adopted daughter molested

Karen - posted on 09/17/2011 ( 135 moms have responded )

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Please pray for our family. The week before Easter I found out that my husband had molested our adopted daughters. That week I did nothing but cry. On Easter he finally turned himself in. Because of him having alot of health problems they did not remove him from the house for a week. We were in the process of adopting a boy. Needless to say we lost him.. It has been really hard on all of us. The girls are really angrey. People keep asking me if I am going to get a divorce. I really don't know. I do not believe in divorces. I know that we could never be together again because he has lost my trust in him. They are suppose to sentence him in a couple of weeks. They are talking about 25 years to life. I have not told the girls yet. Please pray that I will have enough courage to do what is right for all of us.

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Brianna - posted on 09/17/2011

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you need to divorse him! why would u even be thinking of not divorcing him! he molested your daughters!!!!!! what kind of mother would stay with a child molester!! i hope those poor poor girls get taken away from both of you! i cant believe u did NOTHING when u first found out and YOU WAITED FOR HIM TO TURN HIMSELF IN AND DIDNT CALL THE POLICE YOURSELF! Your job as a mother is to PROTECT YOUR KIDS FIRST not keep them in harms way doing nothing and leaving the live in he same house as there abuser! Your just as guilty because you did not imidiatly remove them from living with him.

Wendy - posted on 09/17/2011

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it just baffels my mind that you say you dont believe in divorce.....are you kidding me! when he has molested your girls? i think that is a damm good reason to start beleving in them real fast.........

Kate CP - posted on 09/17/2011

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When you adopted those girls you made a promise to protect them. Your husband broke that promise. He's going to be going to jail if he's convicted. If you don't find a way to keep those girls safe from their adoptive father then the courts will.



Edited to add: You TOLD him that if he ever touched the girls that would be the end? So...did you have any clues or suspicions that he WOULD molest or abuse the children? If that is the case the why the hell did you adopt children at all?!

Kellie - posted on 09/17/2011

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You need to divorce him. My Uncle molested me and my Aunts daughter, they were defaco at the time of the abuse and after it all came out she married him! I can tell you I felt betrayed, pretty sure her daughter would have felt worse. That being said she did divorce him after taking him to the cleaners.

You need to get counselling for you and your girls, separately and family counselling. Now is the time you band together as a family so that your girls may move past this and live positive lives.

How old are your girls? You need to tell them the truth and if they are old enough you need to give them the option of being there when their abuser is sentenced. It will likely help them with some closure.

25 to life? He must have really gone above and beyond with those poor babies :(

Please listen to your daughters and their needs.

Hugs to you all.

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Shara - posted on 09/20/2011

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I really hope you make the right decision for you and your girls. I was molested by my step dad and never told anyone for a very long time. I always felt like i would hurt my mom so he had me convinced that I would get in trouble myself. When I was older I finally told my mom and charges were pressed. I had to deal with witness protection, lie detectors, court, it was alot to handle and in the end none of it mattered, he got away with it. I will never forgive myself for keeping it in.

It would probably be in your families best interest to get a divorce and have him out of your life entirely, so that you can move on. You dont want to take the chance of dealing with him in the future. I wish your family the best and my thoughts are with you!!!!

Katherine - posted on 09/20/2011

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****ADMIN WARNING****

Because of the nature of some of these posts, I am locking this thread.

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Diana - posted on 09/20/2011

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I know that this is a very difficult time for you.

My younger sister was molested for years (unbeknownst to us from the time she was 6 until she was 14) by my mother's boyfriend. She finally told us when she was 16 after quitting school. Our mom asked her at one time when she was 12 if her boyfriend was doing anything inappropriate, but my sister being young (my daughter is now her age) said no. My mom, being nyeve took her word at face value and never pursued it in any way so my sister's torment continued.

Because of what this person did to her it triggered bi-polar disorder and over the years she developed a crippling social anxiety. She tried to commit suicide a few times. She was unable to hold a job because of her anxiety or even to go into a store by herself or through a drive-thru fast food restaurant. She suffered for years & was hospitallized twice for nervous breakdowns.

Our mother passed away at the age of 46 never getting to see her grandchildren (my sister had 3 children by the time she was 20) and never getting to see the person my sister has become. She endured an quiet, unspoken Hell that no one can imagine if it hasn't happened to you. Guess what? She isn't the only one who can suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I went through years of councelling myself. Despite knowing that there is nothing that I could have done, the heart-wrenching empathy that I felt for my little sister was overwhelming.

One day a few years ago my sister took her life back. She decided that she wasn't going to let something that someone else did to her rule her life. It was a long journey and one that many people don't make or make it through. Following her second nervous breakdown she actively sought councelling to help herself. She got her GED after completing an online high school course because she didn't want it to seem like she cheated when she had to explain to her children later if they asked. She got a job as a cashier at a large grocery store to help force herself to work through her social anxiety. Finally, she signed up for college courses to be a medical assistant. She graduates in 3 weeks and I can't wait to be there cheering her on. Once she is finished she intends to go back to college to be a registered nurse.

My point is that children can't make their own decisions. It is our job as parents to protect and guide them. Sometimes that means making painful, but necessary decisions. What that man did, he did knowing full well it was wrong. Your children had no recourse, no way of protecting themselves from someone who was supposed to be protecting them. You be that Mother Bear for your children or you have more to lose than just a marriage to a man who would harm your babies adopted or not. Would you feel worse to find one or both of your daughters dead one day at their own hands because they couldn't take the feelings of abandonment from not only one parent, but both? I am telling you right now that if I EVER found out that someone harmed one of my 2 daughters whether it was family or not I would be a force to be reckoned with and be leading the charge to have that person punished to the full extent of the law. Even if that meant that I had to live in a cardboard box with my kids to keep them safe.

Don't let him play the victim to you. Chances are good that he was molested when he was young. Sympathy ends when you know right from wrong and harm your own children anyway. He made his decision now he will have to live with it. Don't feel sorry for him. Of course you can't trust him. He will NEVER be trustworthy because he is a predator. Be the Mother Bear and protect your cubs first and foremost and do not feel guilty for doing it. You are their mother and all they have.

Cayley - posted on 09/20/2011

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I hope you do the right thing for your girls! Divorce is inorder, truth be told it was not a marriage. He is a child molester not a husband!

Peggy - posted on 09/20/2011

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I'm shocked that you are even questioning whether to get a divorce or not! Your husband molested your children! Lots of people don't believe in divorces. Get one! How can you possibly stay with a man who would do this to your children???

Karen - posted on 09/20/2011

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No I do not believe in people being molested. God and the state have already seperated us. He is NOT around them.

Karen - posted on 09/20/2011

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I get the impression that you think that he is still in the home and he isn't. He is not in the home and has not seen him since Easter. He is sitting in a jail waiting for his sentence. The girls have no contact with him at all.

Bibi - posted on 09/20/2011

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Karen, I pray Psalm 91 over you and your girls. May God's truth and sovereignty reign over your lives. This is definitely a hard one; know there is nothing to hard for the Almighty God. Let His absolute love reign over you and your daughters one day at a time. Know you and your girls are loved by Him. Our God is not the author of you and your girls situation, hurt, pain; nonetheless, I cannot tell you why He allowed this to happen. He loves you and your family and identifies with your pain. Run towards Him in all your pain, anger, confusion, and doubts; don't go astray. Hang on to the Horns of the Throne. Hear only His voice and not the voice of man. He will heal you and your children to wholeness; never leaving or forsaking you. I'm truly sorry you and your girls have to go through this. I will stand in the gap; praying peace that passes all understanding, declaring and decreeing that what the enemy tried to do in evil, God will strengthen your family-getting the glory, stripping the power of the devil from your lives. For, such a time like this, God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son to the cross. Jesus has already taken stripes for this very situation. . . You were healed! Healing is promised. Stand on HIS PROMISES. . . .Love and Blessings, Bibi'

