Advice Wanted

Coni - posted on 12/07/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I need advice on how to deal with an issue with my husband. When we met he had 2 children by 2 different exes. The first he left because she was an addict. She later went on to have their child taken away from her by the state because of abuse and died from her addiction. The second left him after cheating on him right after giving birth to their child. Now, this is all fact- she cheated on him and left him for a mutual friend, stalked him with online dating profiles, tried to get back with him multiple times when she and her homewrecker would break up, accused my husband of abusing his child and after it was thrown out of court, still refused to allow my husband to see his child until he took her to court. It's been like this for over a decade. The kid is confused, damaged and has been told his entire life that his father is a bad man. She never developed a bond with my now step-son.......until I married my husband. Now she wants to hang out with my step-son all the time. She goes behind our backs and finds out when he is spending the night with my in-laws, and goes and picks him up and has him spend the night at her house. She has stalked and harassed me, my family, our friends with fake profiles to get information about us. Her children have repeatedly told us that she hates me (for what reason, I have no idea since I've never even had a conversation with her). I have distanced myself for all of these reasons and allow my husband to be the only one to interact with her. But here's the problem- on top of everything, we found out that when she was supposed to be "watching" my step-son, the one who lives with us and is not related to her, she was actually getting drunk and inviting friends over who spent the night. So my husband and I agreed that these overnights at her house were finished and we didn't want our kid alone with her. Well imagine my shock when just this weekend, she asked if she again could include my step-son in a birthday celebration with her child. We agreed it was fine but he wasn't supposed to go to her house or spend the night at her place but be returned later that day. He never was. By 7 pm, I told my husband I had no idea where he was or when he would be returned. My husband then shocks me by telling me he doesn't care when she returns him or if she lets him go back to her house. He said the only reason he agreed to not let him go over there in the first place was because he didn't want to argue about it with me. The reason this is shocking to me is because I am one of the most secure, confident and least emotional women I know. I've been fine with her having my step-son (who I am raising as my own) over to celebrate things with his younger brother despite the disrespect she has shown me and lies that she has spread about me. I've put up with A LOT to be married to this man. But now he is basically telling me that it doesn't matter we agree to as a couple, he's going to do what he wants in the end. How do you get past realizing you don't trust your partner? Because right now, I don't. He does this with a lot of things- consequences for the kids, agreements we made about how we raise them, etc. In the end, it doesn't matter what we agree to as a "team"....he will do what he wants. What am I supposed to do? I haven't had a fight with him about it seeing as I don't see a point. But I am so numb I haven't wanted anything to do with him in days. I've barely spoken two words to him, not as punishment but because I literally have nothing to say to him. I can't even look at him. Not sure where to go from here.

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Raye - posted on 12/07/2015

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There's no reason for the ex to babysit the child that is not hers, especially if she is displaying bad judgment. Yes, the child should know their half-brother and attend birthday parties and such, but if the child that is not hers is supposed to be back at a certain time, and is kept by this woman, then you should call the police to go with you and get the child back. Your husband shouldn't let bad behavior go just because he's afraid to stand up to this woman. If he has court orders for visitation of their mutual child, then both parties need to abide by those orders. She can't take it upon herself to dictate terms of when he has access to either kid.

If you and your husband can't get on the same page, then you're doomed. Counseling could help if he's willing to work on the problems (letting psycho-ex have control over a kid that isn't hers is a major problem). He seriously needs to be thinking more about what is in the best interests of those kids. If she is not being responsible, he needs to address the situation with her, and not get mad at you for wanting to do the right thing. You should be a team. You should be able to back each other up and discuss when you don't see eye-to-eye (not just flat out overrule a situation that you thought you had an agreement about).

Do you have kids with this man? If not, then you may want to think about ridding yourself of the drama. I'm a step-mom, and it's very difficult even when my husband and I have good communication and agree on most of the details of running our household. We have baby-mama-drama, but not as bad as you or several other people on this forum. So, by comparison, I think we're pretty lucky. If we didn't have that trust and communication, I don't see how we could stay together. You should have respect in your own home. You and your husband should have the best interests of the kids at heart. If he doesn't and his ex doesn't, then you can't single-handedly save them. But you can save yourself.

Ev - posted on 12/07/2015

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I am not sure what to tell you other than that maybe you and your husband need to get some counseling to get on the same page.

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