absent partner... need advice!

Liliana - posted on 08/18/2016 ( 9 moms have responded )

9

0

2

I am a stay at home mom of three...1, 3, & 5yr old. I feel very overwhelmed most of the time. My husband works long hours and has long commute. Some days he comes home till 9-10pm (goes to work at 5am). I have no family or friends to help me out, no one to talk to. I have expressed to him that I need his help but instead of helping me he makes me feel guilty by telling me, "other wives can do it... Why can't you?" While I sit at home with the kids he sometimes coaches an adult football team and goes to games. He also puts no effort into our marriage but sure has time for football. He is a senior enlisted military so he has a lot of control over his work hours. On that note I've put my education/ career on hold to support his. I feel like I have nothing... Can't stand on my own two feet if we separated. I'm sick of it and don't know what to do.

9 Comments

View replies by

Michelle - posted on 08/20/2016

3,719

8

3246

My ex husband was very emotionally abusive and made sure I had nothing. When I left him all I had was a bag of clothes. I fought to get shared care of my children and had to start from scratch.
I know it's hard but you can be that strong independent woman again and be a great role model for your children.
You owe it to your children to be the best possible role model for them and it means standing up for what you feel is right. If that is leaving your husband then so be it.

AKFn - posted on 08/19/2016

6

0

0

There is nothing wrong with you at all. You're not a horrible mom. Your story is literally my almost exact story. I can't even get a decent job anymore because I've been so sporadic with work, staying home, going back, not going to college.. Then I'm doing everything on my own. just keep doing what you have to for your kids something will give way.. Either change as a divorce or change as in him working on the marriage.

Liliana - posted on 08/19/2016

9

0

2

@AKFn thanks for sharing... Just knowing that others feel the same as I do is helpful. I felt like a horrible mom, like there was something wrong with me.

AKFn - posted on 08/19/2016

6

0

0

Wow. I feel like you're me talking. I am also a mother of 3.. 11mo, 2, and 6.. It's very overwhelming. I also, don't have friends where we live.. And only have my dad who lives here but he works a lot. My husband works a lot too and when he comes home he's tired. I have a health condition that makes me extremely tired so I'm suffering big time being the only one who takes care of the kids 99% of the time. Our marriage is falling apart and he doesn't put out effort to fix it. It's like Aren't you unhappy like this??? I know I am. On weekends when he's home, he's not home. He's always gone without the kids. He says the same thing that all wives do it and all stay at home moms do. I wish I could offer you advice, but I can't. I'm lost too. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone on this. I'm praying it gets better for us both.

Liliana - posted on 08/19/2016

9

0

2

I have had no one for support and vowed to always be there for my children. I would be devastated if any of them ended up in a relationship like mine. I don't want them to think it's OK to be treated the way I am. I guess the fear of what's to come paralizes me... Also it wasn't always like this and its not easy letting go of all the hopes and dreams we had but in a sence does are already gone. I don't want to come off as someone who married him for money. I had my own military career that I gave up to start a family with him... I was a strong independent woman, I don't know were I went wrong or how I lost myself along the way.

Michelle - posted on 08/19/2016

3,719

8

3246

It is more hurtful for your children to be living in an unhappy home than being poor.
Do you want your children to grow up thinking that your marriage is what a marriage should be? You should be a role model for them and that means not accepting being treated like a maid/babysitter.
What you have written doesn't sound like a marriage of love to me, it sounds like you are both still married because it's easier than separating. That's not healthy for anyone.
A marriage should be a partnership filled with love. If you stay you will only build up resentment towards him and the children will pick up on it.
I have had a horrible marriage and am now married to my best friend and soul mate. I wonder why I stuck at my 1st marriage for so long but I appreciate everything my current husband does so much more.

Liliana - posted on 08/19/2016

9

0

2

Every time I try to talk to him about his lack of trying he becomes angry and says very hurtful things. I guess he thinks I should just be satisfied that he provides for us. We are very well taken care of financially and I wonder if it is worth sacrificing my happiness so that my kids are better off. I don't want my kids to suffer... I know what its like to be poor but they are innocent in all this and have no clue that all this is going on.

Liliana - posted on 08/19/2016

9

0

2

Thanks! You are completely right... Deep down I know what I have to do, it just hurts!

Michelle - posted on 08/18/2016

3,719

8

3246

I would suggest marriage counseling.
If he won't go then let him know that this is the last straw. He either commits to working on the marriage or it's over.
If you separate, you will find a way to support yourself and your children but you also deserve to be happy. A marriage is a partnership and if he doesn't want to be around then you may as well be on your own.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms