adult children living with you

Darlene - posted on 10/05/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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At my wits end with an adult son (25) who is an absolute slob, has his band in the basement so he practices 3 times a week, I could go on and on but I am so drained that I just can't get into all. When I try and address the situation, he blows up. For example, come home to a sink full of dishes, he washes his dishes as he needs them but refuses to empty the sink. His father and I have tried taking with him, and leaving him notes (to avoid blowups). He works a little food service job and is a struggling musician. He constantly tells us he is moving out as soon as he completes his cd, but it just drags on and on! I hated to do this but I gave him an ultimatum (by note) when I woke up and found that the sink was full of his dishes once again (after I told him yesterday to do his dishes). He can either be a responsible member of the household or he has until Jan 1 to find another place to live. I know I'm doing the right thing, but why does it feel so bad?

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Lady Heather - posted on 09/16/2011

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In my opinion he should consider himself lucky that you have given him that much time. I don't really have a problem with adult kids living at home. I don't understand why anyone would want to stay living with their parents being the independent sort that I am, but I know in some cultures it's totally normal and there's nothing inherently wrong with it.

That said, if you live in the family home then you must take responsibility for it. Being a struggling musician doesn't get you a free pass on house work. I count many struggling musicians and writers amongst my friends and family and none of them live in filth. I also hope he is paying rent. All adults living in the home should be contributing financially and physically to its upkeep. The only exception is stay at home parents who obviously don't get paid for the work they do, but they also tend to do the greater share of upkeep so it balances out.

If he can't understand that he needs to get out of your house and see what it's like to live in the real world because that's probably the only way he'll learn. Do not feel bad!!!!

Pat - posted on 09/16/2011

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I found my answers while working as a substitute teacher in the schools, and after working in my own home day care for years. I obtained my ECE degree, and then, I finally figured it all out by the time they were 30! :) If I had to do it over again, I would have made more boundaries. There were plenty, and we really didn't have much trouble keeping them. Our kids found their way. That said, you need to sit down and write a rental agreement first with rules...yours-- it's your house. (we did, too) He should have the band only the days and hours you specify. He should be working a job to support his rent which covers his food,car insurance and gas. If he won't do the dishes, have him buy paper plates and cups, and just do the pans. The option is his eating out. The sell locks for refrigerators. The first time he leaves dishes in the sink, raise his rent. You can always change the locks. I would do this before the January deadline and sit down each month to discuss the progress. If he yells and refuses to cooperate, change the locks. It's your house after he's 18. He can always room with all of his friends. He might like that. Any therapist would tell you that. Maybe even that's a good idea for the family....counseling. They are wonderful for helping us parents out. We all feel guilty, but it's our job to get over that, and get them ready for the outside world, or we are helping them to be dis-functional. Those are our parental choices, I guess. Don't forge to talk to him when he's calm, not when he's yelling. That's his way of coping with this situation, and not dealing. A long letter helps if he won't listen. Short, sweet and to the point..."Read this whole document, or the house door locks will be changed after your belongings are put in storage. Come and talk to us on this date and this time"... is a good way to start and get his attention real quick. If you think this sounds way too strict, that's the way they do it in school, as well as in a job (there's the door, son) so he can take it. They give them choices.,..he makes them and deals with the consequences. Really. God Bless..parenting is the hardest job there is!

Jenn - posted on 10/05/2010

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I think you have been MORE than fair - he has 3 months to find a place to move to. I can't say I would be so kind.

Julie - posted on 10/05/2010

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GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!! He is 25 and neesd a little nidge to grow up. As a parent it isn't be easy to hard on our kids, but you are doing him a favor believe it or not you are forcing him to see reality and grow up. What if something ( God for bid) happened to you and your hbusband what then. If he is blowing up at you, that to me is a sigh=n he really needs a swift kick in the ASS. Next tiem he looses his temper with you and disresoects you pack his things up and put them bu the door and tell him he has a choice to appreciate you or get out. Him living at home and you helping is great for you but what about him? Is he learning about life? Being a parent sucks on sooo many levels on sooo many occasions, and this happens to be one of them. Be strong and stick to your " guns" in the long run it will help him.
I am not saying don't support him in his endevers though. Encourage him to contimue his dream of having a successful band, BUT still help him get a dose of reality by getting a good secure job. Remember you won't be around forever what will happen in 30 nyears when you and your husband can't help?

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