Adult children who live elsewhere and never call
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I have tried to keep in contact with my almost 19 year old who's moved out, but she very rarely answers her mobile to me. She joined FB, so I tried to friend her and her boyfriend, but both of them deleted my friend request. I tried again and the request was again deleted. Apparently, so I was told, I am below her coz I am on a Disability Pension... I have PTSD and severe depression from the large number of rapes over the years. She now considers her boyfriend's mother as her own. She has worked this year and saved enough money to travel with her boyfriend and family to America for their annual holiday. This is great news, I just wish I'd heard it 1st hand instead of 2nd and 3rd hand from her other siblings after I asked them if they knew anything new. Plus, my 17 year old daughter, her sister, has also just left home, 30th Oct, and is now living with her father instead of me. At least she chats to me and is still my friend when I ring her. I miss them both soooo much.
I grew up being forbidden to speak to my parents coz I was the whistle-blower against my father. I soooo wanted to have children who wanted to keep in contact and thought I had done a good job... but apparently not.
I have 2 other children in their early 30s and have difficulty with contact there too. I have a grand-daughter as well, but my eldest daughter doesn't do the contacting.
Being unwanted by family is very painful. I have tried and tried and tried, but it's all just too hard for them to cope with me, so I've been told.
Julie - posted on 12/06/2009
I am in the same boat with U and I have not figured this out either. I think they are just selfish and I am ashamed to believe they act this way. I also think Mother's and Father's have complained about this same thing for generations. I miss my grandchildren more than my own since they are grown and I know I taught them well how to care for themselves. My daughters cell does not work out where she lives very well and it snowed around 10 inches or so a few days ago. My other daughter calls and my son well he is another one who forgot his Mother, but Christmas is coming and I am sure they will be expecting something even though they do not give anything in return. I may have taught them not to give back to me.
Melanie - posted on 12/07/2009
I would call them and let them know you miss them and have been thinking of them.
Don't drill them as to why they haven't called, just say I know you're busy with your
own life, I just wanted to touch base with you. I had another Mom tell me she has the
same experience with her adult children - she said she learned to text them - they respond pretty quickly to that where they don't to voice messages. Just a thought.
Glenda - posted on 12/06/2009
no news is good news; however, send emails several times a week and leave messages on the phone. Forward jokes, cut out local articles from the newspaper and mail them with a note .. miss ya, thinkin' about you ... etc. Funny cards. Time does fly when they are young adults. Jobs, boyfriends/girlfiends, school, socializing is their focus right now. But they may notice you haven't made an effort, either, if you fail to contact them.
This conversation has been closed to further comments
Kelly - posted on 12/12/2009
Ok from the kids point of view it seems to depends on boys and girls.
Im 26yrs and in another country to my mum... we are best friends so we are always in contact through skype and she calls meofen as its cheaper for her to call.
My brother 28yrs and its very hard to get anything from him. He is in UK mums in NZ.
You might get a email once a month if your lucky to say hes alive and well and thats about it. Normally calls are only xmas and birthday and if mum gets very worried about him.
Im in Australia and couldnt live without contact with my mum so to all you mums out there... Call your kids. Normally its cause its cheaper and you can afford it more then the kids the calls.
Email regularly and phone a few times a year - that way you know whats happening with them :) and your not worried sick.
Peggy - posted on 12/07/2009
When I married I moved four states away from my family. We were poor and there was a time we did not have a phone. Bur I missed my family and I called my parents or siblings each week or they called me. Phone rates were higher ( no cell phones) then. The same with my in-laws, although I had to remind my husband to call them.
I envy my siblings and friends whose children call them two or three times a day. My cell phone rarely rings. My daughters-in-law call or e-mail their parents almost daily.One talks to her sister everyday (live in different states.)
I read a lot of "they are so busy".or too busy". But was your parent to busy to take care of you or take you to your events when you were young?
A relationship is like a garden it needs cultitavating and watering from both sides.
A phone call from children to parents far away " says I love you and think about you." That could be the highlight of their day.I have good children and I call them, also, but not everyday and maybe not every week.
Liz - posted on 12/07/2009
Call them of course! When I was living away from home I would totally not think to call my parent's, why worry right? But now I realize how selfish that was of me. My mom always called once a week, and yes it was a little annoying but at least I always knew she was there for me. Just a quick call can't hurt and it'll make you feel better too!
I would say call them. I go through the same thing with my mother. Not just between us kids, but with her friends too. It seems she keeps track of who was the last one to call. If it was her, she feels that the ball is in the other persons court and they should be the one to call and she will refuse to call until that happens. Hopefully that isn't the case with you. I know it is nice to be thought of and receive a phonecall out of the blue, but the phone does work both ways. As one of the other people said, maybe they can't afford to call, or when they think of calling, it is too late. You will never know until you call. Communication is the key to all relationships. Have you told your kids how you feel? Hope this helps. Please, pick up the phone and call.
