Adult Daughter Shows No Respect for Mother

Pat - posted on 02/24/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )

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My husband and I divorced when our daughter was still young. I thought daughter and I always got along well. I did all the normal working mom things to be a part of her life including birthday parties, gymnastics, cheerleading, schoolwork, etc... Considering my circumstances, I feel as if I went above and beyond the expectations for an average single mother.
Her dad moved back in with us when she was a teen. He and I remained friendly because I thought it was good for her to have a male role model in her life. We purchased a home together (still friends) and remarried when she went to college.
I am a very stable and reliable individual that held the same job with the same employer for over 35 years. I began to put on some weight and acquired some health issues in the last 10 years. Daughter has made "fitness" her life so she is not happy with me because of my health issues. That opinion has been made very clear.
When she became engaged to be married, I already knew she was close to her boyfriend's mother but her entire attitude changed toward me.
Her "in-law" is a professional party planner, so the engagement and wedding plans were taken from my hands to the point that the bridal gown alterations person asked me if the groom was my only child. Yes, she thought daughter was the in-law's daughter as a result of her flitting around her like a butterfly. I simply replied that "daughter" was my only child.
When asked what color I should plan to wear to the wedding, daughter replied that I shouldn't try to match the wedding party. So, not even a pastel of the same color. In-law wears "exact" wedding party color to the wedding. When asked about it, daughter replies that in-law organized entire wedding and deserved to wear the color. Her dad and I were told to rush to the reception location as soon as the ceremony was over while in-law and family were in attendance for professional photos for the wedding album. At least dad got a father/daughter dance at the reception.
Now, grandchild comes along. Daughter called day after birth to "summon" her dad and me to the hospital for visiting at an appointed time. I told her that dad was at work. I got ready and arrived at appointed time. In-law walks in with entourage and scoops baby up, sits on daughter's hospital bed.
Daughter later tells dad that I lied about the time I arrived and came two hours later and that is the reason the visits were at the same time. I believe with all my heart that she erred and assumed I wasn't going to come without dad then told in-law to come earlier than first invited.
I love my grandchild like nothing else in this world and want to be a part of it's life for as long as I'm here so I am hesitant to confront daughter anymore about being pushed out of her life for fear that she will hold seeing the grandchild over my head.
Birthday party is soon for grandchild and guess who has already designed and had invitations printed? Yep! Should I offer help, offer $$$, offer anything on party? I refuse to be ordered around by in-law any more with special duties than I have already allowed during engagement, bridal showers, wedding, baby showers, etc... Should I plan to go to the party or decline since in-law seems to bring out the worst in me?
Daughter and I currently "get along" superficially. I never, in my wildest dreams, expected I would be treated as she has treated me since she acquired her "new family". Her dad can "do no wrong" and he is afraid of any consequences for speaking up for my hurt feelings.
She has stated that just because I had horrible parents that didn't mean I had to be a horrible parent and that I should not "pat myself on the back" for doing what all parents are expected to do.
Do I simply accept that she will one day appreciate the environment she was raised in or should I just ignore her and enjoy playing with my grandchild? I don't like the "getting along" superficially and feel like a fake when I smile and just go on. I shouldn't allow the situation to eat at me as it does because that just hurts me but I cannot overlook it easily any longer.

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Dawnita - posted on 02/24/2014

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Oh hunny! I feel so bad for you! >hug< There is obviously something at the root of this. Bitterness often ends up pointed in the wrong direction. 1st, remember, because of the health problems you are facing right now, you are probably taking things more personally than you would otherwise. If you looked back through the years, you'd probably see where the attitude has always been there, but you missed it or let it slide. 1st, if you haven't read Gary Chapman's book on the 5 Love Languages, I'd start there. Find out what hers is and start giving love in the way she recognizes it. Also figure out what yours is, so you will understand better how she's missing the mark. My oldest and I are polar opposites and for years I was giving her "words of affirmation" thinking I was building her up, yet all it was doing was tearing her down. I also felt like she hated me because I never received any words of affirmation back from her. Her's was actually Quality Time, which is on the bottom of my list, and very hard for a mom of 6... I'd almost bet your love language is quality time and your daughters is words of affirmation. She being busy in all those activities as a child gave her quality time to friends instead of you... It may not be that way, but this may help point you in the right direction. You both probably also have some unresolved conflict. She with her dad & you, and she has chosen to show him forgiveness since he wasn't the one there day-to-day, disciplining, correcting, and training her. You may also have some unresolved conflict from your past. IBLP.org has some very helpful resources that might help you understand yourself better and how to proceed without further hurt. I will be praying for you this week Pat.

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