A lot of times I think it's unfair that a lot of women get their tubes tied

Freda - posted on 06/19/2012 ( 94 moms have responded )

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..a lot of men I know wouldn't even consider a vasectomy...black guys in particular..I'm not sure about other races...

whats your opinion?
if you agree, why do you think "some men" choose not to at all?

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Krista - posted on 06/19/2012

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Good point. A lot of men are irrationally sensitive about their junk, and refuse to get vasectomies, preferring for their wives/partners to have to go through major surgery. Frankly, I would think a lot less of a man like that.

My own husband, when asked about it, said, "If you can go through 9 months of pregnancy AND labour and childbirth, I'd have to be some kind of asshole to refuse to get a little snip, wouldn't I?"

Johnny - posted on 06/19/2012

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If the woman WANTS the tubal herself, then she should get one. Our bodies, we get to decide. Same with the man, if he's willing to get the vasectomy, then even if she gets a tubal, he should still be able to do it if he wants. And if he doesn't want to and she doesn't want the tubal, then they'd better figure out something quick or start taking a lot of cold showers. But hearing about women who feel pressured to get major surgery by selfish husbands disgusts me.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/21/2012

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Hmm, at work one day I mentioned that my husband and I now had two children and were now looking at the 'final solution'. I worked at a very high class, professional corporate environment and there were only two women on my team. Immediately, one of the men said he'd already had 'the snip' and then chimed in two other team mates. My husband got sorted after our second child, by mutual agreement. We did discuss if I would get my tubes tied or if he would do the snip, but I didn't have a large resistance from him on the choice being for him to have a vasectomy.

Do consider that you're asking someone to change their fundamental anatomy, however, and that may be disconcerting in and of itself. I think the issues here are far more benign than 'he doesn't see himself with you' or 'he's a coward afraid of a little snip and wants you to do big surgery' etc. It's natural for him to feel sensitive about the issue in the same manner many women are uncomfortable about changing their name. It's not about whether or not they love their husbands or are cowards, it's about their internal sense of identity. And also, really, recovery times aside, many women fundamentally don't want to get their tubes tied for the very same reasons men aren't comfortable having their junk messed with, and it's only convenient for many of us to point at our men and use 'it's easier for you' as an excuse for saying they ought to instead of us.

This being said, the snip IS easy as surgeries go and has a mild recovery in comparison to other methods. But there -are- other non surgical contraceptive methods. Don't let resentment build with your husband if he just can't make the leap to physical self alteration - but don't do it yourself if you don't want to take the plunge either. Neither of you should be forcing body alterations on one another (in my opinion, at least), and both need to take responsibility for contraception if you don't want to have kids. So don't let him force you, you don't force him, and work together to solve the issue in the meantime with other methods.

This is probably what you're already doing, just drop the resentment and let the process of working together happen.

Katreena - posted on 06/21/2012

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To me, it's not about "making" my husband have a V, it's about a reasoned discussion as to who will have more side effects from the procedure. Statistically, the V is not only a less-invasive surgery, but men have fewer physical side effects both from the surgery itself and from also later on. I have far too many friends and acquaintances who have had some pretty rough side effects after having their tubes tied, and it's not something I want to risk. If my husband refused to have a V after we're done having kids, I would simply go back to the ParaGard IUD, which my husband doesn't love but is the only birth control I trust that doesn't give me horrible side effects.

