A DESPERATE PLEA.....

CHARLENE - posted on 07/17/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

22

0

1

I have 2 young children a 16 month old and a 6month old. i cant cope no longer what can i do. I feel isolated and cant keep up with their demands especially my 16month old. She throws tantrums if you can even call these that where she screams throws items at me the walls and her little brother. She drops where ever she is standing and bangs her head then stands up and repeats it. She never takes a telling and yes this has resulted in a smack on the leg or hand ( well i say smack but more like a firm warning tap) she takes no notice of this punishment or naughty steps or corner. Her little brothers high pitch demanding screams leave me feeling useless and worthless. Might i just add iam with there dad although he stays in his own flat and works 13/14 hours shifts a day sometimes 6 days a week then tells me he needs 'me time' so he can go fishing with his mates on sometimes his only day off. i Resent the fact he works and even if i did i couldnt afford the day care. me and him fight constantly and in an arguement i have even told him to take full custody of the kids My dad died last year of pancreatic cancer i was his full time carer as well as being pregnant and having a 6month old daughter, the year before that my nan passed away with tumours on her brain, Now im not after sympathy but they were the 2 people in life i was closest too and the only ones that really could help with my bipolar tendancies. With there passing i have no one to help with kids so one every month for one nite they go to my part time mother for 1 nite normally around 12 hours and they are back. i go out daily to feed the ducks or park, shopping keep a clean house so im occupied including the children, but theres always the underlying problem. Iresent there father for getting to work , have daily adult company and still have a social life. In my heart of hearts i dont think i can look after my children. i have researched everything on tantrums and how to help them to sleep. Being on my own with just children 24/7 is becoming to much. I know i chose to have children i just never realised the support would be so scarce and their dad would find a job that kept him away from home for so long

11 Comments

View replies by

Felicity - posted on 07/19/2012

18

5

3

Lol. I know exactly what you mean. I remember some saying that goes something like- we have children so that we can experience the torture we put our parents through. Its amazing though that even when they are at their naughtiest when you stop and think about it my children are my world and I couldn't imagine my life without them. The unconditional love they gave for you and you for them is the best feeling ever. It doesn't stop me from shaking my head though and wonder how my mum and everyone else survived. They are definitely cheeky little monkeys (monkeys being I think the best word to describe them going by how much the like to climb and stand on things that just aren't made for it!! Lol).

CHARLENE - posted on 07/18/2012

22

0

1

lol i cant wait for that day. My mum said when i fell pregnant she hoped i had a baby girl that gave me as much grieve as i gave her. Guess her hopes came true and kayleigh was sent to test my new parent boundaries. nathan is only 6months so ave yet to see one of his almighty tantrums. kayleighrose has fell of my ottoman and burst her lip i panicked lifted her soothed her till she stopped crying put her down on couch with a bottle and she got up and went straight back over to climb onit again. she tips her toybox over and stands on that. since having kids my heart most of the time sits in my mouth they terrify me. people say they learn after they hurt themseves, my kayleigh doesnt x

Felicity - posted on 07/18/2012

18

5

3

Hi Charlene,

I think you're doing a great job and already doing everything that I could suggest. My son Josh sounds very similar - doesn't like the word No unless he is saying it! Lol. They do get better as they get older too.

I was talking with my mum the other day at how different my Josh is from my daughter Zhi. I love both their personalities but Zhi was a lot easier to keep safe - when I said No she would go off and do something else whereas Josh will go back again and again and again!! My mum then laughed and said "reminds me of someone else". Apparently I was 10 times worse than Josh - I climbed on everything to the point I fell off a pool ladder and broke my arm at age 2 1/2. My mum ended up putting me in a cold shower to chill me out one day.

So all I can say is keep your chin up and know that one day you and Kayleigh will probably look back and laugh at how much of a terror she was!

CHARLENE - posted on 07/18/2012

22

0

1

Hi felicity thankyou very much i know everyone has there opinions and thats fine im 24 years old and i do try. i get a rest once a month with an over night stay at there nans but thats it. i have time with both kids on their own kayleigh just seems to get very frustrated at being told off and she despises the word NO. I read a book every night with my 16month old and soothe her to sleep just during the day weather permitting there is sometimes we cant get out. As we live in scotland the weather is mostly awful but i still try fun activities in the house and have longer bath times with them to break up there day. i try to involve her helping me with nathan like getting spoons out the drawer or baby wipes for a nappy change and we do alot of playtimes with toys and singing but still she gets frustrated when she cant climb all over her brother or she has started pulling his eyelashes when hes sleeping as she isnt in a cot anymore due to her being able to jump over the bars. x

Felicity - posted on 07/18/2012

18

5

3

Hi Charlene,

I don't think anyone should criticize your parenting! Looking after 2 small children is hard, especially when one child is around that 16-24 month mark. My daughter breezed through this time But my son, who I treat exactly the same and who I love just as much, can be very trying and also throws a tantrum here and there (including lashing out at his sister). I think at that age children don't always have the cognitive ability to understand time-out and what it really means and I too have faced times where a tap on the hand has been required when he has tried to pinch/hurt his sister or if he is doing something dangerous and I have tried to divert him away beforehand. I don't believe this is abuse at all (we are not talking about smacking or hitting or hurting the child) and in Australia it is not illegal to smack/discipline a child as long as it is not excessive. Before people jump on me, I am very much a supporter of removing a child from a situation, getting down to their level and talking to them about their behaviour or other non physical punishments, but sometimes a tap on the hand is not unreasonable.

