ADOPTION AND BIRTH PARENTS

Catherine - posted on 03/03/2011 ( 19 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 2 1/2 years old and we adopted her from an agency and no knowledge of the birth parents. During the process visitation was not discussed; however now the birth mother is requesting a visit. I have many concerns but when it comes down to it since any visit is done with the agency I don't mind having a visit but my husband is against it till she gets older and wants to decide on her own if she wants to. We are caucasian and our daughter is bi-racial so as she gets older its not a question of explaining or telling her she's adopted because we do have a plan. There are pro's and con's to having the visit now or later so I'm looking for any suggestions or feelings other's may have. We do not have any medical background on her so I would atleast like to get some information on that for her future.

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Amanda - posted on 03/03/2011

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Can you arrange to meet with the birth mother without your daughter present? That way you have a chance to feel her out and if you don't like what she has to say or if you feel she's not stable then you don't have to let her see your baby. If she really does want to see your daughter then she should be willing to meet you (and your husband) first.

Jess - posted on 03/03/2011

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When I was 17 I had a daughter and I wasn't ready to be a parent yet so I decided to give her up for adoption.it was the hardest thing that I've ever done. When her new parents asked if I wanted to see her I said yes. It was really hard. Her biological father was against seeing her and now he regrets it. It doesn't hurt for your daughters real mom to see her. If u think about it and if she gets older and askes did my mom ever try see me when I was little wouldn't u rather say yes she saw u or yes she wanted to see u but we didn't think it was a good idea. U have to look at it from her point of view.

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Sarah - posted on 04/14/2011

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Have faith- good things come to those that wait!! There is always red tape, and particularly in any instance that garners media attention. I am certain the state will favor your family for adoption as you allready have her sister. You have made the necessary first steps, I know waiting is the hardest part, especially when you feel so helpless! Sending prayers your way!!

Catherine - posted on 04/14/2011

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We contacted our attorney and the agency immediately after finding this out. Unfortunately, this story is just evolving and a huge baby selling is coming about. We are trying everything possible to get her sister but so far are running into red tape and can't say anything to the news about us nor do anything further but wait. We are so upset and stressed out over thing knowing that she has a sister and that baby would have a wonderful loving home. Needing all the prayers that we can get right now that it works out in the end.

Sarah - posted on 04/13/2011

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I am so, so very sorry to hear that Catherine. It is unfortunate that the BM is such an unhappy, unhealthy person at this point. I know it must be hrd for you to think that your daughter now has a sister. Have you considered contacting the state/agency regarding adoption of the new baby? States tend to favor placing family members together and obviously the baby is not living with its mother and must be in foster care. I dont know if it would be something you would be interested in, it's just the first thing that popped into my mind. I have 2 cousins who were adopted, they too were of the same mother, different father although they were adopted together at the same time. I sincerely hope your family recovers from this unfortunate shock. My heart goes out to you and yours.

LeeAnna - posted on 04/13/2011

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I gave my youngest child up for adoption about a year ago now, I wouldnt want a visit right now because it would be to hard to walk away again. I think that you should find out why they want a visit. When you give your child up it is just that I think. I also think that you should make it very clear of what is and is not allowed. Also I would meet with her first and then make a the choice of a visit or not. Also you should of gotten all the info from the agency that you used with the adoption my childs parents did. i wish you all the best of luck with this it is a hard one to deal with and to go threw.

CHERYL - posted on 04/13/2011

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When I adopted mine both parents lost their rights to her. Which was the best thing. WE have no clue on her dad at all. But her mom is related to us. when she got out of prison she would call all the time, then less and less calls. Mine told her not to contact her until she is 18. Which we are glad she did. I would let your lil one know now and slowly tell her that she is a very special lil girl that you picked out from all the other ones to come to your loving home to live with you. And let her know she is adopted. I would check with your agent, if it is an open adoption then mom has rights but if it's not she has NO rights to see her. Check with her background also. Your lil one might react wrong or her birth mom might react wrong. I would be worry if it was me. I agree with your husband on NO. Her mom might come and and try some things. Get any medical information on her for your child.
I was upfront with mine and told her the truth, she was 4. she knew about her mom. You can sit down with her mom first to get your information. Mine still never told me about her medical background. Start now telling her about being adopted, yes I know she is very young she will understand, and keep telling her every time about it.

Amber - posted on 04/13/2011

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Wow! What a bad situation you have been put in! Under those circumstances I would have cancelled the meeting too. It is now become an issue of safety for your child, and you have your daughter's best interests in mind.

Catherine - posted on 04/13/2011

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Just wanted everyone to know that we did agree to a visit at the agency. The news is just unholding now but it appears that my daughters BM is in the news currently for trying to sell her unborn baby. This baby is now born and my daughter has a sister. We are so upset at this point that we have now decided for the protection of our daughter not to have this visit. If everything happens for a reason I hope that we are able to find her sister and make this a happy ending story.

