A scared step mommy

Ariana Jicele - posted on 04/10/2016 ( 1 mom has responded )




Hi I'm Ariana,
I'm a young step mommy. 6 months ago I walked into a broken family. I received a lot more than I probably bargained for. I met the love of my life on a social media site. Well technically I met him once before in person at a baby shower, but it was short and brief. After a month of talking and hanging out, I finally said yes. The only reason I kept pushing us being in a relationship- off, was because of his son. This wasn't only my life I would have responsibility for anymore. Being with him meant that his son was now my son and this was another life I'd be responsible for. I mean college was right around the corner. It was a lot to take in. But I've always wanted to be a mommy and I have such a strong passion for children. Anyways the biological mother has never really been in the picture. She doesn't have custody of the baby. She sees him when she feels like it, which is rare. She just doesn't care about her child, but she makes it out to be that she's the best mother all over social media. There's court orders against her about the baby that she breaks all the time. She's expecting again too. I'm with the baby and my boyfriend pretty much every day. I have been for about 6 months now. When I'm not working or have classes, I'm right there with my beautiful boys. I get up in the morning with the baby, i rock/lay the baby to sleep, I feed him, I bathe him, I buy his necessities (formula, diapers, clothes, etc.), I play with him, I'm there for him at all times. He calls me mama, which in the beginning I was iffy about, but hey wtf Im more of a mommy than the real one. I've been in the baby's life since he was about 3-4 months. He's now 9 months. I guess what I'm afraid of is that, I'm so in love with this beautiful baby boy, I mean I really believe he's my son.. But what I'm afraid of is if bio mom finally gets herself together and goes to court to get him back. He's mine! I'd die in the place of that baby boy. I just don't want to lose my son (step son) but my son in my heart. Is there anyone out there in my similar situation?!


Raye - posted on 04/11/2016




Ariana, It sounds like you're doing so much for that child, and he's lucky to have you in his life. However, I want to point out a couple things...

1) Legally, until you're married to the father, you are NOT a step-mom. You are the father's girlfriend. Even if you were (or when you become) the step-mom, you would have no legal say in whether or not the mother has involvement in her child's life (unless the mother gave up her rights and allowed you to adopt him). Your involvement with the child is only by extension of the father. You might die for him, but he's NOT yours. He's not property to own... he's a living being that doesn't need people that are supposed to be grown ass adults squabbling over him. He needs all parental figures to get along as best they can so he can grow to be as well-adjusted as possible. If you can't handle being mature and letting the mother have access to her own child, then maybe it's not the right relationship for you.

2) The father and mother should be following the court orders and trying to effectively co-parent together. They are the natural parents, and unless a judge rules otherwise, the natural parents are the ones ultimately responsible for that child. I'm a step-mom who knows what it's like to feel that I do so much more than their real mom does. But the mother is still the mother and the CHILD deserves to know her. All parental figures (natural and step) really should have the CHILD's best interests at heart. You may want to protect them from getting hurt by a less than wonderful natural parent, but that's not your call to make. The child will get to make their own determination of the character of their parent as they grow and learn more about life and human nature.

3) The mother could always go to court to ask for more rights. Whether or not she gets them would be based on what the judge finds in the best interest of the CHILD, not the interests of the parents. If there's evidence that the mother hasn't been holding up her end of the orders that are currently in place, then it's likely she would not be granted more. But if she does actually get her shit together, then the court could possibly change the arrangements.

4) It sounds like you and the father rushed into your relationship. 6 months isn't long enough for you both to know whether it's going to be a lasting relationship. If you haven't built a strong foundation, and the relationship doesn't last, then you would both have hurt this little boy even more by him getting attached to you too soon. You shouldn't have even been introduced to the child until around the 6 month mark, after talking to your boyfriend at length and getting on the same page about how the child is to be raised. It's his child, so a lot of the decision making falls to him. You are there to back him up. You should hopefully agree on the path to follow for this child, or at least respect each others opinions when you disagree and have a discussion about how to move forward. Compromise would be good, but ultimately with HIS child, it's HIS final decision that matters.

I'm not trying to scare you or be mean, but step-parenting is HARD! The most difficult thing I've ever done. You give your heart to kids(s) that aren't yours, and have nearly no decision-making power. It is scary at times. But it's also worth it to help make the child's life better and give them someone they can count on. You just have to keep in mind that the child's needs come first. And children usually benefit by having a relationship with BOTH natural parents. It's not a competition of whose better for them. The best thing would be to work together.

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