advices about my daughters friends

Silvia - posted on 07/20/2011 ( 22 moms have responded )

7

0

0

My daughter is 13 and she get friends over at Friday Night or Saturday afternoon, and they stay over for sleep most of the time. They eat with us, dinner, or what ever i cooked and they sit at the dinner table with us. Somethimes i want to go out with my kids or my husband and we cant go or we have to bring my daughter friend togheter. Than i have to pay for my daughter friends who never brings money and its making me crazy. Last Saturday we went to a Carnaval with my kids and there was a friend of my daughter over my house since friday night, I paid food, and unlimited rides for her. I called her father and asked him to come to the carnival to pick up his daughter. He said he could not come because he had a dog to take care. He didnt say thank to me for paying for his daughter or taking her over for 2 days. At 11 at night, i had to drive her to her house because i didnt want her in my house one more night. At the end her father was mad with me because i didnt want to drive his daughter to his house. Im getting sick, so stressed that i cant hold it anymore. I have to kids to take care, nobody never paid me nothing, i work hard, do i have to pay for my daughters friends too? What to do? Im tired of to pay for someone elses kids . What to do? What is the rule? I dont let my kids to stay over in their friends house, because one of her friends mother is always drunk and the other girl, her parents are divorced. Im trying to be a good mother but im exausted. I just dont understand what is wrong with this people. how can i fix it? How can i say to my daughter friends that they have to bring money for their ice cream or dinner or carnaval for exemplo? If we go to the beach and a friend (both friends are 13) come with us, do i have to pay for them? They also come to ours beach club and them my daughters buy ice cream, and i have to pay for their friends ice cream too. Im just feeling that its not right. After all what i do, their parents never offer money or ask me anything about it and dont sai thank to me. Please what and how to say to them that its not ok for me?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Cathy - posted on 07/23/2011

1

23

0

Silvia, I feel your pain as I have been put in that position myself with my own 13yr old daughter. Some ground rules need to be put into play here. Planning in advance for a friend to sleep over is the best way I have found to deal with this. On those days where I know she is having a friend over, we review the number of days that she is allowed to stay and confirm a time that their parents will be picking them up. On those occassions when you decide to do something like going to a carnival or the beach, you must ask the girls the question of whether they'd like to go and if they have money. If your daughter's friend does not have money ask her if she'd like to call her parents and ask them to bring her some. They'll get the message that you're not their bank. Be prepared however that if the child is without money and her parents refuse to bring her any. Your option then becomes one of either trusting them to be home for a few hours on their own or your family opting out of this event. Planning ahead of time will help avoid a lot of disappointment. It's also time for your own daughter to understand that it is not your responsibility to pay for her friends. If she would like to participate in these types of events and her friends are unprepared then you'll have to forego the plan. Again, planning ahead of time will help avoid these situations. Everyone has been advised ahead of time and understandably, circumstances can change. Everyone has to be accountable for both the planning aspect as well as the financial aspects. Good luck.

Debbie - posted on 07/23/2011

8

0

0

I also have a teenage daugher whom brings along friends to our outings and that's ok. Sometimes I do pay for them, but not all the time like you are. I think you've reached your limit of niceness and you need to put your foot down. It's ok to be nice, but not if its affecting you. I think this is what I would do in your situation. First of all discuss with you daughter that you're going to be talking to her friends about some issues that's bothering you. I'm sure she will try to talk you out of it, but stay strong remember, your the mom here. I would talk to the friends and let them know that sometimes you will treat them when you go out, but you can no longer afford to treat them on all occasions. Stick to this rule, don't feel bad and let it slide by for one time because if you do you will get stuck in the same rut again. To lay this reply out in one sentence-- "Just say no", remember its affecting you and it shouldn't be that way. Hope this helps you some.

Joy - posted on 07/23/2011

350

63

7

It sounds like people are taking advantage of your generosity and that's not right. I'd put my foot down too. I agree with the others about having a set time for the friends to visit and that the friends should be picked up by their parents if they visit. I think that if you do activities with your children while your daughter's friends are visiting to try to do inexpensive things like go for walks, play board games or visit malls (if the friends don't bring money to shop, they can window shop.) Save the more expensive things as things for your family to do so you don't feel you're obligated to pay for everyone else.

Hannah - posted on 07/23/2011

6

53

0

First off I'd sit your daughter down & give her a heads up that your going to be having a talk with her friends & their parents. Be honest & straight forward with everyone. First off, being there every weekend does not mean that they need to go with you on family things. If you want to let your daughter INVITE a friend then it needs to be done before the weekend. Then let the friend know where you're going and that she needs to bring approximate amount of $$$. If she doesn't have it, then you'll have to take her home before the family event. I realize taking her home may be an issue but woulnt you wanna stick to your rules? So its ok to come over for sleepovers, but it's over at 9-10am. Then she'll have to go home & her parents need to come and get her. Make sure to lay out these rules before hand with your daughter, the friend's parents and the friend. Then stick to your guns. If they don't agree with the terms then don't let them come over. FYI ~ I think it'd still be acceptable to invite a friend to accompany y'all. Tho if you do this you need to be prepared to pay for food & drinks. Anything extra needs to be covered by her family. This may make you feel guilty for buying your daughter things but DO NOT! If yu let guilt guide you or sympathy, you're gnna end up with another kid. Additionally, you might add that you like the girls but that they can't live with you. Staying over is different than being in your house all weekend long. I'd stick to the structure for a while before making any adjustments (allowing Fri & Sat night rather than just one night). Don't beat around the bush. Set up your ground rules & then stick to them. Be straight forward & honest &. Firm. Good luck.

Diana - posted on 07/23/2011

4

0

0

It sounds like you are trying to please your children 100%. You are better than me. I have an issue with parents that allow their children to spend too much time with other families. Although my family affair is better than theirs. I would sit my children down and tell them STOP we are not going to have this again. Tell your friends. I would leave it up to them first. Call the parents. They will be rude like the father taking care of a sick dog PLEASE. So that should tell you something. It tells me who is more important. Personally I would not want my child with someone else all of the time. And then they don't provide MONEY. The rule is NO. The treat is YES. My family is very private. My daughter is now 25, college grad, lives on her own with a car that is paid for and working. This comes from not having other families to infringe other values in her head. You are in charge and you are the MOTHER not the baby sister. Instead of going out until you gain the strength to say NO there will be no more treats for your daughters or their friends. The treat would be "Mom will be back within an hour and go get a pedicure for you! Do something for you. Mom's need some mom time. They are old enough to sit and behave for that length of time. TRUST ME. Get the strength and realize you are in charge not them and especially not their parents.

22 Comments

View replies by

Crystal - posted on 04/05/2014

1

1

0

We usually don't allow friends over if we have plans unless my daughter's ask ahead of time if they can invite there friends. We make sure they have there own money. I don't mind if they come over during the week and ask for snack or drink and I always offer them something if I'm cooking and they are there. My MIL doesn't allow my kids friends over cause she said she's not feeding the neighborhood. Which is sad cause my kids want to hang out with friends and don't go over to her house much because of it but You need to make sure your daughter's tells her friends the guidelines for having friends over. For example.. one night only and can join you out if invited. My kids know to always ask ahead of time and if they don't and there friends come over there told that they can't play that day. Some parents just allow there kids to go anywhere for days at a time. Not us. We enjoy having our kids at home. Good luck!

Tiffanie - posted on 10/19/2011

8

16

1

Cathy L..is right on!! I think its all about planning ahead and setting up guidelines PRIOR. It puts the responsibilty back on the other parents..where it belongs and not on you!

[deleted account]

I had the same BFF from 10 - now (34) and we would do the same thing so my mom would throw us out and tell us I wasn't allowed back home until sunday night. During the summers my mom and her mom would take turns throwing us both out every 3-4 days and if they wanted to spend time alone with us all they had to was ask us to go home and tell us " u guys can see each other tomorrow" and we were ok with it

Stifler's - posted on 07/31/2011

15,141

154

604

A dog to take care of? WTF. Tell your kids no one is coming over every second weekend or something so you can have family time without having to pay for extra hangers on. They should bring money if they're always coming over, fair enough if it was a one off you might pay but not all the time.

Silvia - posted on 07/31/2011

7

0

0

Hi Jessica, I live in USA for 3 years, everything is new for me, I try to be nice with people and believe they will be nice to me till they prove not to be. One 10 years old girl is different than a 13 years old girl. They just change a lot from one summer to another. This year they want to go shopping, they want talk in the phone in their room, I have to respect it. I do a lot of activity with my 2 daughters and try to be very close with them; This is why other kids love to be in my house or around us, they are curios, they like the food, the music and the environment in my house. I consider my family a very happy family. My daughter want to invite her friends to go shopping for example, I don’t see anything wrong on it. I drive them to the shopping mall, but they will be there for 3 hours for example, watching windows, experiencing something new for them . Do you think its my fault that I take care of my daughter and make sure she is safe and has some cash for some snack while the other mother didn’t give any cash to her daughter, even knowing she was going to be in the shopping mall for 3 hours? Off coarse its not my fault, I’m doing my part spending my time driving, being around, the other mother should also know that her daughter is now a teen and should give her some cash too. Why should I tell to her “Hey, I’m not yours daughter bank". Unfortunately I only started to have this problem this year. Again, I affirm that the girls are very nice people, their parents are the ones that don’t have a clue about costs, time and when its too far. Not all my daughters’ friends are like that, she also has other friends whom parents are very correct person. My problem is only with 2 specific family and I didn’t know what to do till I got tired of their attitude and told to them how I think it should be, I wished I didn’t have to tell it to them, I wished I didn’t have to say that I not responsible for their daughter expense . But I had to say before it got worst and thanks to the Circle of Mom who helped me to see that I was stressed because of other people problem. No more.

Jessica - posted on 07/26/2011

165

26

15

Why let your daughter's friends stay over if you don't like it? Why offer to take them to the carnival if you don't want to pay for them? You only have yourself to blame really, not to be rude, but if it bothers you that much to be spending all this extra money, then simply don't let them come over.

Maura - posted on 07/26/2011

22

7

0

Silvia,
You have a right to be stressed about this. It sounds like you are being taking advantage of. My 12 year old daughter likes to spend alot time at her best friend house. I try to balance if by inviting her bf over. If I pay for her friend, her friend's mother pays the next time. If I invite one her friends to do soemthing, I don't mind paying. If there is more than one friend and it is not a birthday party, I tell the parent what the cost of the event will be. There has never been a problem and the parents have always been aprreciative of what I do with the kids. Unfortunately, some people in this world are takers, and it sounds like the friend's dad (with the dog is one), Try to have your daughter expand her horizons or limit the time with this friend until things improve. Good luck!

Silvia - posted on 07/25/2011

7

0

0

Hi Johanna, the girl was behaving ok, I just wanted to have a Sunday for my family and go to the beach with my kids without to need to take care of someone elses kid one more day. I wanted to weak up and do not need to take care of anybody else besides my own family. I totaly agree with you that my daughter will have to make new friends in this school year. What motivated me to write this question was exactly the fact that the girl father said he could not come to pick up his daughter because he found a dog and didnt want let the dog sick alone in his house. This is what drove me nuts, that i was doing all that for his daughter and he could not thanks me or ask me if he owned me something with the carnival, and had the nerve of to make me to drive his daughter late at night to his house because of a sick dog that he found on the street. Believe me, the whole situation was so crazy. The girl certanly wont come to my house so soon even if she is a nice person. I told her that night that it was not nice that her father was giving so much attention to this dog and didnt want to come to pick up her when i had other things to do and was tired after to stay in the carnival for hours with them all. She told it to her father and guess what? He was mad with me and saying that im a mean person. It got me so hurted at all that i ended up in a discussion with my husband. Now we decided that no more sleep over in my house and only play dates in certain days only for the afternoon, no more play dates around dinner time and i wont pay any expenses to her friends. If my daughter wants to have a friend with her for carnival or for beach clube, they will need to bring cash and be delivered and picked up by their parents in certain time. I just had no ideia how to deal with all that till it got to a point that made me so stressed. Somethimes is hard to see how people are taking advantage of your kindness.

JOHANNA - posted on 07/25/2011

11

5

0

I think your daughter is old enough to understand your point and she should start learning to fight her own battles if she still wants her friends to go out with you as a family. If you can't get through to the parents then your daughter will have to tell her friends to ask their own parents for pocket money to go out with you. You say you didn't want one of her friends at your house one more night, was she misbehaving ? What kind of people is your daughter mixing with anyway that a father should say he has to take care of his dog and expects you to bring his child back ! I say your daughter needs new friends !

[deleted account]

My advice on the divorced parents-have them over and get to know them so you can have your daughter at their place sometimes?? And on the spending money-i would tell the parents that thats fine for her to sleep over say once a fortnight or once a month but has to go home at such and such a time or come on your outing but will need to bring own spending money alternatibly you could tell your daughter that if her friend is coming and doesn't have the money she will have to use her pocket money to fund it?? Not a great alternative but then your daughter might think twice before inviting friends when she has to pay for them

Silvia - posted on 07/24/2011

7

0

0

Hi Sheila, i liked all the comments here, its helped me a lot to take actions and talk with my daughter and show her what other parents said. About the divorced parents I dont have any problem with them, the situation is that: the man is single now and i dont know him to much, and he personally prefer to bring his daughter to my house, about the girl's mom, she lives with the girl but always has a boyfriend over, so, i dont think its safe for my daughter to sleep over in her friends house because the moter will be out or have the boyfriend over (who i dont know too)... so again my house is the best place for them to be... but than im acting as babysitter for her mother to go out and have a nice weekend while im paying for her daughter little treats, this is my point, im over the limite with al this situation. The two girls (friends of my daughter) are amazing girls and they love my house, this makes things hard for me, because im taking too much responsability, spending time, money, cooking, all that.. I just didnt know what to do or how to stop this cicle, especially because i want have my own time and do not pay for other kids besides my own kids. To know what other moms do and what they think helped me a lot. Thanks to all of you for sharing yours advices here.

Sheila - posted on 07/23/2011

36

30

7

Speaking as someone who practically spent every weekend at my bff's house my first 2 years of H.S, you definitely need to speak up and say something, at least to the parents. You should tell them that although you enjoy having their daughter over (a little white lie) that it would be very helpful if when she comes over that they give her some spending money in case you decide to go to the beach/restaurant etc. Whenever I went to a friends house for the weekend my parents always gave me 10-20 so I could pay for my own meals at a restaurant or buy snacks for everyone, and I always helped with the cooking, cleaning and babysitting of my friends younger siblings. You should come up with some sort of rules, because you and your family are probably a God-send to the daughter of the drunk. I hope I misunderstood your meaning about the girl with the divorced parents. Did you mean that because her parents are divorced your daughter is not allowed to go to their home(s)? You are not made of money though and something does need to give. I hope you can find a solution that pleases you and keeps your daughters friendships intact! Best of luck!

Laura - posted on 07/22/2011

1

0

0

You have absolutely legitimate complaints, and would be justified in putting your foot down and setting boundaries and expectations, starting with your daughter.

However, think about this: Right now, your daughter and her friends WANT to do activities with you, where you can watch over them. If you put a stop to this, there is a good chance you will be under increasing pressure from your daughter to let her go to activities outside your supervision, and you will lose touch with her friends. If you hold fast to not letting your daughter spend time with her friends at their houses, this may drive a wedge between the two of you at a delicate time in her life.

It's quite possible you may be able to work out a compromise with your daughter that will be acceptable to everyone (alternate weeks? a monetary limit? Ask her for ideas).

Good luck!

Marcia - posted on 07/22/2011

1

21

0

Girl put your foot down and say no!!!! I have 5 kids and mine already know we can't and won't feed everybody! When my kids have company they have a start time and end time. My husband and I work to hard during the week to be bombarded every weekend with extra kids. Kids need boundaries and we as parents need them to survive.

Shannintipton - posted on 07/20/2011

36,025

50

681

I would start off by talking with your daughter. Telling her not to invite her friends in the first place. I know what you mean. I hate being the bad guy but you have done way more than your fair share. It gets old real quick. But that doesn't help, you may just have to say something. I know it is not pleasant. I going threw a similar situation. I don't want to have to talk to the parent about their child. You should not be put in that situation. But kids are just kids. I don't think they get it. I am afraid you may have to say something if telling your daughter not to invite them over doesn't work. Good luck. :)

Sam - posted on 07/20/2011

221

0

29

I agree have a set time for them to go home and just tell your daughter you can not afford to pay for her friends.

Tamara - posted on 07/20/2011

10,839

65

437

You could do a if they spend the night friday then they have to go home at a certain time, If you are leaving early then arrange for them to get picked up or drop her off. You should not have to be a cruise director to other peoples kids. You are allowed to have family time with Only your family. Your daughter will probably fuss at first but it will pass.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms