Almost 38 yrs old, pregnant and not sure what I want to do.

Sue - posted on 06/04/2013 ( 54 moms have responded )

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I am going to be 38 yrs old soon and just found out I am about a month pregnant. I am scared and have so many mixed emotions. I have 2 other kids under the age of 10 and I am very happy with our family. I never expected to conceive another child.

I never thought in my life I would ever consider abortion but I am worried because of my age and for the child's health bc the older you are the more risk for abnormalities. I also am concerned because a lot of people in my family died under 50 yrs of age. I don't excercise as I should and I eat "ok" i'm not a health fanatic and I smoke. I am very content with my life but just never expected this. I feel so guilty for even thinking the possibility of termination but am petrified if we can financially have another child, will I have the energy to be a good mom like I was to my other 2 kids, will I live to see this child graduate highschool or even possibly get married. the odds seem so stacked against me.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Chantal - posted on 06/09/2013

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Please don't terminate your baby there are so many better options! People like me are trying so desperately to adopt. Have you considered the possibility of adoption? Alot of people searching for babies will offer Open Adoption so you can stay in contact with your child with out having to raise them.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/07/2013

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You will live to see your child graduate. You will be fine! God would not give you this gift if your life couldn't handle it. My only sister and I are 12 years apart, my mom was 35 when she had her, trust me the difference between 35 and 38 is like nothing, is your body much different than it was 3 years ago? I also know a gorgeous 44 year old who just had her first pregnancy, a set of twins!!!! Don't worry Sue! You're going to be fine :)

Good luck sweetie!

Oredola - posted on 06/07/2013

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dont think of abortion you can have the baby since you have not reach 40yrs, just stop smoking and see your doctor regularly you will deliver a fine baby and be prayerful

Evangelyna - posted on 06/09/2013

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This isn't a pro-life/choice debate so I think you should just agree to disagree and move on towards actually being helpful and responding to the issue at hand.

Mary - posted on 06/09/2013

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Chantal, the OP stated pretty clearly that she did not want to place a baby up for adoption. No justification or explanation is necessary; that is a highly personal choice. I think most of the world is aware that there are couples looking to adopt, so I don't think that this is a startling revelation to the OP. I do think that many people tend to overlook or gloss over the fact that carrying a pregnancy to term and then giving that baby up is an excruciatingly painful and difficult thing to do, and simply cannot contemplate going down that road. No one could or should fault another women for being honest enough to say that they are incapable of it.

Ani - abortion is not "murder". By definition, murder is "The unlawful killing of another human being without justification". In most areas of the world, abortion is not illegal within certain time parameters. I understand that you are trying to be dramatic and engage in emotional blackmail by making a conflicted woman feel badly - but just knock it off. It's really not an effective means of persuasion, and no one really gives a crap what your personal views are on abortion. This thread isn't about you.

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Monika - posted on 06/12/2013

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Hello.
I wasn't going to write any more, but seeing this post I couldn't help myself. I was under the impression that you're afraid to have the child mainly because of your age=you want to stay healthy for your children, yet in this post it seems that it's mainly the financial aspect. I was surprised to hear you smoke. My father died of lung cancer caused by smoking when I was 16. If you want to live long you should quit as soon as possible. If it's really the finances that make you think of termination, please reconsider, once you hold the baby, you will change your mind. As for lack of space, I grew up in Europe, in a normal income family, we had food, toys, and some extra, but I did share the room with both my mom and my sister. The only place I could play in was under the table. Right now I live in a small mobile home (admiteddly, with 4 acres of land the children can play on) and I'm in the process of turning the small drafty spare room into my baby's bedroom. It's a dreary task as we even felt bad about keeping our pet rabbit in there. The only other good bedroom is my stepsons and even though I love him to bits, I know that it's the fact that we have two children in the house now, that disables me from having another child with my husband, a child I'm yearning for but we can't start trying for it as we have insufficient funds. So truly, I'm hoping that one day soon God will bless us with a pregnancy even though we use protection. And even if they will then have to share a room or I will have to build it with my own hands, my heart will be full of joy.