Janice - posted on 09/20/2011

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I will pray for you. I was a victim of this as a small child, I know the anger your daughters must be feeling. I am glad that he turned himself in. I know in life there is no black and white, just shades of gray. In time you may consider divorce, but take one step at a time. The pain is way to fresh for you to try and change everything. You will need time and distance. I found that taking a couple of days every few months to step out of my life can help bring perspective. Step out take an overnighter away from everyone and everything. Leave all your problems at the door, you can pick them up when you come back. It helps, sometimes just taking a breather for a second helps. Right now you probably feel like your spinning. It helps cause when you come back you will think as you start to pick up the problems, do I really need this? and somethings you can start to let go. But take a breather, take a moment where you say, Right now, I am not thinking about it. Focus for a moment on just being happy. Take time to watch something really funny and laugh, you need it. Be serious when you have to be and laugh the rest of the time. I will pray for you for strength, I will pray for you for forgiveness, I will pray for you to laugh and be happy.
I will tell you that it has been hard to get over what happened to me. A long time I hated him for what he did to me. I scarred me in many ways, but I didn't tell anyone what happened. When I got old enough, I got conselling and it really helped me. I let it colour so much of my life and suck the happiness away. I gave away my power. But that has changed now, I have a great life, with beautiful children. I look back on it now as one of the hardest parts of my life, but it has made me stronger. We all have our stories, our hardships and our challenges. But tomorrow is another day and I'll be dammed if its going a bad day. Sure things happen that suck, thats life. But I am doing something now whether its climb a mountain, go to disney world, packpacking, racing, something that makes me laugh and gives me a great story to tell. It will take time to heal, but live, laugh and find joy.

Kerri - posted on 09/20/2011

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The only way for your daughters to move forward is to have an adult in their corner. If you support them and not the molester they will be able to have productive, happy lives in the future.When you accepted these girls as your own you accepted a moral duty to care for them. God would not want you to put them in the power of a child molester.Start yourself and your girls on a whole new life and let the obese, self serving,monster get what is coming to him. He deserves whatever is waiting in gaol as he abused the most precious gift you will ever have. get out now.

Taj - posted on 09/19/2011

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I have read through your post and many of the responses. I am trying to formulate a response that doesn't sound as angry and frustrated as I am feeling about your situation. Clearly, you are a person of faith and you believe that you are trying to do the "right" thing based on your belief system. I would ask you to consider this. Just because you forgive someone for their offense, doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. You can forgive in your heart and still move on. Your first and primary obligation must be to your children since they have no ability to protect themselves and you have a MORAL and LEGAL obligation to protect them. I also believe that you need to take some responsibility for your part in what happened. Even accepting your claims that you had no suspicions of what was happening and no foreknowledge, you have admitted to not immediately removing your children from his presence even after you became aware of his abuse of them. That is truly horrific. You chose to allow your children to remain in a demonstrated, unsafe environment. Your distress about this situation seems to focus more on the loss of your marital trust than the actual physical and psychological harm done to your girls. What do you think your choices have done to their trust relationship with you? As to the girls losing their "father", the reality is they don't have a father. A real father would never have abused them the way that your husband did. He has lost the right to call himself their father and if you remain with him, those girls will likely never forgive him (or you) for that. You need to seek counseling for yourself and especially for the girls. While I am sure that you are seeking some reassurance and sympathy for what is truly a horrific situation, I am finding it very hard to sympathize with you given your choices and your responses about this situation. You appear to be part of the problem, rather than part of the solution. To begin to think that you could stay with this man after what he did to your girls really makes me question your suitability as a parent. Prayer is not going to fix your problems if you are choosing to be willfully blind. I wonder what Jesus would think of your choice to endanger those innocent children by keeping them in that household for an entire week before HE decided to turn himself in. What a betrayal of those girls. I realize that this response has turned far more angry than I had intended, but I honestly have no respect for you given your choices and I pity your children for having you for a mother. They deserve better. I pray that they get it.

Melissa - posted on 09/19/2011

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You don't say how long you have been married. You should check and see what requirements your state has for an annulment. Most states will annul a marriage based on fraud. He entered into the marriage and withheld pertinent information from you. He had to know that he had "urges". Check with a lawyer. God Bless those little girls and may you have the strength to do the right thing.

Janice - posted on 09/19/2011

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I'm sorry to hear what happened to your girls and I will definitely be praying for you and your family. In regards to you divorcing your husband that's something you have decide for yourself.

Alexandra - posted on 09/19/2011

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karen, you say you dont believe in divorces, so do you believe in molestation? Come on, honey, this is rough, but you gotta get out of this life.

