Advice on baby's name in a disfunctional marriage

Jennifer - posted on 06/13/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hello moms!
I am in desperate need for advice. I am pregnant with my third child due any minute. My husband and I also have twin three year old daughters. This pregnancy was not planned, and was probably not a good idea due to the disfunctional environment of our marriage. We married in 2007 after a brief courtship. I was so busy in my senior year in college, with school, clinica'ls and work that I didn't have much time to plan a wedding. He wanted to be married right away so he did a lot of the planning. Everyone close to me warned me about him, telling me there was "just something not right about him". After we married, we immediately became pregnant with your twin girls. I was over the moon! All I had wanted was to be a mom! As time went on and I got to know him better, something was not right. He threw a fit when he didn't get his own way. He is mentally,psychologically, emotionally and verbally abusive. After the girls were born, I worked FT for 18 months before we lost our child care. We decided it was more cost-effective for me to quit my job and stay home. I was sad to be missing out on a career that I had worked so hard for but more excited that I was giving it up to spend time with our girls. After I became a SAHM things got worse. He didn't like me spending time with my family and didn't support anything I wanted to do outside of the home. I began to feel isolated and alone. It seemed he only wants our girls to know his family. He only has our girls listen to his music, share his interests, etc. I wanted to return to work bc I thought it would be good for my mental health but he became incredibly angry and unsupportive. His reactions are unpredictable and I am scared. I had filed for divorce last year, but couldn't come to spiritual peace with it. I know divorce isn't God's best but surely He doesn't want me in this environment. Surely He doesn't want me alone. We have tried several marriage counselor's/programs/retreats but he is not willing to change anything about himself. It is harder bc while in counseling he was dagnosed as severe ADHD and possible Bipolar disorder, but refuses to acknowledge or treat it. I am at my wit's end! We became pregnant and I am due any day now. On top of my marriage crisis, I am at a loss at what to due about the name for our baby boy. He insists that child be named after his father, grandfather or uncle. I don't care at all for the names.These are awful names. He shot down my first choices, which I'm ok with but he refuses to work with me. I have purchased several baby name books and gone through all of them but he refuses to look through them with me. I'm continually asking the Lord for His guidance. Do I give in and let him name our son? Or do I keep trying to find a compromise? I just want peace but I am conflicted with this resentment that I have towards him since I have essentially given up every part of my identity for him. Giving in to this just seems like giving him even more control and losing more of myself. But as a servant of Christ, aren't I suppose to be giving of myself? Where do I draw the line? Please, any advice would be appreciated!

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Kaitlin - posted on 06/13/2012

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Well put Krista E.
Prayers for you and your family. And I think you should name your child something that has meaning to you- perhaps a name that means strength or new beginning.

Krista - posted on 06/13/2012

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Hi Jennifer -- I'm not coming at this from a Christian viewpoint (Christian Mommies would be a good community on here to help you with that), but from what I understand, in Christianity, it IS acceptable to leave your spouse if he is abusive, because he a) is not acting in a Christian manner and b) has basically already "left" the marriage through the breaking of the vows he made before you and your God. As far as I'm aware, the three accepted reasons for the dissolution of a marriage in Christianity are death, desertion and fornication. And emotionally, I think he HAS deserted you. Is he supporting you and loving you and cherishing and honouring you, like he vowed to do? No? Then he has deserted you, and I think that you can leave your marriage with a clean conscience, because you have tried everything to reconcile, but he is not doing his part.

Keep in mind that you have not only yourself to think about, but your children. And if your husband is volatile, unpredictable, and mentally and verbally abusive, then is that really a good environment for them?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/13/2012

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You are doing the correct thing, soul searching and questioning. And first, and foremost, no God would not want you in this situation. You have tried, and tried, and maybe now God is telling you that it's ok to move on with this decision.

If your husband has been diagnosed Bipolar, and will not accept treatment, his behaviour, the manic ups/downs, the moods, etc, will not improve, and will only get worse until the behaviour escalates into violence. You don't want that for your kids, nor for yourself. Nor for him, because the disability itself is detrimental to mental health, and he just can't see things in the same way that you do.

I know this is hard, I know you want so badly for this relationship to work out, but his indicators are out. He controls your coming, going, friends, activities, and now your desire to work. You are slowly being put into the middle of a cocoon of his making, so that you can be "his" and no body elses, ever. He will start to separate you more and more from the kids, determining that "his" way is best, and will eventually start to try to turn them from you with lies about your moods, character, and feelings for your own children.

If you can, if the facilities exist in your area, my recommendation would be to remove yourself and the twins immediately. DON'T tell him where you are going, or even that you ARE going. Get to a safe house. Then, have the baby. There is no law that says you must allow your spouse to be present, and you stay firm. He must not be allowed in to your delivery area.

Now, the name...can YOU compromise? Perhaps one of the desired names as the middle name? That way, at least you aren't saying it constantly...but the continuity is there for his family's side. Personally, I think that naming babies after grandparents is great, and unless the name is something like Orpheus or similar, I would use it. (My grandpa was pissed because we wanted to name our youngest after him...said he'd always hated his name and he would not let another kid be in the same boat...which was odd, in my opinion, as most people are thrilled if a kid is named after them)

But solving the name thing doesn't address the HUGE issue here, which is that of a passive aggressive relationship that is slowly smothering you. You've recognized the issue as starting. God will NOT strike you down. I promise. If you're at this point where you're questioning the logic of remaining in this relationship, God is trying to tell you that it's time to move on.

Blessings, prayers, and best of luck to you.

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