advice needed, urgently

Andrea - posted on 10/21/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Okay so here's the deal

I'm a 22yr old student and have been with my bf for 7yrs now, earlier on this year he had a baby with someone else and strangely at first I was fine with it. But now I just feel like I'm competing with a 7month old baby. My birthday was 2 weeks ago and we went out and stuff and I asked him to post my picture on his whatsapp since it was my birthday and he didn't. Now I don't wanna sound childish or anything but why wouldn't he do that when he did it for his baby mama? I'm not an insecure person btw the smallest things make me happy and that picture being up there on his whatsapp would've been the cherry on top for my b'day. We've been through a lot with John and I just can't help but feel like he wants to try things out with his family but is afraid at the same time. I just wanna know what's going on so I can deal with all this jealousy that's been stirring up inside of me. I don't wanna feel like this and I don't wanna start having crazy baby thoughts like "maybe I should get pregnant" and stuff. I hate feeling like this. The worst part is that we would have a kid but we decided we were too young, I fell pregnant in Sept 2012 and regret that decision everyday...I've tried to move on but I can't and this whole thing is talking it's toll on me. My mother passed at a young age so I really don't have anyone to guide me and give me sound advice. Please help!!

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Jodi - posted on 10/21/2015

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WHy would he do that? Well, he is a cheat! You haven't been with him exclusively for 7 years if he has a child with someone else - he disrespected you and clearly cheated on you.

Here's what he is doing - he is hedging his bets. Have you heard that term? Yep, he's being a selfish ass and really is not worth your time.

Do NOT have a baby with this man. I will repeat that 20 times if I have to. A baby will not solve the fact that he is a complete moron.

Raye - posted on 10/21/2015

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Were you broken up when he had sex with the other woman? Or were you under the impression that you were still in a relationship with him? If you were broken up, then he could sleep with whomever would let him. If you were still together, and he cheated, then he's a worthless asshole and you should not stay with someone who disrespects you.

Apparently he was stupid enough to not use protection, or that protection failed, and he now has to live with the consequences of that for the rest of his life. And if you stay with him, then you also have to deal with the child and the baby-mama-drama for the rest of yours. The child is his blood, and he should try to be a good father, which may make you feel sometimes like you've been put on the back burner. I'm a step-mom, so I live this every day. I don't feel "in competition with" my step-kids, but it is a struggle that my husband and I sometimes disagree about consequences to their actions (he doesn't enforce rules or discipline well), and I have very little say because I'm not their natural parent. I try to go by his rules, and it's frustrating to bite my tongue and let things happen and not have more control in my own home. My husband also does things that I feel are above-and-beyond for the kids mom, but what he does is for the purpose of keeping peace with her for the sake of the kids. It wouldn't help to piss her off or alienate her, because the kids will get hurt in the process. I love my husband, I love the kids, and I try to focus on the positive aspects of these relationships. That is what you will have to do to stay with him... focus on the positive, let go of bad feelings, and be glad for the child if your BF can co-parent with his ex and try to raise a happy child.

As far as your previous pregnancy, you can't hold on to the "what if's". It happened. You made a decision. It probably was the best decision that could have been made at the time. Especially if this guy did cheat on you, you wouldn't want to have a child with this guy, and possibly have to raise that child alone if the relationship doesn't work out because of him now having a child with someone else. DO NOT try to get pregnant again to keep him. A baby is not a bargaining chip or a weapon to use to trap a man in a relationship. You're better off finding a new relationship with someone that can respect you, and be dedicated to you, and have a family with you when the time is right.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/21/2015

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He's clearly indicated that he's not the man for you. I agree with the rest...get into counseling so that you can move forward with someone worthy of you.

Michelle - posted on 10/21/2015

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The other ladies have some great advice.
My ex husband cheated on my and after I left him it would have been so easy to take him back some days. You need to think about yourself and be strong. Get yourself into counselling so you can find the strength to realize you don't need him around to be you.
You really don't want a baby with him if you can't forgive him for cheating (and you have every right NOT to forgive him!).
Maybe even finding a hobby or a group so you can keep yourself busy and meet people who have the same interests as you.

Jodi - posted on 10/21/2015

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I think you should go into counselling for yourself. This will help you maintain your resolve not to let him back into your life, and will also help you deal with your feelings about moving on.

Dove - posted on 10/21/2015

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He cheated on you and made a baby w/ someone else. He is not someone you can or should trust. My recommendation? Cut all ties w/ him now and get on w/ your life.

Raye - posted on 10/21/2015

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The breakup didn't work, because you didn't decide that it was the end. You can't get over the cheating and his divided attention, but you can't let him go. Do you see the insanity there? You have to decide one way or the other. 1) End it.. FOR GOOD! -or- 2) Totally commit and get over your hostility and frustration about the child and mother. Which do you think is better for you in the long term? There's the immediate hurt of ending it now. Then there's the years and years of emotional turmoil you will have to endure with this man, his child and the baby-mama. It's your choice.

Andrea - posted on 10/21/2015

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Ramsey,

He cheated....and I can't get over him. I've tried so hard. We've broken up 3 times already this year because I needed to breathe. It didn't work.

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