Advice on SIL

Blance - posted on 06/19/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

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Hello Ladies ! I have a big problem with my sister in law , she does things that makes me very angry at her , she was staying with my hubby before we got married so his brother told her to move out before our weeding day which pissed her off but i had nothing to do with it , it went on with her keeping in touch with my hubby's ex and invited her to her weeding and her weeding took place at our place in our garden, but she (ex) did not come, thank God , after her weeding she hired a maid whom i fired to work for her , i was mad and told her that i am sick and tired of her attitude toward me, if she doesnt like me it is fine with me but she need to respect me and my marriage ! She sent me a long email trying to explain herself but she didnt not apologize regardless what i told her ! I never insulted her but i told her the mistake she did. And how i was hurt buy it. My problem is now she doesnt talk to me since the confrontation and i dont talk to her either ! My husband is on my side but still she tries to keep in touch with him as much as she can. She is giving birth soon and i feel i do not want to go to see her but my problem is my husband in this situation ? I know for sure he cant go alone to see her but we will argue on that because he will want to go .

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/20/2014

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I understand that customs differ for each area, that particular 'custom' doesn't make any sense. Why should a person not be allowed to hire whomever they wish (regardless of past employment). That is no disrespect on you, that is your SIL hiring a personal employee, and by continuing to bring it up, you're continuing to cause stress.

I never said you had to ask permission for anything, but in my marriage, we discuss and agree on things like giving money away, and we don't keep it from each other. It sounded to me as if you were upset because your maid told your husband what you're doing with finances (none of her business), and it did come across as you were doing it without having discussed it with him, which is not healthy for any marriage.

And, again, I don't see how your husband going to visit the baby is a problem, but if it is a cultural norm in your country for ALL relatives to meet the new arrival, then you'd be as much of a hypocrite as you're calling your SIL. (She hired a maid that you'd fired, going against cultural norm, and you are refusing to be a member of the family to welcome your nephew or niece, going against cultural norm).

It may be time to put aside your petty differences and be adults. Both of you.

I don't see any reason for her to apologize to you, but I'm starting to see reasons why perhaps you should apologize to her.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/20/2014

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Good choice, Blance! Just enjoy the baby...babies are always fun. Then you'll be fulfilling the cultural 'requirement', without too much stress.

Like I said, you don't have to like her, and you don't have to interact with her beyond minimal exposure at unavoidable events. I don't visit with my SIL, as I said. I love my MIL, and will always be willing to take her to her daughter's house, but I don't have to extend my stay. I'm polite, just short of formal, so that MIL doesn't get stressed, but that's as far as I'll go. Hubby won't even visit his sister at all after her antics with him, but will interact with her at public family gatherings (I'll find part of the family that I get along well with, and hang with them)

Blance - posted on 06/20/2014

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I rest my case ! Y'all have a point ! I ll
Take the positive feedback thank you and i ll go to see the baby. I am not gonna apologize to her because i have done nothing wrong to her and i am not gonna pretend to be friend with her ! If she doesnt apologise it is ok ! She will
Leave her life and i live mine !

Blance - posted on 06/20/2014

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Thank you for your advice too but i am not gonna go to visit her if she isnt talking to me and i am not going to be the bigger person again by me talking to her 1st because this isnt the 1st time we had problem , the 1st time i went to her and sat with SIL we talked about it and it was resolved ! You might not see the problem
With her hiring the maid i had but it is a big mistakes that showed me that she doesnt care about anyone's feeling expect hers , about her inviting the ex i dont actually care because the way i found out about , it was an email that the ex sent to us trying to show me that the SIL likes her more than me . I dont think anyone of you would really like it if SIL or MIL is besties with your husband's ex, as i said i can control her but also i can sit and act like it doesnt bother me because i know how that girl feels about me and my husband ! Thnx

Blance - posted on 06/20/2014

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@ Shawnn , i have no problem with my husband! We are fine and we have been together for 10 years married for 5 years now, giving stuff away to my mom as a woman of the house i dont need permission to do that as i dont need a permission to but new stuff too , my husband is ok with that ! About him not going to visit her sister alone he can do that because he says it wont look good, maybe he will do it one day i dont know .As my SIL hiring the maid i fired as african we dont do that ! my husband also was angry with her and confronted her about it and she said she has told me about hiring her! I can not stop him going to visit his sister but he cant force me to go visit her either ! Too bad for her ! She doesnt like me and i dont like her either !

Guest - posted on 06/20/2014

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I don't see anything for you to be upset about either....

If you fired the maid, why would you care if your SIL hired that maid later? Your SIL has every right to hire whomever she wishes to hire to work in her house. Now, if she still lived with you, and the maid would be working in your home, I could see reason to be upset, but it sounds as though she has her own place now.

Also, as Shawnn said, she can invite anyone she wants to her wedding. If you didn't want the ex in your house, you shouldn't have allowed her to hold the wedding there. Just because you own the venue doesn't give you the right to control the guest list.

I also do not see why your husband cannot go see the new baby without you. He should be able to visit his siblings without his wife present. That said, if you are asking her to respect you and your marriage as a part of her family now, you need to respect her the same way--suck up your personal feelings and go stand beside your husband while he fawns over the new baby. It's part of being married.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/20/2014

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Well, it seems there's a lot more problems than just your SIL. If you can't be honest with your husband, there's a HUGE problem right there. Not that household help should be telling tales either, that's an ethics thing.

Now, your SIL hirinig the maid after you'd let her go...again, none of your business, she didn't 'steal' the maid from you, or lure her away, since you'd already terminated the employment.

One more thing, why can't your husband visit his sister alone? You say that will cause an argument because he will want to go...and he should, because she's his sister, and family (all family) is important. No one says that you have to accompany him on his visits to her...For example, I take my MIL to see my SIL regularly. I don't get along well with SIL, so I drop MIL off, do my own thing for a couple of hours, and pick MIL up when she's ready. I drive because she doesn't like to travel long distances on her own, but no one forces me to visit with SIL...

Blance - posted on 06/20/2014

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Thnx Shawnn ! I understand what you are saying and thanks but i didnt fire the maid she hired ! The maid was working for me and he wanted to destroy my marriage by telling my husband how i am
Helping my mother ( giving old cups, giving her money etc..,) and my husband told me i fired my maid ! So my SIL hired the maid to work for her without even her telling me or asking me how i feel about it ! You make a point though i can not control what she does but i cam control my action ! Thats why i stopped talking to her and she talk to her brother only and i am
Ok with it . Thnx again

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/20/2014

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But, Blance, if SHE hired a maid to work for HER, what gives you the right to fire the maid? I don't understand.

And, if SHE invites people to HER wedding...you don't have ANY say in that, because it's not YOUR wedding, it is hers. You cannot choose her friends, nor force her to not associate with your husband's ex, because it's none of your business who her friends are. You have no place dictating who she associates with, regardless of where the event is held.

Blance - posted on 06/20/2014

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Jodi would you hire your friend's ex maid without even talking to her about it ? I cant do that not to a friend nor a family member, Thank you for yr comment !

Blance - posted on 06/20/2014

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@ Shawn thank you for your advice i said she hired maid that i fired not the other way around ! About her inviting someone i dont want to her weeding which took place at our house thats for me cool, about me going for counseling thank you but i am not the one who has issues ! She is the one .

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/20/2014

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I'm confused. You say that she was told to leave the home that you now share with your husband, so she's not living with you, so why on earth would you fire a maid she's hired? That makes no sense.

As far as HER inviting someone to HER wedding that you didn't approve of...IT WAS HER WEDDING. You can't control who someone ELSE invites to THEIR event. You can only control who YOU invite to your events.

Please seek some counseling, as it seems you are trying to control every aspect of your husband's FAMILY.

Jodi - posted on 06/20/2014

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I'm a little confused. You have assumed she is disrespecting your marriage by inviting one of your husband's exes to her wedding??? Why does she need to apologise for inviting the ex and hiring the maid you fired?

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