Adult children who will not talk to you for no reason...

Mary - posted on 10/03/2014 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I read lots of posts of Moms whose children want nothing to do with them. Very common problem in America.......... was it video games or computers ?

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Moonlight - posted on 11/28/2014

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You hit the nail on the head when you say that Mothers need to carve out their own lives. If your adult children are so self absorbed within their own worlds that they cannot afford you the decency of responding to phone calls, emails, texts, etc., then save yourself the trouble. You've done your part. You've nurtured them, raised them, and you've tried many times to reach out to them in their adult lives. Move on, it will be THEIR loss. Trust me though, they'll probably be back around at the most inappropriate times for you, because usually after they have used all of the other people in their lives, they'll be back down to you. My advice on "that day", lock your doors and have your car keys in your hands. Speak to them kindly but briefly and keep your relationship at an extreme distance. These children are trouble, trust me. I know it's painful, but save yourself.

Moonlight - posted on 11/28/2014

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Blame the Parents, ah, the therapist's tool to cop out and cause further problems within the family unit. It is not always the parent's fault that these children are horribly self centered, sometimes even demonic in nature. A lot of these children do seem to be weak in character and turn to drugs and alcohol as escapes. This also is not the parent's fault, as in our case, we were both sober and drug free parents. Narcissistic children do not benefit from therapy, even if you take them, because as others have stated, narcissistic children have no consciences, they don't ever admit to anything they have done to hurt another human being. They want life easy, they'll throw their own mother under the bus to keep on getting what they want "easy" and they will never take accountability for their own actions. If you become someone who has no more money, or can't be manipulated, watch how fast they will drop you, as their entire purpose in life is to "use others" to make their lives easier. In short, they are users and losers, and no, it's not the parent's fault.

Cindy - posted on 03/03/2015

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Moonlight lady, yes you are so right.. I've dealt with my daughters disrespect, lies and violence for years. She has been abusive toward her siblings also. We try to give her the benifit of the doubt and bam , out of the blue she goes off and begins attacking , making up lies or rather I should say keeps embellishing on the lies she continually tells.. She will later try to make contact and act as though she has done nothing wrong.. She blames everyone else for her problems.. We have grown tired of it.. She's 38 years old and has really made herself the victim always trying to bring more people into her web of lies.. When they realize the way she is they walk away with the feeling that they have been used.. I want no contact and my other children have made their own decisions about any involvement with her.. They have told her that the childhood she claims was terrible is in fact nothing that they have ever lived or witnessed and they all grew up together with my husband and I .. Who worked hard and parented great.. Her problem is her own and it want complete peace from all the drama and lies that she brings into our life's .. I know that there's a process where you can legally give up your adult children which is what I plan on doing.. I don't feel bad about doing it , she has one son who hopefully comes away without problems but they have already started. I hope that she will not be able to have anymore because I don't believe she can parent.. Her behaviors prove that.. Drugs have been a major part of her life and she continues to abuse them.. I wish her no Ill , I just want nothing to do with her. She already had made threats and shows a violent side and I do not trust her.. It may be all words but lots of things happen anymore and sadly a person who commits a crime try's to get off by implying abuse and mental health.. Most times they get caught up in their stories and lies but I'm not willing to make anymore effort. I am done.. I loved and raised my children, there was no abuse and honestly I feel a lot of bitterness.. I'm done with the. 38 year old who will never take responsebility for any of her actions.. And I'm free and happy with my decision .. People should not and cannot judge me unless they have walked in my shoes ..

Shelly - posted on 12/31/2014

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I am not sure what it is, but I am going through this with my oldest child. She keeps my grandchild away from me even though she knows my grandchild misses me and ask to see me. I think sometimes we did too much for them and lost the love and respect somewhere down the line. My youngest child loves us and always wants to be with us so who knows?

Moonlight - posted on 11/28/2014

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I believe it is simply self absorption by the children. I don't believe in all cases that the children may even be aware that it has been such a long time that they have communicated or contacted their loved ones, however, at any rate, they appear to be so caught up in their own worlds, that the loving parents they left behind don't seem to figure in too much, huh. Sad, but true. One thing I do know. To draw a person closer to ones self, pull away from them. Sounds counterproductive, huh. But it really works. By allowing the other person to have lots of space, this actually gives them the freedom to choose and usually helps give you a more positive view to them. I do feel for all parents that their children don't come around or come home, however, I know parents that their adult children failed to launch, and oh, the problems they are having, lol.

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Grace - posted on 01/26/2016

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Or you move away, recreate your life and marry a good man. Interesting that my daughter suddenly had no desire to talk to me once Richard came into my life...also that my son's wife "isn't comfortable" talking to me on the phone and never has been-even before we met & lived almost 2k miles apart, with the phone/internet the only way we had of getting to know each other. My son also sabotaged me going to their wedding by picking a fight w me just b4 the wedding. Now my daughter has done the same thing. What are they, stupid?
Now they want nothing to do with Richard either. But one day they'll want something. That shoe's gonna pinch on the other foot. Or as the old saying goes, payback's a bitch!!

