advice needed - son asking where his dad is

Courtney - posted on 03/26/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )

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My son is 6.5 years old. He just recently (within last week) started asking where his father is. A week ago he asked if he had one. I explained that everyone does, but that his is away but loves him. Then proceeded to say that he has a lot of people around him that love him, and that there are men around that he can look up to (grandpa & uncles). He didn't have any other questions at the time. But tonight before bed he said he wanted to see his daddy. I admit I dodged the statement for the night, needing to think about how and what to explain to him. His father has barely been in his life. When I went into labor he was in jail. I bonded him out when my son was a month old and he was out for 3 months before he got sentenced to a year in prison. Throughout the year I brought my son to see him on a monthly basis. When he got out after the year he watched him for 3-4 hrs while I was at work. When I would pick up my son he would be playing by himself in the back room or once sleeping on his father's bed while he was doing a friends tattoo and smoking a blunt. He would go a week or two without calling at all, then blow up my phone and threaten me. I know he would never hurt my son physically, but he wasn't making good decisions. After 7 months of him being out of prison, after my son turned 2 years old, I stopped letting him see him. This didn't really bother him much. I would get the 2 am phone calls when he was drunk or high on drugs, saying he missed me, and wanted to see me. Nothing about my son. Months went by and he showed up at my work, said he wanted to meet at a park he saw, I agreed. I expected the call that day, instead I got a call 2 weeks later. He said Flipped out, demanding to see him right away because he was, yet again, going to jail in 2 days. Months later he has another child and takes care if him financially as well as the mother. I have never received a penny from him. Purchased whatever food, clothing, diapers, etc was needed. Years go by and i receive random phone calls and threats. Then one day i get a call from my friend that she and her boyfriend got stopped by the FBI, they wanted to question her and me. I found out my son's father was involved in 2 bank robberies as the get away driver. I had just recently started taking calls from him because i heard he was doing better and trying to get on track, now I was in an FBI office because of my him. I had just started a new job with my local police agency and was not about to mess that up. I called him and found out where he was, the FBI went and picked him up. He is now in federal prison, has another 2 years on his sentence. My son has been asking where he is, and says he wants to see him. Idk what to tell him. I want to be honest but I don't know how truthful to be?

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Teresa - posted on 03/26/2014

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I'm 18 and this is what I would say to my daughter
I would tell her that sometimes in life people make mistakes because at the time they don't know what the consequences will be and sometimes some people have to be in a certain special place (jail) where they try and learn to not make those mistakes twice. Its not bad its good its something that can make them into a better person and that's what they are trying to do while being in there. Reassure your son that he will always have someone to look up to, you his uncle tell him its not always a dad that has to give him that care and love and attention its any person that tries to be in his life and makes effort to keep your son happy or any person your son trusts besides you someone he can see as a friend.
Hope I was somewhat helpful I know I'm young and havent experienced anything like this but having a child makes a mother think of the things that can affect their child and think of a way to solve a problem.

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