Adult daughter strife

Michelle - posted on 01/13/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )




My 21-year-old daughter is so mean to me. We were very close up until the age of ten when her dad and I got divorced. Dad moved away and never contacted her again, and never sent child support. I always felt like I was the blame for this. "If I weren't so crazy, perhaps dad would not have left," was one of her responses. We no longer live together. During her week long visit she was very rude, rolling her eyes at me, critiquing ever move I make, saying mean things to me when my current husband was not in the same room, and telling me, "that's not good enough," when I apologized for how I treated her during her teen years. I almost feel like apologizing made things worse. She used my apology to manipulate me. She used it as leverage and to shame me. During her teen years I did not appropriately handle her rudeness towards me. I yelled and said things I should not have said, and I regret it. I have not done this for four years and I let her mean comments slip. But I feel it's gone on for too long and she's taken it too far. The most recent "kicker" was when she mocked my facebook profile picture (my picture has my hand on side of my face). She had her step sister take a picture of her posing like my profile picture and she did her hair like mine. The only difference was that she had an ugly look on her face. Below the picture she wrote, "bossy ass bitch, bitch, bitch." She did not post it on her page, but she sent it to my step daughter. My step daughter teamed up my daughter and posted it on her facebook page; mind you, this is a 24 year-old married woman! My daughter and step daughter have a history of doing inappropriate things together. When I told her that this hurt my feelings she did not say anything. Finally, after I asked her why she did this and if it made her feel good to do this for me, she told me, "I don't ever want anything to do with you." She's in college. She does call when she needs something. Most her school is paid via scholarships from rowing (which she would not allow me to come watch). I help her with books, pay her car and health insurance and send her some money each month, but she still needs a part time job. She also sucks my sister for money and my sister has lots of it. She has pitted my sister against me as well, but telling her mostly lies, and my sister isn't willing to listen to my part of the story. I don't even want to help her anymore. Is this wrong? How can I send money and gifts to an adult child who is so cruel to me? She clearly said, "I don't want anything to do with you." Recently I had to go to the cardiac unit of the ER. They only send you there when you have stress/bad levels on EKG. I did not ask to be sent there. My daughter said, "I was making it up." I don't know why she would think I would make something like that up. I never told anyone about it, but she happened to be here when it happened (perhaps she was giving me a heart attack)! When she came to visit me she gave me the worst scowl, rolled her eyes, and texted her boyfriend (whom I'm not allowed to meet), and did not talk to me. When she went to the bathroom I asked my husband to take her home because it was making me feel worse. Any suggestions? Do I just give up at this point? I feel like it's the only thing I can do. The nicer I am, the worse she gets. Then if I calmly, yet firmly tell her I won't tolerate her behavior, she tells me and my family I'm crazy. I'm really hurt by all of this.


Jodi - posted on 01/13/2014




She said she wants nothing more to do with you, take her at her word. I know it will be upsetting for you, but this is where you need to be strong. let her know that you are disappointed that she feels this way but you will respect her wishes. And then cut off all funding. Stop contacting her. And wait. Send a message of love and gift on birthday, etc. You may have to wait a long time.

Unfortunately, by your own admission, you treated her badly when she was a teen. These are very formative years, and she may take time to forgive you. In the meantime, maybe some counselling will help you come to peace with that, and come to peace with what you are about to have to do.

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