Adjusting to new move

Tammy - posted on 03/23/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Our family just moved from CT to SC due to my husbands job. Our son, 14, is having a very, very hard time. To the point that after only 4 weeks he's still begging to move back....and we're at a breaking point and may give in. Even though, my husband will lose his job and who knows how we will buy another house after just buying this one. It is tearing up our family....especially my husband and I. Our son was such an outgoing, funny, personable teen....now...not such. How much longer do we give it? My husband is afraid if we don't give in...what if our son turns in the wrong direction? This is killing me. Please someone help me!

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Raye - posted on 03/24/2016

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When my parents divorced, my mom moved my sister and me from Tennessee to Ohio, because my mom's family was here. I'm sure we weren't happy about it. We didn't know anyone. We had just started the new school year in TN, so was not looking forward to changing schools. But my mom's stance was that "this is the way it is, and you better get used to it". So when faced with no other choice, we made the best of it.

Sounds like maybe you are giving him some kind of hope that a move back is possible, and that feeds his reluctance to get settled where you are. You're the parents. The decision is yours based on the needs of your WHOLE family. Because kids don't often see the bigger picture and the overall benefits, they resist change. But they can adapt. Make sure he feels heard, but that the decision is not his to make. you have financial obligations, the new mortgage, etc. and that's not something you can just change your mind and back out of. Counseling may help, but also keep trying to get him active and meeting new people.

Ev - posted on 03/24/2016

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You still can not allow him to dictate what is done and not done. You and your husband moved the family for a valid reason. Your son is old enough to understand this. He is going to have to learn to adjust. I did. I grew up as a farm hands' kid with a sister. We moved from one farm to another growing up. It meant new schools and new people. We made a few friends but never many The last place we moved to while my dad worked on a farm we lived only a year. I had no friends that year and I was 15 years old. We moved to where we are now and I was thrilled. I knew this place because I knew people here. My parents almost moved us again at the end of my junior year of high school though and I was about to ask them to let me stay to finish up my education in high school.
It takes time and more than a month to get used to things in a new place. If he is not going to be receptive to trying out for sports or other interests that teens like, it is his problem and you can not do anything about it. I would get him counseling.

Tammy - posted on 03/23/2016

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We tried to get him into soccer (which he loves) but b/c we moved after the season started it was too late. We understand that it's not easy. I keep saying the same thing that we cannot let our kids dictate us. It's devastating seeing him in so much pain. I've reached out to the school and they are "supposed" to be setting him up w/ a counselor there. This whole move has been a big change. We came from a very small town where they walked to school, knew everyone and now it's a big town and he's only focused on what he "had". I'm trying to stay calm and compassionate but honestly it's breaking me down. I miss my son. We had such an awesome relationship and now that's gone. I know we need to stay where we are. I just don't know how to act. Now I'm angry. I want to be happy and I want both kids to be happy. Ughhh, 4 weeks feels like 4 years right now.

Ev - posted on 03/23/2016

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You are going to let your son dictate where you move to? Why should your husband give up his job that could be so beneficial to the family? Of course it is normal for kids to hate the idea of moving and leaving friends. But sometimes there is no choice in it for the parents either but in your case your husband had to move because of his job. It takes time to adjust to a new place and four weeks is not enough. Have you tried to get him involved in outside activities such as sports or other interests he might have? Have you explained that this was something dad had to do or he might have lost his job? What if your husband did stay and lost his job and could not find another? You still might have had to move anyhow. I moved as a child and did not like the majority of the places we moved to. When we moved to the state I live in now at the age of 16 I had family here and cousins my age. It was the easiest move for me. I also knew some of their friends because I had gone to church with them on vacations we took here. So I was familiar with the place and people. My sis on the other hand hated moving there because she liked the place we had been living in. I never got that. You need to also think about couseling for your son. He may need a place besides home to vent his frustrations in. Also, he does not have a say in this really. It was the job or face being without a lot of things.

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