Jacqueline - posted on 07/15/2012 ( 34 moms have responded )
I am a single Mother of two children whom I love dearly. However, lately I have been playing the shoulda, coulda, woulda, and what if game. I met my husband when I was 20, we married 11 months later, had a baby, and out of studipity of not knowing how to use birth control, had my daughter 13 months later. By 25 our marriage was over and I got the kids, no child support, no stabe home, or an education to support them. I was a stay at home Mom for three years. What am I to do was the first thing that came to mind. My parents wouldn't help out, so I stay in 3 different shelters to survive from being homeless. I went back to school and earned a AAS degree. I got my culinary arts degree. Now ten years later, I have had 13 employers, 4 different places to live, with the one I am at now hanging by a thread, never had more than 100.00 in savings, and I am the working poor. People say I am strong and a good person trying to and determine to provide a better life for my children. I see a loser, who at the age of 33 is still starting over and can't seem to get it right. What is wrong with me. I pray to God to just end it now. Take my from my hell and call me home. When I drive down the street I want a dunk driver to hit me and kill us instantly. My Father says I am being selfish and cruel. That me wanting to die and the children as well is awful. I agree. But after 10 years of being on my own, trying to live a good life, do all the right things, I am still broke, I get paid minuminum wage, and I'm still on gov't assistant just to put food on the table. How is this living. My children are good kids, they make straight A's, they like helping, and they are kind and polite. But I barely have anything for them. It's summer, and while their friends are out enjoying family outings, vactions, trips to the pool, fun things to do, my children are at home watching t.v or getting on each others nerves, while I am at work making money to pay for one bill and gas. I am tried of trying to just get through another day without something being turned off or to hear that I am being kicked out of my home, because I cannot pay rent. I left my husband because he became abusive and almosted killed my daughter and myself. I thought leaving him for good would be much better than staying. Now I am not navie, I knew I would have trouble getting on my feet again, but 10 years later, I am no where. My Father says I have my children, that, thats something. How is that something. I do believe if I hadn't had them and life was this bad as it is now, then I would have not have a problem with exiting this world. But having children, and being a single parent who can barely care for them is not being successful or something to brag about. How can he say that. If I hadn't been Catholic and thought the only way my relationship with my ex was going to work out, we needed to be married, maybe I would have taken a different path. If only I had lefted him the first time he put his hands on me. If only I could have seen that he didn't love me, but wanted to own me. Why, why, why. I know it doesn't help. But, going back to school, working hard, making sure my children were safe and had the opportunity to live a peaceful life without the fear of being hurt has not gotten me anywhere either. If it weren't for Food stamps, transitional living programs, my parents finanical support in desperate times, and God's grace, I would have been worse off. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, sleep around, or even go out, but I live a life of pain, sorrow, anger, unfairness, that you'd think I deserve this life style. I can relate a lot to Job in the bible being that I have been abused, mistreated, judged unfairly, and been used, and although, God and I have had heated conversation, I love my Lord and I still believe that I am here for a reason other than my kids. There's nothing like the feeling that you were meant to do something with your life, for someone and you barely can get out of bed or the opportunities aren't there. I am ashamed and disappointed with myself, that I am not able to stand on my own two feet and live up to the potiental God created me for. I know he is not done with me yet, because I am still here and I have commit sucide 3 times in my youth, once in my adolestance, I survived my ex husband's last and final attack, and I have been praying for him to bring us home for the past two years. So, is it wrong to want to throw in the towel? To want/ wish for something bad to happen to me and my family because I can't seem to provide a good desent life for my children? Or am I being selfish and robbing my children of having joy and happiness of a life I can't even fathom with the way my life as gone for the past 33 years? I am not quitter, yet I don't see any progress or results for my fruits of labor and perverences? Yes I am strong and have beaten the odds, but when will it stop? When will I be able to be a witness to God's power and share my story so I may inspire or help someone else that couldn't see the light? When will I be able to have the positive out shine the negative? I don't want to be rich or famous, have a house on the hill, drive a BMW or what ever is popluar these days. I just want to be able to be proud of the woman I am, pay ALL my bills, put food on the table, enjoy hanging out with my children, and maybe once in awhile get out and enjoy being an adult for once. Is that too much to ask for? I need to believe that I am not doing all of this hard work through pain, blood, sweat, and tears for nothing. My children deserve much more, more than I am able to give. Therefore, I am reaching out in anyways I can. Please help me find my villiage to help me raise good, homesome, and productive young adults.