Mary - posted on 10/06/2014

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Stronger,
Oh how brilliantly worded ! Wow what a confirmation of this whole catastrophe.

I went to nursing school , during my last week of exams I got a phone call asking me, "hey Mom, can you clean our house we're moving out of, we'll pay you good money?"

I thought and replied, "Oh I have my finals this week ,honey , otherwise I would love to clean it for you."
In retrospect, I see how he later mentioned that he didn't need me to move to where they were gonna live because she has a huge family and they probably wouldn't need me too much."
Huh ??
Wow.
I realized after the few years when they rarely saw me it probably was all about my earlier financial support and very good monthly support I gave him , which gave him reason to stay near and friendly with me.
After that , one of my best friends from college, her husband quietly said to me, "It seems that while you could help him financially, you were needed. Now , you can be discarded , he married into money, you're not as rich as they are."
Wow.
Talk about sleeping with the enemy..............wow.
I guess it is his loss.
I cannot beg for attention. I was given love and tenderness as a child, so let him be the Lord's student now....
The Lord chastens those whom he loves.
Three disasters in their short time together... and I felt .... 'What is happening Lord?"
Now I think I see a much bigger picture.
Thank you , and God is blessing you in understanding my sister.
I remember before I even got married............... I'm going back to the future !
Enjoy your life, God is in control ! Go find what he has work for you to do now, here and now , pray to your friend, he's always craving a relationship that gets deeper and deeper.
We're really not here all that long.
Life is but a vapor, the bible says.
I love and pray for all of you here. My words from the Lord, his sad and short life is the most wonderful love story ever.

Michelle - posted on 10/05/2014

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Stronger: Only the abusive phone calls lasted a few years. There has been a lot of other things but I don't need to go into it here. I have my reasons for keeping her at a distance. She has also made the choice to stay with an idiot (putting it nicely) just because she wants her house. This man has hurt our family but she has chosen to stay with him. She knows what he has done as well.

Stronger - posted on 10/05/2014

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While Shawnn maybe justified in her approach with her mother, Michelle you mentioned her nastiness was only for a few years; maybe that was a very difficult phase in her life; maybe she was reacting to problems she had with her partner (and those times it does seem as if one's life is ruined by the child because the mom is stuck with the relationship because of the child or has to bear all the responsibilities of the child alone), she may have felt abused or short changed in some way, and children are easy targets for all frustrations; unfair but not mean.. so if it was only for some years and she was good other times, I'd suggest you try to rethink the situation, and see if forgiving her is possible..

Stronger - posted on 10/05/2014

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Mary Ann, sorry about your situation but if what you posted is the complete summary of facts and certain acts of kindness or love from their side have not been overlooked then looks like your son is insensitive and very self centred after all... he has changed from earlier years or this is the real personality, the previous one was need based.. I know of many men who are really monsters as people but their parents never realised that because the children never showed their mean side earlier.... much later as life unfolds the parents have to accept that.. you had no obligation to stay near your son when they did not even wish to speak with you once a week.. he and his wife just wanted the pleasure of feeling you were around if THEY needed you, not the other way around.. the email he wrote about not updating about your life is a clear indicator of his real intentions, and I'd be scared to actually trust them for anything, living near or close.... even if they are our children, there is a limit to how needy we should become or act with them... we are humans and individuals too... hope this helps.. really how does distance matter if there are any emotions involved?

Mary - posted on 10/04/2014

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So, in your opinion, do you think when I moved to the other coast, about a year went by and we went from being very close to an " I don't want to talk to you for two years."
To......" I never want to talk to you again."

He never let me in on the sequential thought processes. I'm going to respect his decision and just not pry or try to establish myself in his life, other than letting him know I'm moving back to that coast to be close and so I can be depended on for ANYTHING THEY NEED that I can be there for.
They are both never needing money, so it would have to be for friendship , grandmothering, etc. ..... I just think my son is wonderful and always will . We were the mutual admiration society............ until last year !
HUH ??
This is just incredible.
His Father just took his own life in Jan. 2014, and he hadn't given me his phone number or address.
I wrote him an email I had found he always had in college, his fraternity , and he did respond.
It was like a knife in my heart.
I'm frozen as to what to write back because he acts like he could not care less in the email.
He sent it again to me when I couldn't even bring myself to write back. His second email was almost like the first one except he signed it with his first name.
They both seemed to be like legal documents.

Mary - posted on 10/04/2014

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Shawnne,
You have to stop that cycle of abuse. ALL children need lots of attention and care without judging and constant critical comments.
I took two classes in college in Child Psychology. I wanted to be the best Mom , ever!
I remembered reading that children who are not given choices grow up want power.
Children who are bossed around end up being bossy and can surround themselves with those who will do just that.
I know modeling behavior you want them to be was most important...........children do what they observe.
You can look at yourself and just know all of your talents and write them down. Look at the list every day.
Jesus doesn't make mistakes when he creates babies, but parents do. Children who get healthy learn to live without toxic parents in their lives.
I don't blame you , Honey, one bit !!
God bless you every single day and your children too!

