advice on how to deal with my daughters father.. who is a deadbeat.

Jessica - posted on 01/18/2014 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I was with my ex fiance' for 2 years. just broke up jan 5th. 2014. I got pregnant 8months into our relationship. he was so bad into drugs at the time and i was trying to help him off of them. He refused to get a job, and i left him a few times cuz he wasn't helping to get anything for the baby. Hes cheated on me multiple times and he has bi polar REALLY bad. well when our daughter was born, he quit drugs all together and FINALLY got a job!
He only.kept it for a few months. Well we ended up moving to his dads to get our lives together for our baby. i got a really good job, and he found a job too. he bought a car, and we talked about saving up money for our own apartment. well that's where things started going sour. he'd get paid and spend his whole check on video games and pills. he wouldn't help with buying what our daughter needed. When I'd be at work, he'd watched her but he would put her in her crib and let her cry while he'd play games. well needless to.say, he got tired of me complaining that he was spening his money irrisponsibly, so he went behind my back and found another girl who lived by his mom in our home state. well they started talking, then he says he doesn'tnt wanna be with me anymore. He never asks about his daughter, he just calls to fight with me. his new gf tells him not to talk to me and when i say he's chooseing his gf over his daughter, he flips. he's always so worried about fighting with me instead of talking about our daughter. he doesn't have a job againand he refuses to pay child support. I'm going for custody nn he wants visitation but i.don't ghink i should let him see her cuz he never cared about our daughter before, so why now? He is choosing his gf over his daughter and he doesn't realize it. he'll be 22 and his new gf just turned 18. I just don't know if I'm doing things right or what to do or how to handle this!? Please help.. -jessica, 22

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Julie - posted on 01/22/2014

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hey, a relationship break up is always difficult and sometimes messy. You have to organize your life now that suits you and your little girl. He is the dad and has rights, I think to save months of argueing and stress, go to the citizens advice bureau and ask for details on solicitors who can help with your situation.

Its not healthy to deny him access to seeing his daughter, However there needs to be solid arrangements made so that he reliably sees his daughter and that he plays an active role in your daughters life.

and as Jodi said, the relationship between you and your ex is finished, so, any conversations between you both should only be about your daughter.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/21/2014

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FACT: You created a human being with another person

FACT: Your child has 50% of that person's DNA, making it the child of BOTH of you. Neither one of you immaculately conceived.

FACT: Regardless of whether or not you WANT to allow the other party to know his child, the courts will make that decision for you.

FACT: If the judge determines that you will have custody, and he will be granted visitation, you will have to comply or be considered in contempt of court, which is a jailable offense

FACT: If the judge determines that he is fit to parent, they may assign dual custody. You will be expected to abide by that decision

FACT: You will spend the next 18 years in a co-parenting relationship with this person, again, whether you wish to or not. You, at one point, decided he was enough for you to conceive a child with. The sooner you can act like an adult of 22 and maturing, the better off you will be in the long run.

No one is judging you, my dear. We understand you're young, and idealistic, and things didn't work out how you planned. Life very rarely does work out the way you've planned.

Leela - posted on 01/20/2014

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There comes a time as a mom when you need to step away from the drama and focus on what's important - you and your child. Build a plan for yourselves so whether he's there or not, life will continue. Ge everything done legally - custody and financial support. If you're concerned for your child's safety then document it. But step away from everything else - u don't need the fighting etc. Good luck!

Chelsea - posted on 01/19/2014

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So my advice is probably not legally sound, but having experienced a father that had no expectations to be a father my advice comes from experience. Do not answer his calls unless he leaves you a voicemail wanting to see his daughter, by answering the phone calls you are allowing this relationship to continue on this path. Stop worrying about his life and his girlfriend, honestly focus on your daughter. I know your heart if probably broken, but there are tons of men out there wanting to be fathers trust me let go of this one. If you stop this cycle of fighting he will probably leave you alone and lose interest in your daughter, which is horrible sounding I know but it seems like her life would be better without a father that does not care. If you stop communicating with this man unless it's regarding him visiting he will more than likely lose interest in the whole situation and you will be free from his drama. You need to focus on your daughter and yourself thats it, as much as it hurts stop reciprocating the craziness. I hope this helps.

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Susan - posted on 01/22/2014

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I'm sorry to hear you're going through this dear.. BIG HUGS

U need to back off from the drama for the sake of the healthy wellbeing of both you and your daughter – she needs you emotionally strong throughout her life. We women will do anythin to protect our babies and if you seriously think he is harmful, then you will need to document 'everything' as proof for the courts. However, if he wants a part of her life, then you need to allow this, even if its for small periods of time.

Start with emailing – ask him how many times does he want to see your daughter. Then ask him to see a mediator. Talk on email about a parenting plan. If no response, then go to a solicitor for advice and for a custody plan. Maybe then if he wishes, he will be awarded a certain amount of time with his daughter and you can move on with a healthier life.

He doesn't seem stable from wot u wrote and YOU need to protect yourself and your daughter from this instability. I would. That does not mean stop him seeing his daughter tho, that means be vigilant, have strengh and high value xxx

Sherry - posted on 01/21/2014

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He doesn't want to be a Father to his child, because the drugs are more important right now. Maybe he'll get clean and be able to be a parent. You can raise a happy, healthy daughter without him. If he gets a job, file for child support. Some men don't want to be a Dad. They are selfish. Sorry you're going through this Jessica. hugs...

Ev - posted on 01/19/2014

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Chelsa-I have to disagree with you on this post you made. It might sound good to let go of him and yet at the same time it denies the child the chance to know the father. This girl needs to set up custody, visitation and child support in order to get what the child has coming. The child does have a right here to know the father and when old enough make the choice to keep the relationship up or not. Its all part of the package. I know a lot of people don't set up the custody thing and I know a lot of men just totally skip out. But at the same time, the child is really the one that suffers the most.

Ev - posted on 01/18/2014

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I have to concur with Jodi on this one too. As for him not being able to come see his kid because the girlfriend won't let him....that is bologna. Its an excuse he is using. He made the choice to leave and find a new girl to be with. She is not forcing him to not come. It is his choice. He might be listening to her tell him not to come but he makes that choice. But that is not your worry here. Your worry is the child you had with him and what is best for that child.

Jodi - posted on 01/18/2014

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What exactly do you mean by "helped" with her?

I never said he was a good father. I said you should dispense with the name calling. As I said, you have to co-parent with this person for 18 years. Get used to it. Good father or not, he is the father. "You chose poorly". Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, raised the child, co-parented, got through it. You will too. Sometimes what people new at this need to hear is the blunt truth. You are one of them.

BLUNT TRUTH: You slept with the man. He impregnated you. That makes him the father. He has rights too. You don't have all the rights. You don't get to decide if your child has a relationship with him - that is why we have a family court. Suck it up and deal with it.

And please, I did not judge you. Why is it that young people always see a response they don't like as "judging". The fact is, you don't have to like my response. It was purely factual. It's a very immature thing to do - accuse people of judging you because you don't like the truth. The fact is, I don't know you, so I am not judging you. Stop taking it personally. Learn NOW not to take it personally. This is now your life.

You don't get to decide whether he gets to see his kid. FACT. Your daughter has rights here too, the right to a relationship with her father, and just because you don't like him, that doesn't change her rights to a relationship with him. The courts will actually consider that and THEY will make the decision. You don't have to agree. Unless you have absolute documented evidence that he will harm your daughter, the courts aren't going to listen to you waffle on about how he's nasty, he never helps, he this, he that.

Time to grow up and get a lawyer who will tell it like it is.

Jessica - posted on 01/18/2014

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The entire 9 months she's been here, he has not helped with her. Does that sound like a good father to you? I filed for child support.. i can't do anything with custody until i get a hearing date. i do not want him to.see her because he does not ask about her, I've giving him multiple chances to come see his daughter, but he says his gf won't let him. When he calls me, he just wants to yell and scream saying everything is all MY fault. He's back into drugs and he pawns our daughter off. he did that while i was at work all the time. again, does that sound like a good father? Would you want your child near that and be bounced around between people all the time? I want my daughter to have her father in her life, but he's given me every reason to not want him to. With him having bi polar, i don't know if he'd hurt her... i asked him one question and he got mad at me and swung a chair at my head... so before you i have many more reasons also, so please know them before you judge.

Jodi - posted on 01/18/2014

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Ok, firstly, you have only been apart for 2 weeks - that doesn't classify him as a deadbeat dad, and you probably should dispense with the namecalling now, because you now have to co-parent with this person for 18 years. Congratulations.

You are going for custody but you say you shouldn't let him see her. Well, guess what? That's not your prerogative to decide. The courts will decide that. Whether he cared for her before or not is irrelevant, the chances are he WILL get visitation. I'm not sure why you mentioned their ages because that's irrelevant too.

With regard to the child support that he hasn't paid in the 2 weeks you have been apart, you need to file for child support at the same time you file for custody. The court will decide how much he should pay.

When he calls, if the call is not about your daughter, let him know that is the only reason he may call you. If he continues to argue, hang up. If he isn't calling to talk about your daughter, what IS he calling about? What is he fighting with you about?

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