CHERYL - posted on 09/19/2011

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You should divorce him. Just think what you would do if they was not adopted but your real daughters? They will not be able to stay in the same house as him by fearing he will do this again, And no one knows if he will do it every again. These poor lil girls will need lots of therapy ,and so will you.

Does not matter how long you've been married he did something very wrong to these girls that they never wanted done by someone the trusted.

Put yourself in their shoes.

so looks like you want to punish these poor girls by staying with the person that molested. and having them live under the same roof? This way they will be very afraid of him and hate him more, and live in fear that this could happen all the time.
Glad they was very smart and come forward and told you about this, NOW you need to do the right thing and leave him.

Jeanne - posted on 09/19/2011

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My thoughts are with you during this awful situation. The only advice I can give is get the girls in counseling ASAP. I was abused during my marriage and I am in counseling to deal with the abuses that were done to me. It is imperative they get the help needed to deal with the situation in a healthy way. God be with all of you!!!

Alexandra - posted on 09/19/2011

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Karen, unfortunately this is a very sensitive situation and only you know in your heart what you want to do. However, it is imperative that you do not let this man near your children. What he did has no forgiveness. I am so sorry.

Melissa - posted on 09/19/2011

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Look, if you don't get a divorce you have a chance if he does get out and come back for you to loose your children. children's services will not let him live in the same house as him. It's better to loose 1 parent than both parents. You don't want your children to loose you as well- so do the best thing for your children, it will take strength, courage but think of it as BEST for your children. Get a good support system, you've started in a good spot, keep it up keep going, you can do it. A woman's shelter can help you build a good support system and get you help for the recovery process- even though you don't need to live there, they will tell you steps for healing!

Brenda - posted on 09/19/2011

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It has to be sooo hard to deal with this. Please get the girls and yourself in counseling. And I do believe the girls will resent you if you don't divorce your husband. There are some very good reasons for divorce and this is definitely one of them. He doesn't need or deserve to be around them ever again. Trust God and be there for your children and make sure they know God hasn't forgotten them.

Stifler's - posted on 09/19/2011

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I can't comprehend considering staying with someone who abused my children. Or abused any children. Not believing in divorce is one thing... I'm sure god will understand on this occasion.

Betty - posted on 09/19/2011

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I have been down this road before. If I can tell you only one thing, it is that there is no cure. Do not let anyone tell you that the molestor can recover or get past it. Do not let him near your children, ever again.They are master manipulators. They will apologize & swear it will never happen again but it will.Please believe these words of experience. Good luck & God bless you & your children.

Beverly - posted on 09/19/2011

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I am a sexual abuse survivor by my biological mother's husband and in a foster home. I am here to tell you there is hope and that these girls can have a wonderful life. Just get them counseling, make sure to constantly put them first and make them important. Show them that they are worth all that life can give them and pray, pray, pray. God heals all wounds and he takes everything that happens in our lives...even the negative...and makes it work for the good of those who love Him. This is a promise and you can claim it as often at you need it. Your girls will be ok and so will you if you keep your eyes on God and continue to walk in faith. Get rid of the loser as he cannot be good for you or your girls ever. He will do this again and you must protect them and put them first in this situation. I also do not believe in divorce but there are certain circumstances that warrant it. God provided one reason for divorce and sweetie I know this sounds really bad but he commited adultery in the worst way possible. This goes way beyond that I know as it is child abuse as well. God says Woe to any who would harm one of these little ones for such is the Kingdom of Heaven. He is in over his head w/ the power he has messed w/ this time. You and your girls need to not be anywhere around when he gets what God has planned for him. This is not the power he needs to mess with and he did. Good luck and much prayer going up for you from my little corner of the word.

Amanda - posted on 09/19/2011

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I feel for you and your girls! As a victim of childhood molestation by a similar family member, I can tell you that if you do not divorce him and put the girls first, they will resent you too. They will not be able to understand, even when they are adults, why you would stay with him. I respect the fact that you do not believe in divorce, but the safety of your children should be first and foremost!! I personally do not understand how you could considered staying with him considering what you know he did. I dont mean any disrespect but please put your kids first for the sake of there mental health and well being. I wish you the best of luck and will be praying for all of you! My heart breaks for you!