Julie - posted on 12/06/2009
I have a 29 y.o. son who needs prompting from time to time, so I sometimes send him a text message "time to call your mum" taken from a telephone company add, I find that usually works within minutes. Children, especially adult ones can be thoughtless sometimes, so you may need to make the 1st move and try and find out if there is some sort of problem that they are too embarrassed about to discuss.
Becky - posted on 12/06/2009
thier busy in thier lives to mama.....relax and if your really that worried call and leave the message...." Hey kiddo .....haven't heard from you in a while and wondering if you fell off the face of the earth......call me and let me know your ok .....love ya.........Mine will always say something like "making sure your still alive....haven't heard from you in a couple of days".....lol......is always make me smile!
Shawn - posted on 12/05/2009
you need to be the example and call and write them. Not sure if you have done this yet. Sometimes kids just want their freedom for a bit before they call home. It's a little bit of letting go and a lot of trusting all those values that you taught them growing up.
Rita - posted on 12/05/2009
I like JoLyn Shreves' advice. If you want to hear your children's voices, you call them and tell them you love them... without nagging or whining about not getting a call. Keep it positive and that will insure that they will look forward to hearing from you.
Chris - posted on 12/05/2009
I haven't heard from my parents for about 2 months (and about 2 months before that and so on), I have 2 little boys, one with autism and I'm really busy with them and meetings about school and doing courses and helping at the local kinder. My parents fight a lot and when they are really bad my mum rings and wants my support, telling me awful things about my dad. I really really wish she just wanted to be with and cared about her grandsons but she can be very vindictive and I want to sheild them from that. I don't call my parents often, although just this week I sent a message saying we were changing one of my son's schools as it hasn't worked out and that I had just finished a course and was going to start a dream job in the new year. All I got back was "goodonya" and "Well, can't help you with that, your decision". Call your kids, let them know you care. I'd love it if my parents did.
Iysha - posted on 12/05/2009
I can't go a couple of days without calling my mom. lol. My fiance however has gone months without calling his mom. I am always asking him how she's doing and he has no idea...says he hasn't heard from her, so she must be fine...If mine didn't call in a week, I'd bo on the phone calling her. lol.
Call them. If you are worried just call. They may be wondering why you haven't called them =]
Doris E - posted on 12/05/2009
thanks but my girl only wants a babysitter,she said i can live wiht her ,take care of the house ,and in the evening stay in my room,no thanks,i want to be a grandma ,not housekeeper,my boy is in the army but only calls wen it is ok with his wife, but wenn he was in afganistan,we talkt on chat evry night ,but wenn he was back,noooooooo more,i askt he said i have my family now,talk to you later ok, well i keep bussy my self,
Carrol - posted on 12/05/2009
IF YOU HAVE THERE NUMBER OR ADDRESS CALL THEM OR WRITE TO THEM AND TELL THEM HOW WORRIED YOU HAVE BEEN NOT HEARING FROM THEM. ADULT CHILDREN GET SO INVOLED IN THERE LIFES. THEY FORGET ABOUT PARENTS TO MAKE PHONE CALLS I ALSO HAVE ADULT CHILDREN BEEN THERE. GOOD LUCK
JoLyn - posted on 12/04/2009
My son turned 18 in April. Just moved to another state to live with his father ( they are just now starting a relationship) It is super frustrating and makes me sad... I was the one raising him and now dad is cool.. argh!! He does not call much, 18 , busy, hanging out with dad, maybe feeling alittle guilt.... I pay for his cell phone so I KNOW I can reach him. I text an " I Love you. Good night" every single night before I go to bed. I know he gets it. He knows I love him. I sleep well knowing I told him I love him. He will call. When he does, I DONT NAG!!!! (as hard as that can be sometimes). Works for me....
Buffy - posted on 12/04/2009
My daughter turned 18 and took off and have only been with her for 2 hrs since Feb.2009. Now she has ran to CA with a girl friend and wont maintain a relationship with me but will maintain a relationship with the horrible ex that was her Step Dad till I left him high and dry with my daughters to safety years ago.I am past worry and just wish her luck is all I can do and see if she will call or reach out to me oneday after she has gotten much older.
Call them, when I moved away from my parents I didn't have the time or money to call, and when I would have the time I'd forget until it was very late at night, and I didn't want to call so late. My parents called me every few weeks, and it was good to talk to them.
Jana - posted on 12/04/2009
I would call. It is probably nothing. They probably are busy and just haven't thought of it. Speaking from a grown child perspective.
It is probably nothing to worry about but as a mother myself (mine are just a lot younger) You will not stop worrying until you know fro sure things are okay.. So pick up the phone or send an email or text. =)
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