Adult daughter that was sexually abused by my ex husband as a child.

Priscilla - posted on 10/18/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Diane I hope this is what you want.

My daughter was sexually abused by my ex husband as a child.
My daughter is mad at me for not protecting her as a child. I have said how I am truly sorry. She forgives me then something happens and she's mad all over again. She can't forgive me.
She was around 4 or 5 yrs old.
She first told me when she was around 30. She is now 50 and I'm 72 yrs old. My memories are faded but after trying desperately to help her and wanting to look back to see what I could of missed. I remembered an incident, that now would of raised a red flag. I made the mistake of telling her.
I have been quizzed about what happened by both my son and my daughter to the point of me not being able to answer the questions and worst I change my story. I try so hard to remember. Maybe to hard when asked did you ever see him naked outside the girls door? I said yes but the truth is he had a towel and was coming out of the shower. So technically I did. I feel so stupid.
This is what I truly remember.
He is an alcoholic and I found him passed out on the floor naked in the girls bedroom. The girls were naked and had wet their beds when I asked what was going on, they said that they had taken their pj's off because they were wet. He said he lost his way after going to the bathroom.
I had slept through the night.
I remember calling his sister after he left for work and asking her what she thought of this. She said that when he drinks he often passes out in strange places. She told me that he once peed in her closet, looking for the bathroom. My girls bedroom was opposite to the bathroom. She assured me he was a wonderful man that loved my girls and would never harm them.
My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me. This hurts so much. I don't know what to do. I'm praying for God to help me. I can't sleep or talk about it without crying. The worst part is I know she's in pain. And I can't help her.



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Raye - posted on 10/19/2015

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Sounds like you both need counseling. If she has lived with it this long and not come to terms with what happened, then she may never be able to. She's an adult and can choose not to have you in her life and may not forgive you. But you need to forgive yourself. If you didn't know what was happening, you didn't know. Most abusers become masters at hiding it and they make their victims good at hiding it, too. So, even if there were signs that you didn't see, you have more than paid for it over the years.

Something about memories... you usually don't remember the actual event, you remember the last time you remembered it. In this way, the brain tries to be more efficient by recalling the more recent information first. But it actually leads more to not being able to remember things exactly as they were and contributes to your memories changing over time. This has probably happened for both you and your daughter. She may "remember" a different version of what actually happened, because of both her perspective being different than yours, and also her brain changing the facts over time to be different than your recollections.

She apparently still needs someone to blame, and that may be you. But you don't have to let her continue to beat you up about it. It was too long ago. She needs to get help for herself. You can't be that help for her, because she won't let you. So, you just focus on healing yourself. It's very sad that it worked out that way, but you can't let her continue to drag you down.

Crystalbarrett1290 - posted on 10/18/2015

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I'm so sorry! U didn't realize but now u do. She should forgive u. I was touched when I was little. I tried to tell my mom but I was scared. I told my sister and she told my mom. My mom kicked him out! But I'll always remember but I do forgive even tho it's hard! I'm praying for u and ur daughter. Have a one on one talk everyday if u have to. Ur ex husband should know better than that! I don't care if he was a drunk that's wrong.. He should be in jail. His sister should have supported u better instead of saying it's ok cuz that's not! I'm here if u wana talk..

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Priscilla - posted on 10/19/2015

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Hello Raye
Thanks for your analysis of my situation.
I will go to a counselor I guess the ball is in her court now. I live 3,000 miles from her and I'm going to visit and help my younger daughter,( she is having an operation and has little children that I love so much.)They live only about 100 miles apart. I asked if I could go spend some time with her. she said she doesn't know if she could take my visit. My daughter refused to go see a counselor with me.
Your explanation that I have to stop beating up on mysef gave me hope but the pain of her hating me is very hard. She said she doesn't feel anything for me.
It's almost like you gave me permission to move on.
Thank you
Priscilla

Priscilla - posted on 10/19/2015

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Hi Crystal,
Thank you, I am also sorry for all the pain these men cause.
My biggest problem now is helping my daughter get over the past and focus on the future. What helped you get over it? Also did you hate your mom? What does she need from me?

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