Tonya - posted on 09/19/2011

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He needs to be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, what ever happens to him in prison he deserves after what he has done to those girls. He has scarred them for life and taken their child hood from them. You need to turn your back on him for what he did and fully support and be there for the girls. It makes me sick to read he did this while the girls were home with him while you were at church. He took advantage of them while they were there to "help" him. God will judge him and he should be afraid! You need to get counceling for the girls and yourself. Sadly this will be with these girls for the rest of their lives.

Paula - posted on 09/19/2011

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My heart goes out to you. May the good Lord give you the strength you need to do what needs to be done.

JuLeah - posted on 09/19/2011

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25 years to life sounds about right. I am all about compassion and understanding, really ... but on this issue ... nah. Once you cross that line. Once you rape a child ... I no longer care what you background was, who did what to you ...



You have to deal with the loss of the dream you had ... for the family you envisioned .....



The girls might be happy to know he can never hurt them again



Family therapy, therapy for the girls ... this might be required for many many years



Make sure they know, not their fault, they did nothing wrong, no one is mad or upset with them for anything



I am sure you are kicking yourself ... how did you not know, not see .... you will need therapy too, in my opinion because you can't go through life kicking yourself and you need to be strong for your kids

Tracie - posted on 09/19/2011

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You may not believe in divorce, but do you think you could live married to a child molester? Would your daughters want him in their lives? Could you ever trust him again with anything? Doesn't sound like he left much of a marriage for you to save.

I am so very sorry for all of you. I can't even imagine the heartache you must all be suffering right now. In case you're feeling down on yourself, I'd just like to point out what you did right in this situation:

1. You believed your daughters when they came to you with this information. This is so critical for abuse victims. By doing so, you strengthened your bond with them. They trust you now more than ever.

2. You pressed charges. This is important so that your daughters get the message loud and clear that they did nothing wrong. The only one who's going to get into trouble is their dad. The girls are complete innocents.

I highly recommend counseling for all three of you. There must be so much betrayal, anger, fear, resentment and confusion to work through.

Best of luck to you and your precious girls.

Janelle - posted on 09/19/2011

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If you don't want to get divorced because you Christian, the Bible says adultery and homosexuality are grounds fro divorce. I know he is not gay, but still. Just saying. My step dad molested me when I was 2 until I was 4. when it went to court when i was 4 she defended him. he was found innocent. My mother knew and did nothing about it and stayed with him. When they finally got divorced, it was not because of me it was because he treated her badly. when I was finally at the age I understood, I hated my mother for letting him hurt me. at 17 i finally forgave her. i am 20 and i am still hurt by it and wouldnt trust her to protect my baby. I will never have a mother/daughterly bond with her. i love my mom and we have a good relationship, but there is no bond. protect your children. he will do it again.

Marla - posted on 09/19/2011

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You say you either don't have family or lost his. If his family can't be supportive, even when he has admitted to the abuse, then it doesn't seem like they were much of a family to begin with. They're the ones who are losing a good family (you and your daughters). You say you go to church, but there is one of the best and most supporting family you could have. Stay strong in your faith, allow your church family to be there for you, and get rid your husband's sorry @$$ !! You need to be strong for those girls and show them that abuse is NOT acceptable under any circumstance!

Amy - posted on 09/19/2011

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OH Karen -- Prayers to you right now. I can't imagine what you are going through. Faith is so hard sometimes. I pray for healing and that the girls to not have lasting effects. Thinking of you ((hugs))

Ronda - posted on 09/19/2011

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I will pray for you and your girls. Please do not judge this woman for saying she may not consider divorce right away. She needs encouragement, not judgement! Your girls will NEED counselling, for help with male relationships (future) boyfriend/husband relations. Also for trust issues. ~hug~ I will pray you all heal. Also, if your girls begin to blame you at all, talk it through and be there for them. It is just a reaction to what happened. This is what happened to me when I was molested. Take care.

Evelyn - posted on 09/19/2011

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My adopyed daughter was also molested but by a classmate. He was removed from the school and she was in therapy for several years. It is very important that your girls get therapy and understand that they did nothing wrong.

Eva - posted on 09/19/2011

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You know you can never let him near your girls again. The girls will never forget what he did, it will always be in the back of their minds. See that they get help not just now, but into the teens. I'll pray for you.

