a new bf come visit?

Eleanor - posted on 07/29/2011 ( 42 moms have responded )

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I've a 15 yr old daughter which just came back from talent search camp n' she tells me that she has a new friend..a boy friend!! A few days passes and then the bf tells me that my gurl wants her fren to come and visit her!! I had no idea what to say and a million thoughts been going thru my head. I think shes too young to have a friend especially a bf come and visit her from another village... So, is it ok for him to come and meet us and let them spend some puppy luv 2gether? or do I disappoint her and restrict her from that? Talked with my husband and he didn't say much actually he said nothin but with a face that said "uh oh!"

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Roxanne - posted on 07/31/2011

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Karen, I doubt your children are successful solely because they didn't date until 16. Nor did your friends child drop out of high school because she dated at 14 and had a baby at 15. I had a very good friend in high school (straight A) get pregnant at 16. She finished high school. Married her sweetheart and they nowvhave 5 children together. Both extremely successful. My first bf was in 5th grade. As was one of my daughters. I also have a 15 yo who has never dated. There is nosed age that a child is ready. It is our job as parents to guide them as they work their way through life.

Karen - posted on 07/31/2011

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I told my son and daughter both that they could one-on-one date when they were 16, a friend of mine disagreed and said his daughter could date at 14. My kids both have master's degrees now, he is married has a child, she is still single, but my friend's daughter had a baby at 15 and didn't graduate high school. Kids are different, but teaching them to trust their own judgment takes time and some maturity.

JuLeah - posted on 07/29/2011

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15 is not too young to start this process. Get to know him, his parents. Be thrilled she is open with you, asking you, wants you to meet him.

Supervise them of course, but I'd let her stretch her wings a bit

Proud - posted on 08/02/2011

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Madison will not be dating until she is 16.

How long could she have possibly known this boy? Kids are so quick to call someone their "bf/gf" and use the love word.

User - posted on 07/31/2011

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Is he coming just for the afternoon? If so, I would give the okay if they spent their time with family at least for a while. I would say no to him staying overnight.

42 Comments

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Alexandra - posted on 08/23/2011

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i think she is too young for this. she should live life as a 15 year old, not as an adult.

Tiffinie - posted on 08/06/2011

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Do you have close family in your town? Your daughter could stay with them at night during this visit, and your daughter's boyfriend could stay with you. They could hang out during the daytime, and at night go to separate houses to sleep,,, this would make monitoring much easier! It also allows you time to get to know the young man! You will have to make arrangements with his parents. I have a 14 year old boy and I would never allow him to go spend the night out of town with another family with a teenaged girl! We would go with him and stay in a neighboring hotel or he would not go!

Sherri - posted on 08/03/2011

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Good, caring moms have to disappoint more often than we like. But if he is coming and leaving in a few hours, I don't see a big problem. I think the visit should include the entire family. But, hopefully 15 year olds don't think they can spend the night in the same house. If so, you should speak to his parents and see what type of ground rules they are setting in their family. Then sit your daughter down and explain to her what your ground rules are.

Nichole - posted on 08/01/2011

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I would let him come over and plan some fun supervised activities to do. It's better to have them visit with supervision :) Sit down and have a talk with her. Let her know that as long as she follows certain rules they can hang out together. If you crack down to hard she may try to sneak him in behind your back. Encourage openness and make sure she knows that you don't want to stand in her way but you have to make sure she is safe and learns to make responsible decisions.
The first boyfriend is rough I'm sure and the first response is always panic LOL Stay calm and you can get through it. The first one is just usually puppy luv and hopefully you won't have too much to worry about. Make sure she know about the birds and the bees, what it means, and how to be responsible.
Good luck :)

Jennifer - posted on 08/01/2011

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so much depends on what is the norm in your culture. I say yes to letting him visit. Any friendship is a good thing in this world that can be so unpleasant sometimes. Make sure she understands the rules before he comes, though. Like where he will sleep, if they are allowed to go out in the evening, curfews, if they can visit in her bedroom with the door open...You don't want to be arguing about these issues with him there.

[deleted account]

I have a no dating one on one policy until 16. It's firm now, but my girls ARE only 9. ;)

There is absolutely no way there would be any overnighters at any age though. I do realize that temptation exists elsewhere as well, but it's not my job to make it easy.

Janelle - posted on 08/01/2011

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i was 16 when i met my husband. we went to school together. i always had male friends though. maybe they are just friends, maybe something more, but let them figure it out.

