adult daughters!

Jeankirschenheiter - posted on 12/18/2015 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I always though I had a close relationship with my 32 yr old daughter. We did lots of fun things together with the kids. Than one day it all changed 2 weeks before Christmas. She doesn't drive and doesn't have no reasoning why she doesn't want to get one again! So I have for many years helped her with a lot of the kids needs.the boyfriend though out the years has been abusive. A black eye and emotional abuse with a bad temper. I have stood by her for thick and thin. It broke my heart when she wasn't going to allow me and her father to have some kind Christmas with the 3 boy's because she was leaving for NYC with the boyfriend for Christmas. But she finally had a conscience somewhere and allow us the boys the weekend before Christmas. I am divorced so my ex husband and I will do aafternoon Christmas with them. We argued about other things too and she refuses to sit down and talk about them and work some of them out. Her only answer is ( it is what it is) I'm so sick of hearing that term. I told her I wanted respect she laughed and walks away! . I am now 59 yrs old and I am not well. I live with chronic back pain and soon I am having back surgery. She knows what I'm going through and is heartless. I don't understand why she's turning on me.

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Jeankirschenheiter - posted on 12/19/2015

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Experiencing my loss right now is difficult, yes it hurts alot, when she needed me it was the best feeling in the world. When we had fun with us and the kids it was great. She couldn't afford things so I pitched in. She told me alot about what her boyfriend said and does, bad or good! I tried very hard to support her and looked the other way when I had to. I Can only hope that one day we can fix this strained relationship but she doesn't want to. Today it's been hard for me to move around and being the holidays I'm becoming depressed. It's feels like the rug has been pulled from under neath me! Now I know how my mother must of felt.

Sarah - posted on 12/18/2015

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I think Shawnn and I are close in age. I have a young adult son, 19 and three younger children. I don't think growing older makes you realize the importance of family, growing up maybe.
I was very blessed to have a wonderful mother. Did we always agree? No, but she supported me at times when I was at my very worst. I was so angry after a personal tragedy 6 years ago, and I was horrible to everyone. She was so patient and just waited, she tolerated my bitterness, cooked for my kids, picked out Christmas gifts for them, did my whole family's laundry and she waited. I got it together and we went back to normal. She had her hip replaced a few months later and I was able to support her during that time, when she was in pain and frustrated with not being independent. She recovered and no longer needed my physical presence and support. If both incidents had occurred at the same time we couldn't have been there for each other, and I think that is where you two are at right now. She is at a low physically, financially and emotionally; as are you. Maybe that makes sense maybe it doesn't.
I was so lucky and I am so thankful that I learned to not leave thing unsaid, or hold onto bitterness. She died 4 years ago Dec. 23, and as much as I miss her I have no regrets.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/18/2015

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Excuse me? "When I get older"??? What is that supposed to mean? My kids are adults as well, dear...Not to mention I also put up with an overbearing mother who did not support MY adult decisions (until recently), who criticized my choice of life partner (who I have been with for over 25 YEARS now), who actually called law enforcement regularly to do a 'welfare check' on me because she didn't agree with my choice to marry my husband.

DESPITE all of that, I still meet her regularly, plan to be her caregiver if needed as she ages, and keep up on her life. Mainly because she FINALLY recognized me as an adult, finally saw that my choices (while not ones she agreed with) were solid, positive choices, and finally started showing me some damned respect.

What it sounds like to me is this: You have not been able to separate yourself from your old role of full time mother and caregiver. You have not been able to give your daughter the space she needs, and you may possibly have overwhelmed her with your 'helpfulness'. In other words, her actions now may be telling you that it's truly time to back off. I get it. It hurts you that your adult kids don't need the same level of care as your minor children did. But it's a fact of life. Or, to use a phrase...It is what it is.

As I stated, if you TRULY feel there is a situation that is dangerous to the minor children in the home, then you need to take steps. However, if it is just your daughter not going along with what you think she should do because you are older and 'know better'...it may be time to find another hobby.

Yes, this probably isn't what you want to read, but there's your situation, from your daughter's approximate point of view. It took a lot of time for my mother and I to work through our differences, and part of that time was an entire year of NO physical contact, and only one phone call every 3 months. You see, I HAD TO DO THAT to get my mother to realize that she needed to let me be the adult that I had been for years...and for her to realize that she could be a wonderful grandparent and asset in my kids' lives if she backed off on the controlling side.

Jeankirschenheiter - posted on 12/18/2015

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Absolutely respect goes both ways, she called me all the time to help her to babysit when she was working, take the kids to the drs, school conferences for her,shopping, I spent the night so she could go to a wedding in nyc for 3 days. The children would not have beds or dressers if her father and I didn't buy them. When you get older you will understand that the only thing that is left when we leave this earth is family.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/18/2015

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Church family is a very viable alternative for something like post surgery arrangements, Jean.

I do understand you wanting family there, truly I do, but it may not be beneficial to you, if everyone is at odds!

Jeankirschenheiter - posted on 12/18/2015

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Ok, that's somewhat true, she doesn't take care of herself! Doesn't go to the Dr's when needed, doesn't eat well, drinks those power shot caffeine drinks a lot. I guess I don't feel like I'm needed or wanted anymore too. I have 2 other grown sons but they far away with there families and problems, she gets angry that they don't share some of the issue which I understand. My impending surgery has me looking for alternative people for help and I don't know who that might be but maybe I can talk to my pastor or church members to help me get home from the hospital after my surgery. These days they will not release anyone without a family member or friend!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/18/2015

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So, you're angry with your daughter for what? Not "wanting" to change her situation? or not wanting to be more involved with your situation?

I agree with what the others have stated so far. Most parents don't seem to understand that, just because they chose to do certain things, or chose to have a certain outlook doesn't mean that their adult children need to share their outlook, or do things the same way.

Rather than pressure your daughter about how inconsistent and irresponsible she's being, let her know that you love her, you're there to help if needed, and then back off. She's indicated that she's not you, that she doesn't have your mindset. In addition, she may be dealing with an abusive situation at home, and if she is, she doesn't need you trying to add a guilt trip on top of that.

You made a choice with YOUR mother. You decided that it was in your best interest, and hers, for you to help with caregiving at the end of her life. NOT EVERYONE can do that, not everyone is geared to be a caregiver to an elderly parent. Not everyone can overcome what they went through in a relationship with their parents to try to better the situation, and not everyone is as strong as you want them to be in every circumstance.

What YOU have to do is recognize that your daughter has a different level of 'giving nature', and accept that. Yes, encourage her to better her situation, but don't guilt her about it. She is, after all, and adult, and she is, presumably, able to make her own choices in life. You may not AGREE with her choices, but they aren't yours to make.

If you feel that the grandchildren are in an abusive situation DOCUMENT. Document everything, and if it comes time to prosecute, you'll have documentation.

Oh, and one more thing: in order to GET respect, you have to GIVE respect...

Sarah - posted on 12/18/2015

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Your angry at her for not meeting your needs when she may not be meeting own needs first.

Dove - posted on 12/18/2015

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But that's you and your mindset... and your daughter doesnt have to share it.

She is stuck in an abusive relationship and her actions and decisions are not likely to make any sense to someone on the outside looking in.... because they are the actions and decisions being made by someone conditioned to accept abuse.

Jeankirschenheiter - posted on 12/18/2015

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We were once a family. My feelings on it is that we only have one mother and we never know when our time is up. When n my mom passed at the age of 95yrs old in 2014 I spend the last 3 weeks of her life taking care of her at my brother's / sisterinlaws. We didn't always have a good relationship when I was growing up but I learned to respect my mother and call her when I could to just talk awhile. As the saying goes we didn't give up on them when they were little ,so don't give up on them when they get old!

Sarah - posted on 12/18/2015

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@Jean:
"She knows what I'm going through and is heartless. I don't understand why she's turning on me."
You just described the emotional and physical abuse she is enduring. As well as her own health issues and financial troubles. If she is being emotionally manipulated by this man, she has enough on her plate to deal with without accusations of "turning on you".

Jeankirschenheiter - posted on 12/18/2015

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Yes I've tried many times to get her to leave him but she refuses. She did leave once when the first baby was born and had a black eye. At the time I was still married to her father and we took them in to get her help. Then she went back to him. The emotional abuse continued he tells her she is a asshole.I've noticed that a lot of his bad behaviors have rubbed off on her. Like yelling, smoking pot, drinking. She doesn't drink a lot anymore because of pancretitus put her in the hospital. She was the only one able to keep a job while he stayed home and did nothing. And get in trouble with the law. He can't keep a job either, he works under the table for a lot of immigrants that pay him to remodel their homes. She is on section 8 for housing and he's not supposed to be in the house so during yearly inspection she hides his stuff and he disappears.His dope habit is a problem to. I found a dope tall dope plant growing hidden in the back porch closet!

Michelle - posted on 12/18/2015

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You've said the boyfriend is abusive, have you stopped to think maybe he is trying to alienate her from you? That's what abusers like to do.
Don't automatically think it's her. If he's like you say then she should have left him years ago! You should have tried to get her out of the situation. No woman should have to live with an abuser.

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