Adult Aspergers son and challenging behaviour

Jackie - posted on 12/21/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Just wondered if there are any mums out there can help with managing the challenging verbal abuse I receive from my adult son. 21.
He received a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome when he was 4.
In the UK it was a near impossibility to get recognition but even with help nothing could have prepared me for the dreadful things he says to me now and blaming me for everything.
He has never had a job in his entire life and support here is very poor because he refuses to acknowledge his condition or accept help.
"We' are all to blame and we are all the ones who need help!
I feel I am being driven out of my own home and fear for the emotional affects it is having on my youngest child who is 13 and very anxious for a normal and stable background.
Any advice and support would be greatly appreciated.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/22/2015

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So, basically, he went through what it seems that every young person does around the 18-19 YO stage, but rather than pushing him forward and encouraging him to continue to be productive, somehow he was allowed to wallow and sink backwards.

I'm still not seeing this as related to Aspberger's. Yes, my son at times takes a little more encouragement, but it's mainly to get him to move forward with a choice he has made, and he's fine. However, he is not willing to take responsibility for himself, and at the age of 21, he's an adult. At this point, you cannot legally do or make him do anything.

Why do you say that you'd have social services on your back? Your son is a legal adult. Your responsibility for him stopped at 18. Social services cannot hold you responsible unless there is a conservator's agreement, or you are legally designated as the guardian of a low functioning adult. since Aspberbers is not a low functioning syndrome...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/22/2015

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Being on the Spectrum does not excuse his behaviour, and he should have been corrected LONG before now.

I, too, have a 21 YO Aspberger's kid...and absolutely nothing like this goes on. Why? Most likely because I didn't allow the diagnosis to change how I raised him. We had the same expectations and conditions for him as we did his younger brother.

You need to let him know that his behaviour is not acceptable, nor has it ever really been. You need to let him know that he either goes to group sessions or therapy to learn to handle his condition, or he gets out of your home until he's willing to recognize his condition and manage it. You give him the resources necessary (names/locations of aide centers, etc), and you stick to your guns.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/23/2015

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Sounds as if the system is different for you in the UK. I would agree that further assessment is needed, because the Aspberger's on its own would not lead to alot of these issues.

Jackie - posted on 12/22/2015

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He is becoming very good at water colours. He can strip a cycle down and rebuild it so we are now identifying some clear strengths.
The next step I feel is some sort of supported workshop initiative. Its again down to funding and resources over here.

Jackie - posted on 12/22/2015

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Yes I am responsible for his care being a vulnerable adult. They are working towards independent but supported living. I can't just throw him out. Asperger's is just one of his conditions. He is not 'sectionable' but is not as high functioning as his brother.
He has been identified as risk of unintentional self harm/neglect.
Hence I think he needs a thorough reassessment.

Sarah - posted on 12/22/2015

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None the less, he is not being abusive to you because of the AS, he is being awful to you because you tolerate it. Rather than rely on the diagnosis of depression from his GP, he really need to be seen by a psychiatrist. AS adults often have a flat affect and describe a lack of pleasure in life which can be misinterpreted as depression. He can speak to you respectfully, or he can keep his thoughts to himself. I understand that service may not be ideal but he his probably capable of some sort of job. What are his strengths?

Jackie - posted on 12/22/2015

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Thank you. I have tried a lot of what you recommend and I have 2 other sons. One also has a diagnosis of Aspergers. He doesn't behave this way and has been brought up in the same fashion we don't tolerate verbal abuse but i am not allowed to throw him out or social services would be on my back PDQ.
Philip has oppositional issues and I sometimes wonder if they got his diagnosis wrong. Maybe it is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) or Oppositional Disorder as it is known in the US. Thanks for your input though as i do think focussing on his positive areas will help boost self esteem.
Next year my SW wants to focus on finding him someone he can sound off to rather than me. It does seem I get the brunt of it all and he clearly feels he can predict my response and 'It's safe'! .....So I need to alter that too.

Raye - posted on 12/22/2015

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He does it because you let him. He needs to respect boundaries and display manners just like everyone else. You are both adults, and both of you should be acting like it. You think (and probably treat him like) something's wrong with him. Treat him like a person, not a diagnosis. Don't try to "fix" him. Truly try to help him. AS is not "wrong" just different. Try changing your approach. What are his strengths? What things does he do well? Does he like drawing or music? Does he focus on a task and not stop until he gets it right? Is he good at math or science or other "logical" pursuits? Maybe you just need to find out how smart he is and urge him to grow in that area. Focus on his ability, not his disability. Many people with AS can learn to compensate for their social ineptitudes and function very well on their own. They just need people around them to build up their esteem, show them how smart they are and believe they can succeed.

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