Amber - posted on 03/07/2011

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In high school I dated a guy who was adopted. And he found out about it while we were dating. It was a huge shock to his system and he second guessed everything he had ever believed in his life.
He always told me that he wished they would have old him from the beginning. And he always wondered if his parents wanted to see him; it was a closed adoption.

Just from going through that experience with him, I would say tell her early and let her BM attempt to be a part of her life.

I agree with the other moms that you should try to meet her without your daughter first. But as long as she is stable and doesn't seem to have ulterior motives I would let her have supervised visits.

As somebody else asked, do you really want to have to tell her that her BM tried to find her and you stood in the way when she's old enough to be curious?

Catherine - posted on 03/07/2011

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We've had my daughter since day 2. I have been told by the agency that she has been coming up a few times during the year but she was homeless so not until she was in a resident and cleaned up did they ask us for a vist. Also this was semi-open but given the circumstances no vistation rights were discussed during the adoption so its totally up to us. I have since the very beginning sent letters to the BM twice a year and every month I send pictures. I never even knew that she was coming up to the agency until recently. Not sure if that is lack of communication with the agency to us or their policy not to let us know?

User - posted on 03/04/2011

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I would meet with the BM first without the child present. See what her intentions are and get a feel for her. How long have you had your daughter now? I would wonder why all of a sudden now does the mother want a visit. I also take it that it was an "open" adoption and not a "closed" one. At this age I personally think that it would just confuse your daughter to meet her "real" mother when she thinks of you as her "real" mother. Honestly I would wait on the visits until she is old enough to make that decision on her own if she wants to meet her BM or not. You can still stay in contact with the BM if you want by letters and pictures in the mean time if you decide to do that.

Kirstie - posted on 03/04/2011

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Agreed, if you can meet her first that would be better especially given her background. I would also insist that any visit be supervised byt wither youself/ hubby or an agency worker. I know how hard it is to make this decision.

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I agree w/ Amanda. If you do decide to meet w/ her I would not have your daughter present at the first meeting.

Catherine - posted on 03/03/2011

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not sure but we are meeting with the agency sometime this month to discuss our feelings and concerns for the meeting.

Catherine - posted on 03/03/2011

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We do know of the mother's background which the reason for adoption was she was an extreme alcoholic, was homeless, and prostituting at the time. I do believe people can change and I can only thank her so much for giving us the opportunity to adopt her because in today's world there are so many women that are not making that choice and harming their children. That is one reason why I feel I owe her this meeting. My husband is concerned with what she will say during the meeting and we would want to set our limitations and to what is said. The main concern is her mental state. I would assume the agency would not even suggest a meeting to us if they felt she was not better organized in her life but that still bothers my husband. The fact she does not have any living sibilings worries him also even though it is a rule with the adoption that she can not have personal contact with us and that everything goes through the agency.
I don't want to cause problems between my husband and I because we do differ on when the meeting should occur. I suggest having the meeting now so its easier to set our boundaries and as she gets older she will be more comfortable during the meetings if they continue to see each other. My husband feels that my daughter should be the one to choose when to meet her. I don't want to push this meeting on anyone but given the birth mothers background theres a good chance she can backslide to her old behavior and how terrible I would feel if something every happened to her.

Kirstie - posted on 03/03/2011

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I think you need to have some background on the birth mom before you make this decision. My daughter is adopted and my son is a foster/adopt still going through court. We don't hide the situation from them but once the court required visitation stopped we would not allow them to see the birth mom at this point. In our case there was a reason they were removed so we don't want to subject them to anything or anyone that could cause harm. You can request medical information without seeing her. In the end it's up to you but I would highly recommend getting some background first to nkow if she is going to be a risk to your child. Also depending on what she may say it could cause confusion that you need to be prepared to deal with after the fact. If my kids want to find their birth mom later inlife I'll help them hoping that her life has changed but for now and for my kids it's better not to see her.

Medic - posted on 03/03/2011

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I am adopted, was adopted at 4 days old. I was always told that I was adopted and "chosen" by my parents. I have always known who my birth mother was and have an amazing relationship with her. My birth father on the other hand has filp flopped and ultimately decided he didn't want to meet me. My son has been adopted by my husband, the only father he has ever known and at 4 he knows. To me personally I feel that it is better to have this be "normal" than springing it on her later. I am very thankful that my parents facilitated the relationship with my birth mom and encouraged one with my birth father. There were ups and downs, I was angry and I had to work threw my emotions with and without my parents help. I personally would not have it any other way because I feel that my parents were as open and honest as possible and in the end they could not protect me from all the pain and hurt I felt over it. As an adult my birth mom is my best friend and sometimes is the only one that understands what I am going threw because we have very similar medical background. If the mother meets her and later decides she does not want to visit anymore then you atleast tried and you never withheld her.

Erica - posted on 03/03/2011

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I have never been in this situtation, but my suggestion would be if you decided to do this, Make very clear what is and is not accepted.

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