Adopted kid

Nikki - posted on 03/16/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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We have a 9 year old we adopted at age 3. Alyssa has been diagnosed with RAD, ODD, mood disorder and impulse control disorder. Alyssa is a FAS kid and was addicted to heroine at birth. She has occasional violent out bursts mainly toward me occasionally to our other 4 biological kids. She just came home from Millwood mental hospital and she is distant, angry, and hates me.
What worries me the most is Alyssa goes to school and lies about us pretty often and of course School calls CPS. We have now had CPS called on us 14 times. When will this ever stop. The last time was because Alyssa stole money from me and I told her she had extra chores to do to repay back the $27.00 she stole. So she went to school the next day and told them we made her the slave of the whole family.
So of course school called CPS. By the way her extra chores were to clean the car boxes and clean the bathrooms.
Any advice?
This is one exhausted mom!

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Sarah - posted on 03/17/2014

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Much of what she is doing is a result of what she lacked those first 3 years of her life along with her FAS. Some things are not going to change as some are survival and even though are not healthy allowed her to survive those first 3 yrs of her life. A couple things I would suggest would be to read on how FAS kids learn
You can't teach cause and effect as their brain does not have that part.....With FAS the frontal part of the brain does not develop, this is where reasoning and common sense comes from. So instead you have to create habit. You have to set up a system and routine that becomes habit. So when she gets an impulse to do something she is in the habit of checking in with someone that does have common sense and reasoning. You can't treat her like your other kids because she is not like your other kids. Another thing I would suggest is reading the book Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. I know reading sounds like the furthest thing you want to do, but this is WELL WORTH IT. Karyn has an Institute in Texas that she works with MANY adopted kids with sever issues. She has GREAT information. She also has several videos......I recommend the parenting one. It will add to what her book talks about and gives you a great visual. I work in adoption and her book and video is what we are requiring our adoptive families to complete before their home study is approved.

Nikki - posted on 03/17/2014

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yes we have talked to the school we have even had CPS come to the school and have a meeting with the counselor and principle. The counselor is convienced we are abusive and crazy.
Our daughter is a very good liar and manipulator.
Alyssa sees a counselor and a psychiatrist
She is on abilify, intuniv, and depakote.
My other children all have the same rules but no one else lies, steals, or is manipulative or is cruel to our animals.Everyone shares in doing chores.
We have a very fun loving yet structured family. Alyssa refuses to eat with us, pray with us, refuses to kiss us good night
I am very heartbroken and frustrated

Brittney - posted on 03/16/2014

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Hi! Poor you and your family! So have you talked to the school about them calling CPS and explained the situation? And for the little girl. Is she in counseling? Does she have someone to talk to and vent her frustrations? Is she medicated and could her medications need to be reevaluated? Sorry so many questions just wanted to know a little more. I do not blame you for making her do more chores. You don't steal no matter what! Are you more stricter or more lieniant on the other children in the family? I think that it is normal that she would have so much attitude with you. You are the mom. You in a child's eyes have the final say so. She may be angry because she feels that you sent her away because you don't like her. Have you tried to talk to her alone? Or maybe tried group counseling? I worked with mentally ill girls for about 3 years. If things are planned and schedules are kept then they did better. We had a couple that had major behaviors. Counseling always seemed to help and the counselor that they seen was on call for them at all times. Maybe try to find one like that. The girls would call the counselor and she would talk to us and suggest ways to calm them down or what we were doing to trigger the behavior. Because honestly people with mental disabilities especially multiple problems cannot control their outbursts. Just a couple of suggestions. Hope everything works out and things get better in your home.

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