Adult Daughter can't handle college

Robyn - posted on 11/03/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I have a beautiful and smart daughter who is 20. She attends Community College and is failing. She was on the honor roll and in national honor society but I found out after she graduated that the school held her hand to make sure she did well. As in, people would look at her tests or papers and send her back to fix things so her grades would be good. I guess they figured if she did well I wouldn't be on them. Apparently they were right. Consequently she never learned to recover from failure so she was at a loss when she went on. She is in her third year of Community College, just barely staying on Academic Probation. She is racking up student loans with no direction or idea of what she wants to do. This girl is SMART but she is lost. She also says she could NEVER work at Walmart or a "dead end" job. She is only taking two classes, she risks losing our medical insurance and I am in a panic. She has a "job" making anime video's on YOUTUBE and makes about 400.00 a month as an independent contractor. She has not saved ONE DIME for taxes so I am having to take over her bank account to make sure there is some money to pay them. She cant drive and even if she could we can't afford to buy her a car. I don't know what to do or where to turn. She has an excellent therapist but she doesn't follow through with actions that are agreed upon. I am not sleeping and am always sick with worry over her. She is now telling me she doesn't think she is cut out for school so now without her working we will be on the hook for her college loans. I feel like I completely screwed up raising her. BTW, my husband has Aspergers as well so the two of them just clash like you wouldnt beleive, she gets upset, I have to be the negotiator without the LUXURY of being overwhelmed. We also have a 16 year old daughter with ADHD. She is a real trooper and is working hard in school and succeeding. Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I can do to straighten her out? I am at a total loss and at the end of my rope. I am also dealing with the temper issues everyone else seems to be dealing with. She is at home most of the time but will not clean up after herself or just help out with the house because "we are neat freaks who care more about material things than people" I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel!

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Sarah - posted on 11/03/2015

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If she was in National Honor Society she must be capable of more than you describe. The standards for NHS are very high, require participation in sports, extracurricular activity, community work, volunteering and referrals from teachers. You don't just get in with your grades. Why doesn't she drive? Why are you on the hook for her loans? Unless they are not student loans, and loans you cosigned. Has she met with a tutor or an adviser? Maybe there are trade programs at the college that she will enjoy and do well in. Why do you think her high school coddled her thru school? Why wasn't she held to the same standard as every other student?

Jodi - posted on 11/03/2015

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It is interesting that you say " Consequently she never learned to recover from failure so she was at a loss when she went on. ", and yet.....you are doing exactly the same thing for her. What incentive does she have to get a job (even if a dead end one just to make ends meet until she gets something better) if you are managing her bank account and not making her accountable? If she has no car, I assume you are still running her around. Heck, my son who is still doing Year 12 earns more than your daughter and can afford a car. Sorry, but you need to set up some house rules and a contract with her and clearly outline to her that she is an adult and it is time for her to act like one. If this means having a failure (like being unable to pay her taxes) then she needs to live with the consequences, because that's how she will learn.

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