Adult son blames us for his problems

Unsell - posted on 05/12/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Our 35-year-old son hasn't spoken to us for over a year now. He has 3 sons of his own, and we are VERY close to them. They love to come to the house and spend time with "Mimi and Papa." Bob was a very tough teenager. He was an only child until our youngest son was born when he was 12. He never cared about his little brother, nor spent time with him. He was always a self-centered child, although we encouraged sharing, caring, and a work ethic. At age 15 he was discovered smoking marijuana and skipping school. I was in school full time and handed a wonderful job at the hospital after graduation. I saw Bob going in the wrong direction, so my husband and I decided to put my career on the back burner in order to help him get on track. It didn't help. He ended up in juvenile hall after 2 years of us trying to get him straightened out. Drug use turned into hard drugs, lies, ditching school, and was put onto probation after getting into a fight at school. I was exhausted and had a 4 year old. By the time Bob was 18 he had burned so many bridges that even our pastor had given up other than "tough love." We couldn't have the disruption in our home anymore, so we put him out. My parents took him in 500 miles away, and he put them through 2 more years of hell. Got arrested, thrown into jail, more lies, etc. At age 20 he came back to our area. His dad (my husband) gave him an opportunity to work in his trade. He put him in the union, got him started, and hired him (another fresh start). Within 5 months he complained, flaked out, and said that his dad was unfair as a boss. He quit and we moved 50 miles south of our hometown. He got his gf pregnant, and after the baby was born, she showed up on our doorstep afraid (he was back on meth) and didn't know what to do. We took her and our sweet grandson in. When Bob came around, we offered to pay for him to go to a rehab place nearby that was a Christian recovery ranch. He went, graduated and was given a wonderful job on site on the staff paint crew. They got married and 2 more babies were born. He was back drinking/drugging and lost everything. We took our daughter-in-law in and helped her get on her feet. Bob flaked around for nearly another year. He asked to work for my husband again, and he got back on and they all moved out. Ten years later, we are exhausted. He quit his job twice more, flaked out, caused some dissention at work, and has implied he would sue his dad when he busted open his lip at work. Last year, he said that all we do is scr$w people and that I tried to control their lives. I cannot tell you how untrue that is. I've prayed and prayed for him and sacrificed so much trying to help him and take care of his family when he didn't. He would quit showing up to work, milk unemployment until it ran out, then want to come back. This time, my husband sent him home one day after he made some ugly accusing remarks about the company....Bob hasn't spoken to us since and says we are the worst parents in the world and that he'll never forgive us. He's told my daughter-in-law some lies about the job that she is believing for some reason (I think she's in survival mode). My heart is broken. I love them all. We went to a counselor that he picked, and all he did was yell. The counselor sent us home and said he needed help to deal with his anger. He never went back for another session......What am I to do?

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Unsell - posted on 05/12/2015

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Thank you, Michelle. I know that letting him go is the answer, I honestly do. I guess I'm just crying out from the pain of it all. After loving, giving, sacrificing, and perservering, it all seems as it's been for nothing. I know he is in God's hands. I'm thankful for this website. It helps to be able to vent and release my feelings. My friends are all supportive and many of them have watched this happen over the past 20 years. My husband is as hurt as I am, but we deal with it differently. A mom's heart is fragile, no matter how tough we really are. I just hate to ask people to listen to me and pray for me all the time, as it never seems to end. Today is just a tough day because of Mother's Day being Sunday. Our other son loves us and is a joy. He lives on the other side of the country, and Bob lives a mile away. I always envisioned Sunday family days together....it's not meant to be, not now anyway. BUT I do rejoice in my grandsons that love us and come to see us regularly. We are very involved in their lives. We just have to steer clear of Bob. Really sad.

Michelle - posted on 05/12/2015

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As hard as it is, you need to cut off contact with your son. Some people never admit that they way their lives have turned out is because of the choices they have made.
My Aunt is one of those and she's in her 50's. She blames everyone else but herself and most of the family don't spend time with her anymore.
Yes, he needs help but if he doesn't want it then it's a waste of time and money. Let your DIL know that you are there for her and the kids if she wants to leave but don't help him anymore.

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