Charlene, I am not sure of the system where you live, but do you have occasional childcare available just to give you a bit of a rest once in a whole and provide your daughter with a different setting?

Also, is there any pattern to her tantrums - at a certain time of the day, when she wants something in particular.

I commend you on looking after your little ones and I understand how tough bring a single mum is!! I find giving my children some one on one time with me (maybe when your youngest is asleep) can also be very positive as they feel very special and see that they dont have to be naughty to get the attention they desire. Good luck and keep your spirits up!!

CHARLENE - posted on 07/18/2012

22

0

1

julianne i dont spank (spank to me is a hard slap over the bum rtc i lightly tap her thigh or her hand ave never marked or lashed out at my children i personally was spanked as a child and i can honestly say its not something thats stuck in my mind so it really wasnt a big deal but in my circumstance i wouldnt hit its just a warning. even as im writing this it sounds bad but i dont spank my children and they are never alarmed or even cry at a warning bad hand. your obviously a parent with high standards of disipline that mite work for your children but not others. yes i have been to toddler groups and my daughter is getting enrolled in baby ballet to start in the next 6 weeks also her brother will be doing baby gymnast to music. its just hard doing it all alone. i don want the upmost best for them and me to be a small part in there sucess and personal attitude towards life and others, I just dont know how to get out the rut of daily tantrums throwing things. and her ripping wallpaper everywhere. naughty corner time out does not work saying no in firm voices does not provoke her and neither does a warning or light tap on hand. I understand people are going to critsize my oparenting and that truely is fine although i know i try my hardest to be deserving of my children and be a great mum im just saying its difficult

Sonya - posted on 07/17/2012

23

10

3

Maybe see your doctor and mention a screening for autism. I have the same problem with my son. I always thought he was 'spirited' but we are now going through the motions of seeing about a diagnosis. I also can relate to being with your children 24-7. My boyfriend worked all the time and I felt like there wasn't enough time for myself. Try taking up your friend's proposal about taking your older daughter for a while. Might be good for her to spend some time away from her baby brother. Maybe if you can get a councillor and get them to help you find funding for daycare you could have your children go there for part of the week. My son is hopefully going into pre-school this fall and I am having my second child as well. I know how it feels and what it's like to lose motivation. I accepted responsibility for my son and vowed to be the best Mom I could be and I feel like it's crashing down on me and I don't know what to do any more. But I just keep motoring on and hoping I can find a solution to my stress.

Sarah - posted on 07/17/2012

629

0

83

As far as needing adult company goes, is there a parent and baby/toddler group in your area? They are good for your children to have fun and be stimulated and an opportunity for you to make friends and get some adult conversation.

Have you talked through your grieving over your dad and nan with anyone? As mums we often just carry on caring for others and don't take the time we need for our own emotional health. Grieving is a lengthy, complex process and you having been your dad's carer will have it's own issues. Maybe talking to a counsellor would help.

Also are there any parenting classes where you live. These can be really useful, even if it's only for you to realise you're not the only one struggling!

CHARLENE - posted on 07/17/2012

22

0

1

no she says a few words like hiya, ta, dada but she understands words like if i ask her to get a bottle or her baby or her wee brother a dummy. Yeah ave talked to him but he says he needs to work as its hard to get a job. This i understand but i cannot fathom the idea of him being away for so long and i cant get used to this lifestyle of daily tantrums and arguing. He says we are going to start doing a weekend on and a weekend off where he will take them over nite a sunday nite every 2nd weekend. I dont know though if im going to cope doing this any longer. yes i have friends with kids but they always say they can take one child and i don't want the kids seperated :( am so confused with life. I think they may be best off with him and his family as i dont have the support he could get where he is from. He travelled and moved 500miles to be with me and me and him cant even remember why we are in love anymore x

Cherish - posted on 07/17/2012

727

72

180

Hi,
Does your daughter talk yet?If she is delayed there could be a underlying reason for her tantrums.
It is good that you can see the real problem,saying you resent the father...Have you talked to him?
Does he never take the children?Maybe you can show up at his house and say "here ya go,I will be back tomorrow to get them",then walk away...lol

Do you have friends with children your age?Maybe you guys can take turns baby sitting each others kids.
Can you see a dr and maybe get on some medication for anxiety?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms