A disciplined wife (16 year age gap)

Jill - posted on 08/21/2016 ( 34 moms have responded )

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I'm 25 years young and newly married to a 41 year old man with three little girls. My husband does not believe in disciplining the girls. However, if my husband's thinks I misbehave he will punish me. Not by spanking (which is the way my mother raised me) but other forms of discipline. Like writing lines or a letter of apology, walking 5-10 miles, 10-20 push-ups, eating hot chili powder on my dinner, or eating jalapeño pepper or well you get it .. Do other woman undergo the same? Is this an age thing? Or power thing? I grew up without a father and much family so don't have experience either way. I love him but we are only married about three months and is happening more and more when he's home as he travels a lot for work. Sorry if this is getting to long..

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Sarah - posted on 08/21/2016

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While some marriages do have domestic discipline as part of the husband/wife dynamic. This would have been a mutually agreed upon arrangement before the wedding. he is your husband, not your father or your master. I'd get this out on the table and seek some counseling to balance to relationship or get out.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/22/2016

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Jill, I don't like excuses for not doing what needs to be done. No need to apologize. I would prefer to see a women like you leave the marriage now before it is to late. If you leave now, and get counseling, hopefully you can gain some self respect and know you deserve better than this. PLEASE DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!
And please keep this conversation OUT of my PM. I am not going to reply in private any longer.

Dove - posted on 08/22/2016

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Oh goody... I got my PM. I didn't realize you beat the kids black and blue w/ a belt. I figured maybe one or two swats (not OK, but no where near as horrid as what you actually DID to them). If you had beat MY children like that the only 'discipline' you would get is assault charges and jail time. This is not a marriage and you should not be anywhere near this family.... Though w/ the way this man treats you it was only a matter of time before you cracked. Too bad it's the children that have paid for it... and will likely continue to pay for it as long as the abusive duo (you and your husband) continues.

Like I said... I'm done. PMing me didn't change that.

You deserve to be in jail for what you did to those kids... absolutely, but you do NOT need to be assaulted back.

Michelle - posted on 08/22/2016

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Abuse isn't violence. He is treating you like a subservient, not an equal. When you are married you are equal and he shouldn't be "teaching" you anything.
Abuse comes in all forms from physical, mental and verbal. The way he is treating you is abusive. A man shouldn't be "disciplining" his wife AT ALL!!!!!!
What makes him better than you? Just because he is a man, HELL NO.

Michelle - posted on 08/22/2016

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You are being abused and all of your responses are classic of an abused woman.
All you do is defend him and say the things you are doing wrong to anger him. THAT IS NOT RIGHT!!!!!!!
The fact that he asked your priest to talk to you about not denying him sex is wrong. It's your body and f you don't want to them that should be the end of it.
He buys you things? That's not love. Love is him showing you with his actions and abusing you isn't love. Him buying you things could be his way of "making it right" but it's not love.
Until you stop with the excuses and get some help (NOT talking to your husband) you will be in an abusive relationship. Talking to your husband won't get you anywhere as he will spin some sort of story and blame you and you will accept it. You will always think you are the one to blame as that's what he keeps telling you.
He is not better than you, he's a horrible man and deserves to be alone. The children aren't your so please don't stay because of them. I would be giving the same advice if they were yours anyway.

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Dove - posted on 08/22/2016

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I give up. You are blind and perhaps it will only be if he turns violent and beats you to a pulp that you will see just how truly sick and twisted this situation is. As was said earlier... I pray you are a troll just riling people up w/ this nonsense because otherwise... what you are living w/ and willing to put up w/ is truly terrifying.

Like I said earlier... I came from an emotionally and sexually abusive marriage and from the things you have posted about your husband... my ex seems like a saint. I wish you would take the word of a woman who has BEEN abused... but clearly you aren't at that point yet.

Good luck cuz you are going to need it. I quit.

Dove - posted on 08/22/2016

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There absolutely is something you can do about the 'discipline' you will receive. You tell him no and if he presses the matter you leave the home immediately. If he will not allow you to leave the home you call the police to escort you out of there.

You took one tiny part of what I said and turned it to your fault... and that is the mindset of an abused woman. PLEASE do not let him abuse you anymore. When he returns to care for the children... you have a bag packed and you walk out the door. Go to your mom or... anywhere... that is away from this horrible environment.

His side only seems right because he has conditioned you to think so poorly of yourself.

