8 years old, running the roads. what do I do?

Kaylie - posted on 10/24/2012 ( 17 moms have responded )

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First off, hello! I'm not a mother, but I am a care giver for my kid sister and right now she is mostly in my care. She is eight years old, and has a few behavioural issues and is struggling in some school subjects. She has no disabilities or anything, her parents just let her run her life. At the beginning of this part summer, her parents moved into a low income neighbourhood. Lia (my sister) quickly made friends, which is great, however her parents now have a difficult time getting her to stay in. When I Am there and ask for her to come in, or not go out, there is no problem. How can I get this response from her parents? If they even suggest she stay in, she gets a horrid tone in her voice and fights until they give in. Now that she is here with me most of the time, she is seeing her friends less. She doesn't seem to mind until she gets bored, but I'm wondering how to work with her parents on curfew and checking in for when she does return home. There are many other children her age playing outside late, so trying to explain to her that her parents are right is difficult. She doesn't understand why she should come in when her friends don't have to. I personally don't think this deserves much of am answer beyond "do I look like so and so's mom?" Her parents however don't want to start a fight with her, so they allow it to happen. I just would like to know how to help her parents to keep her in without calling me, or fighting until she wins.

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Kaylie - posted on 11/11/2012

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II wish it was my sisters daughter, but its my fathers daughter with a woman who isn't my mother. Lia (my sister) was born when I was 13.. If it were my sisters child I would smack my sister and set her straight. But I can't smack my father. However... I do have great news. A behavioural councillor will be working with her in the home once she.returns there. They say its similar to nanny 911!

Tracie - posted on 11/04/2012

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Kids are so much smarter than they ever get credit for. She knows exactly what she can get away with and where. You cannot make your sister and her husband better parents. Aside from maybe suggesting some good parenting books or classes, you have to do let them do things their way. I think you're doing a great job of leading by example and I guarantee you that your niece has far more respect for you than she does her parents.



Praise your niece's good behavior in front of them. Let them ask you how you do it.



Good luck!!

Kaylie - posted on 10/26/2012

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I really need some.kind of enforcement. I wonder if they would do it without putting it on tv though. My family would not agree to becoming a reality show.

Holly - posted on 10/26/2012

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If you are interested in being on the show, please email SUPERNANNY@SHEDMEDIAUS.COM or call: 877/NANNY-TIME. it says for america but you can see if they'd make a trip, i dunno

Kaylie - posted on 10/26/2012

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So very true with cas! This whole thing started because of a conflict between Lia and her mother that got out of control. You would think they would ask why it got to that point...



I did spend a lot of time there as a child without any structure and only received structure at my mothers, so perhaps her getting some here will help just as much as it did with me. It just makes you want to lay a smackdown on ma and pa eh!!!!!

Ariana - posted on 10/26/2012

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That is really to bad :(. Not sure how much CAS can help. The only problem I have with them is that sometimes it really depends on the person you get whether they are helpful or harmful in helping people. There tend to be a lot of underreactions or overreactions which can be worrisome.



I kind of know how you feel. I am friends of a family with a 14 year old girl and she is slowly becoming more and more out of control (skipping school/smoking weed/drinking/ other school problems/disobedient the list goes on). I tried to tell the mom to bring her to this parent/teen program but they never went. Doesn't discipline, father doesn't do ANY discipline. I wish there was something I could tell you that would make it better it's just a hard situation.



Maybe you can try to have her at your house once or twice a week even if she's living with them? Just say you want to spend more time with your sister. A good influence can go a long way. It's not perfect but there isn't a lot I can think that you can do.

Kaylie - posted on 10/26/2012

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Omg I would just love that! Does Jo frost come to Canada!!? :p



She ia just such a different kid between the two houses... Mine and home.. Its so obvious what the issue is.

Holly - posted on 10/26/2012

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i LOVE nanny 911! perhaps you can even get them to come in to fix things.... who knows.

