Absent, abusive father returns demanding overnight visitation

[deleted account] ( 7 moms have responded )

I am going to try and condense this story as much as possible with some bullet points regarding the back story

- I was living abroad & in the process of gaining residency with my partner when I found out I was pregnant

- I was excited about the pregnancy

- his reaction was immediate rage, he denied the paternity (although physically impossible for it to have been another man's since we were together all day, every day starting a company together)

- He became violent, was starting fights, threatened myself, my friends. He left for 5 days, turning off his cellphone. He would return and not speak to me or look at me for days at a time. When he did speak it would be screaming at me or telling me to find another man to be the father.

- He told me that he could not emotionally support me throughout my pregnancy or emotionally support a child. He also stated that he was a danger to us both and that it was better I leave to keep myself and the baby safe. He then stated he would disappear and never be found again.

This abuse continued until I eventually told him I no longer felt safe in our home. I said I wanted to leave. He agreed that was best, then shifted to calling me a slut, saying that I just wanted to leave so I could "fuck other men." Then apologized, then immediately threatened to disappear and said I should tell our child he is dead. Mind you... this change in attitude is all in a few minutes time. He would scream at me if I became upset telling me to "not blame him if I killed the baby inside of me from crying too hard." I could go on and on.

Fast forward... I received MANY MANY emails, some 14 pages long. Manifestos of how this was all actually my fault for attracting violent men into my life due to "unresolved issues with my father and past relationships." (Not true, my father and I have a great relationship. But I did have one very dramatic relationship previous to this one) Eventually he asked me to tell the child he was dead, said he could be forced by a judge to make payments of child support but no one could force him to have an emotional relationship with his child. He stated, "I buried you and the baby." All documented in email.

Now he has begun to contact my family members, my mother has responded quite a few times even after being asked to discontinue contact. We met as a family with a counselor and she has agree to stop. However, he is continuing to try and contact me through an old email. He says that in a few months he will be coming into the country to see the child. He has also recently admitted in writing that he believes he is a narcissist with codependency issues and could "easily become a sociopath or a psychopath so I understand why you are protecting yourself from me." Then literal weeks later is asking to become a full time father of our child and "keep her every night overnight."

I do not know what to do. I feel very conflicted. I am very afraid of this man and certainly do not feel good about handing my infant over to him regardless of him being the father. I have consulted several lawyers, abuse advocates, abuse counselors, I am seeing a therapist weekly, I have read everything on narcissism I can find... I keep cycling back and forth. Wanting to set up some type of supervised visitation so that I can tell my child I truly did everything I could to encourage SOME kind of relationship between the two of them. I have tried to work with him in the past, outside of the court system and within. Both times he became impatient, angry and immediately threatened to take me to court and sue me for custody.

I would just like some feedback in regard to other mothers' experiences in the court system. I do not know if it is best to avoid him all together, have no contact (I know this is better for me emotionally) OR if I should try some sort of mediation. He has agreed to sign a legal contract in the past, allowing me to set limitations for visitation. I am mostly sad that his family does not get to see the child. They were very sweet and supportive of me. BUT, they told me I should leave him, asked him to leave me alone and his parents discontinued contact with me immediately upon my leaving him.

Why is it that I keep feeling like the monster in this situation? I am in a state of fear. I have moments of clarity, where I feel I know the best direction and am enjoying my time with our child. However, there are times where I just get this overwhelming sense of despair and worry, wanting to provide what is best for my child but also keep them safe.

Just want some feedback here and maybe some experience from women that have gone through the court system with a volatile ex.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Sarah - posted on 08/06/2017

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Unless he is proven to be unfit to parent; a judge is likely to grant him supervised visitation. You need to have a lawyer help you mediate the agreement and protect her from being taken out of the country (you hold her passport). If you refuse to attend a court hearing you could be stripped of your rights and be forced to turn her over to him- that would be way worse for both of you! Get a lawyer and file for child support and supervised, limited visitation and family counseling. Then over time, as he builds a relationship and trust with the both of you, the order can get modified.

