adult child living at home

Susan - posted on 09/03/2016 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I have an adopted 27 year old single mother living at home, I provide food and clothing for them both, she works but makes only a small income. She does help (although unwillingly) around the house but my problem is her room. It is disgrace, messy and all the clothes I provide are stuffed into drawers or lying around the room. I feel like going in, removing all the clothing, but leaving 3 days worth, which she will have to wash and wear. Any thoughts or advics, it's driving me crazy. Ps I am a clean freak but she knows this pps no man about the house, I'm widowed

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Michelle - posted on 09/03/2016

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She's 27 years old!!!!!! You should have been on her back about it 10-15 years ago, not now.
Yes closing the door is fine, she's an adult and if she hasn't learned how to live in the "big, wide world" by now, she never will.
You are babying her. She should be out of home supporting herself since she has a child of her own anyway.
Clothes on the floor won't harm the structure of the house. Like I said in my earlier post, it's not like she is leaving food around that is going mouldy and attracting mice.
If my Mother took away my things when I was an adult I would be furious. That's probably why I moved out when I was 18 and have never lived with my parents since.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/03/2016

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For God's sake!

This "child" is, in fact, an adult!!!!!

Since you seem to think that allowing her to live in your home is what you want to do, do you have a clear contract with her outlining both your and her responsibilities and expectations? If not, why not?

You say that "if we don't teach them right from wrong". The time for teaching was those formative years when she was growing up, from the time that she started to explore the world, until she was 18. If you adopted her as a child, then you had that time to teach her, and it is plenty of time. Having two adult children of my own, one who has been on his own for 3 years now, and the other currently checking into affordable flats since he graduated, I can tell you that your window of teaching is now over.

Her space in your home is hers. She gets to keep it as she wishes, unless you have a clearly stated written contract states differently. If it is only her room, and not spilling over, ignore it, or get a contract in place.

She should be paying room and board as well.

She is an adult with a kid of her own. Stop coddling her. Help her find a job and a place to live, and let her live her life.

What "culture" are you referring to?

Dove - posted on 09/03/2016

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She's 27 years old. The time for teaching her to take care of her room is LONG gone... what she teaches her own child is up to her. You can certainly instill some good housekeeping habits in him by having him be responsible for his belongings in the rest of the home, but leave their space alone.

Not having a clean room is not going to harm her out in the 'big, bad world'... I've been living on my own for a long time and my room is a mess. Who cares? I'm still raising 3 successful kids on my own.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/04/2016

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Is she mentally disabled? Even in Africa, as I stated, 18 is the age of majority, and an adult cannot be adopted, unless there are mitigating circumstances.

Susan - posted on 09/04/2016

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Thanks, but yes I have the adoption contract, things are different here, no I did not feel sorry for her and just take her in, I've known her for some years. She made a mistake yes a 27yr old mistake and her own parents disowned her. We are striving that she gets ready for employment when the baby is finished breastfeeding and then I'll be the sIngle grandmother ha ha

Dove - posted on 09/04/2016

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You don't adopt a 25 year old.... We all assumed you adopted her as a child and actually had a part in raising her. All you did was take pity on a homeless adult (nice thing to do, but you are in no way obligated to her). You should have written up a contract when she first moved in detailing how much she would pay in rent and what the household rules and responsibilities would be. A contract isn't 'forward'... it's standard for an adult living in a home that they do not own. She needs to be responsible for her own life and expenses. Yes, helping out someone in need is GREAT, but you are under no obligation to finance her and her child completely as you've been doing. She needs to work towards getting a job that will finance her life and that of her child a whole lot more than just pocket money... rent, food, their own clothes and other necessities. Again... helping is GOOD, but you aren't helping her by not insisting that she strive for and acheive more financial independence.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/04/2016

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You did not adopt a child, you took in a homeless adult. Even in Africa, the age of majority is 18. Therefore, she is NOT a child, and you need to stop treating her as one, for her own sake. Help her gain the skills to be a productive adult. Quit providing everything!

Of course she is not motivated to be more, you are her money tree.

Susan - posted on 09/04/2016

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Thanks, although I am British we live in West Africa. I adopted her 2 years ago when she was pregnant, homeless and pennyless she has a small job a few hours a day locally trading and uses this as pocket money. I take care of the rest. The reason I am appealing to this post is that I have not been in this position before, I taught my 1st child these values when she was young and had no such problems and the way to solve such problems here is to beat the child and yes at 27 here they are still children. So once again thanks it seems that the written contract seems to be way forward

Susan - posted on 09/03/2016

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Perhaps our views differ because of our cultural differences but when my mum asked me to do anything I readily obliged and have brought up a lovely daughter with 2 beautiful grandchildren whom we love each other dearly, so I guess I didn't do anything wrong with number 1, Perhaps I'm just worrying too much about no. 2, as I only want the best for my wonderful family.

Susan - posted on 09/03/2016

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Thanks, but if we don't teach them what's right and wrong what will happen when she goes out into the big bad world, also her child shares the same room is it OK for him to think this way is the best way to live?

Dove - posted on 09/03/2016

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She's an adult and that room is her space.... As long as it's not spreading in to the rest of the home and she's not destroying the structure of the room... leave it alone. Shut the door IS the best solution to that situation.

If you do not have a contract outlining the expectations to having her live in the home... now is the time to do so.

Susan - posted on 09/03/2016

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Thank you, but closing the door on any problem, in my eyes, does not take it away

Michelle - posted on 09/03/2016

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Is it really worth it?
Do you have a contract in place with the rules and conditions of her living with you?
Not having a man around is irrelevant, it's your house so your rules.
If she was making a mes throughout the house and leaving food for days etc, then I would say you have a problem.
Her room is her space, close the door and don't go in there.

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