Rebekah - posted on 09/19/2011

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If you want to keep your kids get away from him and fast. I don't want to sound rude, unfeeling, etc., but what happens to him is because of what HE did and has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Tell your kids the truth at all times and don't hide things from them. Let them talk about what they want to and when they want to, even if it hard for you to hear them say certain things or talk about certain things with them. Get your kids counseling with someone who is trained to work with kids and be involved in the counseling with them when you are able and allowed - they are dealing with so much and need you more than ever (emotionally as well-not just physically). Last but not least, scripture states that divorce is allowed in situations of unfaithfulness - which this VERY obviously is, except FAR more despicable. James 1:5 says: If anyone lacks wisdom let them ask of God Who gives liberally to all without finding fault and it will be given to them. God ALWAYS keeps His promises, so ask Him for the wisdom you need and He will give it to you!

Tilanie - posted on 09/19/2011

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Phew, that is a hard burden to carry, you are in our prayers to keep you strong and to help you make the decision that is best for you and the girls!

Molly - posted on 09/19/2011

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I will be 33 this year and I am still not coming to terms with having been molested as a child. Get this man out of your life forever. It may hurt very much but he has done a terrible terrible thing that can never be put right or forgoton.
I pray for you and your girls. Take care.

Disheika - posted on 09/19/2011

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Sweetheart there r no excuses for a man touching a child in a sexual way. The kids r the most important part of ur life right now. I personally think he should get more than 25 to life.

Christina - posted on 09/19/2011

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I will pray for you as well as a child molested myself please get them good counseling now so they become strong healthy woman.

Rita - posted on 09/19/2011

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Oh my God, terrible, very terrible. May God give you the courage and wisdom to do what is right. Remember these are your nice gals that you really luv.

Lisa - posted on 09/19/2011

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Karen, My the lord guide your path to healing your spirit and that of your girls. With him all things are possible and I pray that you will find strength to get through this for your and your girls. I too understand how they feel having gone through the same thing with my father. Unfortunately, 35 years ago it was something families tried to hide under the rug. No one believed me and I was sent away to a childrens home in hopes that it all would go away. My father never admitted what he had done until he was on his death bed. God bless you for standing by your girls and may our Lord have mercy on your husbands soul. God bless!

Mumbi - posted on 09/19/2011

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my heart has really broken for you! i'll keep you in my prayers because i can only imagine how difficult this is for you. take care of your daughters, and dedicate them to the Lord everyday so that they get the healing that they need. in the meantime, may the Lord give you strength and comfort. God be with you karen.

Vellancia - posted on 09/18/2011

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Karen, as a woman I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling and only God can heal your pain. Be strong in the Lord, He is the God that will do the Impossible. I am fasting this week for "wounded woman" and I will most certainly pray for you. He will turn things around for you, just believe and keep on praising Him through your circumstances. He loves you and He catches your tear in His hands.I want to give you this scripture. Psalm 23 v 2. God bless and loop up when you can't any more.

Melissa - posted on 09/18/2011

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Wow I am trying to to judge you or be too hard on you but really? He wants to lose weight so when he sees those girls again... ?WHAT? See them again?? Wow. I trust in the Lord and I know he does not like divorce just for the sake of divorcing. I know HE will be just fine with this divorce. God helps those who help themselves. I understand how you loved him for so long that it was just so hard, but could you try loving yourself and those girls a little more? I am dismayed by your attitude. I get that you are scared to be alone but if you truly trust in GOD, then trust He will take care of you. GET OUT and do NOT look back. God be with you and those girls.

Jessica - posted on 09/18/2011

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The bible states that God allows divorce in two situations. One is a believer married to a non-believer who wants a divorse, the other is in the case of adultery, this for sure falls under that catagory (and more!) You don't need anyone including a priest or church to approve, God has the final say and His say is in the bible! You don't need religon, you need a Jesus! Find yourself (if you don't have one) a church thats preaches from the word of God, not man made rules and religon. Get on your face and cry out to Jesus, He loves you and those precious children. He is waiting to begin the healing, all you need to do is ask. God bless.

Patricia - posted on 09/18/2011

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I will pray for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong for your girls and stick by them!

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