Quonza - posted on 08/01/2011

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Respect is the key here. Before the guy comes over let her know the boundrys. No closed doors or trying to be alone and out of site from you guys. They do not need alone time because you do not know him and I feel she is to young for being alone with a guy. Set up a very nice dinner with the family so everyone can get to know each other and rent some movies. Be open with your daughter so you guys can always have that bond a mother and daughter really need....good luck and let us know how it goes.

Karen - posted on 08/01/2011

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Chauffeur the event but let them be together. You could be there to monitor the interaction. Keep them both safe or even suggest to have his parent come too in order for you both to get to know each other for the 2 younger ones to get along and have trust in the relationship that could end up going either way.

Kasie - posted on 08/01/2011

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Ultimately, that's up to you. If it were me though, I'd let them spend time together but I'd watch them. Don't get too crazy where you're with them all the time or anything but i'd definitely keep bedroom doors open and such seeing as at that age it's usually leads to more than puppy love. I'm not saying all kids are like that but it's not something you should ignore. Do you have any rules about boyfriends set? If you don't and you're concerned it might be a good idea to make some just make sure you aren't over doing anything because you're scared of something goin on between them, kids need their time and they need to feel respected and trusted, like they can do things on their own.

Tamara - posted on 07/31/2011

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My questions are: How old is your daughter? Have you and your husband decided when she should date?




you both, but specifically your husband sat down with her
and told her how precious that she is and how much you
both love her and want to protect her heart, so that she will be ready for the right young man some day. Young girls
need to hear this, especially from their Dad. When she knows this, it will help her to know how special she is and that she is a young woman who deserves respect. Then let her know that when she is mature enough and a young man is the right one, often parents can tell when he is open with parents. However, it's never wise to awaken love before it's time in a young heart.
I suggest an awesome movie that is comming out I think the end of Sept./11. It's called "Courageous"! It's about Dad's specifically, but mom's too and how to help and guide our children to be the people that they should be respect and honor! Be Courageous!

Tammy - posted on 07/31/2011

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let him come visit..but whatever it is yor worried about.. prevent... you can.. u da mama....be the mama.. make her and YOUR dreams come true.. :)

Keri - posted on 07/31/2011

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If the boy is coming to stay at your house, you will be there to watch over them. If not, you need to lay the ground rules before he comes - if you actually allow him to come. It's ultimately your decision.

Hazel - posted on 07/31/2011

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These days kids are physically mature way before their intellect and emotional maturity catches up. It's a touchy situation, but I'd rather let the BF visirt (tell him to bring his own sleeping bag) and at least you can see first hand how they interact and whether his intentions are honourable.

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2011

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I'd want to meet his parents first and get to know him. I remember when I was 14, and I came back from a week away at camp and met my first boyfriend who also didn't live in the same town. My parents met him, got to know him and then let him stay. Of course we slept in seperate bedrooms. I just know if you keep her away from him, she might rebel.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/31/2011

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Eleanor, have you had the sex talk yet? If not, this is prime time BEFORE he comes out.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/31/2011

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Mary Louise, that is EXTREMELY unrealistic, and you are setting up for lots of sneaking out and lying.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/31/2011

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I don't have time to read all the posts, but I have read a few. She is certainly of age to have a boyfriend, and I think it is awesome that she even came to you to talk about it. I would definitely talk with his parents and make sure everyone is on the same page. As far as giving them space, but keeping and eye on them, they can do things like the movies, or bring them to areas around town that you know very well. Have activities planned for them. Sit down with you daughter, and ask her to make a scheduale with you for things she would like to do with him.

If you restrict this now, she is going to think twice about telling you things in the future.

Mary Louise - posted on 07/31/2011

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Tell her she has times for boys after she finish school. After she finish school then she can have BF.

Brittany - posted on 07/31/2011

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I was 13 when I started going out with boys. At that age though, bfs were lucky to last a week before I changed my mind and liked someone else. Lol. And love was never a word I used, as it wasnt.
I was 16 when I actually fell in love and had my first real relationship, which lasted a bit over 2 years.
I think listen to your gut instinct. Teach your child about contraception and if she isn't already on it, put her on the pill.
you can't stop them from having sex, but you can educate her to stop underage or unwanted pregnancies!

