Absent father for 4.5 years, now attempting contact??

Yarnna - posted on 02/06/2014 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Hi,

Mines a long story i need help with please?

So i got pregnant with my daughter in december 08, due august 09. I last saw her father at my 5 months scan in april 09. I had found out in the march that he was 'trying' to get with other women from his work. he missed scans and said that work would not allow him the time off, shortly after i found out that he never told anyone he was expecting a child. He told everyone he worked with that he had a 'pregnant flatmate'. I was of no importance to him. I kicked him out but continued to let him be involved which is why he attended the 5 month scan. But that was the last day i saw and spoke to him. I messaged him on his birthday in may 09 saying happy birthday p***k (because he had abandonned us), he said 'thanks'. that was it. I left it there and got on with my pregnancy and preparation for life as a single mother. I was induced with my daughter a week late, once i knew my induction date, i contacted my exs father and told him that regardless of what has happened, if my babys dad wanted to come to the birth then he was welcome to come. His father passed on the message and he told me that my daughters fathers response was 'iv got a job interview'

I had my daughter, a dramatic labour. She was taken straight to neonatal and was there a week. Once we were all home and settled i did message her father on facebook, also messaged the girl he was with at the time.. He insisted on blocking me constantly. I tried numerous times to make contact with no joy. by 2010 i gave up and got on with our lives and we have been happy by ourselves.

Her father has been seen by members of my family and every time has literally ran off up the street etc.
I got the CSA involved when she was 2yrs old because he told friends of mine that she was not his daughter and im a lying this that and the other. So in anger, i contacted the CSA.
He told the CSA that he was not her father also and they granted him a DNA test. He did not show up for his appointment. They granted him a second chance to have his DNA test. He did not show up. They assumed parentage and told him he to pay for her. 3yrs later... i have never received a penny. He owes £4,800 in total.

In November of 2013, he accepted my friends request on facebook. A request that i had sent to him 8 months BEFORE he accepted it. He didnt message me so i messaged him to see what he wanted, he said he wanted to start seeing my child.
I thought about it, i eventually said ok. I took her to meet him. she was shy and didnt want to talk or look at him. but eventually she was fine and had a good time. I took her again the following weekend. Always at my expense. My travel expense, my expense paying entry into fun places and buying her dinner and drinks. each visit cost me around £30. so when i asked if he could see her at our home, because i also have things i need to do on saturdays at home and cant bring her every weekend and also pay £30 every saturday, he said his girlfriend would not allow him to come to my house. I was also not allowed to have a phone number for him.

After the 3rd time i took her to see him, 3 days later i received a letter from mediation. he had basically tried to get me to go to mediation for no apparent reason because he was already being allowed access every saturday.

I know the only reason he has done it is because his girlfriend does not want him to be alone with me and my child. And because i told him that his girlfriend was not allowed to come with him when he met us, because i felt that my daughter needed to get to know her father for a good while before being introduced to more people that she does not know, and really, who is she anyway? shes no-one to me or my daughter so realy there is no need for my daughter to meet this woman? right?

Basically whats happening now is that iv stopped taking her to meet him. just because i wont allow him to see her alone or take her out without me being present and because i wont let him bring his girlfriend with him, he decided to seek legal advice. I thought this was an utter JOKE! considering he has denied she is his, never paid a penny, never been involved.

his reason for not being involved for 4 years is because i apparently would not allow him to be involved ?? which is not true whatsoever. He says he has been apparently desperate to be in her life since day one, for someone so desperate to see their child, why deny she is yours? why not pay for her? why not message me on facebook because he has always been able to contact me via facebook but never has. Also as i said, i sent him a friends request in feb 2013 because i wanted to discuss CSA, it tokk him 8 months to accept my request. If you were so desperate to see your daughter, you would have jumped at that friends request instantly. not 8 months later.

Also, the time he finally got in touch in november 2013, was only a few days after the CSA informed me he was on his second liability order for not making CSA payments... coincidence?

