almost absent dad/ obsessed granmother

Lyn - posted on 01/26/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hi I am a 1st time mum. My baby is a year old, one of the problems I am currently facing is my babies father and his mum, before my baby was born he denied that he was my babies father, this being his 1st child as well, but eventually when my baby was around 3months he actually manned up and admitted his faults acknowledged that she is his, said he wants to be a part of her life, I allowed him to be a part of her life but even so my baby is a year his only seen her about 8 times, and every time he asks if he can fetch her I'd say yes what time would u b fetching her he would provide me with a time but rocks up like 2 to 3hrs later which really gets to me n brings her back later than our agreed upon time, he doesn't support her financially either, he'd by a packet of nappies once in a while, and along with the nappies he bought he will demand that she sleeps over, and my argument is that he doesn't know my baby he never really spends much time with her does he even know her well enough for her to be sleeping over and he would tell me I am being selfish and unfair, but I ask the question how do allow my child to b around a man that would visit his baby but only spend a good 15mins with her and the rest of the time that his at my house he would sit with my sister outside and speak about his Gf's, I've reached a stage where I don't want him to be in my child's life but I won't keep him away, I don't want his child support either, I am not sure am I being selfish,

Another problem is his mum, I feel like his mum is obsessed with my daughter when ever she would visit she would spend half of her time taking pictures of my child, and the other half she would hold my child so tight that she can't break free, she doesn't want me to take my child when she is around even tho my child is crying for me, she would literally hold my child against her so that she doesn't break free, a few weeks ago she came to visit with her mum that would be my child's Great grandmother, who asked her. If she can give my baby over to her so she can take a picture, the great grandmother asked her about 6 times but she ignored her all 6 times she sat with my child in her arms and told my baby she must call her mummy and when I said no I am mummy you grandma, and she pulls her face funny and goes on saying you must call me mummy, my baby eventually started screaming and I got up took my child away from her she had an angry facial expression, she tried taking her away from me and my child started screaming and she pushed her away, kinda slapped her in her face too... ever since I've been really scared to let my child around her, because she kinda frustrates my child when she's around her, I mentioned my concern to my baby's father but his response was, my mother loves her and she just has a tendancy of ignoring ppl it's like she switches off and I asked if she switches off is it ok to allow my child around her without supervision because chances are she's going to ignore my child's crying, chances are she's not going to monitor my child's movements as I do, I don't know if I am being paranoid or what but I wish my babies family can just stay away, saturday she asked if she can fetch my baby and I asked if she can fetch her this coming saturday as my baby does not have enough Milk (formula) and I don't have money to buy I am only getting paid on Monday she read my message with no response, and she didn't offer or ask how she can help, and I personally feel why should I let my child visit her (them) only when it's beneficial to them, when they clearly not interested when it's not beneficial to them, my baby and I has received more support from my friends and my family then what we receive from her dad I don't even think my child really knows who her father is, please be so kind as to advise what I am to do about this because it's really getting to me 

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Raye - posted on 01/27/2016

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Well, you chose to have a child with this man, and now you don't get to choose how responsible of a parent he is. Just do your best for your child. Encourage a relationship with their father (but don't go chasing after him to do it). You should go to court to make sure that custody is established for yourself, and get a visitation schedule so you both know what days/times he's allowed to see the child. You should also file for child support. Even if you can pay the daily expenses on your own, you can save that money for your child's college, car, etc. Your child has a right to the best life that both parents can provide, and that includes financial support from the father. If he can't pay, then he cant pay, but he still has rights. And if he does pay, then that's a bonus.

Raye - posted on 01/26/2016

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Go to court. Get custody established for yourself and a visitation schedule for the father. File for child support. That way each parent knows what their rights and responsibilities are. Then follow the court orders.

The grandmother has no rights. You do not have to allow her time, but the father can allow her access to the child during his time. She should NOT have the child call her "mummy". It is your child, not hers. You can bring this up in court and ask that her access be restricted until she understands that her actual relationship is that of grandparent and to respect your wishes and requests. Be firm with her or she will try to walk all over you.

Raye - posted on 01/27/2016

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Marilyn, You can show all evidence you have to the judge, but we can't tell you how it will affect the ruling. What does "having financial difficulties" have to do with visiting his child? He didn't have gas money? Or did you give him the impression at some point that he had to pay you to see his child? You can't hold your child for ransom and only allow visits if he can give you money or buy diapers or whatever. If the texts show you were withholding his child for money, that is could be considered extortion and is illegal. If you need financial help, you should file for child support through the court.

Whether or not the father is listed on the birth certificate does not mean that the father can't be awarded rights to his child. A DNA test will prove paternity. What he said/did when you were pregnant generally would have no bearing on what the judge would rule now, as the judge would be looking at the current situation that the child would be exposed to. If the judge feels the father is not a current danger to the child, then the father will get visitation. The visitation orders would state what times/days he can see the child. If he chooses not to show up, then that's his choice, but you would have to make the child available to him during those times/days if he does show up.... even if it's only once a year.