Chantal - posted on 06/11/2013

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Have you looked into any alternatives besides abortion. My husband and I are trying to adopt and it is not like it use to be. Alot of adoptive parents keep in close contact with the birth parents so they can still be a part of their life without the stress of having to raise them. It is worth checking into even if you don't follow through.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 06/11/2013

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Bo Ashley, your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy to hear your story and how your baby seemed to change your life! Amazing isn't it?! Your very inspirational and I hope your proud bc im proud and don't even know you!

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 06/11/2013

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I understand how hard this could be for you but there are many better alternatives besides termination. It already sounds like just the thought of abortion hurts you and it will be something you have to live with all your life. If you truly can not parent this child then there are many other families that would see it as a gift whether it had abnormalities or not. I know of someone who Just adopted a little girl who's mom was addicted to heroin her whole pregnancy. The baby went through withdraws and could have other possible complications but the adoptive parents don't care one bit and love her to pieces. If you do decide to parent then look at it as a chance to get healthier. Your other kids needs you too !! This could be Gods way of encouraging you to live healthier and prevent disease or early death. It's your decision ultimately but you should make one that you'll be able to live with for the rest of your life. Good luck and I wish you the best

Nathu - posted on 06/11/2013

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Well, if you are the only one who need to support the family, of course you need to think whether you have the ability, time, energy etc for it. If you husband's injury is not so bad that he cannot look after your child, then how about putting your baby up for adoption, It is a better choice than having insufficient of everything for him/her. At least you get to choose the kind of family s/he can live with,

Your husband should be able to get disability benefits (if it's work related). Don't either of you have other family members to help you with at all?

Regardless, you actually seem to know what you want. You just have to list out the pros and cons of keeping it and giving it up for adoption.

As to your smoking, if you are not strong enough to stop smoking, then you shouldn't have the baby. Plus you ar hurting the baby's health. And if finance is a concern, why are you spending your money on a worthless habit?

So, it's a matter of where to cut unncessarily funds to use it where it's needed.

Good luck!

Sue - posted on 06/11/2013

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Hello Nathu,

Thank you for your post. I am for the most part a healthy person and eat healthy. They only downfall is the smoking.

As a smoker, I can say this I know for too many reasons it's not healthy or right to do but it is one of the hardest things to do once you are addicted. I am not proud to say this but I know a lot of women who smoked when they were pregnant and fortunately all of their kids were healthy and to date years and years later have no problems.
I am more concerned with the long hall of the decision to keep the baby for financial reasons, room in my home etc I don't have a big house and we're tight in my house as it is etc. We took precautions and this was complete surprise. I like the one person wrote in the post have to think of what's best for myself and more importantly my family and our future. I just keep praying for the light to direct me which decision to make because at the end of the day I am the one that has to live with it (which is a big thing for me) and at the end should I keep on with the pregnancy, I am athe one who has to support financially the baby and the future of all of my kids. I am the one who will have to continue to juggle workingfull time, being the one who works (my husband got injured badly at work and has been out for over a year) and bottom line is a lot of this is on me regardless of whatever decision I end up making.

It's by far the hardest decision i have had to make with the exception of having to take the machines off of my young dying mother.

Nathu - posted on 06/11/2013

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Congratulations!

Do not fear. YOU MUST QUIT SMOKING OR YOU WILL HURT YOUR FETUS. If you want to keep the baby, then start eating well and right, and do a lot of daily walking. You see, I had my baby girl when I was your age too, and my gf had her baby when she was 41, and then another at 48. Both her babies are big and healthy too She was a skinny woman and even I cannot see her baby bump until she was 6 -7 months pregnant.

If i were you, I'd read up as much as I can and eat right, for both our sake. You may also want to go for amniocentesis at the early stage of your pregnancy. This test will tell you whether you baby is normal or not. You can then make your decision as well.

But I do hope you keep your baby. You are lucky to have 2 kids plus another. I wish I have as well. It's hard work, but as they get older, and you teach them the right path. and give them a healthy childhood, you will find much happiness in being mother of an infant again.

If you decide to keep your child, you must not engage in irresponsible habits that will retard his/her growth when s/he is growing in your womb, please!.

Take care and good luck!

Ana - posted on 06/10/2013

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I had my son four years ago, I was 40, I didn't plan this pregnancy, but it was the best I ever had and I finally realize my dream of being a boys mom. It is not easy to start all over again and he is very demanding, because of him I found smoking a bad habit and I just quit, I was a social smoker. i don't know, but in my opinion you should have a baby and start a new and helathy life. Good luck!

Bo - posted on 06/10/2013

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Posted too soon, but what I was saying was that at 6 weeks pregnant with my son I was experiencing a miscarriage. The blood, pain, fear.... But I was considering abortion during this time. I cried and cried to God not to take my baby. I thought he was gone but in the hospital I saw his heart beat and it was the sweetest thing that could have ever happened. And now, hes such a great toddler. I overcame being a stripper, no father of my child, no idea how to raise him and now everything is great. totally different life. My boyfriend who I met at 5 months pregnant came in and overcame all these obstacles with me.
Keep your head yup momma!

Bo - posted on 06/10/2013

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This is wonderful! You are pregnant, congratulations! your baby has a heartbeat, growing eyes and ears, she is a living human fetus. Don't water the facts down.
Your children will be delighted, your bad habits will break.... Everything happens for a reason my love, embrace the meaning of your gift!
My son survived

Sue - posted on 06/10/2013

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so so true and he's being very supportive. I know like me, part of him would like to keep the baby but the other part is seriously concerned at the future not just for us but for the unborn child as well. I watched my parents struggle all my life and I've worked hard to not have to live that kind of life but it seems that the luck I have - things just don't go the way they're supposed to and the older I get the more I feel I am maybe not as bad off as they were but i'm pretty damn close to it. I don't want to make things worse and I just am so split right down the middle. I am going to go to a counseling session at plan parenthood (something you have to do before terminating) so I am hoping after counseling that will help me to make my decision. I keep praying to God and my mom to help guide me in the right direction because I'm so so torn and unfortunately the decisions is up to ony me and I am the one that has to live with it one way or another.

Katie Yahs - posted on 06/10/2013

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definitely an overwhelming decision, you and your husband have to make all the scarfices and decisions next 18 + years not all these judgement women. good luck take care hun ♥

Sue - posted on 06/10/2013

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Thank you Monika. I can go on and on about the tragedies, drama, stress etc that has happened. Believe me my friends and many that know me say all of the time they don't know how I do it and am as happy/positive with all I have had to deal with and continue to deal with. I am believe me looking at every aspect and trying to think/be positive. I just have so many concerns that keep not making me feel positive about this or the future of my family.

Thanks again for your encouraging words and honest responses.

Katie Yahs - posted on 06/10/2013

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if the mother dies the baby's heart stops too, so the mother is keeping baby alive, its not murder, write Obama a letter not me

Katie Yahs - posted on 06/10/2013

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yes may have a heartbeat but it can NOT survive on its own for long time that's why abortion is LEGAL intill 25 weeks

Monika - posted on 06/10/2013

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I'm so sorry to hear about all the deaths in your family, it would've crushed me completely. I already posted an encouraging post so I won't be repeating myself. All I want to add is that my husband's friends just had a baby and the mother is around 39 right now, she only had gestational diabetes which went away after birth, no health problems whatsoever apart from that, normal vaginal birth too. The baby is happy and healthy. I know it depends on pregnancy of course. I understand the finances perfectly as yesterday I had a scare that we wont make it home as we ran out of this weeks money and the gas light went on. I realized then how little money we have (I come from a family that never had financial probs so I never understood it before...), but I'd still have a second baby if it turned out that our contraception didn't work, as when you think about it , it will be more family, another person that will care about you, and when he or she is 16, they can start figuring out their own financial path, get their first job, that's what my husband did and he has the fondest memories of his childhood, he has 3 siblings and used to wear crocheted clothes and used ones, had to earn his own first car and he turned out to be a great person, loving his truck driver's job, loving his mom and being grateful to her for teaching him about family and about the fact that it's love and not the money that matters. If for those few years you'll have to get financial aid, at least you deserve it, not like those teens that get pregnant on purpose to be forever on welfare ...

Sue - posted on 06/10/2013

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Thank you Katie Yahs Daughter. Sometimes you take precautions and yet can still find yourself in a situation not expectant. I never in my life thought I'd ever even consider it but there's just so much to weigh and I just am really questioning the timing and so many other factors. i believe it's a woman's right because Like i said in my previous post, one doesn't know until they're in that person's shoes and I am worried about a lot of things if I am to go through with the pregnancy. At the same time I don't believe it should be used as birth control or anything like that but sometimes you are in a really tough spot and don't see many other options for you as an individual. Thanks for the positive post.

Katie Yahs - posted on 06/10/2013

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if its murder why did the government & president say its legal? ? I myself could die if I fell pregnant so adoption or a Pregnancy is out the question, if my birth control failed I'd have to get a abortion

Sue - posted on 06/10/2013

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Thank you everyone for your honesty and encouragement.
To those that commented (a select few). ...........I am going to respond by stating the following:
I am not a murderer. I am actually a very kind, nice, loving, devoted, loyal, caring person that is always going over and beyond for others. I am not a teenager and just spreading my legs. I am married for 10 years and we did take precaution (without having to go into detail). Sometimes it's not 100% effective.
I put the post on there knowing there was a possibility of some critics but I was just wanting some people's honest opinion and hoping it will help me to make the decision that's best FOR ME and MY FAMILY.
It's easier said then done to just "budget" your money. I have no extra money to begin with. My husband hurt his back and has been out of work for the past year with no income. Some things aren't as much of an easy fix as we'd like them to be.
My health: I never said I wasn't exercising or unhealthy. I have had a very tragic few years with a lot very young and close to me passing including my mother & her mother (my grandmother) dying 8 days apart and 4 months later my mom's 48 yr old sister died. NOt counting her other 2 siblings that died very young as well...........some had cancer and couldnt prevent it. So whatever is in my cards is in my cards only one person knows when my time is up. I do believe that yes it is a blessing from God but sometimes things happen and it may not always be the best thing..........I can question like many others a lot of things that have happened that don't have no reason or make sense but I don't. I count the blessings I have and leave each day because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. You honestly shoulnd't be so critical of others when you're not walking in their shoes. I was always pro-choice but also believed depending on the woman's situation that it's her choice because I am not that person. It's always easy to give suggestions but when you're not walking in those shoes you really don't know.
As for adoption, I know there are plenty of families out there that would love to give a child a loving home. I personally couldn't see carrying my child full term and then giving it up. I know I couldn't do that. I have time to think and am doing that every second of the day to try to make sure whatever decision I make that it's the best one for me, my family and most importantly a decision I could live with because it's easy to say yes you'll be ok - everything will work itself out but in 5-10-15 years from now when I can't afford to feed my kid or put them through school, those criticizing me won't be there to support me.

Again, thank you to the many positive and honest responses. It is truly appreciated.
God Bless and have a good day.

Stacey - posted on 06/10/2013

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Babies are a gift from God! If he didn't see fit for you to have 1 more gift, he wouldn't have blessed you with this amazing new life. I pray everything works out for you and the precious baby growing inside you! I was 36 when I delivered my first baby 2 months ago and of course was scared about my age but she is happy and healthy. I just turned 37 yesterday and want more children, I hope we are lucky the next time around...

