly fine in her own room for just about her whole life. If he's sleeping fine in your house on his own I'd try to talk to the mom and grandparents to see what's going on. Why is he only doing it there when he sleeps perfectly fine on his own.

Nichole - posted on 12/06/2010

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I don't think it's odd for him to cosleep with grandparents if he's always lived with them while with mom. I also don't think cosleeping with mom is problem. But the mom cosleeping with her parents & her son....just strikes me as odd. I'm 22 and haven't slept with my parents since I was like 7. Idk, just seems wierd. Why do they all share a bed?

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