Stefanie - posted on 07/31/2011

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At this age they start getting independent, so it's better that they do this in front of you than behind your back. Good luck! :)

Joanne - posted on 07/31/2011

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my bf used to stay when i was 15 as he lived 100 miles away, strictly separate rooms, we've now been together almost 21 years

Leigha - posted on 07/31/2011

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It will be a whole new world for you your family, this world of boys!! It's a beautiful and bittersweet thing to watch a daughter move towards adulthood. A little scary too but not something she should be discouraged from. It sounds like you all communicate very well so you will be fine! Have fun! :)

Eleanor - posted on 07/31/2011

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WOW! Thank you all for the great advices :D Mu husband and I did talk and decided he can come down and visit also talked with my daughter about rules and limits in the house. Thank you Kristy..yes he will need to spend time with us too and get to know him better :)

I am actually excited for her!!! :)

Betsy - posted on 07/30/2011

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In my opinion, I would invite her new bf to come visit so that you could meet him. Otherwise you may cause her to rebel and do something dangerous. Stay calm and cool! Invite him for dinner. You can find out what kind of person he is by his behavior during the meal. He will be visiting you as a family and not just her alone. Be friendly and not confrontational with him.

J - posted on 07/30/2011

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When I was young my family was very strict. I wish I had more opportunity for the "dating" scene so I am more equipped to deal with it later. Personally I think you should not prevent her seeing her friends. What's important is that she can talk to you about anything growing up.

On a more practical side, I wonder if you really can control her since she's a teen now. You know, when there is a will, there is a way. The way she choose may be worse than this alternative.

Kirsty - posted on 07/30/2011

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Forgot to add that you should set parimeters from the start as to what is ok for instance spending time alone as long as doors are open and she must spend some time with the family and her boyfriend so you can get to know him well and him to know what you expect from him.

Kirsty - posted on 07/30/2011

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At age 15 I think it is fine to let the boyfriend come, it shows trust on your behalf and if you supervise the stay correctly and talk openly to your daughter explaining how disappointed you would be if she did anything silly regarding sex she will feel as if she can openly talk to you when she has questions and not go on the words of her friends.My daughter met her husband at the age of 15 and they married at the age of 25, she always openly asked questions and asked for advice when she thought about starting sexual activity which I then talked to both of them about and she says that she will do exactly the same to her children when she has them. A mother daughter relationship can be enhanced if you are honest and open about all aspects of life and I for one have never had any problems with my children regarding sexual problems or unwanted pregnancies.

Leigha - posted on 07/30/2011

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Great advice from all the moms, and I concur. My daughter is 15 and I would allow it. With supervision and lots of communication! As a family we do not have hard and fast rules about dating. We take each of our children and each situation on an individual basis. We believe our children do much better with guidance and communication. What better way to navigate this than under your supervision? I say give it a chance.. observe, discuss and be involved in the process. Adjust as necessary. As far as how much privacy to give them; at this point NOT A LOT! He (they) need to build your trust and I agree that if left alone, lust can overshadow true feeling pretty quickly and easily. Having said that, chemistry happens anywhere. Don't make it easy but don't pretend like it won't happen regardless of where they are. That is a false sense of security. Common sense, communication and guidance at this point is your best approach, in my opinion. Let them get to know each other while you are getting to know him.

Sam - posted on 07/29/2011

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I would rather the boy stay at my house than her want to stay at his house. Set up the ground rules before he comes over and then since he is at your house you can get to know him and form your own opinion of him.

[deleted account]

I feel for you as I have a 16 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. It is the hardest age to be a parent when making guidelines that can be different or accepted by the teens peers. First, it is always a good idea to know who your children are spending time with. I require honest and open communication with our teens. We also use the give you some room to do things but if certain lines are crossed priviledges are suspended for a time or completely revoked till child has matured some. That being said - if the boy is not from the same village will travel make it over night? Since he resides elsewhere what reputation does he have elsewhere? It might be best if his family meets your family at a social outing. The public outing takes pressure off incase she changes her mind and it allows you all to see how his family interacts. Plus even meeting in a home under severe supervision could lead to quick chemistry leading to sex at an early age thus opening a can of worms you can not put back in can. You did not mention how old the boy is, is he her age, younger/older? Are you ready to step up your guard with eyes and ears because you are the adult and you will need to be the one to set limits and make sure there is follow through. Just remember once to allow something it can lead to much more levels of intimacy that who knows if she is even ready for? Open communication is your best tool but even then trust can be broken easily when it comes to hormone over ride. Ask her what she thinks of him, what attracts him to her so you can help navigate her safety. My main concern is he a prowling tom cat???

Eleanor - posted on 07/29/2011

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but had a ? on ..how do I keep an eye on her and him but giving her a lil space? stuck on that...

Eleanor - posted on 07/29/2011

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Good and useful advice :D Thank you! I do want to meet him and for all of us to get to know him. I am very thankful too that my daughter comes to me when its like serious stuff but for lil things like hows school? shed jus give me nudge.

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