Adopted Teenage Daughter now dating lesbian, need advise!

Lisa - posted on 09/03/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Well… I have nothing against lesbians per se. But at 16, and not even a day after returning from the camp she worked at all summer she tells us this. The “girlfriend” was also at the camp and is a proclaimed lesbian and has dated other girls already, so clearly and most likely has been the aggressor.



I do not have any biological children. And now the hopes and dream of maybe one day watching our daughter have a baby feels like it’s starting to slip away. I know, I know, a lesbian can also have a baby. But… it’s not the same.



Anyway, our daughter suddenly is smack dab in a relationship that we didn’t see coming and also, she has NEVER dated before. And up until now has made no secret of being obsessed with a boy in school for the last 2 years at least. So the news is really coming as a shock to us.



But there’s more…



Before she “came out” so to speak, she, while still at the camp had called and asked, no make that TOLD me that there would be a sleep over with this “friend”. then the next week said she wanted her to stay over for 1 -2 days!!!! That’s under our roof of course. My first reaction (without knowing fully of the relationship at this point) was to just pause a bit and say ” That’s a long time, 1-2 days”.



After getting off the phone, I thought more about how strange this was that after being away for the entire summer all she was focused on was having this “friend” over instead of just coming home and maybe having some time with us here.



It is infuriating that she tried to engineer basically having sex in her room with her “girlfriend” without our knowing and under the pretense of them just being friends. But…as I’ve said in my previous posts, she is very manipulative.



We have made it clear that we feel that she is too young to “date” exclusively, no matter what the sex. We are concerned that the girlfriend is influencing our daughter in a big way.



Oh! And I forgot to mention, the girlfriend was also adopted from an orphanage. And at age 3. So she is bound to have RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and probably a bunch of other manipulative tendencies, etc.



I proceeded to request from the woman who runs the camp, a way to contact the girlfriend’s parents. The next day or so it looks like someone tried to call me as there’s a number from this girlfriend’s location on my caller id. No voicemail however and no email. We do want to talk to one or both parents to get their take on the situation and learn a bit more about this girl through them. We do know that the parents are not in support of her being gay. So we’re guessing they will be understanding when we express our concerns about our daughter becoming deeply involved with her.



Haven’t been quite ready to call that number. But when the time feels right, I will….



Thanks for reading. Your supportive comments are welcome and appreciated

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Emily - posted on 09/03/2012

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I think you're making an awful lot of assumptions, especially about the girlfriend. I think you need to get more information before assuming she's an "aggressor" or that she's some kind of negative influence in your daughter's life.



I don't know about you, but I knew by the time I was 16 that I was heterosexual, and I met my first love at age 15. If your daughter is bi or gay, she likely knows it by now. I am doubtful this is a case of some girl dragging her into a relationship she doesn't want to be in. You couldn't force me to be gay if I wasn't. It takes two to be in a relationship.



I think you need to sit down and have a conversation with your daughter. Lay out all of your concerns, in a respectful way. There's no way this is going to be resolved if you aren't all able to talk about it.

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MARIEBETH - posted on 04/13/2015

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I am relating well with this situation about my daughter having relationship with a lesbian. She's 22 and very tough on contradicting my advice to her about this relationship. I was worried when she slept over in the other girl's house and opened up this worry with her mother. She told me that she would never allow such thing to happen in her house. Could this be true? My daughter at this time is so avoiding boys to come to her and court her. My daughter is very pretty and I am so disappointed at her decision having this kind of relationship. I dream of her having her own family and kids. At her age now, do you think i am pushing her too hard to have a boy relationship? Should i just let her do what she wants at this point of time? could having this kind of relationship also grow out in time? I need heeeelp pleease...couse i am developing bitterness overtime on becoming helpless that i cannot do anything or something to stop it and make her think wisely and maturely and accordingly to what the bible says about having relationship with the same sex...please help..

Trishia - posted on 10/17/2012

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I AM SOOO IN THE SAME BOAT WITH YOU!! JUST FOUND OUT THE SAME FROM MY DAAUGHTER..AND FURIOUS..BUT I LOVE HER SO..SHES MY ONLY DAUGHTER...AND THOUGH I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST LESBIANS ..AM WONDERING DO THEY GROW OUT OF THIS SOMETIMES? WE ARE KINDA SITTING IDLE..I TOLD HER ..I LOVE HER NO MATTER WHAT!! BUT AM NOT TOTALLY FOR ENCOURAGING THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR..BUT I AM DEALING WITH IT..SOOOO LOST AND CONFUSED!

Emily - posted on 09/06/2012

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You mentioned you thought the girlfriend had RAD, but you did not say your daughter has this. Is she receiving therapy? If so, wonder if it would be possible to join in some of her therapy sessions to discuss some of these things.

Lisa - posted on 09/03/2012

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Emily,



Thanks for your reply to my post. My husband and I have been talking with our daughter. Absolutely, communication is key. But what also is important is that our daughter has RAD and other traumas stemming from her background which make communication difficult and often impossible.



We have seen photos of her "girlfriend" and can tell you that she looks VERY tough. We certainly do not condone our daughter entering into a sexual relationship before she's even had a chance to date. Wanting a sleep over of course implies that sex would be part of the visit!



This is not just about sexual orientation. It's about our daughter not being ready for a steady dating type of relationship at this time.



She needs to focus on her studies as she is in the most important year in high school now. She cannot afford to get distracted by another person's influence, which could throw her off course for what is to come after high school.



Thanks again.

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