Kaylie - posted on 10/26/2012

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My step sister and I had the sit down already with my dad and her mom... Lia's parents. They joked about it and said things like "she is out of control, she hits us, or she will grow out of it." we've explained that we had structure from other places which is what helped us. We told them that she is not out of control and only hits because it is allowed.. And they quickly got offended. We then told Lia in front of them that she will now be.coming in at certain times and to check in. We had everyone agree, and when we left she threw a fit and went out past curfew. This was a few months ago, but I've been trying little steps since, and its still not changing. Now that Lia is with me, its easy to do a schedule, but eventually she Will be going home.. And it will start again. I am at the point where I want to involve cas.. They're already involved, they just don't know the half of it.. Its just difficult to commit to "rat" on your own father... I know that she is what matters more than his feelings.. I'm just hoping there is another way. Like have them watch nanny 911 marathons for a weekend :p

Holly - posted on 10/25/2012

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i agree with lady jones... if the child is this bad now, imagine when hormones kick in and when she is a teen!

Lady - posted on 10/25/2012

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They need to stop being her friend and be a parent!!! Its not what the kid wants its what's best for the kid and enforce it!!! She has to many options. A child will only do what you let them do. Her parents are setting themselves up for a long road ahead of them if they don't correct this matter!!! Its better to say no and be strict now than to be sorry later!!

Holly - posted on 10/25/2012

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you sound like a GREAT big sister. and perhaps you could have a sit down talk to your sister on how she needs to listen to her parents. I have a nephew who listens to me, but not to his mother (my sister) because she NEVER follows through with what she says. he is a SMART little boy (8 yo also) but unless they quit being a lazy parent and actually stand firm in your punishments, the kids will always walk all over you. their 2 yo son is worse off than his brother. things that i think would work for my nephew, that might work for your sister: take away toys when they don't listen, throw away toys that get left out. give an allowance that you ONLY get when you behave and do your chores... and then you make them buy their OWN toys... and QUIT buying toys for them. when they DON'T listen they don't get allowance, and their FAVE toy gets taken away. if they go out and DELIBERATELY disobey you/themand STILL go out after you tell them no, then they need to be grounded, and ifthey STILL go out after being grounded then they need a spanking.

Kaylie - posted on 10/25/2012

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She enjoys doing her check list here, and follows rules very well. She likes being told she is doing well, her parents just need to get over the initial temper tantrums..

Kaylie - posted on 10/25/2012

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That's my concern. She does what she wants when she wants, and its only going to get worse. Her dad is my dad, so it's somewhat difficult for me to ask my parent to go to parenting class, but looks like the options are getting pretty slim. Thank for your advice ladies. :)

Ariana - posted on 10/24/2012

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Unfortunately there is no easy answer to this. It's really up to the parents to get her to stay in when she's supposed to. If they aren't willing to make it an issue you can't really do anything about it.



I mean you could always give her some sort of consequence when she's with you but she'll probably just keep doing it with her parents anyway. It's to bad because kids need boundaries.



The best you can do is talk to the parents and say there needs to be some sort of rule where she comes in. Maybe if there was a specific rule instead of them just asking her to stay in? Is there a parenting class you can direct the parents towards? If she's running the show at 8 I'd hate to see the situation when she's 14...

Kaylie - posted on 10/24/2012

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OOh I'm not upset. I know she is being exactly that. Good say to put it Haha. Unfortunately, her parents aren't going to grow back bones anytime soon. So I'm wondering if maybe there is a way around it? I have tried making simple check lists that include things like checking in and a curfew but they can not follow them with her. They say its too big of a fight. She is very manipulative with them, and she knows exactly who to ask and when. Which tells me the respect is totally gone, so I'm hoping I can either try to follow a list with her over the phone and visits once she goes home, or that there is a magical phrase I can use on her parents to get them to realise my methods work because they're structured. Not because I'm her sister.

Lacye - posted on 10/24/2012

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That is their problem. They are giving in! You don't give in to an 8 year old terrorist (and before you get mad, that's what she is acting like!). If they stopped giving in, and told her that she is their child and not the other kids parents, things will start getting a lot better. Of course it's going to be rough for a while but until she gets it through her head that she is the child and they are the adults, it's going to have to happen.

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