Im so angry that men can do this! I am all for fathers having rights to their children, but i think the law needs to be changed on fathers who are absent from birth! What my daughters dad has done here, is decided he wasnt ready to be a father just yet, she he ran away and lived his life of holidays, sex, parties and freedom for an extra 4 and a half years. Now he's had enough of the party scene, he's decided 'im bored, oh yea, i forgot i have a child... i think il start doing the dad thing now'
How is this allowed by law? If a mother gives her child away, via adoption, she cant just turn around in so many years and say 'oh im ready now..i want my kid back' can they?! so why are the scumbag dead beat dads of the world allowed to do this to us as mothers and our children.

Im worried incase he has some kind of right to her, im also worried what the effect of court will have on my beautiful happy girl... court can damage kids childhoods and i dont want that for her at all... yet another thing that these 'fathers' have no consideration for, is the damage they are causing for their children.

11 Comments

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Yarnna - posted on 02/09/2014

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p.s the girlfriend thing was also just for a few months. I know his girlfriend already kind of. got no problems with her. shes my best friends, friend. So i know all about her. shes hard working and really nice. my only thought was that my daughter needs to know her dad and no one else just at that time. Hes only my daughter 3 times. thats it. 3 times for about 4 hours a time. i dont think 16 hours out of 4.5 years is enough to trust him with her alone or for her to meet other people. I told him that i wanted her to just meet him for a while because i didnt know what his intentions are. when someone completely denies that the child is theirs for years, then suddenly pops up...of course i am wary of it. i told him also that i wanted to be sure he wasnt going to up and leave her again. he said he understood that. I don't know, maybe i should try messaging him again or something. but so far he never replies to me.

Yarnna - posted on 02/09/2014

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No Jodi, i meant iv stopped taking her to see him BECAUSE hes now seeking legal advice rather than meeting us. he hasnt been i last saw him on 21st december, i got a letter about mediation on the 23rd, i messaged him asking why we needed mediation when he was already seeing her every saturday and was calling her on phone. he said because he didnt want to not be in her life, i simply said wheres the sense in mediation when im allowing him access, and he never messaged me again. didnt ask me to meet him or anything. so i stopped taking her to our usual meeting place because he hasnt been going. I dont have a problem in him seeing her at all. all i asked for from him was a few months to get used to it all before she and he went out alone. he couldnt even agree to that without kicking up a fuss. I dont think that it is much to ask for him to see her supervised for a bit until she is used to him and i learn to trust him. if i didnt want him involved i wouldnt have said yes in the first place.

Michelle, the way i see it is she is Y child, not his. may be biologically his but that doesnt mean a thing. He hasnt raised her, he doesnt know her. Anyone can be a dad...doesnt make them a true father. which he is not.

Michelle - posted on 02/08/2014

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This statement is incorrect: "she is my daughter not his. not until he proves himself to be a father."
Yes she is his daughter, unless you have a DNA test proving otherwise. You made him a Father when you got pregnant. You can't use her as a commodity and you need to encourage a relationship between her and her Father.

Jodi - posted on 02/08/2014

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Well, that's not what you said. You said: "Basically whats happening now is that iv stopped taking her to meet him. just because i wont allow him to see her alone or take her out without me being present and because i wont let him bring his girlfriend with him, he decided to seek legal advice."

So yes, you told him you refused the meetings because he can't see her alone, and his girlfriend can't be involved, so THEN he sought legal advice.

He sought legal advice because you seem to be refusing mediation to discuss the terms of visitation, as he is not happy with the current terms. That's the way I'm reading your post. He wants mediation for no reason? I don't think so. He wants a legal agreement or parenting plan where he can have a relationship with his child without your interference. Given you are clearly refusing that, and have now stopped the visitations because you don't want his girlfriend around, he is seeking legal advice. That's his right. I am not understanding why his girlfriend can't come to his visitation.

Yarnna - posted on 02/08/2014

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Thanks jodi. I had no problems keeping up with the regular meetings every saturday. But he decided not to get in touch anymore and go through the courts instead. I have never said he cant see her or that i would not take her to see him. He just stopped getting in touch about seeing her all together because he seems to think that a court will grant him unsupervised visits which means he will be able to take her out by himself. I personally, dont see how a court would allow a stranger to take my daughter out just because biologically they are related. It doesnt make him any less of a stranger does it. But im not going to beg him to still keep up the saturday visits. He decided to not contact me anymore and just go through the courts, so in the eyes of the law, thats not my fault. xx

Jodi - posted on 02/07/2014

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Yarnna, if you stop him from seeing her, and he has decided to turn up in court, and he argues that he approached you about visiting and you refused, you MAY be seen as alienating your child from the other parent. Mothers have lost custody for this. I am not judging you, because I totally agree that it isn't fair to a child for a parent to come and go as they please, BUT, she is not your possession. This is not about you "letting" him.

By all means, go to court and request regular supervised visitation until she gets to know him, but making a decision to stop this supervised visitation you were doing purely because he has decided to go to court is using the child as a pawn. I would advise you continue with taking her to meet him, demonstrate that you are willing for them to develop a relationship. This will look good in court. Stopping taking her to meet him because his girlfriend may be there or whatever it may be will be seen as petty and controlling. This is not YOUR decision to make in the eyes of the law, unless you have a court order that says you can.

Yarnna - posted on 02/07/2014

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thank you shena. this is my point. i cant just let him take my child out alone. she would be scared for one thing because he is a stranger. just because i knew him 5yrs ago it doesnt mean i know him any more. people change. hes as unknown to me now as someone i met in a shop. and i certainly would not allow a stranger to take my anywhere so why on earth would i let him just because he shares his dna it doesnt make him any lesa of a stranger. i only requested supervised visits fir 6/12 months until i was comfortable enough lettin her go alone. but the more he pushed and pushed the more wary he made me. i dont feel i have any obligations to him regarding my daughter. she is my daughter not his. not until he proves himself to be a father and put her first but so far hes putting his girlfrienda feelings and his impatience first with no consideration for my childs feelings being dragges through courts and disrupting her happy quiet life.

Jane - posted on 02/07/2014

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I agree, with you Yarnna it isn't right that he can just come back and say oh hey I wana be daddy now its wrong but hey that's men for you.. But actually michelle they might give her supervised visits you never know so therefore you might be able to be there with her but then they might just do the everyother weekend.. I would say let the judge know everything how you attempted to reach him via facebook and how he denied her.. although its good that hes trying to be in her life it is never to late!

Michelle - posted on 02/07/2014

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But you don't have the right to dictate how he spends time with his daughter, that's what I was saying. By telling him he can't take her without you then you are restricting him bonding with her without you around.
If it goes to court the judge will let him have her without you. Visitation isn't just on your terms, the judge will do what's best for your daughter and not having you around will help your daughter bond with her father better.

Yarnna - posted on 02/07/2014

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Thanks for your reply.

My issue is that i was allowing contact ect. i was taking her to see him every saturday and i had no problems with that at all. it was nice. My problem is that after only the 2nd time he saw her EVER, hes demanding that i let his girlfriend come and demanding that i let him take her out without me being there. Which is a no no for me as she doesnt know him. you cant just say im taking her out alone when you have only just met her. But thats how he sees it. I didnt actually stop the visits, i just emailed him and said i was going to see a solicitor and then i never heard anything off him again. No calls or text. nothing. So i never told him i was stopping him seeing her, but since he has not been in touch, iv stopped taking her. if that makes sense.

Michelle - posted on 02/06/2014

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Unfortunately you can force someone to be a parent when they aren't ready, that's why there isn't a law about it.
In regards to you dictating the visitation, you are in the wrong. The courts will see it as you denying visitation and it will go against you. You need to come to an arrangement and really you can't dictate every aspect of it. You have to let him form a bond with his daughter and if that means with his girlfriend around then so be it.
I understand you are annoyed that he denied her for so long while your life changed but you can't use her against him. This is the way the courts will see it.
My advice would be to get a good family lawyer and get things started towards a visitation schedule. The fact he hasn't paid child support is also irrelevant, they are separate issues.

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