9 year old going on 21? I need some advice!!

Adi - posted on 10/03/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My oldest of three whom is going to be turning 10 in january is... I really dont even know how to put it really besides that she is out of control. I will admit I have made some terrible mistakes with bringing her up on my own (her and her 7 yr old sisters father passed away when they were very young), but for the most part I try to do everything I canto make sure they have everything they need and pretty much all that they want. I have resently had a son, from a new relationship that I desided I was finally ready for then found out I was completely wrong about my choice of a 'man' but it has left me in quite a financial hole, so this 'out of control deal' may be just how Im am seeing it due to me being so stressed out, but really I dont know what to do about the situation with her. I want her to be happy, I wnt our whole little family to be happy ... everyday!! no fighting, yelling, craziness, nothing. Everytime I ask her to do something, most of the time I get bakc talk and she wants me to physically get her to do what it is I am asking her. like taking a shower, calming down in the store, leaving her sister alone, leaving the 3 yr old a watch during the day alone when she gets home from school, going to bed... you name it. its not like I demand her to do what I say, I ask her just regular even nicely. like ok I think its time to go take a shower now... sometime she will go with little aguement other times it a huge disaster. cussing at me, telling me to shut up, constant back talk, throwing things around, kicking at walls and doors. you name it. One might say she doing it for attention, but really she does get attention, okay so maybe not as much as she used to, but I do spend time with both my older girls individually everyday, but then again yes its not as much as our Baby gets. So perhaps its attention she wants. But the things she does is not getting any positive attention from me, so why do it? How do I punish? The only thing I can do is take things away from her, (going to fun places, ds, wii, computer, dessert) which she responds to them 'I dont care'.. there is no such things as time-outs in our house because she wont do it, it would end up being cat and mouse game, and if I would get her in her room I would have to hold the door shut and she would yell and scream, throw things, kick stuff and basically have a tantrum. I really lost at what I can do. She is a great kid with everyone else, teachers rave about her sitter had no major problems,everyone but me she listens to. ANY ADVICE?

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Joanne - posted on 10/04/2012

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Hi Adi. Yes, stay strong because your children need you to be. They can sense your emotions and will react accordingly. I just wanted to mention again about how it is very important to allow your children to help you. Some parents believe that the child is too young to help and thus would tell them to go play or watch TV, etc. Doing that only trains the child to be lazy. One would think that when the child is old enough, they can then get the child to help around the house. Aahhh, most kids get too conditioned to not help especially when we as parents had them go play when there were duties to get done because the child was too young. Actually, children show their willingness to help you at a very young age (like 2 or 3 yrs old), so one can accept those jesters of contribution to you by saying thank you for helping mommy even if its the smallest thing. Accepting you children's help make them feel good about themselves because believe me, they do want to help so let your children become part of doing chores but don't force it. They in turn become easier to get along with and will listen to you rather than talk back. It is sort of a two-way thing. You give, they give back. Hope this helps

Adi - posted on 10/04/2012

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Thank you Joanne. I feel that may be it, and Ive been trying to work with her on it, but I will have to work a little harder on it, and probably her sister right way too for I dont want her going thru the same. Its tough being a single parent, it sometime feels overwhelming when your children dont get whats going on and all your trying hard to do is keep the family going. But yes I need to stay strong for them and show them all how much I love and need them to keep up a positive household. I usually dont ask for help on things but last night I was really close to the end, just writing it all out helped me sort it out but its good getting some positive feed back too.

Thank you again

Joanne - posted on 10/03/2012

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I think you've touched on what is really causing your daughter to be that way and that is, ATTENTION. It is tough when a new born comes into the family. Parents cannot give the same amount of attention to the other children as they once did. Yes, kids can feel like they are not loved as much in their own universe. You know you love her but you're too busy to give the kind of attention you use to give.



A solution would be to have her be part of helping out with the new baby. First, talk to her privately and tell her you love her, etc. Do this privately -- not on the run so she'll know that you really mean it! Then ask for her help with the baby or say, "Mommy really needs your help. Can you help me?" Ask DON'T demand it. When you consult her for her help, she'll give it willingly. When you DEMAND it, she'll revolt!



Do not punish her. This will make her more defiant! Tough love doesn't work. It only makes the kid more Tough against their parents.



Communication is key with lots of tolerance and she'll come around. Good luck

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