Advice on living with an alcoholic

Andrea - posted on 01/02/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )




My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have a 19 month old daughter together. We constantly fight. Our biggest problem is the fact that he is an alcoholic. When we first started dating that's all we did together. We both worked in bars and that's all we knew how to do. Then I got pregnant and my life changed over night. I stopped everything the minute I got a positive test while he continued to go out drinking and stay out all night. He takes MY car to do whatever he wants since he doesn't have a car (or license for that matter thanks to 2 DUI's). I'll let him take the car to work and then he always calls after work and says he's going to do something. Sad thing is I usually don't argue with him just because it's more peaceful around the house if he isn't around. He has toned down the drinking since my daughter has been born but he still has to drink...every night. Now instead of a 12 pack and a pint of whiskey a night its just a 12 pack except for when i catch him hiding liquor around the house. He watches our daughter by himself 1 night a week. I am constantly worried while I am gone about how much he is drinking while he is "responsible" for her. Then when he drinks too much be starts to pick at me about every little thing. The other night he started yelling at me about where I put his beer cans in the basement because he didn't see them and tripped over them (keep in mind that I am the one that cleans up his beer cans ever morning). Anything to start a fight with me and he doesn't care if our daughter is around. I'll try to ignore him and he will literally follow me around the house yelling until I snap. I could go on and on. I'm just so lost. I never pictured my life like this. I grew up in a loving home and I want the same for my daughter. The thought of splitting up time with her terrifies me. At least by staying I know I'm coming home at night. I can't imagine sending her away with him for a weekend or even a night. I've tried leaving before and he always makes me feel like I'm in the wrong. Ive explained to him that I'm not judging him and that i just want out family to be happy and that i dont see that happening as long as his drinking continues the way it is. He really is a good dad, when he chooses to be. He likes to come in, play with her 5 minutes and then after that it's on to drinking and chain smoking. I want to eventually get married and have more children but I really can't picture doing these things with him. I'm so lost. Where do I begin?


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Rebekah - posted on 01/03/2014




The title to your post asks how to live with an alcoholic, but there isn't any way to live with the conditions you describe and have it be healthy/happy for you or your daughter. I think you already know that you need to leave this, as you've tried already, but maybe what you need is support in following through. Find an Al-Anon support group (for families/friends of alcoholics). Find support in your family and friends. Therapy together would be good IF he is committing to work on his issue, but he has to see that he has a problem. And, I think you need to be out of the house for him to understand that you mean business, and that boundaries need to be drawn for him to be around his daughter. As long as you are at home, it sends a message that you are condoning his actions. It is not ok for him to treat you that way, or set this example for his child. Do not let him make you feel guilt into've already provided a long list of reasons to go (and you said there's more). I admit I don't have experience with custody/visitation, but as far as splitting up time, with his behaviors, I can't imagine it would be too hard to see if visits could be supervised. Sounds like you are trying to protect your daughter by avoiding visitation issues, but she is in the environment all the time now, which is worse. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.

Hopefully he will step up to the plate and choose to be a "good dad," but it won't happen on its own. He needs to choose his family/daughter over his addiction. Good luck to you. You can do this.

Kym - posted on 01/02/2014




Try to seek therapy with him, if that doesn't work and he doesn't cooperate, Leave him! Your going to have to do what is best for you and your daughter. Try to stay with a family member or a friend to get right on track. Do not let him feel like you are in the wrong because your not, you don't deserve to live your life the way your living it, especially having a child involved. You are worth so much more than to have to go through that! Things may be rough at first but you can get through it just stay strong and know your worth! Like they say " In order to get some sunshine you have to go through the rain".

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