all or nothing????

Tiffany - posted on 11/19/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

6

15

0

my kids only see their dad about 2 to 3 times about every two to three months, and when this happens it really takes a toll on them. should i continue to allow this or should i just put a stop to it now? i dont know whats worse, missing their dad or being disappointed by him repeatedly!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Josefina - posted on 07/02/2012

29

15

2

I absolutely put my foot down wen it first began, that he cudn't see them or didn't want to see them. I flat out told him he was already just a half time dad, now hes going to reduce this time by not keeping up to his word and being a parent and spending time with them.... No, mam that is when i said either you will see them or you will not, but you will not be in and out of there lives. Smartest move i have ever made in my life. Needless to say he is out of there lives now, but at least they don't wonder, they don't care, and they are fine. If the donor doesn't see how that harms a child well then for realz he has no business in the kids life....

This conversation has been closed to further comments

16 Comments

View replies by

Lisa - posted on 11/20/2009

46

9

1

I have had to make a similar decision recently. We have custody orders with my children where I have primary custody and he has visitation on set days. We attempted to adjust his visitation on a trial basis because the children initially wanted to spend more time with their father and 2 other siblings. However, after trying this over a school year, I constantly had my children throwing fits not to go there, coming home complaining about everything, grades dropping, attitudes changing, and so forth. At the end of the year after telling their father all of this, I adjusted the schedule back as the court ordered it. Needless to say their father argued about it saying the children seemed fine when they were there like I was making things up. So now it's thought by him and his wife that I am trying to come between them (him and the children) and keep them from him which is not the case. After months of tossing it around in my mind and considering other alternatives I made the decision that I felt was best for my children. Now, they continue to go to their dad's as originally planned, they are both doing very well in school, and are very happy. My exhusband however, is not happy. It's taken me a long time to sift thru the fact that it's not my exhusband I need to make happy, it's my children. He left, he signed the papers for the custody arrangement, now it is his responsibility to take care of his part in raising these children while he has them and has an open door of communication with them when I have them but does not use it. Every situation is different and will have its own circumstances. Depending on the ages and mentality of the children I would let them 'show' you what you need to do. Pay attention to their actions not simply words. Give things time before making a decision and most importantly talk to the children and find out what their true feelings are...watch their actions. If need be consult a counselor or lawyer for options also.

Tiffany - posted on 11/20/2009

6

15

0

their father does not work, live with his sister and knows he can see our children when ever he wants to, he choses not to. i have tried talking to him about this numerous times. i have explained to him how upset they get when he dosent show or for example when my 3yr old cries for him at bedtime and i hear my 6yr comforting her with the excuses that i have given him for his dad not showing up. my father left me for 6 yrs when i was 10 years old, i was very much a daddys girl, so i know all to well the pain they are going thru. its def a lose lose situation, thanks so much ladies for all the advice!! they are very young, and of course they want to see their daddy, so i think my best bet is to go through the courts, maybe if he knows his rights are at stake he will make a effort to be a father!! thanks again!

[deleted account]

As a mom we want to bear the pain that our kids feel esp when dealing with an absent parent. Only you know whats right for your kids so I would suggest praying on it. If you stop the visits just remember that when the kids get older he is gonna tell them that you kept him away from them, but if you let them see his checkered visitation pattern the kids will see for themselves and there won't be any annimosity toward you.



Good Luck,

*S*

Rebecca - posted on 11/19/2009

1,988

118

313

If he is paying child support then i say you can't really force him to stop. If it is really bad ask that he visit the kids in your home or with you present. I know it might not be the best thing for you to be there but then you can get a glimps of what is going on. If he isn't paying child support request that he signs over the rights to the kids or you will take him to court for back child support if he puts up a fuss. My father signed over rights to myself and my sister but he pays support for our brother...weird i know but that's how it goes. My sister still wants contact with him and she is just liek him in every way! I have not seen myfather since i was 2 months old with good reason and i am so glad my mother did what she did or i might not be here today. You might think you are doing your kids a favor by having their father in their life, but in reality it sounds liek it is damaging them. Sprem does not make you a father. A pressence in a childs life and being consistant does. Sounds like he only comes when it's convenient for him which isn't fair to the kids at all. If you are in a relationship with someone they are more of a father figure then the actual father. My mother married after we left my father and i consider him my father even though they are no longer together adnw e still visit him and my mother still talks to him even though she is in a realtionship with someone else for 7 years. Just do what you feel suits you and your kids. I think deep down you already know what you need to do but you're worried of the outcome. Trust me they will be better off then have someone so inconsistant in their lives:)
Good luck:)

Lisa - posted on 11/19/2009

113

19

21

If you cut dad off, the kids will blame you later. Even if dad is a jerk.

Say vague, nice things to them about dad. Make no promises. Don't tell them dad is coming for a visit until you are really, really sure. Do your best to not mention him at all. If they ask, say he is "very busy." (With a straight face!)

They aren't stupid. As they get older, they will figure it out for themselves and the blame will lie solely on him. But insulating them from the drama as much as you can now will help keep them from getting hurt until they are older and can handle it better.

There is really no "best" solution - only the one that hurts the kids the least. Sorry.