Mary - posted on 10/04/2014

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So sorry to hear all the sad relationships. But yes, I concur.
Why continue with a parent who you will never please, or so it seems. Critical or judgmental is cruel to your children.
I'm totally mystified in my own situation because two years ago he wanted to come and visit me with his wife.
Moving so far away I thought it would 'retrain my brain' to understand and rest assured I must move on.
When I lived in the same city , usually when I would call once a week or so , he would say, "Mom , there isn't much to tell you."
I felt like a pain in the neck..... lol , although he could always count on me. I feel moving so far away, he'd last said to me, " You know Mom , that is an awful long way away."
Then my daughter in law who liked me and I love her very much.. although she never did anything with me alone or asked me personally to come to visit them.
She did say, "Don't expect to be close to the (future)grandchildren if you are out there..."
Wow, I knew it wasn't permenant, but I think maybe me moving away was a big mistake.
I had to know I could make it without my son such a part of my life. I think I hurt him by moving away. Now that I made that mistake, I feel like he has emotionally cut me out so I can't hurt him any deeper........... we loved each other and we both found each other funny and we were close.
I wanted his wife to be his one and only , and get close to him without me expecting a phone call or an invite at holidays.
Did I make a mistake moving away ? If I did , his last email to me was, " Oh, and don't update me with your life... "
Among other things. He's just got to forgive me because we never had any argument or anything.
I think it cut him to the quick moving so far away.
I'm open to all comments and I am sensitive.
Thank you to all of you , poor dears , I feel so badly for all of you. My son used to say all the time, "Mom you were the best Mom and all my friends at college say, 'I wish I had a Mom like yours!' He was so proud of me being open minded all his growing years , understanding and involved in every little or big thing, if he wanted me to be.
He was free to say, "Mom, I can handle this , or Mom, let me do this, ok?"
His father and I always respected his opinions and often sought his insight. He's a wonderful, wonderful person......
Wow, just wow........... so confusing.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/03/2014

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Furthermore, considering that none of those posts (at least not the ones I've seen) have indicated country, culture, or location...how can you be certain that it's just in America?

This IS an international forum, after all...

Dove - posted on 10/03/2014

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I'm in my late 30's and have a relationship w/ both of my parents. My brother is in his early 40's and only has a relationship w/ our mom. I'm not entirely sure why he doesn't have a relationship w/ our dad other than distance (though I know that's not IT). Video games and computers have nothing do w/ it as we had no computer growing up... I got my first at 18... and we didn't spend much time on video games.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/03/2014

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Considering that most of the posts that you are seeing are from women in their late 50's-60's age group, and their children (my generation, in other words) grew up WITHOUT computers & video games...

I'd have to say that it could possibly be, as in my case, the way that the mothers treated their children. For example, mine was hateful, abusive both mentally and physically, and continued to be vitreous throughout my early adulthood, which is what prompted me to slim down the connection to only obligatory visits once or twice a year, and to further limit acceptable topics of discussion while we are visiting.

Furthermore, those mothers are, or seem to be, incapable of recognizing that, perhaps, they may have slipped up in their parenting methods. Those mothers seem to think that they are the worlds most wonderful parents. I, for one, have chosen not to continue the cycle of abuse.

Michelle - posted on 10/03/2014

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Well in my situation it was the way my Mother treated me. She verbally abused me for a few years and blamed me for ruining her life. She doesn't remember anything about that time though and thinks she was the model Mother.
The only reason I still talk to her is for the sake of my children. Why should they suffer?

Stronger - posted on 10/03/2014

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Hi Mary Ann, this could be because the children maybe overwhelmed by various problems/ stresses in their own lives: professional or personal problems, and they feel they can take their moms for granted, shutting down for long periods. These children should come around by the age of 40 or 45 years as they start to age, become parents, realise the emotions of a parent and re-prioritise things in their life.

Others could be because of a relatively (real or perceived) traumatic childhood where they feel they were not treated well or even abused by their mother.

Some parents are indeed manipulative as well, and children may feel hesitant to engage with them.

The gadgets you mentioned (computer and mobiles etc) may have made this distancing much easier as they are able to distract or engage themselves for extended periods and escape loneliness or other uncomfortable feelings .

Finally, some children themselves have psychological disorders or problems and are simply emotionally unresponsive, insensitive or even abusive.

In any case, I do think moms need to find their own identity seperate from that of being a mother, find meaning in their own lives and live for themselves too specially after children grow up because we cannot rely on children to reciprocate the emotional support they got from us: it is a very unequal relationship, practically a one-way road.

Hope this helps...

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