Advice please on dealing with step daughters and their mother......

Robbin - posted on 12/05/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )

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Hi, I am new here and in desperate need of help. I have 4 biological children ages 20, 19, 12 & 11 with my oldest being my only daughter, and I have 2 step daughters ages 12 & 10 (me and their dad have been together for 18 months and living together for 5 months). My 2 youngest boys live with us full time and we have my step daughters 4 days a week every week. My problem is with the girls and their mom, their mom trashes me every chance she can to the girls. She tells them they are not allowed to EVER consider me or anyone in my family their family. Yet she insisted that we have them this coming Christmas Eve (when my family celebrates) so that they will be sure to receive gifts from everyone in my family instead of going to her family Christmas. She calls me names in front of them, and tells them that she hates my 2 youngest boys. She tells them that the rules in our house are stupid and that they do not have to follow them, that they do not have to do anything I tell them to (even if it is to take a bath). She tells them that they are too young to have chores or to help with dishes or laundry and that us making them do so is treating them like slaves. I have always treated the girls as though they are my own, I never exclude them from anything, I am the one that has bought most of their clothes, make-up and necessities this past year. Both girls have their own bedroom at our house where as my boys share a room, but my boys agreed to it just to help the girls adjust to us all living together. I help them with homework, let them borrow my clothes, help them fix their hair and do anything else I can to show them I do love them, however; both girls go back to their moms every week and fill her full of lies about me and my boys. They tell her that I am mean to them and yell at them, that my boys are mean and say mean things about them. Now don’t get me wrong I know my boys are not angels and I know there are times they have said things to the girls that they shouldn’t but the girls do the same, when all the kids are with us there is the normal bickering that all siblings have. But it is guaranteed that every single week when the girls go back to their moms there will be a phone call with her screaming at my boyfriend for one reason or another and most of them are not even the truth. This last weekend my 12 yr old stepdaughter didn’t want to come out, so we didn’t make her, I had a great weekend with my 10 yr old stepdaughter making cookies and spending time together, there was no bickering between her and the boys at all. Monday night after she had gone back to her moms, we get a phone call from both girls, them saying they never want to come back, that they don’t like me, they have never liked me and its not cool for me to be there anymore they want me to move out. My boyfriend called his ex’s sister and her mother, they both think that the girls have been so filled with lies about me and that its their mother telling them they don’t want to come and not how they really feel. Her entire family thinks that we should have full custody of the girls and they should live with us full time, they think that she is a very unstable parent and not a good example for them at all because she does not work, she lives off of the government, she screams and cusses at the girls………….the list goes on and on. This isn’t even half of what we have put up with from the girls and their mom. Do we continue to MAKE the girls come to our house every week? Should they continue to have their own rooms when they don’t even want to be there and my boys share a room? How do I get these things to stop? My boys and I are so tired of taking the beating that the girls and their mom are giving us but all of us love my boyfriend. I just don’t know what to do and any advice would be great.

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Ashley - posted on 12/05/2012

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just keep doing what you are doing. keep working on your relationship with them, and doing things with them. get one on one time with them. plan a girls day, but not just once, like once a month. also, make sure they are getting one on one time with there dad, and also time with dad and both girls and no one else. if they dont want to come, dont make them, but dont forget to call and ask them every time they are supposed to either. make them feel welcome, but dont force them to be there. if they keep saying they dont want to come, and after so long of them not coming, give your boys there own rooms, and make the other room the girls to share for if and when they ever do want to come back. as for the mom, make it clear that what happens at your house and during there time with you guys is none of her business. if one of them gets hurt or decides they want to go home or anything happens that she needs to know you will let her know. dont ever talk bad about there mom in front of them, no matter what you think, and always be nice and get along with her when the kids are around. dont ever let them see or hear you bad mouth her, or yell at her, or anything like that. when she calls to yell at your boyfriend, record it all, start documenting everything, and take her back to court. he can always hang up on her too.

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