Jodi - posted on 06/09/2013

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*****MOD WARNING*****

This is NOT a debate about abortion, so please don't make it one.

Thank you
Jodi
WtCoM Mod

Evangelyna - posted on 06/09/2013

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With that being said, quitting smoking will drastically increase your energy levels, starting to eat healthier and light/moderate exercise will also help you have more energy. The fear of whether or not you will have the energy or time or be as good of a mother is not a new fear. So many women who are pregnant with a second, third, fourth + have these doubts in their abilities. The good thing is, your boys are older. They're not toddlers and they can actually HELP you. Most siblings, especially older ones, ADORE their baby siblings and are in complete awe of them. Plus, your abilities as a mother do not decrease as the number of children you have increase. You can do it.

The financial problems, those are temporary. You're not going to be in the hole forever. Plus babies are really not as expensive as people like to say they are. They get expensive when they're older and into sports and need to be shuttled around everywhere. Babies don't need much. You said you're only about a month along, you have 9 more months to figure out a new budget. The baby isn't going to be here tomorrow and the kid is definitely not going to care if you have brand new everything that he or she is going to grow out of faster than you can wear down.

Just because some people in your family had a short life span doesn't mean you will, you will die when you die. You can't predict it and you can't prevent it when the time comes. You can keep yourself healthy and take the steps necessary to keep yourself at a low risk for heart disease, stroke, etc. People of all ages die every day, tomorrow is promised to no one. I'm 21 and I could die at any time. It's just a fact of life and there's no point in worrying yourself over your inevitable demise. You're not immortal so one day it will happen. But you're not dead yet. :)

Back to the energy thing, my parents are in their mid-late 50s. They're not out running marathons but they still have a lot of energy and do a lot of things. They ride motorcycles thousands of miles just for a fun trip, they steal the 3 grandchildren (all under 4) for weekends of fun and wear THEM out. They're not the most physically fit people or the healthiest eaters, that's actually my biggest gripe and try to get them to eat better but whatever, they're healthy. My point being, your age does not determine your energy levels. I know women in their 70s who could run circles around me without breaking a sweat and I'm in pretty good shape lol

Yes, there are risks, there are risks for any pregnancy at any age. Not everyone who conceives after 35 is going to have a baby with a chromosomal abnormality. I know more people in their 20s whose babies were born with some sort of disability than the women I know who conceived past that age. Your risk is higher but not definite.

The fact that you feel guilty for even thinking about abortion tells me that you will most likely regret it if you go through with it. Just like with any decision in life if you're not completely sure and comfortable with even the thought of going down that particular path it's not the one for you. But in the end it is your life, your body and ultimately your decision to make. No one can make this decision for you.

You say you can see more cons than pros, understandable. I'm due next month and honestly could not give you a single legitimate pro for having a child. Not one. But I love him and I've always wanted to have kids and that's good enough for me. I can give you a laundry list of cons but they're also things that can be worked around or changed. I'm sure if you really looked at your list of cons you could figure out ways of dealing with them.

The decision to keep this baby or abort the baby is not something that needs to be decided today, tomorrow, the day after. You do have time. You have time to think about it, really imagine your life with one decision and then the other. You have time to figure out your budget, everyone has things they can cut back on. You have time to change your health.

Sal - posted on 06/09/2013

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I can totally feel for you, I lived this last year, at 38 with 3 children aged 16 5 &4 I fell pregnant with much surprise and fears and anxiety... We decided to keep the baby but sadly lost it in a very violent miscarriage which lead to shock (as I a car accident type shock not just nasty surprise) then mastitis I was so sick I was just focused on getting through it alive...
After this however hubby and I felt a hole in our family and we decided to see how things went for a year if no baby by then I would happily get my tubes clamped.... On Friday I had a scan with bub at 14 weeks healthy little baby...
My advice to you is listen to your heart and don't rush into anything if you are so early along you have a little time to think, I am pro choice so if you really can't see it in your future please don't be bullied into keeping it, but I felt so differently to how I thought I ever would do rush your self either..

Mary - posted on 06/09/2013

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Mechelle, I'll restate the obvious. Your personal feelings and opinions on abortion are irrelevant in this thread. Please save them for a time and audience where it is appropriate or at least germane to the discussion at hand. In case you are unclear, THIS is not one of those places.

[deleted account]

@KatieYahsDaughter...how can you say Abortion is not Murder? The Fetus has a heartbeat and that is murder in my book. It just sickens me that young girls & women who don't use protection when having sex (whether it's bf/gf, one night stands or friends w/ benefits) are turning to Abortion as a means of birth control. There are numerous couples out there that can't have children and would love to adopt. If you can't take care of them then keep your legs together. There are many options for unwanted pregnancy instead of Abortion.

@Ani I totally agree with you dear!

Ani - posted on 06/09/2013

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In reply to Katie Yahs daughter: If someone is going to wake up in the middle of the night over money, how much more are they going to wake up over killing their child?

Sue Foyle, are you really saying you would rather kill you child then let your child be adopted?

Ani - posted on 06/09/2013

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Stop smoking yesterday, start walking short distances then building up, eat better. Don't murder your child

Katie Yahs - posted on 06/08/2013

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You have to ask yourself do we have the money? do I want to be awoke all night? can I still work? will it take $ away from other kids needs? everyone can give you 1000 encouraging words but there not raising your baby you will be :) good luck with your decision

Katie Yahs - posted on 06/08/2013

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after my high risk bed ridden Pregnancy I also feel sad I can't be the good energetic super mom. my health took huge turn for the worst my last Pregnancy. you have to do what's best for you and your family! make a decision you can live with.

Sue - posted on 06/07/2013

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I keep thinking of that and I don't always want to wonder what if.....I keep thinking if God has given me another child that I should be overjoyed, ecstatic and so happy/excited but I am everything but and i feel HORRIBLE for thinking or feeling the way i do. I would have NEVER thought I'd be, think or feel this way.

[deleted account]

Believe me Sue I did not think I was going to be able to keep up with a new baby at my age or have the energy that I did when my 2 boys' were little, but trust me hun you will be surprised at what your body can endure when it comes to our children! Keeping you in my prayers Sue! Good Luck and it will be the best experience to come.

[deleted account]

@Sue..I have 2 boys' ages 17 & 15 now. My husband and I tried to have another baby when my youngest was 2. We never used protection, I was never on birth control and it just never happened. I even went to a Dr (when I had excellent insurance) to get checked out and was told "there is no reason why you can't get pregnant". They of course wanted to check my husband but he did not want to do it. So to our surprise I found out I was pregnant when my youngest son was 13. I also was worried as I was 35 when I found out. I was so sick that Phenergan was my best friend. After 5 months of being sick every time I ate, the Dr finally ordered an ultrasound to check for Gallstones and low and behold I had them. They would not do the surgery to remove my Gallbladder until after birth unless it became a medical emergency. I gained no weight throughout my pregnancy but my daughter was born healthy. Six weeks after my C-section, I had my Gallbladder removed which contained 25 Gallstones, 2 months later I had my tubal and then in Feb 2012 I had a HUGE kidney stone that required 3 surgeries to remove and 5 days in the hospital. So, that's 6 surgeries in 9 months but I would not have changed any of it because I finally got my Princess! My boys' are the BEST big brothers any mother or sister could ask for.

Good Luck and Best Wishes Sue! :)

Usprkme - posted on 06/07/2013

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The baby will bless you in ways that you can't understand now, but will look back and it will all make sense. There's a plan, I'm sure of it. XOXO

Sue - posted on 06/07/2013

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Thank you so much for your positive response. I sure hope we'll all be fine.

