A rant and need words of encouragement

Sarah - posted on 04/05/2017 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hi Everyone,
I am going through one of the hardest things I have ever gone through...divorce from by husband. In many of my previous posts from the past, my husband has been in and out of rehab for drugs....not taking his bipolar medications...self medicating...alcoholism. The list could go on. We have a two year old daughter. January 2016 we separated...because he decided to go back on pot...we separated for 3 months. If things weren't going to change I was going to divorce him. He changed his life around...got his CDL Licenses...quite everything. Became the husband and father that Sophia and I deserved. I kept my guard up, but things were feeling right and got back on track. We made plans for the future...we wanted to start over. I finally left like I had the family that I have been craving all along. As soon as I put my guard down...things change.

We spent the Christmas holiday together. Adrian is a cross country truck driver, so he is home like every month and a half. He got 5 days off for Christmas...we were ecstatic. The Christmas holiday was beautiful...just perfect. The day after Christmas not so much.

Even thought things were getting better with us I still lived with my mom, and Adrian had his own apartment. Our dog bit someone at the apartment so I was kind of stuck at my moms, but we were going to move this year. December 26 Adrian was supposed to come to my moms and help me convert Sophia's bed. He didn't call that day so I called him..he said "he was really tired didn't sleep well the night before and to call him later in the day." I was fine with. Several hrs pass and I call him, he tells me we need to talk and to come over.

I honestly thought it was going to be something stupid...boy was I wrong. I packed some bags and left. When I got there, the apartment was dark except for the outside street lights shining in. I found Adrian sitting on the floor just starring out the window. He didn't respond to me when I spoke to him. I was freaked out, because I got flashbacks of the past when he went off his rocker before. He finally responded to me. He said he had 3 scenarios he needed to ask me...the first one was did I ever burn papers of his in a fireplace...I said no. We don't have a fireplace. He said I was sitting at my moms house in front of her fire place ripping one of those 365 calendars page by page and staring at him as I did it. I told him several times that it didn't happen but he was so adamant that it did...he became angry. The second scenario was I was in my bedroom at my moms house he comes in my room in kneeling on the side of my bed playing on my computer. He wanted to know what I was looking at...I said him that never happened because I didn't have a computer 2 years ago. The last scenario was we were driving down the road in my silver car we come to the stop sign...my mom was walking our dog..she turns around growls at us and turns into the devil. That certainly didn't happen. That night I was so scared of him..he grilled me on money...his scenarios...he thought I was lying to him...he said that he was going to disappear and we would never see him again. He said that he was going to call me the next day, and he wanted to give our daughter a proper goodbye,..I could wait down in the parking lot while he took her upstairs to the apartment. I said yes just to appease him, but it wasn't going to happen. He then said to me "you two better leave I don't want to hurt you." I bolted with my daughter. I pulled over and called my mother in law and begged her to come to Pittsburgh to help me with him. She never came. Adrian landed in the VA psych ward two days later. He signed himself in.

Two days later I receive a phone call from the psych ward social worker, she said Adrian is not in touch with reality. He believed his hallucinations. She wanted to know my side of the story. They were looking at him being schizophrenia. Which scares me. She also informed me that Adrian hasn't been on his bipolar medications since April of 2015. Adrian signed an AMA to be released from the hospital around the 2nd of January. I don't know if he was even properly tested to see if he is schiczo.

He didn't call me for 2 days after he was out. He called Pittsburgh escort services...I saw on my phone bill. And other weird numbers. I know he is not self medicating. He hasn't taken his prescribed medications from the doctors for his bipolar disorder. He threw up on the carpet of the apartment and left it there. I find ground up medication on spoons..plastic pens taken apart..pen caps everywhere. He bought a video baby monitor and spliced the wiring on the one end. He had a monopoly game on the floor and the houses and such that come with the game arranged on the foot rest in the living room. Really weird stuff. It makes me feel uneasy.

He once blew us off when we were supposed to meet him at the mall he wanted to see Sophia before he hit the road. We were talking on the phone he would go from being nice to then being a total asshole, he said to me "you know Sarah I was in the military and I know how to kill." All the hairs on my body stood up. We meet in public when he is home, if he wanted to see Sophia.

He got into porn really badly. It's just an ugly situation.

I am seeing a therapist. She has helped me a lot. He makes me feel guilty, like I caused our breakup...because I was the one that told him I wanted a divorce. I am afraid of him completely snapping and hurting us. I don't trust him to be alone with him completely. Besides everything that has happened...it makes me said that things are over between us. Crazy right? If you were to ask me if 6 years ago that we would be a divorce statistic...I would say hell no. I never thought in a million years we would be here at this point.

I think what hurts the worst is letting go of the "fairy-tale," fantasy I had. You know...the white picket fence...having more babies...family dinners...vacations...growing old together. After everything I am having a hard time letting that go...I think part of me will always love him. I am having a hard time letting him go in a way. I think slowly he will disappear...I think he will come around every so often. But I don't foresee him sticking around forever.

I chose to leave because he scared me. I chose to leave because I knew it wasn't going to get better and that he wasn't going to ever quit drugs. I chose to leave because I don't want my daughter growing up in a house hold with drugs...that isn't a life for her. She deserves better. I chose to leave because no matter what we will always be second to Adrian's addictions.

Someone once said "one of the hardest types of pain is mourning someone that is alive."
Isn't that the got damn truth. I am trying to move on...find me again. I was so consumed with being Adrian's wife and helping him...and being Sophia's mom that I lost. I feel so lost as a person, like who am I ? Besides a mom. But who am I? What makes me...me? If you were to say if you didn't have Sophia...Who are you? I could literally look you in the eye and sis "I don't know." I feel like I lost what makes me unique...my own personal make up...my interests..just everything. I feel personally blank. I am trying to find me. I am lost and consumed.

Thank You for letting me rant..and sorry for the super loooooong post...and probably many typos and errors. Mama's tired tonight.

5 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 04/06/2017

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Thank you! I believe I am making the right decision, even thought it hurts I know it's for the best. I have photos, some documentation and I kept records of conversations. His last episode the day after Christmas came out of no where. So far Adrian has agreed to supervised visitations, because he said to me through text (I kept) that he "would be slaughtered by the judge." So I will be getting legal and physical custody of our daughter.

I am honestly just ready for everything to be over with so I can move on. I am heart broken, but I am doing what is best.

Sarah - posted on 04/06/2017

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Wow thank you! Your words are so kind and I highly appreciate it. I have thought about starting a journal, but I haven't actually done it yet. Beyond Adrian's mental illness, there are still parts of the "old" Adrian I see from time to time. It's his mental illness that scares me the most, I felt like I had no choice but to leave him. We have been through so much as a couple that I don't think he ever expected me to leave him. I warned him that if he went back to anything that I was done. There is so much in our relationship that happened that I would probably have you thinking "why the hell, didn't you leave him earlier." I wanted to honor my vows...for better or for worse. I felt as his wife I needed to help him, because he has a mental illness that I would be considered an "asshole," if I left him for something he had no control over. But in the end he was the one that didn't take his vows seriously...he didn't put his family first before his addictions...he chose his addictions even over himself. Every promise he promised time and time again were broken. It was starting to become way too much for me to handle. I was being consumed by him. After his last episode after Christmas I was really scared. Hypothetically speaking if we got back together, things that he said and did that night would always play in the back of my mind. Is he capable of physically hurting us? If you asked me that question 6 months ago...I would say never. The person I was dealing with after Christmas, I can't say that he wouldn't when he isnt in the right frame of mind. It gives me chills going back into the apartment to check on things.

The part that saddens me the most is that I am still in love with him. I love him, but I know for mine and my daughters safety that we can't be together. He is self medicating and doing whatever else he wants to do. That isn't fair to Sophia at all, I don't want her growing up in a household with drugs. It's not a lifestyle that I am accustom to, I sure as hell wont make her accustom to it. Adrian thinks there is nothing wrong with him, he thinks he outgrew his mental illness, that is the reason why he isnt taking his medications.

On a more personal level, I hate the idea of him being with another woman. It saddens me so much. I feel like I did everything I possibly could to help him but it was not good enough. Maybe the next time around for him he will be completely honest with her...tell her that he is an addict...tell her that he tried committing suicide in the past...tell her that he self medicates. Maybe his mom won't keep that a secret either and just be honest. I married him under falst pretenses. I didn't know he was an addict to pills, he played it very well. I thought I knew him. The fact is...I am not sure if I never knew the "real" Adrian.

I think I am still learning who that person is. The person I married and fell in love with no longer exists.

Dove - posted on 04/05/2017

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Leaving that relationship was the best thing you could do for you and your daughter. Make sure you have all the evidence of his psychiatric issues documented and file for full custody w/ him only having supervised visitations.

Hang in there!!

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