Advise needed about dealing with my husband's ex

Mellissa - posted on 05/12/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3. We have a 9 year old daughter together. He also has a 12 year old daughter(which he hasn't seen in over 10 years) with his exgirlfriend. We've had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship (esp. When our daughter was battling cancer, thank God she's in remission) but the circumstances between his ex and him have poisoned our marriage. She took their daughter away from him when she was 2 and told him to never contact them. Up until a few years ago he did as she requested. My daughter wanted to be in her sisters life so I begged my husband to seek visitation. He refused because he didn't want to "upset" his ex. He had always said that she was spoiled and got her way in life being an only child from an affluent family so he didn't want problems with her. Then he finally filed visitation paperwork at our local courthouse(reluctantly). The mother was served the documents but lied about her identity and whereabouts so he gave up! He said that since she keeps rejecting him it isn't worth persuing(as if it's Her he's after!).She wrote him a letter for the first time after this saying that it's her decision to keep their daughter from him and to keep away. He cried because she rejected him Again. I tried to friend her on FB to have communication and maybe see pictures of his daughter but she blocked me. Our daughter has drawn pictures and sent cards for her sister on every birthday but they get sent back "return to sender" in his ex's handwriting. ....
From the very beginning of our relationship it was clear that he still had feelings for this woman. When asked he'd say that she left him or they'd be together but she didn't want him. Honestly I think that he's scared and insecure because we don't make as much money as their family so he feels he can't be the dad their daughter "deserves"(he's told me plenty stories of how her family thought he wasn't good enough for her). Yet he's good enough for me and my child? I love him dearly but understand that love is blind. Of course I'm jealous of her and what he possibly thinks of her but need closure somehow. Is it in my relationships best interest to "get over it"?

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Mellissa - posted on 05/12/2015

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Thank you for your incite; it's greatly appreciated. Counseling seems like the next chapter in our lives. Hopefully my husband will be up for it.

Raye - posted on 05/12/2015

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If the mother doesn't want him (or his "new family") in her and the child's life, and he does not have it in him to fight for his rights as a father, then it seems like that matter is settled. Sorry for your daughter not getting to know her sister, but sometimes the children have to deal with the decisions of the parents. You are not the parent of the other girl, so you have to live with their decision also.

Your husband is with you, not her, so why is it "poisoning your marriage"? If you have ever loved anyone, especially when it was not your decision to part, of course there is a part of you that may grieve that loss. It's natural. But that doesn't mean he can't be fully committed to you. Whether she rejected him or whatever, you both have to get past it. If you or he is struggling, maybe you need to get in family counseling.

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