Whitney - posted on 06/21/2012

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My DH pretty much said the same - I'd had five pregnancies, three births (two CS and one full episiotomy), nursed two of the three, and took birth control for YEARS>>>>>>if I could underscore, bold, and italic the word I would. Birth control is not an option for me henceforth due to some allergy issues (and the fact that EVERY SINGLE pregnancy was on birth control - usually more than one form), which also negated condoms. Our options were tubal, Vas, or have unprotected intercourse, or don't have intercourse... I refused the tubal bc after polling another mama board, 43% of respondents (a few hundred responded) had had at least one pregnancy AFTER their tubal. That number was MUCH smaller with couples who had a Vas instead of the tubal. After MUCH research, it became apparent there were much higher rates of failure and health risks with a tubal than with a Vas. The biggest drawback of the Vas is that now my DH experiences the momentary but intense pain I do with orgasm - his due to the Vas and mine from the episiotomy. so now he's finally going through all the psychological crap I've been dealing with for over a decade with regard to intercourse due to his conflict in desire to have intercourse v. his desire to NOT have pain.... LOL Just fyi, we were not aware this was a possibility with the Vas, tho I wouldn't redo. I'm done having kids. Def want the option with the least possibility for pregnancy. And yes, he repeatedly verbalized what an ass it would make him if he weren't willing after seeing me go through everything I had to.

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Aleks - posted on 07/28/2012

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All the men around my partner have had a vasectomy. Its the done thing in our circles. So, my other half is now saying that he wants to get his done (well, he has mentioned it a couple of times, but not going around saying it like he is about to go and book one, at least not yet). He always mentioned that once we are finished with having kids this is what he will do - have a vasectomy.
Now I have a problem, because he says he is done, and I am not :-(

Well....to me this is more of a cultural thing of what is around you. Example, if you are around a few women who have had their tubes tied, then I reckon, you are more likely to get yours done. If your man is around other men who have had a vasectomy, then there is greater possibility that he will be open and willing to do it too. Like I said, just about every man (that is close to my fiance) has had a vasectomy once they were done having more children. Therefore, its the thing to do for all these men, including my fiance, as a birth control method.
And it makes sense to do it this way. There is far less chances of complications arising out his vasectomy than her getting tubes tied!

User - posted on 07/28/2012

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I had my tubes tied after my third child but mainly because I had two c-sections in less than a year. All three of them were c-sections. Back then, they did not give you an option, you have one, the rest are, too. There really were not any statistics but they felt it was unsafe to have too many. Ultimately, it was my decision, as either one of the choices is up to the individual. My daughter had all three of hers by c-section, also, and had her tubes tied after the third one. She had a rough time with the last one and she was told with the last one they did not recommend her having another because there could be serious problems for her and/or the baby if she did. She is happy with her two boys and her baby girl! But the bottom line is, the decision is up to the individual person!

Beth - posted on 07/28/2012

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My husband is a black man, and had no issue with getting a vasectomy. I gave him 4 beautiful children, and he respected that I did not want to go through the pain of getting my tubes tied. He understood my body had been through enough and now it was his turn :)
Also getting a vasectomy wasn't too hard on him. He walked in and walked out the doc told him to take some tylenol for the pain and ice his "boys" lol!
Everything works fine! I know some guys worry it won't work after but believe me it will be just fine!!!

Danielle - posted on 07/28/2012

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I was scheduled for a tubal duing my daughters birth (baby three) and I was 23 years old, my spouse 25. That day he said not to and that he was scheduling a vasectomy, he knew it would be hard on my LONG term.. And he is BLACK!! So i think it is men in general being scared they will be injured or something. It is out patient surgery, takes less than half an hour, and you go home.. He was ready to go back to work two days later, and healed for the most part in a week!! DEFINITELY was not as bad as any of us thought.. 5 years later all is well no issues, and no more babies.. ;-)

Alexandra - posted on 07/28/2012

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My husband got a vasectomy very willingly. As a result, we enjoy spontaneous sex with no risk of additional pregnancies. I think he believes it is one of the best decisions he's ever made and is always happy to talk about it with other guys, who are usually uninformed about what a vasectomy is. If more men understood that a vasectomy equals complete sexual freedom (and how nice it is!) believe me, more of them would be signing up!!

Corinne - posted on 07/28/2012

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I'm having the Essure procedure done in a few weeks time, signed all the forms yesterday. My husband is also getting snipped (when he gets his act together and registers with a doc) as he wants to have it done. We discussed all this when we were planning our family. We wanted two kids, two years apart then we would look at sterilisation. We have what we wanted and now that our youngest is 4yrs old and we still feel the same way, we're going for it.