You are an abused wife. I will tell you that over and over again to any response you have because you NEED to hear it. You need to get it into your head that he has no right to treat you like he does. You deserve to be safe and loved and the way he treats you is NOT OK on any level at all. I will turn into a broken record on this matter until I hear that you are safe and far away from him.

Dove - posted on 08/22/2016

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You shouldn't spank his kids... no clue who on this site told you to do it, but I can guarantee it isn't any of the women responding to THIS post, but he should also not 'discipline' you for it... or for anything.

It is NOT his job to discipline his wife. You are both taking good, Biblical principles (man as the leader) and twisting them for his own sick desires. I do believe in true Biblical submission... 100%, but men like your husband like to leave out the second part of that Biblical principle and neglect the part about husband's laying down their lives for their wives.... meaning... if he were following the Bible he would not be doing ANY of the things to you that he is doing.

I like the way the pastor at my church puts it. Yes, the husband is the head of the household... but the woman is the neck... and go ahead and see how far that head gets unless it is in cooperation w/ the neck. ;)

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2016

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And in answer to your various questions, this is NOT an age thing, it is a power thing. Abuse is about power.

Dove - posted on 08/22/2016

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And... he assaulted you for refusing to let him rape you. That is what really occurred on your wedding night. Don't try and dress it up to put you at fault... please.

Dove - posted on 08/22/2016

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If you say no and he gets mad at you or tries to punish you or goes ahead and does it anyway... abuse.. and rape... 100%. If I were you (or if I were me and could go back in time)... I would get out NOW... Just leave the home and go elsewhere. Do not live w/ him or have contact w/ him outside of a therapist's office... period.

Granted, I know I said I'd stop advising, but the more you post the more outraged and disgusted I am getting.... You need help... now. He needs help... now. The two of you should not be under the same roof unless/until some serious therapy occurs and he changes. Not one thing you have mentioned has you at fault on any level yet. Sure, maybe you have said or done some things in the relationship that would not be in the best interest of a relationship, but if you have... it hasn't been any of the things you have mentioned so far. This guy... is no good.

Saying 'I love you' and buying you things is not real love. Love is more than a word and a feeling.... love is an action and NONE of the actions you have mentioned are him showing real love... not a single one of them.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2016

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"Well, it seems silly now but I didn't want to present my bottom for a different kind of sexual act. I didn't like that he slapped me for it but realize now how ridiculous and ungrown up I was behaving."

This insinuates he punished you for initially refusing anal sex. Abuse.

If you can't see that you are being abused, you need counselling. Several women here have been telling you this, and you are blind to it. This is NOT a normal relationship. But it isn't unusual that you can't see it. You need to see a counsellor. Obviously you came here for a reason - because you are confused as to how you are being treated. Go and talk to a counsellor about those same feelings.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2016

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So basically, you were punished for trying to deny him anal sex? Sorry, but that's abuse. If you don't want anal sex, then you have that right to deny him. In fact, if you don't want sex at all, you have the right to say no. Disciplining you into having anal sex is rape. Period. Go and get some counselling.

Dove - posted on 08/22/2016

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Abuse isn't a strong word... it's the exact right word for the situation you are in. Even if you were a child and he were your father I would say he's abusing you. The fact that you are his WIFE... means you should leave this relationship immediately.

I'm done trying to advise someone who clearly does not want to see what is right in front of her face. I don't entirely blame you though... heck, I was divorced for 4 years and in counseling for a year and a half before I could admit that I had been in an abusive relationship... and my ex was practically an angel compared to your husband...

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/22/2016

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THis is NOT a normal marriage. Marriage first of all is about love, mutual respect, kindness, wanting to be with a person. Not dominating another person and bending their will.
I was asking you to clarify about your wedding night. WHAT did you NOT want to do, and why did he punish you and why do you feel it was right for him to be mad?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/22/2016

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Jill, I have to hope you are a troll. Listen to what you are saying. You are indeed in an abusive relationship. I would love to lift you up and help you out of your situation, but it seems like you want to be where you are. Like I said earlier, go talk with your mother. Like now.

Dove - posted on 08/22/2016

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If he tries to make you do any of these punishments and you tell him 'no, I'm your wife, not your child.'.... how does he react?

Dove - posted on 08/22/2016

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It is not his 'job' to 'teach' you to be a better wife and mother. It is his job to love and accept you exactly as you are and encourage you to reach your full potential as a person (as is your 'job' to him as well) and for the two of you to grow together. That comes w/ conversations, support, and encouragement... not consequences like you would give a child for wrongdoing. You are his EQUAL regardless of how much age and experience he has on you. Period. If you are not equals 100%... it's not a marriage. He isn't being a husband to you... he's being a 'father' to you and that's pretty sick and is NOT love... at least not marital love. If that's the kind of twisted thing you want... fine, stay in it, but you came here posting for advice because you are clearly not happy w/ the arrangement... and rightly so. I hope you get into that counseling very quickly and the counselor helps to empower you to stop tolerating this abusive relationship.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/22/2016

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You REALLY should clarify this statement please:
" It was our wedding night that I didn't want to do something and he got angry with me saying about wifely duties and all. Which I come to realize he is right"
This is a very concerning statement.

Sarah - posted on 08/22/2016

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"my husband is smarter, wiser, more experienced and trying to help me come a better wife and mother"
I cannot disagree more. Older? Experience in some ways? Yes. Smarter? Wiser? No. My hubby challenges me to be the best wife and mother that I can be as well; but he has never harmed me in the process. Not physically or emotionally. Is he perfect; heck no, but he is a good man. We differ on many things and I have to admit that if I what know now I knew back when I was 22, I would not have married him. That is a long complicated story; but the bottom line here is; abuse is abuse. You did not consent to this dynamic before your marriage and you are being abused. Do you get to punish him when he displeases you? I suppose not. Why was a discussion about this "marital discipline" not held before the wedding? More than likely you'd have wised up before you vowed to stay for better or worse. Where is the mother of the children? I'd love to know what she has to say about this ungodly man. And before you defend him as godly; remember he punished you on your wedding night. For what? I can't imagine and don't want to know but that should have been a night of joy; not sorrow

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/22/2016

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Your first problem is that you think your husband is better than you, and his "punishment" is warranted. You are another of his children, not his wife. You have been together such a short time, and already hitting a brick wall with your marriage. THIS is HUGE red flags, and quite honestly it is going to take a LOT of marriage counseling together and individual counseling separately. Do you think he will even go?? It is humiliating what he is doing to you. If you had known this is how he would act as a husband, would you still have married him? What exactly are you looking for in this relationship? Why did his last marriage end?

And actually, you did reply after me first asking you not to PM me. I talk on the posts because I choose to have an open conversation. I rarely have private conversations, and it is usually only with those I have known for years on this site.

Sarah - posted on 08/22/2016

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Jill, listen to yourself.
We are just making a tiny joke and your berating yourself and begging for forgiveness. You have not done anything wrong. You don't need to apologize publicly.

Dove - posted on 08/22/2016

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What the hell? Sheesh.. Is this one of those posters that is nice on the surface and in 'public', but psycho and stalkerish in private? Gotta love those... I feel left out. I didn't get a PM... lol

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/22/2016

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Please stop PMing me. I will no longer reply. Grow up. Get out of the relationship. Move on. Stop hitting his kids. Learn what love truly is before you commit to a relationship again. Move the hell out. It is simple. Stop complicating things with your excuses. Stop being a martyr. Stop enabling his dominating demands. Just stop.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/22/2016

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I truly wish you the best of luck, and I hope you get the support you need. Find the marriage you want, not how he is treating you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/21/2016

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Tell your mom how he is treating you. I am sure she will talk to you in a way that we cannot about how this is abuse.

Michelle - posted on 08/21/2016

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I don't respond to PM's since you had originally posted here so I will respond here.
You seem to have a history of being with men who are dominating. Only you can change the relationships you are in. You don't have to accept it but you have already come up with excuses about why you can't leave.
Until you decide that what YOU want from your life is more important than being with a man then you won't listen to any advice.
Just because you aren't educated, doesn't mean you can't leave. You don't have any children to this man so there is nothing keeping you with him. It's your choice.

Michelle - posted on 08/21/2016

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Arrgghh, another duplicate post.
Here is what I posted in the other one.

He hasn't married you because he loves you, he has married you to have control over you.
That's not the way a man should treat his wife at all!!!!
I would be leaving him now and learning from this experience.
A husband should love you for who you are and not "punish" you at all. You are an adult and should NEVER be treated like a child by your husband. A marriage is a partnership and should have mutual respect, not 1 being dominant over the other.

Dove - posted on 08/21/2016

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Something is seriously wrong w/ that man.... He sounds like a power tripping abuser. Please seek some counseling immediately. This is not a situation that I would have married into for SOOOO many reasons. Good luck!

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