Michelle - posted on 08/05/2017

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If you refuse to let him see the child or dictate the terms of him seeing his child, then if he does decide to take you to court he could say it was parental alienation and that would go against you.
You said you have been to lawyers, what did they advise you?
It was probably to go to court and set visitation, custody and child support. That's the best for everyone involved.

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Sage - posted on 08/08/2017

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Legally my dad is in charge of all visitations with my daughter's biological father thankfully the person that my daughter calls dad is a very good dad to her and her brother he is my son's biological father but treats my daughter as if she were his biological daughter and he hates my daughter's dad thank God my daughter's biological dad is in prison right now I honestly hope that he stays there for a very long time because he is scary and dangerous and manipulative and I don't want my daughter to look at men with those negative qualities and think that it's normal. I hope that whatever you decide it works out for you and your daughter in the best way possible this is just my opinion the man that you're describing sounds dangerous and unpredictable I would try to record or save any of these things that he says to you that way if he does try to take custody which I doubt he will you can show proof of the type of man that he is

Sage - posted on 08/08/2017

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He is dangerous. If your daughter came to you as an adult with this same scenario... What would you tell her to do? I do not know you or the man you speak of but i know his type. My daughters biological dad is a psycho. This man that you are talking about will not ever change he is dangerous I would be more worried about protecting your daughter then giving this man the time of day with her he should have thought about the consequences when he acted the way that he did and treated you the way that he did it's only a matter of time before he treats your daughter the same way if he is in her life. or until he decides that he doesn't want to be a part of her life anymore again and all that will do is hurt and confuse your daughter. I'm sorry that you are going through this I hope that you and your daughter stay safe. If you do decide to let this man into her life I would definitely talk to a lawyer or a family member and look into what you need to do to protect yourself in her from him in case it goes wrong.

[deleted account]

Also, I have not refused to attend any court procedures. He only threatened to take me to court. Shortly following that he had a consult with a lawyer.

The lawyer said he could not serve me papers to get a paternity test court ordered unless he had an address at which I could be served. They told him his only option was to pay $2,000.00 for a P.I. to try and locate my address. He said he did not want to spend that kind of money. That is the last I heard regarding legal/court procedures.

[deleted account]

The whole thing is so scary, just reading your reply gives me this awful feeling in my stomach. Ugh.

The other complication is this; I am currently in the process of relocating out of the state to attend school. The program is less than a year in length, so... I am not really sure what state would be best to file in. I am also concerned about him having knowledge of my location/knowing where I live. I would REALLY prefer he not. When I was pregnant and very ill with morning sickness he had to go into the city for an appointment one night, so he stayed with his parents. Later I found that he had driven 40 minutes back to our house, climbed the fence and checked to see if I was there with another man! Of course, I was lying in bed trying not to throw up. But it gives you an idea of the crazy stories he makes up and then acts on them.

Thank you for your replies. I want to do this the right way and keep both of us protected, but I also do not want to put my life completely on hold regarding my goals and trying to be sure I can provide for my child on my own if I need to.

[deleted account]

I did try to work out a visitation schedule with family outside of court under the guise that he would be supervised by a selected family member. But, when I offered this he outright refused to cooperate. He stated he wanted to be alone with me and did not understand why a third party was necessary. That is when he said he would be taking me to court.

I also went to court to file for supervised visitation, but since the father has no address in the US I cannot even file paperwork for custody, visitation or child support. All 3 of the lawyers I contacted suggested no contact after he threatened to take me to court and stated that he was a "flight risk."

He does not live here and only comes in and out of the country on visas when they are available. He is also unemployed currently and most of the communication between us has been documented. Including messages where he says I was right to leave because it was the best way to keep the baby and myself safe. As well as MANY messages where he admits threatening me, being aggressive and being unstable. In his last email he states that he could easily become a sociopath or a psychopath, so he understands why I would protect myself from him.

So, I am conflicted. I feel that if I willingly walk into a court room I will also be putting myself and my daughter into a potentially dangerous situation, a courtroom war that could destroy me financially and of course there is the fear that his aggression and abuse would spill over into his care for the child.

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