[deleted account]

im not going to tell you to stop it or to not stop but i will say this i no what your kids are going threw i seen my dad when i was little four days out of the month because thats what him an my mom came up with. an when i was with my dad i never seen him because he would always drop me of at a family members house. i hated going with my dad, its nuthin like broken promise after broken promise, well im now 23 i have not talk to my dad since i was 17 an im ok with it, maybe you should ask your kids what they want, because i no if my mom would have ask my opionon on the matter i would have told her i dont want to see him

[deleted account]

Do you have any sort of custody agreement? If not then you really should get one done. It protects both parties (for an extreme example, if there is no agreement and he has your kids, he DOES NOT legally have to return them. He can keep them from you and then you would have to be the one to either take him to court or trick him into giving them back). Yes, it can get pricey, but most states have fee waiver programs that you could try to to qualify for. Other states even have legal aid, which can help you get lawyer services for little to no cost to get this kind of stuff taken care of.



If you do have an agreement, then is he following it? Is that all the time he is allowed in the agreement? Is that all the time he wants? Is he not taking advantage of the time awarded to him? Maybe you should take him back to court if he is not following the orders (i.e. missing visits) and have the agreement redone.



My oldest daughter's biological mother only sees our daughter for 2 weeks every 3 months. It is hard on our daughter (especially sincer her biological mother never calls between visits), but she wanted the visitation time with her bio mom. Yes, her emotions are on edge and she gets a little "diva-ish" when she comes home after her visits, but our daughter wants to see her bio mom, so she does. What do your kids want? Would they rather have an absent father, or one they can see every once in a while?



In the end, no matter what route you take the court is going to look at what is in the best interest of the CHILDREN. Not your best interests, not the father's best interests, but the children's best interests. Just keep that in mind and make sure it is always on the forefront of your mind. In the end, the court and your children will repspect you for it.

Natalie - posted on 11/19/2009

51

29

3

Thats a real difficult question Tiffany, I really feel for you and esp your kids... I don't know the reason why or the story behind him not helping you out, have you confronted him? or is it a touchy subject where you just end up fighting in front of the kids? It is important that they still see their father of course, but at the end of the day only you know whats best for them. If you can both work out dates like every second weekend or and stick to it then good on him - but if he doesn't want a bar of it then he doesn't deserve them. All the best.

Melissa - posted on 11/19/2009

377

56

51

I agree with the other women, talk to their father and tell him what it's doing to your kids. The dissapointment. I hat the look my son gets when he is dissapointed. Are you seeing anyone else? In my situation, my son see's his father whenever his father feels like coming around, but I have an amazing boyfriend for over 3 years, and he does everything for and with my son. He is better than my son's real father. If I could I would tell his father to stop coming around. My boyfriend does want to adopt my son. So, I would just talk to your kids father and give him that option. I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck!!!

Jenn - posted on 11/19/2009

213

23

46

I don't necessarily agree with the others. What is i that they are disappointed about? What goes on when he does visit them? Sometimes in situations like this where the parents are separated, really most the time the non custodial parent ends up being a "part time" parent simply because the children don't live with them. If he only gets the see them that much there has to be a reason. I don't think it would be in their best interest to take away their father simply because he doesn't see them as often. I think the kids would eventually come to resent you for making the decision to see their father or not for them. And really, you do have to think of the children and what they want not what you want. Its not just the fathers right you would be taking away it would be the kid's rights to see their father. If he isn't abusing them, an the kids are taken care of, then I don't see a need to take their father out of their lives. As long as they want their father you should not prevent that. Now when they are older and are more aware of what is going on they may change their mind and say I don't want to see dad anymore, but that would be their decision. I have seen situations where a father just isnt able to visit as much as he would like do to work or distance and he suffers because it seems like he doesn't want to see his kids that much. All in all I think you should continue to let them see their father.

Jennifer - posted on 11/19/2009

14

35

0

You should have a one on one with thier Dad. The kids may be better off without him, but obviously they love their daddy. Stopping dad from coming around completly will just hurt the kids even more.

Shanta-Kei - posted on 11/19/2009

34

22

6

I agree with Louise and Kayla, try and talk to the father first. Give him the option of being there or not. If he decides to not be there then that's his choice and HE will have to live with the consequences of deciding to not be a father. Yes it will hurt your children, but in the long run it's better for their hearts. I believe that Children need a strong foundation of love and trust and respect to build upon.

Jessica - posted on 11/19/2009

9

69

0

Is he a good dad when he does see them? Not having a parent around definitely takes a toll on kids...especially boys with their fathers. Try talking to your ex and let him know how badly his inconsistency is affecting the kids. Taking away their father all together will most likely make them blame you in the end.

Kayla - posted on 11/19/2009

6

24

0

Take it up with the father...let him know his options...either he gets more involved or he gets out of their lives. You always run the risk of him not being there are all but if that happens then your kids are better off without him.

[deleted account]

Ive seen this happen with many of my friends it's a hard situation...could you try talking to their dad and explain that if he wants to be a dad he needs to be their for his children being a part time dad is not an option it's unfair to the children...if he cant stick to it let him know you will stop all access! at the end of the day he's got to understand that his childrens well-being comes first! he needs to step up and earn the right to be called dad and stop letting his children down!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms