A child from an affair

Charity - posted on 11/26/2015 ( 9 moms have responded )

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i am a 34 year old lady with two kids aged 4 and 5 months. my husband has a child from an affair that he had in 2008 before our own children were born. it has been very difficult for me to accept the whole issue and now he wants us to stay with the child. how do i tackle this because i feel that he has no right to say this, it is like he is dictating terms to me

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Sarah - posted on 11/30/2015

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The thought that keeps coming back to me is that you chose to stay and have children with this man even though he had cheated and parented a child. In that action, IMO you sealed the deal with him and his child. What if the mother passed away, became disabled, was sent to jail, rehab or whatever? Those conditions must have crossed your mind when you reunited with your husband originally- even if your never thought it would play out. The possibility of your husband having to parent has always been there, as it would for any father.

Michelle - posted on 11/30/2015

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Like Raye has said, you have chosen to stay with your husband after his affair. His affair resulted in a child so you are going to have to deal with the result for the rest of your lives together. It's not the child's fault so please don't treat the child any differently to your own.
He has the right to have a relationship and you can't come between them. If you really can't accept the relationship then you really need to decide what you want to do.
I would also suggest for you to get into some counseling for yourself. It will help you work through what you are feeling and also what you want for your future.

Raye - posted on 11/30/2015

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Forgiveness should be an all or nothing. If you have truly forgiven your husband for the affair, then you have therefore agreed to live with the consequences of that. And anytime a child is involved, you have to consider that the child will become a bigger part of your life. If you felt you wouldn't be able to handle that, then you should have gotten out a long time ago, before you had kids with the guy. This is your children's half-brother. And the child did not ask to be born into this situation either. But the child does have a right to his father. And the father has a right to his child.

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Charity - posted on 11/30/2015

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yes he wants that. the mother i alive and kicking and i assume she will not mind as well because she has hinted in the past that the boy would love to live with us. i do not mind visits now and then but i do not think i will ever be ok with the child staying permanently with us

Michelle - posted on 11/29/2015

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So is he wanting to get full custody? Is there any reason he thinks that he will get it? What about the child's Mother, where is she in all this?
Yes your husband does have a right to be in his child's life. You have to decide if you are still going to forgive him and let the child into your life.

Sarah - posted on 11/29/2015

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There are so many facets to this issue you are going to need some time and some help to negotiate terms you can tolerate. First, you forgave him and took him back knowing he had a child. However, you never agreed to parent this child. At the same time it is not the child's fault and he should not be deprived of a relationship with his father and half-siblings because of the circumstances of his birth. Has your husband been seeing this child all along? Is the other woman going to be part of the day to day raising the child issues (doctor, school issue, graduations)? Who will care for this child during the day when adults are at work?

Charity - posted on 11/27/2015

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He wants us to live with the child. i feel it is unfair on me because this is a huge step. though i have known about the child from 2009 i only met him for the first time in December last year.

Michelle - posted on 11/26/2015

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What do you mean by stay with the child? Is he wanting the child to live with you or for him to have regular visitation?
It's very hard getting over an affair (if you ever do). I couldn't get over my ex husband having an affair, that's why he's my ex.
All I will say is that it's not the child's fault and whatever you do, don't hate the child. I think it is unfair of your husband to expect you to embrace his child though, it's rubbing your face in his affair everytime. I would let your husband know that he can have regular visitation with his child but not to force the child into your life.
Do you trust him now or are you still struggling to trust him? How is your marriage now?

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