Advice..am I being unreasonable or is he??

Jana - posted on 05/06/2012 ( 33 moms have responded )

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My 2 children (aged 5 and 7 years) and I will be moving in with my boyfriend of 2 years in a few months.
The kids really like him, and they get along well. But I feel he is often unreasonable with his expectations of my children and feels I am not strict enough with them. I'm sure this is common in blended families.
Our latest argument is about the children waking us up in the morning on the weekends.
He feels our bedroom door should be locked and under no circumstances (other than an emergency) should they knock on the door or disturb us until we get up and come out of the bedroom.
I think its ok for my 5 year old to knock on the door once she is awake. They will often get up and play on their own before waking me...they just knock when they need me for something?
My boyfriend thinks this is such a big deal that he even gave me an ultimatum last night saying that if I am going to allow this, I should reconsider moving in with him!
Thoughts?? Advice??

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/06/2012

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Does he have any of his own children? I am from a situation like you are describing. I would really think twice about moving in with someone that will not respect your parenting style. I LOVE when my kids come and wake us up. Well, just my son right now, daughter is still in a crib, but I enjoy that. I don't want my kids to feel uncomfortable coming into our bedroom in the middle of the night with nightmares, or in the morning to cuddle.

My stepdad was like what you are describing your boyfriend is like. He had a daughter that moved far away when she was young, so he never really experienced young children until he moved in with us. I hated how our lives changed.

YOUR KIDS are your life, not your boyfriend. Think hard about how the change will effect your relationship with your kids, then consider how it will change with your boyfriend essentially being a full time dad. Is he up to it?

Stifler's - posted on 05/07/2012

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Kids will wake you because theyre kids and they need a parent.

Kelina - posted on 05/06/2012

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Locked door? no. I'd never lock my door on my kids. That's something I wouldn't negotiate. Then again, my kids are 1 and 3 and currently locked in their own rooms. I could understand locking the door during sex when you have older kids but not on a nightly basis. Although to be honest, I can't even sleep with my door closed anymore. It gets so hot and stuffy and drives me insane. HAve you tried pointing out to him the safety issue of having young kids wandering around the house? what if your kids decide to just leave one day? Or make breakfast on their own because they don't want to disturb you? I nearly burnt down the house one day with the toaster when I was about 7. Kids that young, no matter how mature still pose a safety risk when unattended. You're their mom. a) they should always have access to you and b) you should be getting up with them in the mornings. regardless of any man. If he has an issue with that then reconsider the move. You're they're mom whether he likes it or not they come first in your life.

Debra - posted on 05/08/2012

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If you move in I believe you will regret it....If he already thinks you are not strict enough that feeling for him will never go away. I have been married for 12 years with a man who thought the same way and it has been a very rough 12 years. My children ( who 1 is grown and the other just turned 18) see him as a very mean man who really had no love for them. I , myself have felt inadequate as a Mother from his constant reminders of how I am not strict enough.... Just saying...think before you leap.

Erin - posted on 05/07/2012

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I would agree with you, you are not being unreasonable! It sounds like maybe you're boyfriend isn't ready to be a father figure to your kids, or to co parent with you. I do think that you should take his advice and re consider moving in with him.

33 Comments

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Sally - posted on 05/10/2012

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Jena, im sorry it didn't work out but you made the right chice. I wish you love and happiness

Kelina - posted on 05/09/2012

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Jana you made a really hard decision, I'm sorry that it had to end. I hope you find someone soon who loves your kids as much as you do.

Ronda - posted on 05/09/2012

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I hope you find someone who will love them as much as they love you. ~hug~ Praying for your little family.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/09/2012

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Jana, I am sorry the relationship had to end. That is always a difficult decision, and I have no idea how much harder it makes it with kids. I really wish you the best of luck, and just know you saved yourself and your kids a lot of frustration.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/09/2012

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Jana, I think you'll feel better in the long run about this. Good Job, Mom!

Jodi - posted on 05/09/2012

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You've done well Jana. I am sorry to hear it couldn't be worked out, obviously no-one wishes this on anyone, but it really does seem for the best. Stay strong, and love your kids {{hugs}}

Jana - posted on 05/09/2012

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Thank you all for your concern and advice.
The relationship is ended. We will not be moving in with him.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/09/2012

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And you're considering still moving in with him?

I wouldn't. He is a controlling SOB, from the sounds of it. Do you want the rest of your life, and that of your children's to be run on his terms?

He's a manipulator as well. "oh, you're such a good mother, that's why I'm so attracted to you"..."You spend too much time coddling your kids" Typical flip flop. Praise you so that you will get to trust him, and then demand that you change.

Put your kids first. If he doesn't like it, tough. I don't care what time they wake up in the morning, if they are accustomed to coming in for a cuddle, let them. I'm not a morning person, but I didn't keep my kids from waking me when they got up. When they got older, they stopped of their own accord.

If you let him start this type of control now, here in a couple of years you'll wonder why you're in such a relationship, and how on earth it got from point a to point b...Now is the time to stop it!

Ronda - posted on 05/09/2012

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RUN AWAY! He obviously has no kids and will not be helping you take loving responsibility for them either. Wake up!! The 5yr old has no business being up alone and if you think a 7 yr old is responsible enough to watch the younger one, forget it! It saddens me for the children's sake to see you compromising. Don't compromise, they have ONE childhood, ONE. Please reconsider for their sake, they have NO control over the situation and it sounds as though he just cannot wait to break their little spirits.

Pamela - posted on 05/09/2012

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LISTEN to what he has told you! If he is making this big a deal about it, I suggest you NOT move in. It is issues like these that can cause a break up in relationships. Children are very sensitive issues.

Perhaps his attitudes come from not having children of his own. It does make a difference in many cases.

I agree with you about the 5 year old. Five is still pretty vulnerable when it comes for attention needs.

If you want to save the relationship, either sit down and THOROUGHLY discuss the issue to find out the basis of his thinking, or simply stay where you are in your separate homes and keep the relationship as it is.

Heather - posted on 05/08/2012

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He should never have given you an ultimatum. That is ridiculous. He should accept you and your kids and your parenting style. I have similar issues with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. He grew up in a very strict household with not a lot of affection. We tried living together for a year and ultimately decided that it was not for us. Surprisingly our relationship has been a lot better since I moved out. No more arguing about how to raise my daughter and now he can spend time with us but we each have our own time. Granted this situation would not work for everyone, but seems to work great for us. It's been a year and a half living apart now and I like it.

Sarah - posted on 05/08/2012

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Tell him to f off. Trying to lay down the law now for something so trivial is disastrous. Have you spoken about discipline? How does he see that happening in the future? Will he just assume because you coddle them that he is allowed to spank them? Seriously, he sounds like he hasn't thought it through. Your kids do not need a man in their life. They need a parent who will make the right choices on their behalf. It can take A huge effort to blend the family, but having a tantrum to get his own way? Would you let your kids do that?

Sally - posted on 05/08/2012

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Don't move in. This is not right. I know people that have been in trouble with the CPS because their door was always locked and they left the children to fend for themselves until they were ready to get their lazy arse out of bed. The kids same age. You also have think of the safety, what will they get in to when they get bored. Id bet he'd moan if they didn't go to bed at night. Well he can't have it both ways. See to to your girls.



Edit for spelling

Robin Jane - posted on 05/08/2012

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Please. Please, Please, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM !



A really good man wouldn`t mind anything the children do, they are your kids.

He sounds like a big jerk that is very immature.

Who the heck does he think he is?

It will be very difficult but for the sake of your happiness and the childrens, just tell him you have changed your mind.

Any man that makes ultimatums like that will only get worse, more bossy, resentful to the children.....

I would never lock my kids out of my room or anywhere else for that matter.

Please stay independant , you will be more stress free. And your children will be happier to, I know that in the long run he is going to make your lives miserable.

He also has no business telling you how to discipline your kids. The very word sounds abusive and controlling. good luck I hope you change your mind.

User - posted on 05/08/2012

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Kick him to the curb or at least out of bed . If you are not in his bed he has no reason to complain about the kids waking you up.

Michelle - posted on 05/07/2012

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My husband is 10 years older than me and sometimes he can be like this as well but it's just a matter of standing up for your kids when you have too. I mean if your partner is reasonable he will listen to what you have to say if he doesn't then that is a big warning sign. Blended families are a lot of work so good luck

Kristin - posted on 05/07/2012

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In every decision I made as a parent, I always asked one important question first...what is best for the kids? Your kids need to feel that they can come to mum any time, no restrictions, no questions, you are always there for them. You bf is a grown man (supposedly). If he can't put your kids first, then he's not ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood. The only thing I agree with him on is...reconsider!

