Advice on Telling Parents/Family I am Pregnant???

Jean - posted on 11/14/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




I was wondering if anyone had any tips on breaking the news of pregnancy to one's parents? My fiance and I have been together for 7.5 years and engaged for 2.5. We have been trying to get married for what seems like forever! My family has not been supportive at all! They have tried endlessly to end our relationship and sabotage it with my relatives and friends by lying about him. They say that he lies, beats me, steals from me, is low class and is going nowhere. They disowned me for a time when we got engaged. To make matters easier with my family we decided to have a private vow ceremony with our minister and hold off on the wedding until after I graduated from college (this spring). Now, despite our best efforts we have ended up pregnant. We are thrilled with the news. It may not be perfect, but we love and are committed to each other and in front of God. This is not ideal, but we have decided to get publicly and officially married in January and I will graduate in May. The baby is due in June and I plan on continuing on with my education in September. Money may be tight, but we are no longer kids (I am 25 and my fiance is 27) and people in a lot more dire situations than ours have made it work. Now there is the hard part. We have to tell my family. They will be so upset and will likely disown me again. I am afraid with how they will react physically and emotionally. My parents will try to ruin any positive relationship I may have in my family like they did when I got engaged. I am terrified of losing my connection to my family because they are the only one I have. I feel like I have failed in their eyes, but I am trying really hard to be the best person I can be. I have stumbled along the way. I wish my family would love me unconditionally, but this will not be the case. They have already warned me that if I go through with marrying 'this guy' I will be effectively cut off from the family and they will do their best to make our lives miserable. I am comfortable in the relationship I have with my fiance and the one that we will have with our growing family. I love him very much and we are very happy together. He does not like that my family is so negative, but is willing to have a relationship with them if they treat us respectfully. My mother is a drunk and my father is an enabler. We know we have to have boundaries. I was hoping that by writing this long and way too revealing message that someone may have some words of advice for how I work up the strength to tell my parents and to walk away when necessary. How do you tell parents that you love news you know they are going to be aggressively angry about while still protecting yourself, your fiance, and your growing child? Also, in the future, how do you balance/find a healthy relationship with family that is unsupportive? I have been praying constantly for strength, courage, and the ability for acceptance. I don't know how I have let such a happy time in our lives be so unhappy because my family cannot be happy or supportive of us. I have tried reaching out to my grandparents, but they are not happy either. They think a child will prevent me from achieving what I want to achieve at this point in my life and that abortion will make it a lot easier for myself and for my parents. This is not an option for me. It is a life and a life I am ultimately quite happy about. It is out of love and commitment. I have received repeated advice from friends that my fiance and I should tell them alone and at their house so they feel comfortable, but I am scared that if we do not bring someone else with us they will get too aggressive and I will be putting us all in harms way. I have been told that it is selfish of me to try and make my parents uncomfortable by bringing someone else and by jeopardizing my parents relationship with that person/ those people. Thank you for reading this far if you have made it and for your stories/advice!


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FoxyMom - posted on 11/15/2012




I was in a similar situation. I am 35 and got pregnant by my boyfriend who at the time I had only been seeing 3 months. Was not planned for sure but stuff happens. My mother is a very controling person. We've had it out in the past where what and where she wants me to be and do in life is different from where I want to be. So you have to remember that it is your life and if you are happy and safe then who are they to tell you to be otherwise? I agree with the other poster when she said blood does not make a family. There is such a thing as a toxic relationship. I had one with my mother. She was sucking the life out of me by being so negative about everything I was happy about in life. I had to figure out how to take a stand with her and be respectful at the same time. You are now a mother and you have to do what is best for your child. Your health and stress during the time you are carring the baby is just as important as when your child is born and the health and environment it is in then. If you are scared of what your parents will do, write a letter or call them. Are you living with them? If not then get what you need to out of their house before you tell them. If they are going to be like that you or your child do not need them in your life anyway.

Although my mom wasn't as bad she did not talk to me for 3 months and made me feel like I was scum of the earth. I let it get to me for a while but then realized that she was the only one making me feel like that and I asked myself why i allowed her to have that much power over me. If she wanted to be in my life fine, if she didn't her loss. I came to the conclusion that I am going to go about my life and if and when she decided to add herself back in was up to her but I wasn't going to approach her about it.

Also, you said your mom was a drunk...what was her life like? Is your's better than hers? Was wondering if maybe she was jealous of what you have.

[deleted account]

Not sure if I can help you or not, but here is my advice.

First off, the formalities. Arrange for dinner plans with your parents in a public place--a nice restaurant. If they are prone to violence, this will protect you by providing witnesses and allowing you to stand up and leave at any time you wish. (Many restaurants will even take your card before dinner and charge afterwards in case you don't have time to wait for the check).

Now the emotional stuff gets a little stickier. First off, a blood relation does not build a family. I know this because my "family" was never related to me biologically. I've since reconnected with my bio family, but they are no more important to me than my "chosen" family. It is hard to walk away from people you love--I know you love your parents unconditionally, despite their flaws. I love mine too, but sometimes it is best to love from afar. You don't need a relationship with someone to love them, you can know in your heart that you love someone, but still stay away from them because you know it is what is best for everyone involved.

If your family is threatening to cut you off, help them. Once you tell them about your baby, if they threaten to make your lives difficult, cut them off--change your numbers, defriend them on social networks, block them on email accounts. Eventually, after the initial onslaught of nasty, anger fueled attempts at communication are over, one of two things will happen: They will either decide they need you in their lives and will be willing to accept you no matter what, or they will decide that everyone is better off apart. It will hurt, but in the end it is best.

My bio father took nearly 10 years to come back to me, but now that he has, we are building something good. My chosen dad (a man I met who took me as his own child) has been by me all the time I've known him--I will always be closer to this man than my bio father, but it doesn't matter. I can love both and as long as the people in my life love me for who I am and are a positive influence, it doesn't matter whether we have a biological connection or not.

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