[deleted account]

I am glad to revisit this thread. I've been looking at permanenet birth control and my dr. basically 'scolded' me by saying that a woman has no right to guilt-trip her husband into a procedure he simply does not want. It makes sense to me. *I* want my husband to get a vasectomy so *I* could get an ablation (extremly clumpy/clotty periods). That's pretty selfish of me. If *I* wanted a procedure, then it is up to *ME* to take care of sterilization myself. I apologized to my husband for being selfish for many years for nagging at him to get snipped. *HE* is not willing to get it done. Therefore, permanent birth control falls on me. I am glad my doctor had that discussion with me. It has nothing to do with race either, and every man is different.

Sherri - posted on 07/26/2012

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I had a tubal my choice best thing ever with no complications. Easy peasy right after I had my 4th child. I was 5 days shy of 40 and did not have a c-section. I went in to surgery the next morning after my vaginal delivery.

Amanda - posted on 07/26/2012

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There a lot of medical reasons why a man should NOT get one however my husband was willing to. I decided that I would just have a tubal because I was having my second child c-section. Plus I am 40 and both my pregnancies were rough. WELL...since my tubal I have had major medical problems (directly related to tubal) and have went from a career focused woman to a stay at home Mom. Which I now regret having my tubal I would risk my health just to bring another beautiful child into this world. Ladies think LONG and hard before you do it.

Kristin - posted on 07/23/2012

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my husband got a vasectomy i just didnt want to get my tubes tied if i would have had a c-section sure i would have done it then but i did not so it was easier for him to get it done healing was faster to to each thier own but im glad it was him and not me lol

Michelle - posted on 06/29/2012

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I dont think it has anything to do with race, more about upbringing. I personally would never ask my partner to get it done, and I would never want to get my tubes tied either. My partner on the other hand wants to get it done when he is older and also wants me to get my tubes tied.

Yolanda - posted on 06/25/2012

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After having a placental abruption with our fourth child my husband told me that he would have a vasectomy so that I would not have to go through any more surgery. My husband is Dominican and did not think twice about having it done, he did not want to take any chances of me having any complications with a second surgery after almost losing our daughter and myself during her labor. I believe it has alot to do with the character of the man and not so much about the race because before her birth he would have never agreed to having it done. If more men were to talk to their friends about having it done, then I believe there would be less fear and misconceptions about having it done. It is so much easier for a man to have a vasectomy than for women to have their tubes tied, recovery time is faster also for men. Also reversal is easier on men too.

Sarah - posted on 06/24/2012

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My husband did it TWICE! First time no good and we have another beautiful 3mon old little girl. So he went in again. Hope it's good this time because he said he's no going for a third. lol but yes men are sensitive about it. Since I had to carry our 3 children (now 4) he was all for it. Just go back for the negative to make sure all is good.

Carla - posted on 06/24/2012

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It is sad that he thought he could have an affair because he could not get another woman pregnant. Of coerce ( I do not mean to be offensive) You do not have to worry about some other woman showing up with a baby and claiming it belongs to your husband..That would kill me.

Carla - posted on 06/24/2012

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It is funny that they do not want a doctor to touch their package....only because most boys are circumcised right after they are born and I guess they forget about that.

Merry - posted on 06/23/2012

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Doesn't having your tubes tied increase your risk of an ectopic pregnancy? That's why I've always thought I'd never have it done, I couldn't imagine having a tubal pregnancy.
I'm sure there's other risks as well, for both procedures, but in general I've heard more complications with women's sterilyzations.

Johnny - posted on 06/23/2012

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I mentioned to my husband this morning that if I did have to have a c-section with this pregnancy, I'd probably get my tubes tied in the process, since they were already in there. One of the reasons being that it lowers the risk of ovarian cancer. He said that was fine, but not to bother otherwise. And that regardless, he was getting a vasectomy. Which is just fine with me.

Merry - posted on 06/23/2012

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My husband is white, and he will readily get a vasectomy when we are done having kids. He says he'd never ask me to get my tubes tied. He says that's selfish! I already birthed our children, and for me to get sterilized it's a huge surgery but for him it's a simple procedure.
If a man is done having kids he should be getting a vasectomy no argument.

[deleted account]

After I got pregnant with out 3rd child my husband and I talked a lot about this. Of course he wanted me to get my tubes tied, not because getting a vasectomy would make him less of a man or anything like that, but because the whole thought of surgery in that area didn't exactly appeal to him ;) If I had had a c-section I would have done just that. In the end he agreed to the vasectomy.

Jenni - posted on 06/23/2012

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Most families I know (friends and family) who have made a permanent decision to stop having children, the husband has had a vasectomy. My husband plans on getting one once we have decided our family is complete. For one, it's less invasive than having your tubes tied. I think if I had my last child via cesarean and we were certain that child was the last, only then would I get my tubes tied. I'd figure, they're in there anyways, might as well.

Sherri - posted on 06/22/2012

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Pamela getting your tubes tied doesn't dry up your milk. I had it done when my son wasn't even 24hrs old and I am still exclusively nursing him still and he is now 4mo's old.

Pamela - posted on 06/22/2012

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I convinced my ex to get a vasectomy after my third pregnancy and the babies were so close. It was obvious we were both very fertile. I was breastfeeding with the third child and I knew it would dry up my milk, so he got a vasectomy.



It was good except that it encouraged him to have extra-marital affairs, one which eventually ended our marriage.



I would still vote for vasectomy and should it be necessary again, make sure that my mate was a FAITHFUL soul! LOL!!!



I would not consider getting my tubes tied!

Sherri - posted on 06/22/2012

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My husband said it made him feel "less of a man." I don't know. I ended up with a C-section with my last one so it wasn't an issue. My husband is a farmer and he has done hundreds of castrations on our steers, so I think that had something to do with his squeamishness. And then there was the Dr. who totally justified his fears, telling him he couldn't ride a tractor for about a week and it would be difficult etc. Sheesh! Men are babies!

Rebecca - posted on 06/22/2012

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My brothers and one brother-in-law have all gotten vasectomies, but my husband will not be getting one. The main reason? money. It can cost anywhere from $350- $1000 We don't have any extra money and our insurance will not cover any portion of that surgery. It has nothing to do with selfishness, insensitivity, pride or sensitivity about his "junk". Our copay for a tubal ligation is only $250.

Faye - posted on 06/22/2012

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Well I asked the ex while we were dating and his response was "I am not walking around for two weeks with grapefruits." (His buddy's brother had the surgery done and he did not follow the dr instructions and his swelled up to grapefruits.) I knew right then I would have to be the responsible one. When our son was 5, I had the tubal done. BEST thing I could have done. Almost five years later, he left and the new gal got pregnant within 6 weeks. That child is now almost 7. The new gal was able to convince him to have the surgery about 18 months after he left me and the kids. She could not have any more kids according to her dr. I would like to know what she told him that I had not already. Oh well.

Valerie - posted on 06/22/2012

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My husband got one with his first wife and it was one of biggest mistakes he ever made.

Lakeisha - posted on 06/22/2012

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It doesn't matter the race I know plenty, of,men who just don't want a bounty of kids my husband is getting his after out second child

Janice - posted on 06/22/2012

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My hubby wants to get snipped and I wont let him yet. I want t wait a few more years to be sure we are done having children. We have 2, a girl and a boy both under 3 years old. My hubby know quite a few men who have had it done (all older than him) and they have gone back to work the very next day with no problem.

Donna - posted on 06/22/2012

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If your husband does have a vas, please make sure he goes back for the follow up appts. Guys tend to be SO bad about going to the Dr. I have two friends who ended up pregnant because their hubbies didn't go back for a follow up. One girlfriend was so angry, she almost filed for divorce. (They are ok now LOL)
I totally understand. I asked my husband to take some time to think about, research it and get back to me. (Wanting to give him time to 'think'. ) I also explained that I was asking mostly because my birth control has completetly zapped my libido. He never even got back to me and then just stuttered when I followed up a month later.
My husband now claims it's because "it's not natural" and "it's not the way God made him."
I guess we're going with zapped libido. And yes, he complains about that.
Good luck. Try to keep your patience through all this. :)

Elizabeth - posted on 06/21/2012

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Unfortunately, my husband has heard some horror stories about men being out of action for 2 weeks before after a vasectomy, so now he is rather uncomfortable about having it done. I can understand this, so I'm not pressuring him to rush in and do it, but I would like him to change his mind eventually.

Donna - posted on 06/21/2012

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I think a lot of men are afraid. Personally I preferred to get my tubes tied. I wanted to be in control and know I wouldn't get pregnant again. If I was raped God forbid I wanted to make sure no matter what I was safe. I think a lot of men don't want to neuter their dogs either. They think it will make then less masculine.

Rosemary - posted on 06/21/2012

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My husband had a vasectomy and months later I still got pregnant (and no I didn't have an affair). The Dr. told him that nothing is 100% effective except not being sexually active. I in turn got a tubal after I had my baby. Hopefully this works.

Ruth - posted on 06/21/2012

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Post a reply!They just don't want another guy messing with their junk and some are afraid it will affect their ability to have sex. I know a lot of men who have had vasectomies but no black men.

Suzy - posted on 06/21/2012

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Mine got his done - no questions asked. He spent a day a little uncomfortable nothing compared to the weeks I spent after an episiotomy and hard labour. 2 days afterward he said he didn't even have any pain or discomfort and continued on as usual. And he got pampered the entire 2 days - He functions like it was never done and nothing in the junk department has changed other than we can have a lot more fun with complete confidence - that's the upside they should be thinking about especially since most men would prefer to go condomless.

Lakeisha - posted on 06/21/2012

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Mines is willing he doesn't want n e more my three but his one n one on the way

Denise - posted on 06/21/2012

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Another point on Essure: It's more reliable than a tubal or a vasectomy and takes about ten minutes. It is a non-surgical procedure.

That means that the 'vasectomy is easier' argument doesn't hold in this day and age.

I don't know why anyone would opt for the man getting a vasectomy over the woman getting a tubal simply because it's the safest, most effective method, it's hormone-free, AND you get the bonus of neither party having to undergo any kind of surgical procedure.

I wonder if some people see vasectomy of a way as 'getting back at' the father of their children because they feel it's unfair they had to deal with pregnancy and childbirth. I'm sorry, but if that's how you feel about your partner, that's pretty selfish - wanting to make them get their balls slit open to make things 'even' and all that.

Heather - posted on 06/21/2012

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I had a non-surgical procedure called Essure. I liked it and it meant neither of us had to have surgery. I think the choose not to because they don't have enough information about the alternatives. If they really flat out refuse and the woman doesn't want to, then I think that they have a deeper issues than those that relate to the vasectomy.

Jojuan - posted on 06/21/2012

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Wow, my husband was not hearing any part of having his buddies cut or snipped. He wouldn't even consider getting information on the procedure. We have a blended family and he is the father to 7 of our 8 children. Personally, I figured since did the most populating he should get fixed. Unfortunately, I'm the one that got fixed and he gets to have all the pleasure without enduring any of the pain.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2012

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Ok, I'm not sure what was "funny" about saying that if a woman will not allow someone to dictate how she is to treat her body, then it is only fair for women not to dictate to men. Seriously. If they don't have the right to tell us what to do with our bodies, we also do not have the right to demand that they get procedures just because we don't want to.

The door swings both ways.