Sue - posted on 06/07/2013

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thank you. If I had the support that would certainly help but we don't. I hope that God helps me real soon to make the best and right decision for all.

Monika - posted on 06/07/2013

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Once you hold your new daughter or son, you will feel silly for even thinking about termination, we barely makes ends meet too but if I got pregnant, I would be overjoyed, my husband is 43 years old though and he will be, simple maths, 73 when the baby would be 20 or rather 19, minus the 9 months in womb, but I'd still never terminate. Please hang in there and ask your family for support.

Sue - posted on 06/07/2013

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thanks it's not just the smoking there are a lot of other factors I am concerned with right now..............I had WLS 9 months ago, concerned for the baby in the future will I be able to do the things and have the energy like I did with my other two and most importantly financially - i'm struggling now and can hardly make the bills and I am so afraid I won't be able to afford another child..................there are many things I have to consider right now. TRUST ME I NEVER thought I would even consider terminating a pregnancy - NEVER but the situations I am currently facing I have to be realisitc.

Sue - posted on 06/07/2013

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thanks it's not just the smoking there are a lot of other factors I am concerned with right now..............I had WLS 9 months ago, concerned for the baby in the future will I be able to do the things and have the energy like I did with my other two and most importantly financially - i'm struggling now and can hardly make the bills and I am so afraid I won't be able to afford another child..................there are many things I have to consider right now. TRUST ME I NEVER thought I would even consider terminating a pregnancy - NEVER but the situations I am currently facing I have to be realisitc.

Sue - posted on 06/07/2013

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thank you so much for your post and your honesty. Regardless of what my decision yes smoking has to stop. There are just so many cons I am finding over the pros. The only pro I can think of is giving my children another sibling (I have 2 right now 8 and 7). I just am thinking of the baby and thinking will I have the energy and be just as good a parent to this child as I am with my other two. I work fulltime and the job I am at I had to take a huge paycut so before i paid for daycare but I couldn't afford that right now on this salary. There's so many things that I keep worrying about and I know where there's a will there's a way but I've had so many hurdles to jlump over so far in my life I am not sure how many more I can handle. I'm just so worried on so many levels. I don't expect help from my inlaws as htey all work and are busy etc and hardly aren't able to help now so I can depend or expect any help or financial support from anyone else. Just really nervous and so split down the decision as what I am going to do not to mention I just had WLS last year and am nervous how will that affect my health/the baby/the pregnancy etc. So many concerns I have. I am just shocked that this has happened we have for 7 years taken precautions but I guess this time it didn't work. I appreciate that you didn't say anything negative about my thoughts on considering terminating because so many I have seen be very negative regarding that topic and although I never htought it would ever be a thought in my mind but I always said it's the woman's choice.................

Vanessa - posted on 06/07/2013

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Mary pinned it on the nose, but just a few things to add.
1. I had my first at 38 yrs old and 2nd child at 40. Both excellent easy pregnancies. Having children late in life, changed my life and taught me a tremendous amount about who i was and what was truly important in life.
2. If it's just about money, babies can be affordable. Use cloth diapers, buy clothes at Good will (babies don't care), nurse instead of formula. People in all income brackets have lovely families.
3. Smoking is your biggest hurtle, whether you have your baby or terminate. Choose to break the family cycle. You can live past 50. Start today.
4. And aside from all of this, abortion is an option. From one Mom to the next, I've had an abortion. Wouldn't now after having my own children, but I wouldn't blame you if you did. If that is what you see fit, then it it your right to make that choice for you and your family.

Sue - posted on 06/06/2013

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am going to be 38 yrs old soon and just found out I am about a month pregnant. I am scared and have so many mixed emotions. I have 2 other kids under the age of 10 and I am very happy with our family. I never expected to conceive another child.