Natalie - posted on 05/07/2012

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I think it is very clear that HE is not ready for yous to move in. in my opinion he should be adapting for you 3, not you 3 all adapting to his rule. its a bit silly i think. I dont believe in the lock on parents door at all.

Stifler's - posted on 05/07/2012

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I don't think he is ready for kids or moving in together and this sounds like an excuse.

[deleted account]

Yes, don't move in with him because he is unreasonable and to give you an ultimatum over this type of minor issue is not a good sign and is in fact a major red flag.

Sylvia - posted on 05/06/2012

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No, it's not you.

Of course, any blended family requires that everyone makes some adjustments. But the burden shouldn't fall so heavily on the youngest members of the family. And issuing ultimatums ... that just seems like a red flag to me :(

Jodi - posted on 05/06/2012

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I'd reconsider it. HUGE red flags here. He is really going to give you an ultimatum over your children waking you on weekend mornings? He'd allow something like that to ruin your relationship? I can't see why they can't knock, you get up to them and he go back to sleep.

Dove - posted on 05/06/2012

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Reconsider moving in with him.



If the two of you are going to live together and be a family and NOT agree on raising the kids, you will always have conflict and trouble. These are your kids and if he is not ok with your parenting style, then either compromises need to be made on both sides or he needs to go. I would not compromise on things that you and the kids are both comfortable with having. THEIR lives should be disrupted as little as humanly possible.



For the record, the only time my bedroom door has ever been locked is for sex. Otherwise, it is always unlocked and my children can come to me any time they need me, day or night. It will remain that way no matter what their ages may be.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/06/2012

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I agree with the idea that your girls should not have to change their habits in any way when he moves in. HE should have to change how he acts to move in with you guys. You are already a family, and he is the addition. Not the other way around. It does not sound like he is ready, and I don't think your girls should need to change their comfort level.

I was about 5 when my step dad moved in. We were no longer allowed in my moms bed, (we did not feel comfortable to do it anyway once he moved in but it was still made a rule) she got a lock on her door, their was certain food and drinks that we were not allowed to touch, and if we were in the middle of watching something and he came in....well...he was in charge. We could not play where we wanted to, make noise, bla bla bla. He is a good guy, but my mom was so worried about him not sticking around she bent all of our needs to make him happy. A grown mans needs were more important than young childrens needs. It sucked. I did not like how my mom changed when he moved in. We eventually got used to it though.

Firebird - posted on 05/06/2012

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You're their mother. It's your job to get up with your kids in the morning. There's no reason he can't roll over and go back to sleep after the kids wake you up.

Jana - posted on 05/06/2012

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Thank you so much for your response ladies! It's reassuring to know that I'm not being unreasonable.
Yes, he has a daughter of his own (she is 13) but until recently they lived in different cities so he never had a lot of experience with her as a young child.
My relationship with my daughters is the most important thing in the world to me and I don't ever want them to feel like they are not allowed to come to me.
I have tried explaining this to my bf. He thinks I am too lenient with them and I coddle them. Which is strange because he says one of the things about me that really impressed him when we started dating was how I was such a good mother.
How do I get him to see it from my (and my girls) point of view?

Michelle - posted on 05/06/2012

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I agree with the other ladies. What time in the morning are we talking about?
I love my kids coming in to my bed in the morning for cuddles. My boys are 11 & 8 and they like to cuddle hubby, even though he is their step father. We then get our daughter (2yo) up and all 5 of us have a morning cuddle.

That's the joy of having children. My hubby didn't have kids before he met me but he accepted that we had morning cuddles on the weekends. I don't see why your children have to change their habbits just because someone new has come into the picture.

Michelle - posted on 05/06/2012

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I think you need to have a long chat with him and explain that at the age of 5 and 7 your little ones still need you to be accessible in case of illness or just to simply help them get breakfast. They need to be able to come to you at any time in order to feel that you are meeting their needs. I would totally rethink moving in with him if he does not understand these things.

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