Ev - posted on 01/26/2016

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Jazzygirl--"A relationship with the child if they are responsible and will live up to there parental duties." This statement alone could get someone's child given custody give over to the other parent. Only a judge can say if a person is a DANGER to a child and can not have the child or has to have supervised visits. Also court orders would make the parents responsible or they would have to answer to the judge for contempt of court.

JazzyGirl - posted on 01/26/2016

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A relationship with the child if they are responsible and will live up to there parental duties. I'm not saying yay or nay, i just think we're in an age where anything goes now. The courts say they're looking out for the best interest of the child yet the worst people are allowed to parent. I'm sorry but I just think it's kind of ridiculous. There should be a line drawn between do's and don'ts. Some things are unacceptable and in the end it's sad that the children are dragged into this. However i'm not looking to start any arguments just simply voicing my opinion. It's not about what I think or anyone else for that matter. In the end this woman will decide on her own.

12 Comments

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Lyn - posted on 01/27/2016

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Financial difficulties, meaning he never had money for Gas, and my messages would show that I have offered to take my child to him personally, if he was actually interested in seeing her! But the response wasn't very positive he would always make up an excuse every time I offer, since he he said he wants to be a part of my child's life, I haven't asked him for anything, I actually offered to send him gas money to come just to have him be part of my child's life, I've never kept my baby away from him, I told him and I told his family they are most welcome to visit my baby anytime, they should just let me know on which days they will be visiting her so that I don't make any plans, I just fear that @ the rate his going, he might just do what my father did to me, pitches up 1nce a month, 1nce a month turned into to twice a year which turned into 1 Christmas a year, till he stopped visiting completely I honestly don't want my daughter going through the same thing

Lyn - posted on 01/26/2016

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Hi, thank you for all your helpful tips. I understand what Jazzygirl means I guess she is only trying to say that I need to be firm with my childs father as he cant say one thing and do the other, and think that is okay, this happens often, In terms of custody, he is not on my babies birth certificate, when applying for custody can I use past messages going back to when I 1st found out I was pregnant, where he states I should abort and when I refused he denied that my child is his as well as messages where he bad mouths me and says that he doesn't want my child, and messages where we would chat and I would ask when is he visiting his child and most of the responses would be I am in financial difficulties I don't have money to come and see her, and I would basically ask him would he like me to bring her to him, and he would give me all kinds of excuses, and usually through his financial difficulties he would have pictures up of him chilling with his friends with booze in his hands, I asked him how he can afford alcohol but cant afford to visit his daughter, I have those questions and responses saved as well, will this help me in court???

Dove - posted on 01/26/2016

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Yes, she will... and if she takes your advice and loses custody of her son... do you want to be responsible for that since it would be your advice she chose to act on?

I KNOW how it feels to hand over your kids to a man you can't stand and don't trust... I've been doing it for 8 years now... but he is not a serious danger to them and I wouldn't risk losing my kids to him for anything in the world.

According to the words in the OP... the father hasn't done anything worth withholding visitations for... You can sympathize w/ how a person feels w/out giving bad, illegal advice.

Dove - posted on 01/26/2016

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Legally and morally a father has just as much of a right to be around his child as the mother does. The mother does not get to call all the shots. No matter how she feels. The ONLY time the mother has the right to call all the shots is if that has been determined in court by a judge.

A mother keeping a father away from the child w/out court orders can potentially risk completely losing custody of her child.

It's not about 'making everyone happy'... it's about the law and the child's RIGHT to a relationship w/ both parents.

JazzyGirl - posted on 01/26/2016

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Okay Grandma has some issues. I would not let my daughter around her especially after that incident where she tried to convince your daughter that she was mom. Somethings seriously wrong with that. You were right not to want your daughter around her stick to those instincts. This goes beyond possessiveness and into something else I don't know what but it definitely makes me uncomfortable to hear that. As for the father if he is doing the bare minimum if you can call it that don't let him walk all over you when it comes to your child. Set some boundaries time frames that she can go to visit and he continuously does not honor them ( like bringing her home when he's supposed to or constantly showing up several hours late to get her) let him know that you won't continue the visits until you can trust him with time. As for overnights I wouldn't do those.She is too young and the father has not been around so it would be like sending her to a strangers house plus you have no idea what goes on over there or if the father is a responsible person to be around. This whole situation makes me uncomfortable so I could imagine how you feel as a mom. Don't send your baby over there. As long as she is safe and sound in your care that's all that matters, you don't have to put your child in that position just to try and make everyone happy.

Dove - posted on 01/26/2016

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Agree entirely w/ Raye. Go to court for custody, visitation, and child support orders w/ the father... and I wouldn't be having Grandma over anymore. I wouldn't have anyone coming into my home that doesn't respect me or my child.

Lyn - posted on 01/26/2016

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Thanks for the advice, I will definitely be taking some time off from work to do as advised by you, because it really feels like my babies granny is disrespecting my wishes,

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