I never thought in my life I would ever consider abortion but I am worried because of my age and for the child's health bc the older you are the more risk for abnormalities. I also am concerned because a lot of people in my family died under 50 yrs of age. I don't excercise as I should and I eat "ok" i'm not a health fanatic and I smoke. I am very content with my life but just never expected this. I feel so guilty for even thinking the possibility of termination but am petrified if we can financially have another child, will I have the energy to be a good mom like I was to my other 2 kids, will I live to see this child graduate highschool or even possibly get married. the odds seem so stacked against me.

Sue - posted on 06/04/2013

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Thank you Mary very much for your honest response. The funny part is I have always wanted at least 3 kids but had my first at 29 and second at 30. I thought after 35 that i was done. I fear financially my husband and I really struggle right now financially and part of me says well we'll find a way but then I am scared we won't. how will I afford another child when I can barely afford the two I have.
I just worry like yousaid when tomorrow isn't guaranteed for any of us but the fact that there have been so many that have died young in my family - and it wasn't becaues they were active healthy people..........diseases can hit anyone at any time.
I just see women that are late 50s early 60s and I just can't imagine at that age having a teenager and being able to guide he/she in the right path. I keep looking at pros/cons.............and honestly can't find many pros and it just saddens me because I never thought I would not be happy about being pregnant. I am shocked and disappointed in myself for even having the feelings I have. I am honestly worried that I just won't have the energy in my 40s to be raising such a young child. Will I take away from the 2 I already have? so many questions and worries. I can't depend on support from our families bc most of mine have past and his family well they work constantly and really haven't helped now so i can't imagine anyone helping in the future. I just don't know what to do. I honestly don't know if I could live with the decision to terminate but at the same time I don't want to not be as good of a mom to this child as I was to my other two or what if financially things get worse than what we are already in...............i don't even hve room in my home for another baby.........i just don't konw what to do but I know one thing i couldn't give it up for adoption........that I coulnd't do.

Mary - posted on 06/04/2013

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Well, no can really tell you what to do in this situation - that's a highly personal choice between you and your partner.

However, I can tell you that I was 38 when I had my daughter. She was a complete and utter surprise. I had a totally uneventful pregnancy, and worked up until 2 days before she was born - completely normal and healthy. Just because the risks of complications increase with maternal age does not mean that you or your baby will have them. There are plenty of women in this world having children at 38 - or older.

As for your worries about your own life expectancy...well, you can, if you chose, modify some of your risk factors. You can become more physically active. You can quit smoking - or at least significantly cut back. You can try to eat better foods. These are all things that would not only give you more energy and potentially increase your lifespan - but they would also benefit the children you already have. I'm pretty sure they would like you around as long as possible too. Not to mention - worrying about whether or not you will "be there" is pretty pointless. More than a few of my friends and acquaintances have lost a parent to a wide variety of unexpected illnesses and freak accidents well before they were independent adults. There are simply no guarantees in life for any of us, regardless of our age.

I'll also say this; I'm now 42, and my daughter is 4. I know that I am "as good" a mother as women 20 years younger. I know that I can run circles around most of them. Hell, from the time my daughter was 8 weeks old up until just a few months ago, I would walk our two dogs for miles with her strapped onto my back. The only reason we stopped is that she had outgrown the carrier's weight limit - and my poor dogs are too old and arthritic to go very far. I still take her on hikes and bike rides through local trails (she can do at least 3 miles before she gets too tired), and I volunteer at my local animal shelter walking homeless dogs :) In my 20's and early 30's I was a pretty sedentary slug; I smoked and drank a fair amount, and was seemingly allergic to exercise. Having a baby at 38 motivated me to do more, and BE more. I'm in better shape now than I was 10 years ago. In fat, I could run circles around my 30 y/o self.

I understand that this is a shock, and has shaken your plans for the future. No matter what you chose, I wish you all the best.

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