Denise - posted on 06/21/2012

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I think the important thing a lot of people are forgetting is that it is entirely up to the individual whether or not they want to undergo any surgical procedure. It is not wrong to not want surgery (even very minor outpatient procedures like a vasectomy) for any reason if it isn't something to save your life. Personal choice is important, and personal responsibility for family planning is important as well. There are a lot of post-vasectomy babies out there, so it isn't an absolute. With very non-invasive options like Essure, I think that women still need to take responsibility for their own fertility and their own bodies - even if the man gets a vasectomy, if you really don't want children you should also opt for tubal ligation or Essure to add an extra level of backup.

Carol - posted on 06/21/2012

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This may sound harsh. But if a man doesn't want kids he should have a vasectomy. It is his responsibility to make sure he doesn't have kids. That said, I also believe if a woman doesn't want children then she should have her tubes tied to make sure she doesn't have kids. Personally its my body and I'm the only one who knows for sure it I want more kids. I wouldn't rely on someone else to make that decision for me. Nor would I trust another person to tell me they had a vasectomy, or if I were male to have a woman tell me she's on the pill or had her tubes tied.

And I am someone who was told at the age of 19 that I couldn't get pregnant. and at the age of 35 I gave birth to my miracle child after yrs of surgeries, fertility treatments etc... I was then told a second pregnancy would be too risky. I've since adopted 2 children. My body, my choice.

Yolanda - posted on 06/21/2012

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Hmmm... First, it isn't just on the "men" to use birth control and any woman that says it is... is really delusional. A woman can get their tubes tied or what not. And BLACK guys really. Do you know how many WHITE guys I've seen cheat on their wives.. In my experience, a woman has to be careful when a MAN says he wants a vasectomy, because he is cheating or contemplating to cheat and just doesn't want to have kids from that. I have seen it too many times, not from myself but friends and acquintances that has told me their stories.
Also, if a man doesn't want to get a vasectomy has to do with some kind of ego thing, like you are less of a man or some thing of the like. You know the whole not having swimmers.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2012

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I guess, I figure that it's my decision whether to have it or not, and since I will not allow another person to dictate to ME, why should I dictate to HIM?

Besides that, mine was done the same day my 2nd was born. Within the hour, actually, so it wasn't a separate procedure

Noelle - posted on 06/21/2012

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This is kind of sad. I myself only have two beautiful children a boy and a girl but those in themselves are miracle babies. I'm told I would have a very hard time getting pregnant but I did and with complications. First one I bled for two weeks and doctors told me to expect to lose my son but i didnt just had to be on alot of bed rest and going into labour! Well I went in on a Tuesday full on labour but they had no rooms so they monitored me and I had to wait. He was born january 4th the 84th baby of the new year and healthy And with my daughter I was experiencing a lot of pain so they did an ultrasound and couldn't find signs of pregnancies so again they wanted to clean me out and move on but my heart of a mother wanted to hold on. So I did and 8 months later my daughter was born. Both babies had to be csection due to the fact that I have a tilted uterus and yes I do. I pushed for 4 hours with my son and 6 with my daughter yes I was determined and I also dont freeze on my left side of my body. So when they went to operate with my daughter I felt the cutting open. And after that to find out they took one of my ovaries due to a cyst covering it completely. But I said all of this to say I would do it over and over again even if there was an accident it's what god made me to do "to be a mother".

Ajsha - posted on 06/21/2012

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My ex husband wanted it. After our second child he had it done. It took less than an hour. Other then 3 days with light lifting and frozen peas he was done. He is a black male. His brother also had it done. It does take 3 months to make sure you are in the clear it worked. He also still worked after. I just think most males of any race are just scared. If the package stops working then they are less of a man.

Tifani - posted on 06/21/2012

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My husband has given til he's 40 to have another child, cause he said he's getting snipped at 40 whether i ask him to or not. And he is black and I know about 4 other black men who've done it as well!

Pearl - posted on 06/21/2012

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I think Caribbean men think that it will affect their libido - making them feel less of a 'man'.

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