advice from lawyers and other moms

Erica - posted on 02/12/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My husband has full custody of his daughter(our). The bio mom has been restricted phone call only when My husband can monitor them do to a court order and recommendations from our daughters counselor. OVer christmas break my daughter had to be there for 6 days straigth. She came home and said that she was crying alot because she missed us and doesnt feel she can ask to call beacuse BM gets angry. We decided that we would get get her a cell phone to take and keep hidden so she could txt us or call if she choose to do so. The BM found it and has now told her she is turn it off as soon as she is with her and not to contact us. We can not afford to go back to court over this due to all the other fees we have already incurred.
What are our options and can she tell our daughter she is not allowed to contact us?

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Erica - posted on 02/13/2011

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she is 11 yrs old, we go by the Indiana parenting time guidelines for visitation. And In the state of Indiana there is not an age which a child can choose to go or not. The only way to stop visitation is through the court.

Nicole - posted on 02/13/2011

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hun how old is your step daughter now? if she is 12 or older she should be to choose whether she wants to visit her mother or not. how often does she have her and for how long?

Erica - posted on 02/13/2011

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ok to answer some question.... She is my step daughter. I have raised her since she was 3 with my husband. The bio had her calls restricted because we had an phone call which she thought was late and started yelling at the child and cusing her out. I had to intervene and stop the phone call. We told her counsenlor about it and she convinced the judge phone call should be monitored. I completly agree if she cant talk to her daughter on the phone unsupervised how should she have her....however the judge doesnt see it that way. She buys into everything the BM says about us. There have been several times where our daughter tells the counselor that she doesnt want to go becasue of name calling, threats of abuse and other things and the judge says its not enough to stop visitation.
Loiuse- About writing a letter. My husband has tried several times to talk to her and explain it to her and she just plain doesnt care.

Louise - posted on 02/13/2011

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I am a bit confused is she your biological daughter or are you her adopted mum. I would look around and see if you can find a help group or a charity like citizens advice that could help you with free legal questions. Normally you get half an hour with a solicitor absolutely free where you can ask him the best course of action. I think giving her the phone behind his back has probably added to the fact he does not trust you so you really do have some bridge building to do. First of all calmly sit down and write a letter to your ex telling him how your daughter feels and that she is very upset about no contact and feels she can not ask to talk to you. He will more than likely read this letter and have time to digest what you are telling him before he replies so you are more likely to get a rational reply.

There is nothing worse than watching a child be unhappy from afar and your ex can see this eventually (when he has got over his anger) he will realise that he is being selfish and will let you have access to her. This could take some time so be prepared to wait but don't give up hope!

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2011

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I must admit, I am confused too, as to how she has unsupervised visits if the phone calls have been restricted......

If the court order is so strict with the bio mum's phone calls, what does it say about visitation?

Tara - posted on 02/12/2011

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Your husband has full custody due to a court order, so no, I don't think she can tell your daughter she is not able to contact you. I would check into legal aid for sure because your daughter not being able to contact you is a risk. Honestly, if your court order says bio-mom should have supervised visits (or even if it doesn't) you should consider limiting access if it is at all possible because it sounds like your daughter is extremely unhappy being with her bio-mom at any time.

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If he has to monitor phone calls.... how is she getting unsupervised visits?! That's doesn't make any sense.

Other than going back to court.... I don't have any solutions for you. When my girls were w/ my ex over the summer (2.5 weeks) he turned his phone off so that I could not call them since the court order had only stated that THEY could talk to me whenever they wanted. The next time we were in court I had it modified that I could speak to them every day while they are w/ him. The last time they were w/ him THEY called me every day except one.... and when I called that one day.... he never answered the phone and never had them call me back. So.... a court order isn't even a guarantee if they don't care.

I'm sorry. I wish I had a better answer for you.

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