a rebelious 17yr daughter making it my fault

Irene - posted on 12/16/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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her father deceased before she could even know who he was.. me her mother hit a down fall in life when she was 5. she went to live with her grandmother on fathers side so I could get myself better.. I got better but yrs later (6).. she came home to live with me but got so used to everything being handed to her that she had to learn how to earn things.. given as she got to be a teenager she asked to hang out with friends, I allowed.. got in with wrong friends started doing drugs. hates my husband cause she thinks we kicked her out.. we did not kick her out thought it would be a good idea for her to stay at her grandmothers again.. then her grandmother decided to get gaurdenship and take her from me and now im not there to protect her and she damn near died last night and is thinking of maybe doing it again and I don't know how to help her when she is so mad at me for things that I didn't do.. her fathers side of the family all degrade me. they all have their thoughts and no one will listen to me not even my daughter now and I don't know what to do to help her.

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Irene - posted on 12/16/2013

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yeah we tried the psychcologist but she went twice and then didn't want to go anymore.. I wasn't constantly gone I got to see her when I could when it was convient for her grandmother to let me I didn't get to talk to her much because of this.. I thought I was doing right and all I got was grief.. so I failed as a parent to her I guess.. thanks so much for all the help.. just glad I can always be there for my other 2 younger children

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She probably needs professional counselling. I would recommend a psychologist (NOT a psychiatrist!!!!).

The life you described for her would make any child rebel. Because you failed to be a constant in her life, and no one else had that opportunity, she has very likely developed ODD--a condition in which it is difficult for a person to develop close bonds or caring relationships with other people because the people they attached to early on failed to remain constant. I am not saying it is your fault, exactly. I believe you when you say it was better for her to go to her grandparents at 6 years, but you must realize the transition would have caused trauma that will last throughout her life and must be dealt with now. The trauma, I'm sure, is less than what it would have been had she stayed with you, but it is still there, and it is causing this behavior.

You need to hire a mental health professional to see both of you together, and to see her on her own.

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